Silent Treatment

My husband can occasionally go silent. Usually when he's tired. It drives me mad and I tell him to snap out of it.

However it never lasts long. I get the feeling yours might drag on a bit?

It's very poor behaviour. Could be seen as abusive.

I don't know what to suggest really but I understand your frustration and am sorry that you're having to go through this. Especially after so many years married.

Thanks. It usually goes on for a few days. He’s shut himself in his room just now. I am usually the one who breaks the ice because I can’t stand the atmosphere but I really don’t feel I can be bothered anymore. ?

My husband used to go into a sulk when he didn't get his own way. I just ignored him and kept myself occupied until he came out of it.

I suspect that, when he was a child, if he sulked, mummy would fuss over him and give in to whatever it was he wanted. He had to learn that I wasn't mummy and sulks didn't wash with me. A pity I didn't meet his mummy until after we had married, otherwise there would have been no wedding.

It's a shame you can't just go and stay with a friend for a couple of days. It might shock him, and make him think twice next time.

What a miserable situation Tenacious if it were me I would leave him to be silent alone and then tomorrow I would organise to go out without him to the nearest coffee shop and I would sit reading my book or newspaper for as long as I wanted. I would wait until he starts to behave and then tell him how childish he has been and you will do your own thing until he can behave like an adult. Best of luck.

Sounds like you have reached the end of your tether with this behaviour after 39 years
TenaciousB can't say I blame you. Don't think there is any easy way round it apart from confrontation. I was in a similar position and endured a period of serious marital disharmony before we agreed on a better way of dealing with our issues. It depends how much you value the relationship.

The silent treatment drives me mad.
It's so senseless!

If someone has annoyed you, have a go, have a blazing row if necessary, but walking around with a long face, not talking.

Just ridiculous!

I'm so sorry you have to put up with this childish behaviour. When I was little my mother used to say, 'if you really want to hurt someone, just ignore them'. She and dad often ignored me sometimes for a fortnight, and it was usually over something trivial. It hurt a lot and I bet you hurt too. I'd like to give him a peace of my mind. Maybe give him a peace of his own medicine? But you're too nice for that. Take care of yourself.

Hi TenaciousB, my father was always doing that (I'm 63 and my father has recently died). It made the home have such a bad atmosphere. It was difficult for my brother and I for the 18 years we were there - but my mother suffered most. I can understand why he was like that (his own background and stress at work etc), and at times he could also be lovely, but this childish sulking that would go on for days was awful. The trouble is that, even if they are in another room, its very hard to relax and forget about them, because of the horrible atmosphere. Try and do what you can to make him understand how stupid and destructive this is. Good luck!

My friend is on her second marriage and her H is just like that.
His first wife died and none of us knew her so I think she let him have his own way all the time.
My friend just does her own thing and while he never comes round to her point of view. it slowly blows over and an uneasy truce is formed until the next time.
I wouldn't put up with it and have told her so.
She is happy just doing her own thing.
He is very generous with treats and expensive holidays, perhaps that is the answer.
He also does not want to be on his own and to have to look after himself so compromises on both sides seem to work.

Just live your own life and ignore his childish sulking.

TenaciousB……Can you get out and about on your own?
If you can, Rosieleah, Nankate, and Seacliff, Have the right idea I think.
Try to leave him on his own, and then fill your time with something you like doing.

Good luck!

I couldn't be doing with that - I would take myself off on a trip for a few days.

Give him a dose of his own medecine. Next time you are irritated with him, sulk for a couple of days. It may be rather boring, but a dose of the cold shoulder might give him a shock.

I do trust when he is sulking like he does you do not continue to cook meals for him or do anything else for him. If he acts in an uncooperative manner, so should you, I bet hunger and a lack of clean clothes, and an unmade bed would bring him to his senses.

Too late now but you should have taken strong action earlier on, before he got used to doing it to you.

Honestly, I wouldn't be arsed with trying to play him at his own game - such a waste of your precious life - go and do something fun with that time - turn it on its head and make it a positive opportunity for you to go off and enjoy yourself!

As in...."Well if you are going to not speak to me for a few days, then I will go off and enjoy myself" That will wake him up!!!

It's so much more than someone just not talking though.
It creates an atmosphere, and its no fun going off to do your own thing as if you've not a care in the world with a heavy heart.

I have a grandson who behaves like this. There was me thinking he would grow out of it when he matured! I pity his poor partner if he ever finds one!

It is a form of attention seeking in my opinion so needs ignoring. I hope you manage a way to cope, TenaciousB

My Dad, who is long gone, could sulk for England sometimes it went on for weeks. He would stay in his bedroom only coming out to fix something to eat, use the bathroom or go to work it was horrendous as my Mum would just act like he didn’t exist. She would sleep in my room and we weren’t supposed to speak to him either or she would get cross with us kids. I can remember such relief when they finally called a truce and happy families was restored.
I wouldn’t let it make you miserable just carry on doing whatever you enjoy or be really brave and give him an ultimatum and see what reaction you get. Good luck.

I think that this behaviour is passive aggressive. I would ignore it totally - go out, invite someone round, whatever and make it clear that it's not to be tolerated. When you are communicating again I would discuss it calmly and say it's just not acceptable.

I do not think I would go on a trip with a "heavy heart" - I would set off with a spring in my step and leave him to stew!

I certainly would have a heavy heart if I had to stay there and put up with it.

Life is just too short - and if he saw that this is what happens when he does it, then he might think twice next time - I mean he will have to cook his own meals!

I would suggest counselling or trial separation, a nuclear option to bring him to his senses or you will be stuck with this forever. I agree with others, life's too short for this nonsense and I also agree that it is abusive behaviour.

Maybe your user name Tenacious says alot about youTenacious. That is so often what we have to be in the modern 21st Century pressure driven world we inhabit. It is a question of whether you stay or go and you have to pay some price either way.
Do the best you can in any situation on a daily basis. That is all anyone can do.
Dawn.

I had a partner like this. He ruined a lovely holiday by giving me the silent treatment for the whole week we were away. He wouldn't make eye contact and wouldn't answer when I asked what was wrong. We had not even had an argument. We were not living together and when we drove home (in silence) he pulled up outside my house, dumped my suitcase and drove off.

This was not the first time he'd been like this - I had had 2 years of it.

Two days after we got back from holiday, he professed surprise that I had dumped him (via email as he wouldn't speak).

Yes .... it is definitely passive aggressive.