Controlling husbands

"Keffie wrote:
"Times were different then and men tried to dictate the odds and were slowly finding out they couldnt".
This is typical of the 50s to early 60s when we women were starting to be educated and compete with men in the workplace.
www.youtube.com/watch?v=LS37SNYjg8w&pbjreload=101

My 1st husband was a control freak and abusive. I finally managed to leave him 20 years ago.

My 2nd husband was/is the total opposite and never tried any of that you say you have with your husband. Unfortunately he passed 2 years ago

Regarding your husband as you have been married for 50 plus years you must have been married late 60s, early 70s.

Times were different then and men tried to dictate the odds and were slowly finding out they couldnt

I was born in the 1950s in a small town. One woman who lived near us left her husband and it was the talk of the place. Everyone knew the husband used to beat her but the prevailing attitude then was that she should have stayed and put up with it!

I have friends who married controlling men and it never ended well. No help with their children, not allowed to drive the car, life revolved around them. Why on earth do women marry men like that? I worked with a lady whose husband refused to let her learn to drive, refused her wish for children and I am sure on occasion beat her. She would come into work with an assortment of bruises which she would blame on falling down the stairs. All very sad. My OH and I are equals and hopefully we have passed this attitude on to our children. My son and his partner share childcare and housework and cooking. One day controlling men will be bred out forever!

@ Winefride I hope things have got better for you now. If you and your sister are being mutually supportive, tell your DH to butt out! Is he jealous or something? On the other hand, if the support is one-sided, as in it's you who are being the supportive one without getting much back, maybe your DH is concerned for you? I have felt like an on-line/telephone Counsellor to one of my sisters, and have had to distance myself, unfortunately. She has always been quite self-centred, and she was wearing me down. Lockdown is putting pressure on so many relationships, I feel...

I am being controlled because of our differing politics. I am now unable to make any comment, or express my view on politics at all. It has always been a bit of a joke in the past, DH votes one way, I another, but it's not funny any more when it is leading to arguments. It has now got to the stage, as of last night, that we will not be able to watch the 10 o'clock news together - any view I dare to express is met with such vitriol. I have been told, literally, to "keep your trap shut"! DH has never spoken to me like this before. I feel hurt, lonely and isolated. It's as though any criticism I direct at "his side" is a personal affront to him. I know he is under pressure, desperate for a Retirement which seems further away because of current events, and hating every minute at work, and I am trying to make allowances, but I have pressures too. I am currently Furloghed, but have caring responsibilities (for his Mum!) and am doing everything at home to make his life easier. Is anyone else having these issues? I fear that long-term damage is being done.

My ex was controlling, although of course, he would deny that.
Then, when I met his parents, I could see where that trait came from.
I can't stand mind games, and silent treatment and all that stuff that people employ to try and wear you down, but of course, it's very subtle at first.

Mine has always like that. You would think after 40 years he would have learnt by now. I'm am fiercely independent and don't give in. He gets told off on a regular basis. He really raises my blood pressure though when he does it.

BBarb and Evie64
I was with a controlling husband for 40 years but had a good career and 3 children to 'dilute' the impact. None of my colleagues, friends or family knew I was unhappy at home. However after the children had flown the nest however I did pluck up immense courage to leave him after unsuccessfully trying counselling as I simply could not face eventual retirement ahead with such a man. A late separation/divorce is however financially very difficult for most but can be done if there are enough assets/income to split 50:50 and to buy a house/flat each, plus divided pensions, but usually there is a significant adjustment needed to a lower standard of living for both parties. Your future happiness will be a trade off against other factors which you may value differently and you will feel lonely at times. If there are not enough assets and income, then it is likely to be very difficult to leave without acrimony and possibly guilt, and therefore you may need to consider what else you can do to make life a little more bearable. Do find some new hobbies and wider groups of friends when social distancing permits. Diluting the impact of the degree of control may help, and try not to be an ' enabler' through being made to feel guilty/selfish, or any other adjective your husband may use when you push the boundaries in order to get to do what you want to do with your life.

Controlling, moi!
I'm not that brave or stupid enough to try!
A point raised earlier:- My bro in law has changed since C-19. He was always a bit careful or even precise but he is absolutely scared about 'the plague'
No one in their circle of friends has it. But it is keeping him awake. He really does not want himself or his wife to go out for walks. He is only one step away from being controlling.
It can change people, we hope it is temporary.

Sometimes the control is taken insidiously as in gaslighting and emotional control. Which nevertheless is still abusive.

I never married and have never regretted it for one second.

No divorced him many years ago, best thing I did!

Tell him to get stuffed and you'll do what you want to do.

If we were meant to be controlled we would have come with a remote! It must be so difficult Bbarb for your life to have been this way for 50 years. Not sure that things will change much unless you can stand up to him and say NO enough is enough.

When I met my present husband 20years ago he used to hover in the kitchen asking have you finished with or that I made my leaving cooking cured him of that by turning round with a container of soup cold for the freezer went all over him just told him luckily it was cold and what did he expect standing behind me, also tried to tell me how to fry a egg because I did not have a pan full of fat walked out of kitchen saying over my shoulder ok you can call me when it's on the table . He learnt his lesson . He laughs about and tells people the story

@Sys2ad2 you only have one life, and if you continue to live with this man you will look back and wonder why you didn’t leave, regardless of what you might lose financially.
I would urge everyone not to consider finance as a reason to stay, we’re not in the 1940s help is available.
I have a friend who lost most of the money from her house because she left her husband for another man. She went on to spend the happiest five years of her life with this man, who was the love of her life. He sadly died but she wouldn’t do anything differently.
I have been single for almost thirteen years because I don’t want anyone to control me, it’s happened in the past and I don’t trust myself to be assertive when in love. I have been much happier in those thirteen years. I finally found out who I really was.

My ex H started with the control rubbish after I'd had the children, and was restricting and denying them their personalities whilst showing no interest in their/our welfare. He resented the costs of being a father. I was disgusted.

I asked him to leave. And have [happily, most of the time] been my own person for 43 years now and my sons are stable, well balanced and decent men who adore their children.

[Luckily] I was brought up by a widow [grandmother], a single mother and an independent aunt...no controlling men around nor needed or wanted.

People are as controlling as others allow them to be!

Evie 64 ....your marriage sounds just like mine ...oh we’re so alike ,.. except he hid his family’s mental instability ...which ran rampant through a whole lot of them. Two aunts ...his sister...his nephew... I wondered why he wanted to marry quickly!? He has always trying to avoid talking of them. I’ve been married 48 years...the past 24 I’ve been nursing him after a minor stroke . He gave up working and since then my life has been 1 long morbid , disturbed, and wrecking experience ! I can sympathise., so much! Mine will NOT take responsibility for anything even his own health...I wish I’d been brave enough to walk away but feared of burdening my two kids ( then 18 and 21)..I would’ve gone but for them. Don’t let yours trash your life if you can..go!

The only thing my husband controls is the remote control and that is only because I let him.

When my sister married, her DH commented his trousers were crumpled-that was cos they’d been on the floor all night where he’d dropped them. It seems his mother used to come into his-and his brother’s room-after they’d gone to bed and tidy up. He soon understood if he didn’t pick them up they’d stay crumpled. Early training so important. My DH was a teacher and still thinks he’s in charge. He’s cook of the house too-v good-although not always what I’d choose but who cares? As OP says I just agree then do my own thing ?

Stick to yuor guns or hewilltake control.

Husband no 1 was controlling, or tried to be. Unfortunately for him he married a woman who had been brought up by a strong mother who instilled into us girls that marriage was an equal partnership and let no man control you. So that is why he was No 1. No 2, Mr B is the complete opposite we work together.

My DH goes through the Radio Times highlighting what he intends to watch. I see this as controlling my viewing( there are other TVs but only one decent one so we watch together). If I want something different he may agree but will show his displeasure. The really annoying thing is that he goes to sleep in the programmes he really wants to watch, though if I try to change channels he wakes up,
He also controls our meals to some extent. If I say I want something different he does not compromise so it ends up with complicated juggling of saucepans or timings.
I think he just assumes that I want what he wants, that we agree on everything, though he will often do his own thing without telling me, either before or after.
I don’t think he means any harm. He is quite ok about the things I do by myself ( in normal times) but just makes assumptions and even after 38 years of marriage he is taken aback when I reveal different thinking. It is actually very self centred, I realise.