Torn

Thank you @OceanMama words have been had and he has had counselling and medication not just because of this I must point out. Such a mess I just want the best for them both.

Hope2020

The baby is a year old he was stupid and didn’t protect himself I am not treating him as the innocent party. He has paid maintenance from day one as he said he would he is just not ready to be a dad

He might not be ready to be a dad but he is a dad. I understand your son might need a slow and gentle approach here. Maybe a plan needs to be worked out for him to step up with his mental health carers? Medically, it might need to be slow, depending on how badly affected he is.

The alternative is that, if the baby's mother gets married, her new husband could adopt him if your son really doesn't want to parent. But that's a future 'if'. I understand that would hurt you though.

I’m afraid you cannot force your son to accept this responsibility emotionally even if he is doing his bit financially. What exactly has the baby’s mum said about contact to you? It seems a bit odd that she’s let you see him for a year and is now against it? Obviously as your GC gets older and understands more you and the mother need to be “singing from the same hymn sheet” so to speak regarding your side of the family. Is your relationship with the mum good enough that you can have an honest conversation about this with her? I think she’s been quite magnanimous in including you this far tbh, as that child gets older my concern would be that they are hurt or rejected by your son so maybe that’s what’s prompting her concern now as the baby develops.

Leave the mother and baby alone.
That's the best you can do for them.

I hope your son learned his lesson and now chooses to have responsible protected sex.

I have sent you a private message.

You gave a rather strong clue about your son's ability to be responsible. He is willing to give money, but unwilling for his name to be entered on the birth certificate. Someday the child will realize your son's involvement was qualified. The mum is making demands based on blackmail....I want the entire family involved or you will be banned. Do you think her manipulation will stop then? If you withdraw, you will be heartbroken to be out of the child's life, but his mum will not be using him as a pawn.

Poor child ...what a mess all because of a drunken fumble
ten minutes can change a whole plethora of people’s lives

I think you are important to be in the baby’s life but his mother needs to take the pressure off you as none of this is your fault and she must be made to realise this, she also needs to know that YOU can’t make things right for her you can only offer to be a grandma for her little child and that is more than many get.. money from the dad and a willing gran

I don’t agree with posters that tell you to leave the child, he is your flesh and blood, how can you possibly turn away from him, but don’t be drawn into the whirlpool of blame and blackmail stay neutral and think only of the baby and your relationship with him

@BlueBelle thank you xx exactly my feelings and what I am trying to do. I understand she wants best for the child but I can’t understand why she thinks me continuing to be part of it is going to cause him damage. The stress of the messages will finish me off at this rate!

@Txquiltz I never said he was unwilling she registered the birth without his name on. He needs to be there to do it as they are unmarried he was not told or asked. You have hit the nail on the head I don’t think it will stop which worries me. Children being used as pawns is the lowest of the low and that is what causes more damage not whether they get an invite to a cousins birthday party they have never met. Thanks for your response. I have received more messages from her overnight, I will talk to my son this week and prepare for the worst and hopefully it won’t be as bad as I think.

@Bbnan thank you that gives me hope that is exactly what i wish for. My son is not a bad man just been in a bad place. I hope that gentle introduction with me taking responsibilty for GC will ease him in. But i can’t force him

I am seeing this from a slightly different perspective than most it seems.

I can completely understand why the child’s mother would want the whole family involved. She doesn’t want her child growing up knowing that only one person on its father side has any interest. Much easier to say that nobody was interested, At least as far as she can see right now. Constant rejection from only seeing one family member is a lot more than not seeing anybody. You, as his paternal grandmother are a constant reminder That his father and the rest of his family want nothing to do with him. She might be thinking that it’s better to be out of sight and out of mind.

I’m not saying she’s right, but I can certainly understand that impulse.

I think a lot of posters are being quite unkind to her motives.

Summerlove, I had thought of that too, but slightly differently. I do wonder if, with the child getting older, the mother is concerned that having grandma involved will lead to the child having more awareness of the rejection of the father. She may feel that either that whole family embraces the child, or it doesn't as a whole.

It's just awful to realise that you're going to be left to bring up a child on your own.
She may just be lashing out in anger at the whole family.

My nephew was only 18 when he got a girlfriend pregnant. She was in her mid 20s. He did all the right things, agreed to support, and actually got to see the baby a few times.
Then his mother, backed up by his grandmother, got involved, and wanted to have the baby more often. Eventually the girl went to court to keep them away. They made a scene in the court, and the outcome was my nephew as well was stopped from seeing the baby.
I assume he went on paying till the boy was 18.
The moral of this is, mother keep out. However much you want a grandchild, this one isn't yours.

When you watch those Long Lost Family programmes, the children want to know about their parents and their family when they are older. It affects them badly to feel rejected.

The poor child, he will probably have to know the truth one day. I wonder what the mother will tell him about his father as he grows up I'm thinking surely it would better if he grew up knowing a loving and supportive Granny Hope in his life. Then he wouldn't feel rejected by one half of his family, and would know where he comes from. Lets hope is Mum can put her childs' best interests first.

Also the father hopefully will mature and might have some interest in his son after a while. Very difficult.