Regrets about being estranged from people..

Internet etiquette goes back a long way Fairydoll. You don't seem to be familiar with it. One of the rules that I remember was never to overide an original post for your own agenda.

There is a support thread that you contribute to (and most other posters avoid) that should suit your needs.

This thread is helpful for people like myself, who have read it and wondered if a reconciliation could work. It is a thought provoking thread, not a support thread. Please understand that I am not getting at you, nor is anyone else. It is just that a thread like this is worthwhile if allowed to continue without the type of posts on the estranged thread that tend to go round in circles.

Anya forgot to say (I always do!)

Last Saturday you posted 'so many sad stories, but what a supportive thread.

It was, so what happened?

I'm not trying to police anything. I'm just fed up with the victim mentality that is emerging and the name calling.

You cannot for example say in one post that 'MC is free to make' certain observations and then say you find it 'unpleasant and designed to be nasty' .....that is contradicting yourself and is illogical.

I'm quite at liberty to say what I want and pass comment on this thread do let's not go dien that old chestnut of policing the content, just because I've said something you don't want to hear.

Anya. You post some good comments, but it seems like you are now attempting to police the style of the thread. It goes where it goes. Ok, it's not a support thread but there are some personal and not very nice comments now appearing. For example, why was it necessary to point out to Rhinestone that her step GC were not her GC? (Post by MC). I'm sure she is well aware of the non-biological relationships in her family! It was also felt necessary to point out that she was estranged from her own son. So MC is free to make that observation but, personally, I think it's very unpleasant and designed to be nasty - there's no other explanation. If Rhinestone retaliates, then doubtless further contentious comments will appear.

As I said - can we just Let It Be, please

This is not the support thread repeat, this us not the support thread.

This thread is sbout those who have regrets about being estranged from people, or possibly not. There have been some very honest and positive posts and some very sad. It is not a thread to moan about other posters.

No one is derailing this thread

Rosyglow

I find it very strange that those with the most to say about threads being derailed are the very ones doing the derailing, by constantly telling others what they should and shouldn't post.

Madamecholet

I agree this thread has become rather 'muddied' but I was responding to your judgemental comments.

In a perfect world, where friends gently point out 'there may be another way' and we take their advice on board, there would be no need for threads like this. It's a kind of text book view point you put across, but people get very emotional about estrangements and use threads like this to express their regret or bewilderment.

Isn't it better to express these sentiments on GN than to stew silently about them?
Like I said, it's cathartic, so Let It Be...

Redheadedmommy, you have asked a question that is very pertinent to this thread. I can only tell you what I would do. If by standing back and remembering the situation years later and finding that the bullying now seems less than it did at the time, I would persist with getting together and keeping off the subject. Talk about anything else because they will refuse to consider your viewpoint. After all, they have done nothing wrong.

If the bullying etc still seems as bad as it did when you remember it with no exaggeration well I would stay away totally.

How do you think you would be received if you did go back?

But, Fairydoll, this is not the support thread. There don’t seem to be any problems on the support thread at the moment and I can’t understand why you want to resurrect disputes from a previous thread that was deleted. It is unfair to everyone else who is trying to keep this thread on track.

I am interested in what you say about how friends behave and we certainly have different views on this. Among my friends, if one of us is upset about something someone else has said or done, our response is always to try to defuse the situation by suggesting there may be another way of looking at it or that perhaps the person didn’t mean it in the way it was being interpreted, as we feel that encouraging someone’s sense of grievance is not what friendship is about and usually makes the situation worse.

Sorry you think I seem bitter - my true character is clearly not coming through!

madamecholet

A little postscript....

Your message to Rhinestone. Of course she would post her version. Who else's version would she post?

I have to say that you seem a little bitter yourself - it really does come across like that....almost as if you're batting things away from yourself. Self protection, maybe?
Hope I'm wrong. I stand to be corrected, of course....

Madamecholet

It may not be your intention, but reading your posts on this thread and the other, now defunct, support thread you seem almost determined to 'judge'. You made a sweeping statement regarding children from happy families not needing to seek out their grandparents. On what basis do you make that contention? Based on my experience that is simply not true

Yes of course people post about private family matters which concern them. For the most part posters remain anonymous and it is cathartic for them to say exactly what is in their heart and what bothers them . What is wrong with that? The fact that you don't know 'the other side' is neither here nor there.

When confiding to a friend, you would not expect the friend to say, 'I need to hear the other side of the story before I can comfort you.' You wouldn't feel the need to justify everything you confided.

The Support thread that ran to thousands of posts had to be deleted due to posters who, I'm guessing (yes, JUST guessing) had most likely been the ones to instigate an estrangement and were seeking to justify it by turning the blame on the GP's who posted there. It really did seem like that. And then there were the posters who were so happy with their lot that they felt they needed to stir things up on the thread and cause a bit of controversy by winding up the regular posters.

IMO, a support thread is meant to be non-judgemental and 'supportive'. Please, please let it stay that way.

When you are the person who has 'cut someone out' which is a horrible phrase, you always get people who assume we are jealous or, have mental health problems, or want to control situations.

Honestly we just wanted a quiet life. When you feel bullied, disrespected and put down by the same person for years something will snap, somethings got to give. When that same person sees nothing wrong with what they are doing, where do you go from there? If you can't communicate what happens then?

I don't know why Anya but it seems that the subject of estrangement cannot be discussed without bitterness being present. All too often it seems to be less with what is being said and more to do with the way it is.

I think this is getting rather bitter which is a shame as this thread started off so well.

Please let's not assume that people 'want to judge and be mean'. As I said in an earlier post there are two different points of view at work here and so people are coming at the problem from one of two standpoints.

Those who have cut someone out of their lives usually think they have good reasons for doing so. Rightly or wrongly.

Those who are at the receiving end of being cut out are often quite confused as to why they have been treated like this. Some may not have deserved this treatment while others may have brought it on themselves - without understanding why.

So no one is being deliberately 'mean' they are simply looking at this from a different place.

Yes, you're right Maggiemaybe that is a big decision for one person to make when it has consequences for so many. It's ridiculous to assume that children who have happy childhoods will have no need to know grandparents they've been taken away from.

It's not just the grandparents they lose out on either, in many cases they become detached from an entire family. At some point questions will be asked and answers will need to be supplied.

LuckylegsYou are absolutely correct. I should NOT have responded to *Madamecholet*Whoever that person is seems to want to be the One who says mean things on this thread and the other that we post on. Some people don't want to listen. They just want to judge and be mean.

I agree with you, Fairydoll, and would also dispute Madamecholet's view that someone with a happy childhood will not need contact with estranged grandparents.

My mother would never speak about her parents, as she'd cut off contact in her late teens, before I was born. I loved my mother dearly, but she was a stubborn woman and I'll never know whose "fault" this was. I haven't even seen a photo of them, and would dearly love to have had at least that. Consequently neither my sister or I, none of my children, nieces, or their children, and so on ad infinitum, will know anything about this branch of our family. That's a big call for one person to make on behalf of us all.

“Before you judge me missy be sure to hear the facts”. What we have heard may not actually be the facts, Rhinestone, it is your version of a family disputes that IMO would be better kept private. You sound very angry with life and seem to react strongly when someone questions you and I wonder if this is how you deal with other family members. As for calling me “missy” – what is that all about?

Luckylegs, you complain about a lack of support, but you already post on a “support” thread where you are all being left alone to sympathise with each other. Until recently this “regrets” thread has been a courteous discussion where posters have been able to express various different points of view, including posts from those who have estranged themselves and others who have been cut off. There are always two sides to a story and it has been interesting and informative to hear both points of view. Calling someone judgemental and negative because they express a perfectly valid opinion is not constructive and adds nothing to the discussion.

I hope your sister responds Pollengran it's small comfort I know, but at least you'll know you tried.

I posted on this thread several pages ago and said that I'd always regret our estrangement from our son, my biggest regret being that our love for him wasn't enough to bring him back to us.

We have tried but to no avail. He wanted space, we gave it to him; he needed time, we gave him that too but that was seen as our abandonment of him. Despite being so desperate to see our GC when he was just a baby, we held back for fear of being too pushy as that was one of the things we'd been accused of. That was then taken as our lack of interest in our GS. Heads we lost, tails we lost.

I did something on Sunday that I'd always felt sure I'd regret if I ever did it; I emailed our ES and goodbye. I told him that he always was and always would be loved and that as heartbreaking as it was, I believed the time had come to say goodbye.

I regret and always will, the need to say it but I'm glad that I have. For the first time in 4 years I no longer feel weighted down by our estrangement and everything that entails.

In a matter of weeks we'll be moving from our home of 28 years, in the village we've lived in for 30. Living 350 yards from them has been a nightmare. Physically moving away and saying goodbye has set me free to move forward and hopefully find some peace.

I hope it sets him free too.

Blimey, go, that's a daft thing to say. Good job the legal system doesn't work like that.

People can judge because we only hear 1 side of the problem.

Rhinestone, you shouldn't have to reply to this person with an explanation. What you need, like all of us is support. How someone can judge without knowing the facts I don't know, but your not asking for judgement. If you didn't care, and was selfish, thinking you had all the answers, you would not be posting on here. I am afraid I responded to a post by this person, which I now regret, I usually just ignore the judgemental, negative people.
? To everyone.

Here we go again Madamecholet. Maybe I can clear things up for you.
I have a stepson that I have had a very good relationship with since he was fourteen.He married and had two children. He baca me self serving and selfish with an attitude of entitlement.We took care of his grandparents until the day they died. He saw them twice a year and never helped us with anything, but he found time by the grace of these grandparents to use their cottage on the lake when it suited him. They did not leave in the cottage. We babysat for three years every week picking up their child twenty minutes away and returning him thirty minutes away. Neither parent would pick up their child from our house. All we did was take care of three elderly parents and babysit his son and the other two grandchildren. He and his wife had ten weeks off every summer. We live twenty miles away but they never visited us. We did all the work, taking them out to eat, giving them money and free childcare. When their second child came my father in law was very ill. We could not babysit every week. It was too much. They had two unmarried non working mothers to help them. At one time we had three parents in three different hospitals. We were exhausted as my daughter had no one but me to help her and I was doing that. One night we went out to dinner and my stepson would t talk to his dad. We pretended not to know. The next day his wife said in an email that her boys deserved a better grandfather. Why? We don't know? We have tried to find out with calls, texts and emails and there is no response. And there wasn't even an argument. So that is why I don't care about them anymore. And Madame I have the right to feel that way. Why care about someone who doesn't care about you?
As far as my son is concerned he estranged himself from the family saying " its not us , it's him "whatever that means. So before you judge me missy be sure to hear the facts.