So much doubt about whether to leave my husband

The sad thing about lying is that it prevents people from getting to know one another- People lie because they are afraid to reveal their true self, afraid of others response to the truth- They can be evasive and dismissive but also kind and good in an effort to offset or rationalize the guilt they experience living a lie-

Do good, kind people often lie?

Is it posible for you both to agree to 'time out' and one of you move out of the family home for a few months?

If you were to lave him permanently, you would need your own space - this is the less radical approach.

It will help consolidate your feelings and, if you then decide you want to try again, do so.

If not, then you've both managed to distance yourself and can seek independence.

Have you booked yourselves into Relate for some sessions of mediation? It might help in the decision.

I'm not sure that a good, kind, man would consistently lie to you Sielha. I think you need to look at all the pros and cons of your relationship including the practical implications if you left. Your children are adult now so I don't see the need to stay for their sake. Have you talked to your children about your problems ?
It would probably help you to talk things through with an independent person. Good luck.

Sielha Don't talk to your children who can't possibly be unbiased - talk to a counsellor. This may mean you have to pay someone as I believe the waiting list for Relate is long, but you have let this go on long enough and frankly none of us can make changes in our personality at this stage in our life.

Take some time to look at the practical side of things - where would you live? Would he be the one to move out? Finances, etc.

There can be no trust when someone constantly lies, even over small things. I know ... I've been there. How can you believe him over anything at all? In the end, he will only have to say he's going to B&Q and you won't believe him !!!

You need to do some serious thinking, and a counsellor could help you with this. Good luck.

If you are very unhappy living with him then probably it would be best to leave but surely it cannot be easy, guilt, finance, not wishing to hurt or inflict loneliness to him or yourself and probably many other conflicts as well.
I am starting to really believe we all deserve to be happy, we pass this way only once so should we not benefit from happiness if we can?

It is a bit over used currently but practicing Midfulness can be really usefull not only if the focus of other things but starting an awareness of how we need to look after our own wellbeing.
I imagine the majority of women (Grans) on GN are of an age that put far more effort and responsibility for others in all relationships than is expected or the norm today and rarely putting themselves first.

All said it is hard place to be, good luck whatever you decide.

So sorry to hear that things are difficult Sielha.
I am with Bradfordlass on this.

Spending some time apart would give you both time to re-evaluate what your relationship means to you and what you are prepared to do, to rebuild it or to end it.
(My sister in law did this, rented a flat for a few months and found it helped, I think it woke her partner up a bit ... and they got back together).

Other people’s good advice about talking to family and considering counselling also holds true, of course.

Great advice here. Invest in yourself literally, by paying for a decent counsellor.

Someone close to me called it a day last February.
Both had counselling in 2014 and tried to move forward.
At first both parties attempted to follow advice, change outlooks and build on what they had together.
However, things did not change for the best.
After almost 30 years 'x' made the hard choice, another 30 years with a possible yearly or monthly deterioration of the relationship or divorce.

If only one person is prepared to change, meet the other half way, build on what life they have together life, then the relationship is doomed.

Last year has been hard, but the improvement in mental health has been worth it.
Planning small things such as visiting friends, weekend away every so often has helped.

Excercise (walking) and healthy eating has helped immensely.

I wish them both Happy 2020.

Sielha, you only have one life. Don't live it for children, grandchildren or your husband - live it for YOU!

Leave, before things change so that you cannot.

You are stuck.

You don't know which way to turn, or how to turn it.

In your heart you will know whether you can face another twenty or thirty years in the same situation. Your children are adults and independent, your grandchildren are not your responsibility (except to love them).

If you can, make an appointment with a Relate counsellor. Talk through the positives and negatives. Make the next six months the time you will decide one way or another - and then follow through, making the best of whichever path you take.

A lot of good advice here, thank you

Sielha, I can only add that I agree with Sparklefizz and others. Think very hard about how you want to spend the rest of your life.

If you have to ask the question the answer is probably yes.

Sielha I remember well the frustration you voiced over a year ago and it seems things have gone from bad to worse.
I think this was summer 2018?
Suppose I just need to offload/rant but does anyone feel a slight resentment creeping in when they are living with someone who has had one health issue after the other for the last 5 years? Sounds cruel even as I type it but it’s wearing me down, especially when they don’t take care of themselves. I feel like I have another child to look after when we should be entering a more relaxed phase of our lives (I’m 55 and he’s 61 so not really old!) I know that it’s just life and that I should be grateful for what I have, and I am but it’s hard not to feel resentful at times. I also have a pregnant daughter who lives very near with her husband and 1 year old son, who she suspects is on the autistic spectrum, so she also demands a lot of me. As mums, grans, sisters, aunties etc, we seem to be expected to provide all the emotional support whilst neglecting our own needs. I’ll stop here as I’m annoying myself now? Rant OVER!!
But deep down I wonder whether this is at the bottom of it all.
You sound exhausted but can’t see a way out.
Pity is not a substitute for love though.
The best advice I could offer would be get help - whether that is counselling, legal advice, practical domestic help - but whatever it takes to help you find yourself and take whatever decision you finally settle on.

You say that your husband is willing to change your relationship but hasn't done so. Do you mean that he says he will try to change and does nothing, or has tried to change without success?

I would start by asking him again whether he is willing to change or not, and book marriage counselling for you both.

Next point, do you still love him and want to stay with him?

If not, you need to find out how you will be placed financially if you leave him.

Why does you husband lie to you? Is it an inferiority complex that lies behind all these lies? Why have you put up with it so long? (Probably because you love him, I guess).

I hope you find a solution that suits you. Your husband is an adult who must take responsibility for himself.

Leave him. I left mine 2 years ago and it was the best thing that ever happened to me. My children said that it was lovely to have their mum back again. I am 60yrs young and you will find a wonderful new life waiting for you. Good luck ?

You must make a decision and after 32 years of marriage it is going to be difficult, but I think you have already in your mind made that decision. Do it now or forever keep quiet. Tell him how you feel and that it takes 2 to change things, if after 3 years it's the same then obvious he nor you are committed to change. Dont blame family on you staying in an unhappy marriage, I'm sure children and grandchildren would prefer you to be happy. Big decisions but maybe the changes are on the horizon. Good luck.

Do something good and kind for you. When it feels scary to jump that is exactly when you jump. Otherwise you end up staying in the same place your whole life.

I think you’ve listed all the reasons you should leave your husband. Do your children know your problems? If they do, then I’m sure they will support you. However, as you are still undecided it is probably not right for you at the moment. Think hard. It’s not easy starting out alone. Will you have a home, income, etc?

Life is not a rehearsal and you only get one chance after over 25 years I decided to
end it my regrets will always be why I hadnt 19 years earlier ,patching and ignoring didnt work.
Finally I had to make some drastic decisions because I knew that I did not want to die in the situation baring his name.
Decide and put wherever your decisions are into action .if your to stay then work for its success if you decide to leave work for that to succeed as well.
Its not going to be easy which ever way you decide

Yes others are right,you describe him as a good kind man,but how you say he is does not mean that to me? I presume hes good & kind in other ways? Does not swear,hurt or hit you,? Or helps where he can,etc? Obviously the lies are too much now,but im not sure where the 'legal battles' come in? ,nor where your real complaints are,if hes good and kind? Are you simply saying youre bored of him? Or simply fallen out of love with him,or what?its not clear what crux of it all is.and after 32years,if hes genuinely,good and kind to you,well,you could do worse.or you could start again,& jump from frying pan into fire,or get someone whose not 'good or kind' to you. Maybe you could live separate lives but within your home& see how that goes?

Legal battles with your husband?

What has this involved?!