I don't think my daughter likes me much

Ilovedragonflies Your message above crossed with mine above. I still have fears. I have greater fears for her at Uni too. I'd rather not spell them out. I am so very sorry about your father. My husband did the same.
I cannot change my feelings in my letter above on account of one good day. I am so sorry. Also trying to analyse, understand, diagnose, by discussion in letters with other very kind, perceptive and well meaning people online, though comforting, can never predict how your own situation will work out. I sincerely would like your daughter to see a Psychiatrist. Only that way can she be properly helped. Since she is interested in Psychology perhaps when she is in the right mood she might discuss herself and her moods and you can give her some true insights into what she is like and what you fear.

I sincerely hope all will be well. With love, Elle ?

My DD17 has similar mental health issues, a lot of what you have written is almost exactly the same, except some days my DD is slightly better. None of us know what will happen with uni after COVID19 and I have no idea if my daughter could cope but its where she wants to be. I am lucky in that I have another DD and my husband is at home so we can mix it up a bit, but you being alone with her all the time is incredibly difficult. I am also part of a support group so every day I can go online and say x happened and it was hard, if I need to. My DD also says I am talking about her all the time - apparently I tell all my friends she's an evil lunatic

I wonder if you have ever used the Young Minds parents helpline? There is every chance your DD will be unwell on and off for a while, and maybe even a long time, particularly if she doesn't want to take medication or try out other therapies (my DD has been let down by psychiatrists and therapists and she's still under CAMHS!) so having a support group or outlet would be invaluable:

youngminds.org.uk/about-us/who-we-are/

Dealite. You are so kind and caring to take the trouble to write that moving and very helpful message. I am so very sorry about your son.
Bless you and thank you. ??

Violettham I too am very apprehensive. There are too many student suicides already.

I totally empathise ilovedragonflies as my relationship with my daughter, who suffers from bi polar, is so similar and every time you think "phew! got through that" it can be ok for a while until the next crisis comes up. Then it's despair until it passes again. It's so hard too because, speaking personally, you feel so alone and isolated from 'normal' family experiences as life really shouldn't be this difficult. I think really good advice has been given upthread especially by notanan2 and Dorsetcupcake. The urge to help your child is very strong but maybe counterproductive. This is in no way a criticism..it has taken me a long, long time to come to terms with the fact that much as my girl depends on me I have been overly eager to 'help' sort out her problems and possibly created a culture of dependence and, as a by product, lack of esteem on her part. I could write a whole chapter if not a book on this but will just say I sincerely hope you find a way through and keep posting..the lovely mums and nans on here are wonderfully kind and supportive and it helps oh so much to be listened to.

Would it be feasible for you to ask her to write a list of food/meals she would prefer to eat and then you could shop and plan accordingly?
Possibly even give her an amount to buy her own bits to make a meal and you provide basics, potatoes, butter, bread, cheese, pasta, rice with the proviso that it has to be spent on food and you will not make up for her spending it any other way.
Her age makes her more inclined to be stroppy but doesn't excuse her manners.
I feel she may be jittery at the thought of going to uni as she can't act the way she's acting with you, with other students.
Well, she can but she'd be left with no friends and others would give her a wide berth.
One of my sons doesn't do small talk and rolls his eyes if I rnnn about inconsequential stuff and he's twice her age.
There is no 'normal' when it comes to the amount of conversation we each are happy to indulge in.
As for her room - most mums will have the same problem. Forget it.
I wish you well and your daughter every success at uni however, I do think she needs some sort of intervention regarding her mental health and the uni ought to be made aware of this.
Very best wishes to you both ??

rnnn? should be 'chat'

I know exactly how you feel, except mine is a son, 21 who will finish university next year. He loves me, but he doesn’t like me much. I have four other sons who appear to like my company so I have something to compare it to, and I truly don’t think he likes me.

I find myself being silent when he is around for fear of saying something he will find fault with.

I lovedragonflies There are two sides to every story and I would take no side not knowing your D but have to wonder how she sees yourself like you see her? Show me the perfect mother daughter relationship.!
D will be at Uni come September.Is it too difficult for you to hold back no matter what D is doing/ saying /not doing saying? as you will miss her,warts and all,take my word for it. Maybe this separation is not going to be such a bad thing, 'for both of you'?, as neither of you will be the same persons you were before this forth coming separation as you will be once D returns.

You say she finds it hard to make friends well if she behaves like this it’s not surprising!

Whatever other issues she has they are not get out of jail free cards to be used to excuse selfish behaviour.

Conflict may be coming from personality clashes- that’s understandable and the only way to survive is to cut the other person a lot of slack! Not everyone agrees with us all the time.

I’ve seen a similar situation in my own family with the result of a person in their mid 20s who cannot cope with life or relationships at all. Every excuse was made for them as a teenager and they had no idea how to cope without their servant parents hovering over them and taking care of everything.

Do your own thing and ignore sulking and bad behaviour and definitely let her cook her own food.

Xrgran ....

You clearly have no knowledge of mental health issues!!

If you google 'Bipolar and Selfishness' there is a lot written about this aspect of the illness. In fact Bipolar is often misdiagnosed as self absorption. It is a symptom rather than a personality trait (although of course selfish people can be bipolar) and so if she is not prepared to accept treatment the GP recommends you are not likely to change it by trying to persuade her to be more considerate. This doesn't help you find a solution but maybe there are times when you just need to walk out the room and do your own thing. If you do have space to be housemates that might work but it is trial and error. It is difficult because people need to want help but with an illness like that part of the problem is that part of the time they will think that everything is wonderful and the rest of the time be too down to care.
I hope you can find a way for you both to cope. There needs to be more help for families living with someone with mental illness.

I am sorry about your situation and feel for you. It sounds like this is part of her bipolar illness and is fairly common that people feel fine and stop taking their medication then have a dip either becoming over enthusiastic and agitated or becoming depressed. It is not your fault and you are clearly doing your best for her. Is their any way you could talk to her mental health professional or GP?

You sound like a lovely caring Mum Ilovedragonflies. I just wanted to agree with what others have mentioned already that the combination of fearing you were going to die (I feel that would be so traumatic she didn't know how to even speak about it) plus going away to Uni (one of my AC was so frightened of the unknown and not making friends and they said they weren't going!) is proving too much for your daughter. This is at an age when they think they are supposed to be adults and able to cope. I actually had to take mine to Uni, almost forcibly, and stay there until this child felt strong enough to stay alone). Uni ended up being great! We expect our DC to suddenly cope with transitioning from home to Uni and it's too much for some of them. It doesn't mean that they aren't ready to go, just that they need help preparing. You can speak to a tutor about your daughter to pre-warn them that she may not ask for help and request that someone talks to her if she appears to be struggling. Ask if you can phone to check she is okay every now and then. All Unis have lots of help available. In the meantime tell her calmly that it would help if she prepares for Uni by cooking her own meals (you can still pay for the food) and doing her own washing. Make it positive by saying that you know how she doesn't always like what you cook. Offer to help if she wants it but be firm and don't do it for her. Talk to her about how she's going to manage her money - it's very important to plan a budget so she doesn't get swamped by it! Tell her she can visit home whenever she wants - don't let her think you are waiting for her to go. Above all, I think, don't ignore her even if she ignores you. Continue to chat and be upbeat as much as you possibly can and walk away when you need to. If she's rude to you tell her it's not acceptable. Don't try to get in her head if she's in a bad place and don't descend to her level - you know that she does love you. Do what makes you happy - cheerful music? a hobby? and forget each other for a bit. There's a big change coming for both of you and you both must be so anxious. Perhaps you might think of getting help for you too when you can. It's hard coping alone, and even worse at the moment. Start planning now for things to occupy you when she goes because, yes, you will be relieved, but you will also miss her more than you can possibly think.

Strangely, she got up yesterday and was like a different person - she changed her bed, talked, smiled at me more than once, and made dinner for us both. I wonder how she'll be today.

The problem with you acting like a unit on her good days is that you then find yourself dumped from a height on her bad days.

Ups arent always a good sign in mental health they can be part of the problematic pattern.

So as tempting as it is to enjoy the ups, I think you should maintain your boundaries throughout them so that they are still in place for her downs.

Chatting and laughing is fine, but still retreat for time alone to do your hobbies activites. I would still eat and cook separately (sell the housemate set up as yoi seeing her as an adult) and keep your respective bedrooms strictly private non communal.

So less to be destroyed on a swing down IYKWIM.

The ups can be selfish too: "Im happy today so we all should be"

Maintain your own space and boundaries and routines throughout.

I have complete sympathy, as I have a similar situation which I'm not prepared to discuss publicly. There is No easy answer - but please don't take any of this personally. These are mental health issues. Unfortunately it seems to me that the Mental health team only surface in times of crisis, but it's worth contacting them and clearly stating your concerns. I know they wont discuss her with you but you should tell them that you are very worried about her. Or even email/write to them so there will be evidence if there is a crisis and they haven't responded. I don't mean to make Mental Health workers villains - I've no doubt they're very busy, but this means you have to really tell it how it is. Another point is medication; it's really important, but I know you have no control - you can at least tell the MH workers if she's not taking it.
I've never contacted them but I've heard good reports of SANE - for either/both of you. You need a listening ear.

Try and not blame her - she's ill; and DO NOT blame yourself - she's ill. Unfortunately once they are adult we have no control over how our children deal with it.

You're xnot alone

To be fair I wouldn’t even broach the subject with her. Instead I’d write a nice long note with what’s going to be happening in YOUR HOME in future. Meals to be cooked for yourself separately! All laundry is your own responsibility, as is tidying bedrooms and changing bed linen ( stipulate in that how often you’d like her to change the bedding). Cleaning the areas of the house each of you use, as you go along, not to be left to “Do it later on”. Note also that you’ve left this written down rather than get into another argument with her, as that’s not what you want. But these are the rules of your home and she needs to respect them, and you. Take it or leave it!
You can’t be living with a bubbling volcano in your own house, you need peace and comfort not a fighting arena. Good luck ? Much Love ?

Maybe her monthly cycle exacerbates her other problems too.

I am not a doctor or psychologist but l wonder if she could have Aspergers Syndrome, autistic spectrum disorder. Much that you describe, the difficulty making and maintaining friendships, the dislike of small talk and even depression can be symptomatic of this. I have a daughter with this and I can empathise with a lot of what you say. It is a great deal more difficult to get a diagnosis of this with girls and women as the symptoms are far more subtle than in their male counterparts. For years it was thought that the ratio of men/ boys with Asperger's to women/girls was 10:1. The latest research suggests it is equal. People with Asperger's tend to behave in a much younger way than their chronological age so that could be another reason why she is acting like a continually hormonal 13 year old. As l said, l am not a medical professional but your description sounded so familiar.

She's sounds on the spectrum to me. sounds a lot like my Aspie son.

I think there has been a lot of really good advice given here but the one thing that I disagree with is "she doesn't really hate you." Having gone through this myself when I was 19 and gone through it with my daughter. I think she really does hate you. I had a bullseye target in my school dorm with my Mom's picture in the middle. I only say this to help you understand where she is coming from not to add to the pain. Both my daughter and I were manic depressive. She, now (37 yo), has told me that at the time she thought she was an adult and so much smarter than I was. I was just stupid. Now my daughter tells me she felt very confident that she was so smart and adult, more than she feels she is today. The one thing she says now that makes me feel good, is that she always knew that I would love her no matter what. Funny, I think back at those times when she was absolutely awful and think I might not have loved her as much as she thought I did at that time. I was so worried that she'd turn out to be an adult that I wouldn't like.
I was worried about suicide because I knew she was depressed. When I was that age I thought about suicide a lot, but always thought, although I hated them at the time, that I couldn't do that to my parents. It was just too selfish. I didn't care about myself. I'm not sure how my daughter felt but eventually, she went for help at uni and started on anti-depression pills. After talking to other parents with similar problems before kids go off to uni, I think the conflict is something that helps you cope with them going away, for both of you. I agree that part of her problem is caused by her anxiety about going away.
Also, when she argues about things you say, you think they aren't listening, but now, my daughter is constantly repeating things I said at the time. I thought she wasn't listening. And I think of how I resented things my mother said and now I think how right she was about things I rejected at the time (like about having good posture - sorry I didn't listen). I miss my Mom many times during each day.
The only thing that helped me was taking classes in dealing with these problems and being part of support groups. My daughter wasn't bipolar, so this might not be exactly the same but professional help for you seems to be the answer because she is refusing assistance. If interaction with her causes problems, I'm with the group that says try to have as little interaction as possible. A messy room is minor and can be cured by closing the door.
Hopefully, your daughter will become at least half as sweet as my 37 yo Pediatrician daughter who now has to deal with her own teenagers and their parents. I'm not sure if I should say this because you won't believe it but I sometime miss those arguments from when she was a teenager because she is so sweet now that I wonder what she really thinks. When she was a teenager, she never held back any of her feelings. We are very close now and hopefully that is in your future too. I agree that she won't really be an adult until at least the age 23. Good Luck to you both.

Agree that she might not like you

I dont say this in a mean way but in a manage your expectations way. Seek company and occupation elsewhere and take the pressure off this one relationship

I do think you should look into the possibility of Aspergers as several people have suggested. She sounds like my son, who sneers, belittles and invalidates me. He's nearly 40 now and has never changed. Many of your daughter's traits sound identical. ...

As OPs daughter is an adult she cannot seek that sort of diagnosis on her behalf and she might not want it.

Also, these things are harder to organise at the moment anyway.