Family, what does it mean to you?

wow touched a nerve there! but thank you all for your opinions, as varied as they are. To be honest I am not that bothered about whether or not we get 'stuff', I think I just felt upset because I always thought we were close, but they obviously stick to the 'blood family members'. My husband is lovely, he understands how I feel, and he is going along with their plans because he doesn't want to upset them, nor would I want him to fall out with his siblings.
Dee - lovely to read your post, just cherish them!

When my much loved G.Aunt died we went to clear the house and clean it up ready to hand back to the council. We were shocked to see the sister of my G.Aunt and her friend going through the drawers and cupboards. This sister when G.Aunt was ill and needing care was nowhere to be seen. She never visited her sister and yet in that one week she made 3 trips, with friend, and loaded the car up with anything she thought was of value. My OH was very upset at her behaviour, very angry that she had never visited when her sister was alive not even on her Birthday. He had been managing her estate for her, paying bills etc etc. Yes, this woman was 'family' but we thought she did not deserve anything. It was like seeing G.Aunt's things being rifled by burglars.

We were not expecting anything; the only things we took were photograph albums and her certificate on becoming a Registered nurse.

Referring to whether you are 'family' or not I would say if you married in to the family then you are a member of the family.

When my Gran died my Mum thought things would go as Gran had wished as she had been very specific about who would get what - for example a pair of porcelain figures of a girl and a boy would get passed to my youngest Aunt, a tradition in the family. Dad was driving us back from the funeral and we were the last car to arrive at Gran's house. As Mum opened the front door we could hear my Aunts squabbling and two of my Uncles were in dispute as to who would take the TV (they had all paid in to buy it for Gran). The two porcelain figures just vanished. My youngest Aunt was very upset (Mum thought her eldest sister had them as she had always said she wanted them). It was horrible standing there seeing the adults all arguing, I know Gran would have been so upset with them if she had been there. When my Mum died everything went to my brother (this had been arranged for decades so was no surprise). Mum had already given me her original wedding ring (which had been bought just after the war ended and was 9ct gold, my sister had already had her second ring bought once 18ct jewellery was available again). Apart from that I had nothing. I have done the same with my children, my son has already had his half of the money from the sale of my house and I have given him various bits and pieces of his Dad's etc. My daughter will get the rest, again it shouldn't be a shock as it has been arranged since I lost my husband in 1998. Probably lucky as I don't have a lot to leave! My Will is written so that my ex son in law has no claim on any of my property, he never did anything to help me when my daughter was married to him so I don't see why he should be 'rewarded' when I die.

How rude of them you have been married to your husband for 40 years and you are part of the family. Really some people.

Although my head understood the wording of Mr C's close family wills my heart was just a little bit hurt. We hope that by talking to our family (we definitely include our daughters in law in family) there will be understanding of our thinking and approach in our wills. We haven't yet but do plan to list specific items for individuals, not because of monetary worth (there is very little) but because we believe these items would be cherished by these people. They will also be given permission to swap about or dispose of things if that is their wish. My own parents left very little so little cause for tension. The attitude of some close family to Mr C and his childhood home caused him untold distress when his mother died, we decided then to do what we could to avoid this happening to our children, their chosen partners and our grandchildren. We're not there yet, but getting closer.

My late husband and I made a will and made the solicitors Executors. We have two sons who do not get on very well together. Roy thought this the best thing to do. It is all worded who gets what. Gifts given to us now have notes on the back or underneath saying who gave it and them to be given back to that person. Makes it easy. In laws are not normally mentioned in wills because they obviously share with their partners. I have left a great deal of jewellery to my lovely daughter-in-law, she is one in a million. The antique furniture is labelled who gets what. It is best to organise before you die. I have thought about it very carefully. I have written three people out of my will because of their selfish behaviour. It isa very sad thought talking about this. I am 80 years old now and so am prepared.

You are blessed and loved

Four elderly relatives homes and estates had to be sorted out by DH and his brother and sister, helped by husband and wives. We all had equal status and we never fell out over any item, occasionally tossing a coin for something, and having a bit of fun trying to force something ghastly on someone else! All monies were divided equally between the three, except for one house , left to my sister-in-law alone. When it was sold she immediately shared the money with her brothers. I think it very sad when families are divided on these occasions. We grew closer , I think, by sharing these happy/sad tasks.

My husband's family are my family and vice versa. When his parents died - I actually did most of the work. I sorted through all their belongings, taking loads and loads to the charity shop, cleaned the house and sorted through all the hundreds of photos, sharing them out equally as well as I could. I did all the paperwork, which took hours. And I think I was appreciated by both his brothers for doing that. My husband was the executor for my parents, and again he had a lot to do. I think family is family, even extended family - you might not get on with all of them but you have to honour their decision.

In laws are not family when it comes to dividing up family property and I would not attend any meeting about that. I might suggest to my husband I would like something but leave it up to him.

Older brother took my father's medals without any discussion and even called in at my home on the way back from taking them and didn't mention it. I have no problem with him having them as they are displayed in his house and he has a great interest in the armed services. But if he dies before his wife, I shall ask her for them as my father disliked her and would not be happy knowing they were in her care. That was part of our family life.

In many European countries property is automatically inherited by the family and if my husband died I would automatically inherit his part of his parent 's property. This can get very complicated, but you can't make a will leaving all your property to who ever you want.

Our will divides everything equally between our children with a small separate bequest to our grandchildren. We assume that what our children receive will be used to benefit all their family.
When my in laws died despite 47 years of marriage to their son, i was not mentioned in the wills, and fully accepted this. which reminds me, i should ask my dh what happened to that money.... but not lost sleep, it wasnt a lot!

I would stay well away from this one. In my experience, Wills, estates, legacies etc bring out the very worst in people. It's bad enough trying to arrange a funeral and winding up the deceased's affairs let alone sorting out posessions.

Some family members can become very protective of what they perceive to be 'theirs', and perhaps feelings are running deep which could account for their usual filters breaking down.

Upsetting for you, I can see. Just put it down to the possibility that reason is a little off at this time, and just be there to support your husband. xx

It's not that you're not part of the family. This discussion, in my opinion, is really not for you to be part of. I'd say the same if I were in the same situation. I couldn't imagine how I would feel if I were having to distribute my parents belongings and my Brother in Law (who I love dearly) stuck his oar in.

My DH's cousin who is not unkind but can be a bit "grand" once said to me "oh but you're only a Broon by marriage" Turning to her, her very soft spoken but equally intimidating mother added "but so, my dear, am I".
A certain !!!

What a sensible mam! When my SIL passed on, what her friends & relatives didn't take from the house was taken by her solicitor & executor, who had been a family friend!! Funerals and wills do bring out the worst in some people!!

It touched a chord - tea-times comment about "I never felt part of my husband's family, but he is part of mine." I write this because I feel my daughter-in-law arranges everything that revolves around her family, whereas I feel like a satellite who gets fitted in after their 'demands' or requests, however you view it! On their wedding day, I told her I never shed a tear, as I was so delighted they now had each other to care for and love; it now seems they not only have each other, but her family constantly in tow and it seems her mother calls the shots. As my DIL has a brother with special needs who is constantly getting into debt on the same unsuitable purchases, his parents bail him out. MIL told DIL it would be her responsibility when they pass on to look out for her brother; I do not want my hard-earned money going to fund his behaviour if my son should pre-decease her, so feel like changing my will.
Is that so bad?

DH, like me, was an only child but had spent some time with his mother, aunt and female cousin when evacuated during the war. When my MiL died, the cousin who rarely if ever visited was asked by FiL to sort out her effects. I was quite relieved but slightly put out at the same time. When FiL died, I had to do the lot - where are husbands when you need them . When my Dad died some time after my Mum, I had a huge house to sort out. I chose to do it alone and found the week I spent sorting through piles of clothes, paperwork, effects and memories a very cathartic experience.
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I am making a rough list of who I would like to receive particular items once I am pushing up th daisies, and after that I have suggested to my daughters that they take turns divvying out the rest

I don't envy them going through my knicker drawer; all sorts of secrets hidden in there....

As you have been with your husband for many years it is up to YOUR husband to share or not share his spoils with you it's not up to the in laws to add everyone on the family tree.....
Anything I have left will go to my children and grandchildren it is up to them to include their partners I think it's unreasonable to expect anything from anyone except your immediate family ( if your lucky)
The only items I ve ever inherited was an old lady I used to look after and her family very kindly told me to choose something I liked .... I chose a picture
Never expected or received anything from in laws although we remained very good friends

You will always have this in all families and often the word ''money" will set you aside from others it's all about the pecking order in life I for one have felt this once told I wasn't blood when a discussion arose with mil and son different now when I'm the one doing the running around for her best dil in world now!!

This brings back painful memories, My husband was only thirty eight when he was killed in a motorway accident. I still visited and looked after his mother for over thirty years. She was very dear to me.When my mother-in-law died I attended the service at the crematorium. Her ashes were being interred later with her husband. I wanted to be there to say my final goodbye. I was told in no uncertain terms, by her other son, that only blood relatives could attend.The 'blood relatives' were scarce on the ground when she needed caring for. It really upset me

I think it will vary from family to family. I was totally accepted by DH's family, but when his parents died, I let him take the lead and make all the decisions about what happened to his parents estate, unless he delegated anything to me and the same when my parents died.

It is not a question of whether you are a full or associate member of the family, but parents gave birth to our partners and their parents and home form their earliest memory. Breaking up a home after is a death is a break-up and dispersal of the formative years, for most of us all this occurred before we even met our partners. In most cases family, beyond immediate very close family are also excluded from such decision making.

When DPs died, a number of friends and relative's asked for mementos of them, but even DFs siblings did not get directly involved with the dispersal of the estate.

When my lovely dad died we four sister went to his flat for the night, ordered a takeaway and had a few bottles of wine. We then went through everything in the house sharing it out. Each of us taking stuff that we were goung to keep or give to another member of the family or a charity. If you had bought him something then you had first claim. It was an emotional night of laughter, tears and do you remember, it was something my dad had asked us to do.

As long as I have their love and affection whilst they're alive I couldn't care less what, if anything, is left to me by my parents in law. We (their two sons and daughters in law) have discussed with them the practicalities of funeral arrangements, powers of attorney and various financial matters relating to trusts, but I suppose I've just assumed that they will leave everything to be shared jointly by their two sons. I don't feel I need to be left anything specifically because it's a given that anything left to my husband will also be available to me.

I was told from being widowed that dD would inherit quarter of the house, the other 3 shares to my late husbands siblings. I expected nothing and got nothing, I never got along with them despite trying , I was never good enough, so I really couldn't care less, apart from thinking that a small share would have been nice as a small pension in my old age. However I have nothing to thank them for.

I feel very lucky. My ex husbands family accepted me as one of their own. After we divorced (he left me) they still supported me, and when my MIL died, despite the fact I was remarried, I received a cheque for £5000. My second husband's family also welcomed me and my children with open arms. In turn, I have done the same to my children's partners - even my sons ex (who is the mother of his daughter and barely speaks to me!) I still consider her as part of my family, even if she doesn't! Ironically though, when my parents were alive they never did accept my ex husband. There's nowt as queer as folk!