Mother in law situation

'I think the trick is to not stand any nonsense but don't hold a grudge'. This sounds really good advice morethan2, Thankyou! My husband is very supportive especially at the moment as he realises that MIL has been very over the top in her provoking attitude.
Thanks to all for your thoughts . It has really helped me get it off my chest and put things in perspective.

Yes your justified in feeling as you do. I can remember a similar incident with my mil. I gave as good as I got. I told her straight to go home and I'd drive her. A few hours later she apologised. (she'd never done than before it was the first and only time) our 40 + year relationship rather followed the same pattern. She was often very difficult and the most cantankerous person I've ever met, but when she was snippy I'd have no hesitation in biting back. I think she quite enjoyed our short sharp fracases. Shes 86 now and has dementia. I don't regret our tiffs they were part of our relationship alongside all the love and laughs we shared. She asks for me all the time and I know she was very fond of me and trusted my judgement. I think the trick is to not stand any nonsense but don't hold a grudge. We'd have a row and then two minutes later we'd be drinking tea and chatting. Next time she calls you "she" either ignore her, or ask her if she's talking to you, better still reply " who's SHE? The cats mother"I always challenged her bad behaviour. If you talk about holidays indicate that perhaps it's not a good idea to holiday together as she obviously didn't enjoy your company last time. You don't have to carry out the threat . We can all be a bit 'passive aggressive' if we try hard enough. I do hope you can count on your husbands support. Good luck .

"Yes I think she has got fed up of me being a little goody two shoes!" - even if that is true, it does not excuse rude behaviour.

Yes it's taken me rather a long time to realise what was going on , but after about 28 years it feels a relief to have a more distant relationship in the future

Very interesting thread. Especially in light of threads on here today.

My MiL decided I wasn't good enough for her boy before we even met. I never shaped up. I tried for almost 20 years until I had a lightbulb moment and I stopped going to see her. She didn't want to see me and I had given up trying so my husband would visit her , with my blessing. He could take the girls any time he or she wanted.

It was a huge weight off my shoulders. After all she didn't pick me ..why should she love me. I jus wish I'd worked it out 19 years sooner

Suzied, I know how you feel and I don't accept that old age necessarily gives people the right to be hostile. I know plenty who are as nice as pie or maybe they're just pretending. Behind closed doors and all that.
Hopefully things will cool down with mil but if think I will stop trying so hard and get my DH to pop round from time to time rather than me. I might just do the occasional family thing like you Suzied.

Have to say that since the 'break up' I have felt so relieved, less anxious and not the least bit guilty which is telling.

Just cos you are 96 doesn't mean you can abuse people does it? And it's not just cos she's 96, she has always been horrible to me. ( and everyone else , I just refuse to put up with it) .

So if you are "old" you can be as rude and hostile as you want Jingle? ........

But ...... she's 96!!!

With my MIL I realised fairly early on that I wasn't good enough for her son and she has made that clear over the last 30 or so years that she wished he'd married his previous GF. I agree it's jealousy , and a reluctance to renounce control as the queen bee. I stopped visiting my MIL ( now 96 and even more cantankerous) a couple of years ago after , when we were hosting her to dinner as we did once or twice a week, she blew up after I said she shouldn't be rude to shop assistants ( another story) and she let me have both barrels. I then decided not to have someone in my home who verbally abused me, and now I only see her when in a family occasion when I can avoid talking to her. My OH supports me, but has to do the running around after her with his sister and not me. I would help in an emergency, obviously, but I am not willing to interact with someone who is so hostile and has never tried to apologise.

Thanks for that input J52. She does seem jealous which I find a bit surprising I suppose as she has always been seemingly perfect.
Yes I certainly did snarl back, as I said I have very red hair.
I think we probably need a cooling off period and maybe see them for the odd meet up occasionally. Unfortunately we have recently moved to their town and have spent way too much time together...
DH is also fed up of if so not just me

Snarl back.

My MIL behaved in a very similar way, calling her DILs 'the women my sons married'!
She also thought that everything we had was courtesy of her son, via her!

Although it is annoying I realised over time, that it was better to keep a perspective on it and smile graciously! DH was often furious with her.

I did blow up one one occasion and this resulted in a lot of bad feeling and got me nowhere.in my opinion itis a kind of personality defect and jealousy.

Yes I think she has got fed up of me being a little goody two shoes!

Apoart from that, lock yer bedroom door when you stay at theirs.

"unfortunately it was over Brexit but that is irrelevant"

Nooo... I don't think it would have been irrelevant!

I wouldn't be too hasty to put it down to dementia. We do become less tolerant as we get older. (speaking for myself!)

Are yu sure she hasn't just got fed up with you being a little goody-two-shoes?

Could it be the start of Dementia sounds very odd if its new behaviour..