She's coming up for 19 and is due to go to university in September. It's been just the two of us since she was little. We've coped, albeit barely at times, and from the outside things look okay. She's never been a talker - as a small child she would whisper to me rather than talk to others. She finds it hard to maintain friendships.
She's become very controlling and, since lockdown, I'm on the receiving end of it. She barely talks to me and if I try to talk to her she rolls her eyes and sneers - everything I say is wrong whereas she's right. She's sleeping until 3ish (pm), gets up, logs onto her computer and phone and that's it until bedtime. She won't walk the dog, hasn't helped with normal housework but will cook every other day. She'll only eat pasta and rice (stir fry) and if I cook anything different, refuses to eat it. I'm still working (from home) so am doing that and everything else and living with someone who, frankly, appears to despise me. She won't have it that she's sinking into another depressive cycle (she's mildly bipolar) and refuses to take any medication our GP has prescribed. The first time she was like this, she self-harmed - it was a terrible cry for help but she won't take the help on offer. I am at my wits end.
I love her so much but she's pushing me away with her constant need to be right about everything. When she does talk, it's to argue. (Small example, I was watching the gov. news update when it was said that 739 further people had died. It was on screen in red. I mentioned it and asked how the gov could say figures were dropping when that many people had died and it was up on the previous day. She said, 'it's not that many, I've googled it and it's only 300'. I say she said, but it was her tone really. It was on the screen at the time. I kept very calm and let it go, but inside I wanted to scream because I can't say anything without her either belittling me, or screaming that I'm wrong and don't listen to her.)
She can't do small talk - doesn't see the point - which is part of her makeup and I understand that. But I'm craving a 'normal' conversation where I can be myself and not walking on eggshells for fear of winding her up.
We both actually caught the virus (she had it mildly) and my GP managed to keep me out of hospital. I'm asthmatic and at one point couldn't catch my breath at all. She sat on the sofa and did nothing to help. It felt like she was waiting for me to die, and didn't care.
I don't actually know why I'm posting this; there's nothing anyone can do to help, after all. I know it's long and I'm sorry about that, and I'm aware I sound selfish and self-pitying but I feel utterly broken and can't go anywhere to talk to anyone in private, which is the norm when she's spiraling, mood-wise. I know she can't help it and I'm the closest person to her so I bear the brunt, and I know this cycle of her mood will probably end in the next month or so, but actually, I'm struggling quite badly at the moment. I can't see any good ending to this situation.
Notanan
Very insightful comment with the mother-daughter expectations of a relationship.
We also see it with dil- mil relationship, while son in law and fil dont have the same social obligation
Some good advice and help there from Keffie12. Your daughter has her problems and illness ilovedragonflies but don't let her use it as stick to beat with you with. You are helping as much as you can but she has to do her bit too. Live your own life as much as you can at present and don't let her problem take over. Easier said than done I know.
I think theres more pressure on mothers/daughters to like each other than any other family pair.
Theres no pressure on adult kids and dads to be best friends, which makes their relationships easier and more natural.
It means that if mothers and daughters arent best friends they both can feel like theres something wrong with them
This is a really difficult age. I frankly couldn't stand to be around my daughter at age 19 and the feeling was mutual. She's now 35 and we have some really good times together. When I find myself trying too hard with my adult kids that's when I feel pushed away.
@Ilovedragonflies She doesn't despise you. It seems that way. You say your daughter is bipolar!
you can have MH issues AND like/dislike people in your own right also, not because of your MH.
Not everyone likes their parents/siblings etc.
Nobody on here can or should tell the OP with certainty that her DD doesnt dislike her.
Its just adding pressure/expectations on the relationship to say she definitely doesnt dislike the OP
I so agree with the last post. When I was a teenager I was very moody especially with my Mum. I didn’t realise I had depression until years later and then I felt awful for putting my Mum through this. It’s so easy for us to hurt the ones we love. Hang in there Ilovedragonflies this situation will end. I wish you well and you are doing a great job raising your daughter.
@Ilovedragonflies She doesn't despise you. It seems that way. You say your daughter is bipolar!
So is our 2nd son who is now 30. He still lives at home. Though he left many times when he was teens and younger.
You cant do right for doing wrong. Everything you say your wondering if its right or not.
I'm attaching a link to the bipolar charity. They were amazing. If your on social media have a look at some of the bipolar groups for families and see what fits you.
There is no point trying to question or argue with her, as it's a waste of time. I've learnt to switch off. They dont think or feel the same as us.
There is no such thing as mild bipolar. Your either bipolar type 1 or bipolar 2. Our lad started off as bipolar 2 and progressed to one. Please dont minimise this.
Bipolar is a family illness as it affects everyone around the person
You don't need to tell your daughter your researching or ringing anyone. Just do it for your own sanity. Its very common what you say over meds.
Also March - early May time and September end - November/December is seasonal change (SAD) which is a big part of those with B.P. in Spring they are jumpy, edgy and spring. They also sleep alot. This is the same at seasonal change in the winter when they tend to be a tortoise
Some areas have meet up groups. Maybe useful for after lockdown. Please get yourself some help research.
I know how lonely it can feel for you. I have other adult youngsters all fine. They don't get it. Why would they? People don't.
My 2nd lad is now awaiting a diagnosis of autism too as the symptoms for them overlap
www.bipolaruk.org/
As OPs daughter is an adult she cannot seek that sort of diagnosis on her behalf and she might not want it.
Also, these things are harder to organise at the moment anyway.
I do think you should look into the possibility of Aspergers as several people have suggested. She sounds like my son, who sneers, belittles and invalidates me. He's nearly 40 now and has never changed. Many of your daughter's traits sound identical. ...
Agree that she might not like you
I dont say this in a mean way but in a manage your expectations way. Seek company and occupation elsewhere and take the pressure off this one relationship
I think there has been a lot of really good advice given here but the one thing that I disagree with is "she doesn't really hate you." Having gone through this myself when I was 19 and gone through it with my daughter. I think she really does hate you. I had a bullseye target in my school dorm with my Mom's picture in the middle. I only say this to help you understand where she is coming from not to add to the pain. Both my daughter and I were manic depressive. She, now (37 yo), has told me that at the time she thought she was an adult and so much smarter than I was. I was just stupid. Now my daughter tells me she felt very confident that she was so smart and adult, more than she feels she is today. The one thing she says now that makes me feel good, is that she always knew that I would love her no matter what. Funny, I think back at those times when she was absolutely awful and think I might not have loved her as much as she thought I did at that time. I was so worried that she'd turn out to be an adult that I wouldn't like.
I was worried about suicide because I knew she was depressed. When I was that age I thought about suicide a lot, but always thought, although I hated them at the time, that I couldn't do that to my parents. It was just too selfish. I didn't care about myself. I'm not sure how my daughter felt but eventually, she went for help at uni and started on anti-depression pills. After talking to other parents with similar problems before kids go off to uni, I think the conflict is something that helps you cope with them going away, for both of you. I agree that part of her problem is caused by her anxiety about going away.
Also, when she argues about things you say, you think they aren't listening, but now, my daughter is constantly repeating things I said at the time. I thought she wasn't listening. And I think of how I resented things my mother said and now I think how right she was about things I rejected at the time (like about having good posture - sorry I didn't listen). I miss my Mom many times during each day.
The only thing that helped me was taking classes in dealing with these problems and being part of support groups. My daughter wasn't bipolar, so this might not be exactly the same but professional help for you seems to be the answer because she is refusing assistance. If interaction with her causes problems, I'm with the group that says try to have as little interaction as possible. A messy room is minor and can be cured by closing the door.
Hopefully, your daughter will become at least half as sweet as my 37 yo Pediatrician daughter who now has to deal with her own teenagers and their parents. I'm not sure if I should say this because you won't believe it but I sometime miss those arguments from when she was a teenager because she is so sweet now that I wonder what she really thinks. When she was a teenager, she never held back any of her feelings. We are very close now and hopefully that is in your future too. I agree that she won't really be an adult until at least the age 23. Good Luck to you both.
She's sounds on the spectrum to me. sounds a lot like my Aspie son.
I am not a doctor or psychologist but l wonder if she could have Aspergers Syndrome, autistic spectrum disorder. Much that you describe, the difficulty making and maintaining friendships, the dislike of small talk and even depression can be symptomatic of this. I have a daughter with this and I can empathise with a lot of what you say. It is a great deal more difficult to get a diagnosis of this with girls and women as the symptoms are far more subtle than in their male counterparts. For years it was thought that the ratio of men/ boys with Asperger's to women/girls was 10:1. The latest research suggests it is equal. People with Asperger's tend to behave in a much younger way than their chronological age so that could be another reason why she is acting like a continually hormonal 13 year old. As l said, l am not a medical professional but your description sounded so familiar.
Maybe her monthly cycle exacerbates her other problems too.
To be fair I wouldn’t even broach the subject with her. Instead I’d write a nice long note with what’s going to be happening in YOUR HOME in future. Meals to be cooked for yourself separately! All laundry is your own responsibility, as is tidying bedrooms and changing bed linen ( stipulate in that how often you’d like her to change the bedding). Cleaning the areas of the house each of you use, as you go along, not to be left to “Do it later on”. Note also that you’ve left this written down rather than get into another argument with her, as that’s not what you want. But these are the rules of your home and she needs to respect them, and you. Take it or leave it!
You can’t be living with a bubbling volcano in your own house, you need peace and comfort not a fighting arena. Good luck ? Much Love ?
I have complete sympathy, as I have a similar situation which I'm not prepared to discuss publicly. There is No easy answer - but please don't take any of this personally. These are mental health issues. Unfortunately it seems to me that the Mental health team only surface in times of crisis, but it's worth contacting them and clearly stating your concerns. I know they wont discuss her with you but you should tell them that you are very worried about her. Or even email/write to them so there will be evidence if there is a crisis and they haven't responded. I don't mean to make Mental Health workers villains - I've no doubt they're very busy, but this means you have to really tell it how it is. Another point is medication; it's really important, but I know you have no control - you can at least tell the MH workers if she's not taking it.
I've never contacted them but I've heard good reports of SANE - for either/both of you. You need a listening ear.
Try and not blame her - she's ill; and DO NOT blame yourself - she's ill. Unfortunately once they are adult we have no control over how our children deal with it.
You're xnot alone
Strangely, she got up yesterday and was like a different person - she changed her bed, talked, smiled at me more than once, and made dinner for us both. I wonder how she'll be today.
The problem with you acting like a unit on her good days is that you then find yourself dumped from a height on her bad days.
Ups arent always a good sign in mental health they can be part of the problematic pattern.
So as tempting as it is to enjoy the ups, I think you should maintain your boundaries throughout them so that they are still in place for her downs.
Chatting and laughing is fine, but still retreat for time alone to do your hobbies activites. I would still eat and cook separately (sell the housemate set up as yoi seeing her as an adult) and keep your respective bedrooms strictly private non communal.
So less to be destroyed on a swing down IYKWIM.
The ups can be selfish too: "Im happy today so we all should be"
Maintain your own space and boundaries and routines throughout. 
You sound like a lovely caring Mum Ilovedragonflies. I just wanted to agree with what others have mentioned already that the combination of fearing you were going to die (I feel that would be so traumatic she didn't know how to even speak about it) plus going away to Uni (one of my AC was so frightened of the unknown and not making friends and they said they weren't going!) is proving too much for your daughter. This is at an age when they think they are supposed to be adults and able to cope. I actually had to take mine to Uni, almost forcibly, and stay there until this child felt strong enough to stay alone). Uni ended up being great! We expect our DC to suddenly cope with transitioning from home to Uni and it's too much for some of them. It doesn't mean that they aren't ready to go, just that they need help preparing. You can speak to a tutor about your daughter to pre-warn them that she may not ask for help and request that someone talks to her if she appears to be struggling. Ask if you can phone to check she is okay every now and then. All Unis have lots of help available. In the meantime tell her calmly that it would help if she prepares for Uni by cooking her own meals (you can still pay for the food) and doing her own washing. Make it positive by saying that you know how she doesn't always like what you cook. Offer to help if she wants it but be firm and don't do it for her. Talk to her about how she's going to manage her money - it's very important to plan a budget so she doesn't get swamped by it! Tell her she can visit home whenever she wants - don't let her think you are waiting for her to go. Above all, I think, don't ignore her even if she ignores you. Continue to chat and be upbeat as much as you possibly can and walk away when you need to. If she's rude to you tell her it's not acceptable. Don't try to get in her head if she's in a bad place and don't descend to her level - you know that she does love you. Do what makes you happy - cheerful music? a hobby? and forget each other for a bit. There's a big change coming for both of you and you both must be so anxious. Perhaps you might think of getting help for you too when you can. It's hard coping alone, and even worse at the moment. Start planning now for things to occupy you when she goes because, yes, you will be relieved, but you will also miss her more than you can possibly think.
I am sorry about your situation and feel for you. It sounds like this is part of her bipolar illness and is fairly common that people feel fine and stop taking their medication then have a dip either becoming over enthusiastic and agitated or becoming depressed. It is not your fault and you are clearly doing your best for her. Is their any way you could talk to her mental health professional or GP?
If you google 'Bipolar and Selfishness' there is a lot written about this aspect of the illness. In fact Bipolar is often misdiagnosed as self absorption. It is a symptom rather than a personality trait (although of course selfish people can be bipolar) and so if she is not prepared to accept treatment the GP recommends you are not likely to change it by trying to persuade her to be more considerate. This doesn't help you find a solution but maybe there are times when you just need to walk out the room and do your own thing. If you do have space to be housemates that might work but it is trial and error. It is difficult because people need to want help but with an illness like that part of the problem is that part of the time they will think that everything is wonderful and the rest of the time be too down to care.
I hope you can find a way for you both to cope. There needs to be more help for families living with someone with mental illness.
Xrgran ....
You clearly have no knowledge of mental health issues!!
You say she finds it hard to make friends well if she behaves like this it’s not surprising!
Whatever other issues she has they are not get out of jail free cards to be used to excuse selfish behaviour.
Conflict may be coming from personality clashes- that’s understandable and the only way to survive is to cut the other person a lot of slack! Not everyone agrees with us all the time.
I’ve seen a similar situation in my own family with the result of a person in their mid 20s who cannot cope with life or relationships at all. Every excuse was made for them as a teenager and they had no idea how to cope without their servant parents hovering over them and taking care of everything.
Do your own thing and ignore sulking and bad behaviour and definitely let her cook her own food.
I lovedragonflies There are two sides to every story and I would take no side not knowing your D but have to wonder how she sees yourself like you see her? Show me the perfect mother daughter relationship.!
D will be at Uni come September.Is it too difficult for you to hold back no matter what D is doing/ saying /not doing saying? as you will miss her,warts and all,take my word for it. Maybe this separation is not going to be such a bad thing, 'for both of you'?, as neither of you will be the same persons you were before this forth coming separation as you will be once D returns.
I find myself being silent when he is around for fear of saying something he will find fault with.
I know exactly how you feel, except mine is a son, 21 who will finish university next year. He loves me, but he doesn’t like me much. I have four other sons who appear to like my company so I have something to compare it to, and I truly don’t think he likes me.
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