Sooo the other wife!

Hmm.. they may have agreed that their marriage is over but they could still be friends. If this is the case and the ex uses the former shared home as a base I can see why things are as they are. Does she still have a share in the house??
BUT if chap wants a new relationship he is going to have to make the friendship with his ex much more long distance than it appears to be. Anyone remember Blithe Spirit? Except this ex is not dead or a ghost!

Doesn’t anyone think it odd that the lady is sneakily looking at his phone texts? He is being open about his ex, she is being underhand.

Funny how this situation can be boiled down the that old chestnut....the bloke has his cake and eats it....and a couple of women....or maybe more let him! Its a silly sad old cliché .....walk away!

Personally, I couldn't be with anyone who has (or had) such complications

When I got together with my lovely OH about 10 years ago he was still a bit entangled with his ex (they'd been apart about 10 years by then) but she had a key and came round and did her washing at his and left and picked up her dogs whenever she wanted.
I found it really hard to deal with and as our relationship deepened I began to say that it wasn't ok with me. Particular after coming downstairs one day in my underwear and encountering her putting some washing in!!! That was the last straw.
M0nica is absolutely right up there, there IS still an emotional connection. And to go forwards I think that needs to be sorted.
Luckily my OH felt that our relationship was important enough for him to deal with that old habitual hanging round ex and he put very clear boundaries in. He hadn't seen any need for them up til then.
Unfortunately the ex had a very extreme reaction to those boundaries, crying, screaming etc. very difficult for him but he stuck it out and asked for the key back and after that she did try it on a few times but he was calm & eventually she did just go away. I believe it was better for both of them in the end.
If your friend's new chap values his relationship with her and she can clearly state her feelings and he respects them, a way through will be found.
If he doesn't sort out those boundaries then it's a clear message about where his priorities lie.
Good luck to your friend!

Oh wow! I've just been posting about another 'not losing touch' subject.

This is slightly different though. It is a new relationship and I think your lovely friend should just hold back a little and see where it leads? Maybe the guy simply hasn't bothered removing all his ex's stuff because of several reasons
A) He is hoping she will come back
B) He is lazy and hasn't got round to it
C) Doesn't really want to get into another serious relationship anyway.

What (I think) I would do is stop going round to his house for time being. Meet up socially - see how it all pans out after all your friend may decide when she knows him better he is not for her!

If things progress and she feels there is a future THEN she can go round to his house and suggest he removes all evidence of his ex?

At the moment, I am unsure just how serious this relationship is from either parties.

Let us know the outcome Glamdram!!

Thank you for all your thoughts on this.
I have shown most of them to my friend.
She’s now gone on holiday with her daughter.....it was booked months ago before she met this chap. I think she has asked him that everything is removed by time she gets back!
We shall see?

Nah don’t touch him with a barge pole
Bathroom more of a signal than the clothes
(but what a lot of chaps and blokes knocking around in that story)

A friend's partner of some 30 years is a widower. His wife was deceased some 10 years. When they eventually got around to staying over at each other's homes my friend found herself looking last thing at night and first thing in the morning at deceased wife's photograph on the bedside table. Eventually she suggested that it be removed to somewhere less obvious.
The other aspect was some of her clothes were still in the wardrobe. Friend said.... it wouldn't be so bad but they were only a size 10 !! friend is an 18

Hubby did still have some of his ex's things when we first got together, BUT they had been separated for well over a year and she had not even spent the night over. The only things Hubby still had were things she hadn't wanted. Hubby actually asked me at one point before we married if I'd mind to help him clean out some of her things.

It doesn't say how long your friend has been seeing this bloke or what stage the relationship is at. So I suggest she has a chat with him where she says she feels like his wife still lives there as her belongings are everywhere and maybe he could do something about that. Then give it a couple of dates and see if anything has changed.If nothing changes I'd ask when he thinks she'll move her stuff out or is she like my Son who left an entire room full of stuff and only when pushed did he say I should just get rid of it as he didn't want it. Lots of kids do this and ex wives/gf or whatever do the same.

Hmm, he could be a typical bloke and it has not occurred to him to clear out cupboards. Your friend should tell him She is not happy with the XWife’s belongings in the house, if he does nothing about it, she should not continue the friendship and if he clears it all, he loves her

No thanks - doesn't sound like a good idea to get too involved............!

I agree with everyone else. This is an incredibly messy situation and I, personally, would want no part of it.

Hubby went on a few very casual dates with a young woman who was in a similar situation. She and her ex had a child together and he wanted to get back together with her. Hubby decided (wisely, IMO, and not just because he ended up marrying me instead ) that this was not a situation he felt comfortable pursuing. WAY too complicated and WAY too much potential for drama.

It's lovely that your friend is wanting to start dating again. That's wonderful. But I think the chap she's seeing might be Mr. Not-So-Wonderful or at least Mr. Not-So-Wonderful-Right-Now. Realistically, he needs to determine whether this thing with his ex will work out or not before he can decide to start seeing someone else.

I am sorry my post transmitted three times. No idea how this happened.

I agree with NflkDumpling and NannyJan53.

I am not saying he has to totally ignore his ex if he sees her out and about and, if they have children and grandchildren together, it is nice to be amicable but to have clothes and bathroom accessories around is odd.

I agree with NflkDumpling and NannyJan53.

I am not saying he has to totally ignore his ex if he sees her out and about and, if they have children and grandchildren together, it is nice to be amicable but to have clothes and bathroom accessories around is odd.

I agree with NflkDumpling and NannyJan53.

I am not saying he has to totally ignore his ex if he sees her out and about and, if they have children and grandchildren together, it is nice to be amicable but to have clothes and bathroom accessories around is odd.

I agree with NfkDumpling and if your friend puts up with this from the start he will see it as a green light to continue in this way.

So, unless she is happy with a relationship where she is only an option and not a priority, she needs to put her foot down now and outline the boundaries.

It sounds to me that the Ex and the New Chap both want to have their cakes and eat them too. Both sound still attached but not quite together. It depends what she wants from the relationship.

Wouldn't work for me and I'd have to speak up.

Absolute no, no, IMO. While her clothes are still in the wardrobe and her toiletries in the bathroom he is not unattached, emotionally at least.

I would cool it, but if she chooses to let the relationship run she needs to keep a sharp hold of her emotions and remember that this is a man still in thrall to his ex-wife. If the relationship gets serious, for both of them she should ask her new squeeze to tell his ex-wife that he wants all her belongings out of his house by a certain date and what action he will take if she doesn't remove them. Check whether she has a key and get that back as well.

I wouldn't want to have a serious relationship with a semi-detached partner.

Hummm sounds like ex doesn't permanently want to leave and your friends chap isn't too bothered by ex's yo-yoing in and out of his life.

I'd be bothered if it was me, but that's just me.

I guess your friend will only know if it's worth sticking around if the chap is willing to make it clear to ex she really is an ex, move things out and apart from any family situations communications aren't needed over much.

If he isn't willing to put in some clear boundaries to protect this new relationship she has to decide if she's happy to be an ongoing fill in waiting with for the ex to come back or not.

As I said it wouldn't work for me but only your friend can chose how she allows herself to be treated.

Good Luck to her anyway.

elegran