I could never have imagined this situation

I assume that you have considered the possibility that he is seeing someone else when he is in the UK?

If that is out of the question, it still seems like he is being secretive about something, but without knowing him it is difficult to suggest what.

Have you asked him why he doesn't want you to come to his appointments? I fully understand people wanting to keep their medical situation private; but is there any reason why he doesn't want you to travel back with him, particularly if he has a wait between appointments? You could have a little break together, and be company for one another.

In your shoes (which I'm not, so it might not work for you) I would tell him that I am concerned about his going away so much, or that I miss him when he's gone, and I would like to come along now and then to visit friends or family in the UK, see what he says, and take it from there.

Just to clarify the situation. DH has a medical background and is very open with me about his health issues. I see the consultants letters and he explains them to me in layman’s terms. But he is a very private person. Whereas other people would like the support of a wife with them at hospital, he says he would hate it. He doesn’t like any fuss or attention.
He goes back once or twice a month. We couldn’t afford for us both to go over and he often ends up with follow up appointments so doesn’t know when he will return.

If he is a private person, maybe he just wants to deal with this on his own . You say We couldn’t afford for us both to go over so it seems that you couldn't go with him anyway.

I can understand his actions - I've always been very private with my health, and a few years ago I dealt with a cancer situation without telling anyone in my family . Perhaps your husband wants to deal with this heart problem on his own .

From what you say, he sounds like a man who does things in his own way , so you'll have to go along with that. At least you are close, just being in France, so if he did get sick while in the UK you could go over pretty quickly.

Sorry I can't give any suggestions - I think you just have to roll with the flow at the moment.

Just a question - where does he stay during these extended visits for his health appointments ? It just seems odd that you can't afford to go with him, but he can afford to go and stay for lengthy periods without you.

How fair is it to live elsewhere for 6 years become that countries registered residents but still use the NHS

I d want to know much more of why the UK is pulling him back so much first his mum where you say he spent months at a time, and now his health, he either doesn’t really want to live in France or he has a reason to want to be in Uk using his private nature as an excuse
He doesn’t want you with him !!
He goes back once or twice a month !!
I m sorry but this sounds very very suspect to me I d want to know much more about his visits which basically have been going on for over three years
As Stella says where does he stay ? Is the hospital he attends in a similar area to his mother’s home
Am I wrong or have you posted about your worries before it sounds very familiar ?

Actually I can understand him wanting to be alone.If I am ill I often find that I am better off just getting on with it my myself. I know it is horrid for you and you want to support him but perhaps he is just the sort of person who likes to be ill by himself. I think some people , maybe people who are very practical in their outlook, prefer this way of doing things.

Clearly you have been together a long time, so you knew what your husband was like, this is nothing new.

It must cost an absolute fortune to go backwards and forwards to the UK and pay for what is essential two abodes whilst this is happening.
Perhaps a little revision of the budget might enable you to travel with him, even if he attends these appointments alone.

You say, He doesn’t like any fuss or attention but he's getting a heck of a lot of that already and probably more so if he has a medical background and may be treated almost like a colleague by the doctors.

So he must mean he doesn't want any fuss or attention from you. Another cause for upset when you want to be supportive.

He's not prepared to act as part of a loving, caring couple, just intent on going his own way as if you and your feelings don't matter. At this extremely stressful time for you both, he should have more consideration.

However, I doubt there's much you can do about it RamblingRose4 you won't change him at this late stage.

Do you have children? If you have, where do they live?

Rambling rose I am sorry you are getting anxious and worried. It must be very difficult for you. If you are ever left by yourself would you continue to live in France or would you return to the UK? I would be future planning a bit in your situation and thinking what I would want. I hope things improve for you.

I wonder if what you want matters at all to him Ramblingrose , you mention at length what he wants but no-where is there any indication that your thoughts, wishes or concerns are taken into account at all?

I can appreciate that he does not want 'a fuss' but to not want the support of his wife of many years? And to seemingly, not care about the distress this is causing her?

Maybe its time to sit down, put your cards on the table and tell him what YOU want and not take no for an answer- he seems to have down well enough bull dozing through his wishes- now its time for you maybe?

Your husband is placing you in an untenable situation RamblingRose47 seems like you are living to suit his wishes without any consideration for yours. I understand his illness may be making him stressed and unhappy but it seems he doesn't want you to be involved in his UK life.
I too don't understand the financial issues, if he can afford to stay in UK but you can't I would want to be looking at that more closely.
I think you hit the nail on the head when you said we have been living this separated life for three years^. This clearly suits him.

He stays with his sister and brother in law. It would be impossible for him to do this otherwise.
It’s quite fair and legal for us to use the NHS which we have both paid into all our working lives. We now pay into the french health insurance system. We moved to France when we retired.
Stella49, you have understood how he feels and that is reassuring to me. Bradfordlass, you have also summed it up very well.
We have talked about it endlessly and I’ve had many tears Nanaandgrampy. He knows I want him to get treatment in France where the treatment is excellent and he would be at home. He says he doesn’t speak french well enough and with the NHS doctors he can discuss issues in detail.. Whilst I can understand this, all our friends here have been treated with sympathetic, English speaking doctors and he knows this.

Then it’s just an excuse on his part isn’t it Ramblingrose? A smack in the face to your feelings which, as an equal partner in your marriage, is abhorrent.

I’m sorry you’re going through this but your husband’s actions speak volumes . I wonder how he would feel if the boot was on the other foot ?

I don’t have a solution for you - you either live with his callous disregard for your feelings or you don’t ?

If he has a medical background he maybe feels safer in the system he understands and it used to.

I don’t know what the answer is though, how would you feel about moving back?

As he is very ill I would just let him get on with it, do what makes him happy. In the meantime why don't you concentrate on building up a life of your own, doing what you want to do and doing things you enjoy. You can't change him but you can change your attitude and your own life. If you turn the tables on him he may start to change his behaviour but you can't change it for him.

What I can't understand is that if you have left the UK and are living in another country for longer than 6 months, you are not entitled to NHS treatment !
I used to work for an opticians and had to deal with several customers that had retired to Spain and had returned to the UK to see family, were astounded to find out that despite the contribution they had paid throughout their working life, because they lived in Spain, they couldn't even get a free eye test or even hospital treatment beyond emergency!
I can only guess that your husband has given his brother's address as his home so that he can have whatever treatment he needs, but really don't understand why he won't allow you to return to the UK with him, private person or not! Medical background? Well I would have thought that he would know the figures that statement that patients that have support from family and close friends get better and deal with their illness a lot better and quicker than those that don't.
Sorry, but you really need to ask questions - not only from DH but his family too!

I, like doodledog think this is curious.
Firstly to put your mind at rest, my husband had a stroke in France (we lived there for a few years) and the care he received was truly amazing. If language is an issue, most doctors spoke English. The speed of diagnosis, scans etc was within an hour of arriving. He was in a private room, where the care he was given was excellent.
If it isn’t the French health system but something else, what could it be? I think there is something your partner is keeping from you. It is difficult to speculate but it could be as simple worrying about his health but my feeling is it is more than that.
Does he not actually like living in France?
Perhaps, he now likes his own company more than sharing?

We could go on.

What is required is a meaningful, direct conversation where the outcome has to be you sharing your life together, wherever that is.

Good luck.

That is not quite correct jaylucy
It would be dependent on age and pension status. We live in France and our health care is paid by UK. Therefore we can still access NHS, etc although we pay for eye tests. I still pay UK tax.

Rambling Rose
Important question. Does he love you in other ways or is this his way across the board.

Most long term marriages are comprised of deep and uncomfortable and indeed utterly painful compromises at times and your husband should for the sake of peace be taking your views into account more. You have to weigh up the whole bigger picture.
Thinking of you from Dawn xx.

Ramblingrose, if you are paying into the French health system, that is because you are French residents.
Him using the NHS is Illegal, he is getting around it by using his sisters address.

Which country issues his European Health card ??. , whose name is his emergency contact his sister or you ???

I believe he is living another life in the UK.

Just a thought Rambling Rose. Are you generally a anxious person who would raise his own anxiety, of you were to go with him ?
Perhaps being alone is the way he handles things.
My DH is similar in that he attends all medical appointments by himself. I think that way he feels in control.
Having you there might in his mind make the situation seem worse than it is or that he wants it to be. He might feel nore secure with NHS treatment and you trying to persuade him otherwise might raise his stress levels.
I think you need to abide by his wishes unless things become more serious health wise .
If you do become ill yourself then that is a different matter and would need to be discussed .

Your husband is being selfish. He has decided he’s doing things his way and anything you say will be rebuffed. He may even say you’re trying to control him. You will have to face him down with this, there is no other way. Tell him you’re going with him, whether you can afford it or not. And go.

The French health system was somebody has already said is amazing: the speed of diagnosis, the hospital etc are incredible. I speak as one who knows, having lived there for many years. You are not entitled to NHS treatment, no matter how much you've paid (I know from my father who lived abroad) and you are defrauding the NHS. I don't know why your husband is so secretive (maybe he doesn't want to implicate you?) Or maybe he has someone else, though that would be difficult if he stays with relations, surely? Whatever it is, it must be costing more in plane/boat tickets than it would to rent a place in the UK! If you love France, stay there with your friends and tell him to stay in the UK until whatever this is blows over and to stop this intermittent relationship

He’s being selfish sorry
Ok he’s unwell but he is completely disregarding your feelings in every way shape and form.
Let hi. Carry on if that’s what he wants but you need to build your own life in France now and let him get on with it (as that seems exactly what he wants)