I miss my DiL

I have an absolutely amazing relationship with my sons ex partner, the mother of his children. I would do anything to help her and vice versa, just because her and my son aren't together anymore doesn't mean the end of my relationship with her and my DGC! It was especially funny when I took her and the children and her new partner on holiday...!! We are so close, everyone thought she was my daughter! I'm truly blessed to have her.

Yes, my son and his wife parted about ten years ago. My daughter in law has a very busy job with plenty of overseas travel. I was SO close to my grandson who is now 17. I am in (very friendly) communication with my daughter in law and occasionally see my grandson but we have definitely grown apart. Sometimes I am so sad and also look back on happier times but I do accept that I am not in control of the situation there is no bad feeling but they just have such busy lives whereas I now live alone since my husband died and I retired. I work hard to make sure my life is fulfilling too and welcome any contact with them.

When my ex cheated on me, my ex mil and sil cut me and our children out of their lives. We were devastated my sil had been more like a sister to me. My ex fil visited us on a few occasions till mil found out! When my ex eventually came to take the kids our he took them to visit his parents and she had cut me out of all the pictures, so as not to offend his new partner! I now have a lovely mil, so really glad he was caught cheating!

I have often thought about this one after what happened to a friend of mine. She has three sons all of whom cheated on their wives. She at the time had seven grandchildren (only the younger son had no children,)

She loved her daughter-in-laws( after all two of them were the mothers of her grandchildren) but she was banned from seeing them by her sons! Her sons kind of work from home - offices etc in the grounds of Mum's house. They are there five days a week.

She used to meet the DILs in secret for lunch and the like. So she had to sneak round. When one of her DILs remarried she was invited to t he Wedding- again she was banned from going. Go to the Wedding and we will have nothing more to do with you! She just went to watch the Wedding. We tell her that they are bullies but she says they are good to me and look after me (her husband was killed in an accident over twenty years ago.)

Two of her sons sons have grandchildren now and one of them even tried to ban his ex wife from his grandson's christening! Fortunately, his son stood up for his Mum

Yes I love my DIl and she is the mother of my grandchildren and if anything ever happened in their marriage I would hope that we could still have a relationship.

So please keep in touch with her.

Don't know how long it's been but she may be still hurting and just as you miss her she may miss the family she once had so much that she is unable to meet you just now. Give it time, send cards etc and one day when she has healed enough she may agree to meet you.

Get in touch. Most divorced women feel that their in-laws blame them for the split. Let her know that you don't blame her for the divorce, that you miss her and hope you still can be friends.

I have a good relationship with my SIL that was. We lost my daughter 9 years ago. He is now married to a lovely lady who is a great Stepmum to my two granddaughters. They live 300 miles away so I rarely see them,There were some marriage problems before we lost my daughter,so he could have been difficult with me,although not my fault. Luckily this isn’t the case.

I stayed in contact with xdil (no children in the marriage) as I loved her very much. Son had no problem with it but dil2 did and constantly tried to bully me into cutting contact. I refused and state xdil is now put in my 'friend' status and as such is nobody else's business. I understand dil2's insecurities and jealousy and try to re-assure but I will not end friendship with xdil on this basis.

I have been in your position. I first met elder son's wife when she was 16.- they did not get married until they were in their late 20s. & separated after 11 years of marriage having had 3 children.
I really loved her & I was devastated by the split. His fault entirely.
However they managed to stay on very good terms & I still see her. they live about 30 mins away so I have the children to stay a lot- well not so much now as eldest is 14 but I kept contact all the time. I buy her birthday & Christmas persents & we still get in really well.
It can be done. It does help that she & my son have put their differences aside for the children & they both have new partners although not living with them.
Ring her & ask her to call you when she has time for a coffee. Don't be afraid to tell her you miss her she probably misses you too. She can only say no.
Good luck- I do hope it works out.

Is your son loving and attentive to you? Do you feel you'd have too much to lose if your son turned against you for keeping in touch with his ex? Could you actually ask him how he'd feel about it? Lots of families cope with these extended relationships. I am still in touch with my grandson's mother, but in my case I had nothing to lose anyway since my son is estranged other than two brief "thanks." texts a year when I send him his birthday and xmas gifts.

my ex mil remained on very good terms with me, when her son left me with 3 small chilldren and went off with someone else. I was always very grateful for the contact, and made a point of inviting her round to see her grand-children whenever I could. She even came to my wedding when I remarried! So, for your both your sakes, I hope you can remain in touch with your dil.

I could have written the OP myself. I don't live close enough to see DiL often but she still calls me her MiL and keeps in touch with news about the GC. I wished she could have been with the family for our Easter Day get-together, but both she and my DS are in new relationships and my DS was there with his new partner whom I like very much, but she isn't my DiL.

Keep in touch, good relationships are hard to find and you are still grandma to the children. It will make it easier in the future to still be part of their lives if you have a good relationship with their mum. I miss my late ex-mother in law

Why can’t you invite her and the children for Sunday lunch.? My ex had a rather public affair which ended our marriage but my mother in law and I still saw each other for meals, trips out etc. Many years later when she died my ex thanked me for not losing contact with. He said it had meant an awful lot to her.

Get in touch with her there is no reason you can’t still have a friendship with her.

Why don’t you contact her and say exactly what you have told us. Sounds like your son was an idiot.

It's great to read so much praise for our lovely daughters in law.

I’m very soon going to be in this sad situation.... my daughter and husband are splitting after 12 years. I love him very much and he has no parents now and his only sister lives 300 miles away. This Easter passed I sent my daughter and son in law a joint text message inviting everybody for Sunday lunch and they both answered in the affirmative . A great day was had by all.... especially the kids... oh and he cooked the lamb and brought it with him . I did all the veg and puds. He’s such a good cook. Anyway, what I’m trying to say is there is no reason not to stay in touch with your daughter in law... I will continue to see my SIL... and my daughter agrees. These things can be worked out. Also I promised his mum when she was dying that I would treat him as one of my own .... and I always will.

Don't lose touch with her. What a wonderful mil you are - unlike mine who dumped me as did my first husband.

Have chats, meet up, do what you want to do. It must be so good to have a dil who is also a friend. Xx

Golly, I don't know if we could untangle the family dynamics if my son and daughter-in-law ever broke up (so it's never going to happen). I'm good friends with daughter-in-law's mother and I work very closely with her step-father. Also, my younger son went to school with, and is a good friend of, my daughter-in-law's brother.

I'm glad that you've been able to continue the relationship BabyLayla, but I suppose it's inevitable that you won't see quite so much of your daughter-in-law as you'd both like. Seems like she knows you care and that's all that really matters.

Definitely an idiot ( I’ve even bumped into friends of his who agree) however he is my son and I love him although I don’t like his behaviour very much.

I’ve felt much better for posting, Thankyou all for listening and responding.
I did text earlier inviting her to dinner but had no reply, she’s possibly working but I had text chat with a GC so cheered me up.
I will always be there for her and so hope she starts dating and meets someone wonderful, she deserves to be valued,

Where there are grandchildren, I have, in the past, kept in touch, through cards and presents for all at Christmas and birthday presents and cards for the children; light Facebook contact and the occasional phone call and meeting. I accept that there will be little, if any, acknowledgment of these attempts and that arrangements made may be broken through lack of commitment. I struggle at times when parcels are returned because the ex had not bothered to collect them from the post office. I do it so that the children know we care and because we (had) liked the ex....who it their parent after all...

is

I had an amazing relationship with my ex mil, when I left her son, she invited me and my young son to live with her, which we did for 6 months until we got on our feet. We remained close for the next 29 years until she died of cancer 2 years ago. I sat with her just before she died and the last thing we said was that we loved each other. I miss her every day. I hope you are able to maintain your dil’s friendship BabyLayla

"When my ex eventually came to take the kids our he took them to visit his parents and she had cut me out of all the pictures, so as not to offend his new partner!"

Linsylou, I get that this may have hurt you, but I think it's understandable. Your XMIL needed to focus on her relationship w/ her DS and his new partner and make sure she didn't offend her. Having pix of his X around her home would not be the way to go. Perhaps it would have been better if she put the pix away, even if it meant not having any pix of your GC around for a while? But she probably didn't want to do that.
Do you have pix around of your X or XMIL for your new DH to see? I bet not. Divorce is bound to bring changes, both big and small, and some unexpected. Removing pix is very likely to be one of them.

I guess I relate to this issue especially b/c when I married my DH, apparently, MIL threw away all the pix of his X that they had in the house. DH was angry b/c he felt it was part of his personal history, and I get that - but I loved her for it! MIL and I had our issues over the years, but I was grateful to her for that one gesture.