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Widowed father and friend

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Bedders24 Wed 10-Jan-18 21:17:27

I feel like an awful person writing this but could do with some advise - my mum passed away nearly 3 years ago, she and my dad were married for over 50 years and she was very ill for the last few years.

Dad started going to a bereavement group which my sister's and I were really pleased about as he was talking to people who had been through the same thing.

Recently he has become friends with another member of the group, a lady, who seems to be around a lot - she is very overpowering, a bit of a know all and acts as if she knows dad more than us. Both my sister's have been very upset and have said they will not go to my dad's if she is there, and my nephew who was very close to my dad won't go round at all in case she is there, I live further away so don't visit so often but was a bit upset when she turned up and took over when we only had a limited time together.

My dad is 78 and it is not that we don't want him to have friends but we all feel very uncomfortable when this woman is there and in fact as if we are imposing.

We are thinking of saying to him that while we are happy he has a friend we are not comfortable with her and would rather be told us if she was there so we didn't go or if he could ask her not to go round when we are there - is this selfish of us and how do we go about it without causing upset.

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Christinefrance Sun 28-Jan-18 19:22:14

Your Dad is spreading his wings a little Bedders24 be happy for him. I don't understand either why you think this is not right for him.

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Bedders24 Sun 28-Jan-18 19:22:59

My sister and her children live 5 minutes away and visit EVERY day, my other sister lives about half an hour away and visits at least three times a week, I phone twice a day and visit monthly, my children also visit- he wouldn't come and stay with me as he would not want to be away from the others, we really couldn't as a family do anything more. We have always been so close but this woman is causing a massive amount of upset, he would never go abroad with my mum. So no we do not ever leave him on his own for even a day - but if I phone and she is there he cuts the phone call short, she turns up and takes over if my sister is there, to be honest we feel pretty upset by the whole thing.

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MissAdventure Sun 28-Jan-18 19:25:55

Having doting grown up children is not the same as having someone of 'your own' I don't think.
You may feel upset, but, well, its up to your dad to live his life as he sees fit, whilst he's still able to.

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Eglantine21 Sun 28-Jan-18 19:37:31

What did he say when you decided to marry and move away to lead your own life with someone new?

Did he say your husband had caused a massive upset to the family and you were now doing things that you hadn't done before.

Or was he glad for you? And wished you happy.

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123flump Mon 29-Jan-18 17:04:17

Good point Eglantine, our children sometimes seem to think they own us. They fly the nest but we aren't supposed to want anything. Poor old chap, 78 and on his own for 3 years, I hope he enjoys himself.

OP try to be generous, you sound quite jealous that he has found someone, maybe you think it is disrespectful to your late mother but I don't think it is. It is probably because he misses your mother so much that he wants a new companion.

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