looking for insight - telling parents when 20 weeks pregnant, likely bad reaction

Anya - I don't normally lie in difficult situations!

The issue at hand is that my parents delegitimize everything I say and refuse to respond reasonably to perfectly reasonable requests. Also that my mother values perceived social expectations over pretty much everything else, and acts on a whim to respond to those rather than responding to reality. So they're not likely to respond rationally to any requests to leave us alone if they get into their heads the idea that they're going to visit around the time of the birth. Under those corcumstances, I am left with the choice of escalating, or getting round the situation a different way. Generally, little contact and vagueness about details tends to be what works. That is effectively lying by omission, but it has the great advantage that things then don't escalate into vicious rows full of the kind of corrosive criticism that my parents specialize in.

I agree about standing up for the baby - I'm just trying to do it in the least stressful way possible.

The only person who needs to know when you go into labour is your husband. Just don't be free with information. If no-one knows when or where you give birth, they can't be there. Seems simple enough to me.

Beats me why mothers ask to be there anyway. It's the prerogative of the pregnant woman to decide who, if anyone other than the midwife and the baby's dad, she wants to be present when her baby is born.

I think you need to take charge of your life more. I don't mean that in an unkind way, it's just that people seem to have pushed you around far too much. Take care and good luck.

Thanks Grannyknot.

I totally agree that such people really shouldn't have such influence - but I guess many of us spend much of our adult life trying not to be a product of our past.

Thankfully it's incredibly unlikely that our families will see this as they're not in the UK and don't do social media kind of stuff.

That sounded harsher than I intended....

But the bit about having your baby to stand up for is what you need to hang on to, and less talk of tipping over into a depression.

Why lie? Is that how you usually deal with situations you fnd difficult?

luckylegs is spot on. Stop being such a victim and just tell them straight FFS you are a grown woman, with a career and a baby to stand up for.

Just do it.

LuckyLegs9 - well said. It's what I intend to do, to the extent possible - and certainly won't be being a victim in front of my child if I can help it. I do recognise that I might tip over into depression at any point, so need to be prepared - and that preparation is kind of why I posted on here - trying to work out strategies in advance so I don't spend tons of time worrying rather than getting on with life.

Hi erdosrenyi congratulations on your pregnancy.

It sounds to me as if you have the measure of the matter, and know what you want to do, and so all you need from us is support.

If anything, I think you've spent enough time on working this out and I'd just make the announcement and get on with my life. It's quite unbelievable that such toxic parents and their tennis friends can have so much influence. I'm surprised that some in their circle don't see through someone who is a past master at the tinkly laugh. If these were "my people", I'd change that.

Just be aware that these are public forums and discussions are often linked to the Gransnet Facebook page.

All the best to your soon-to-be new family unit.

sorry - that would be "getting it wrong" by 3+ weeks, not 2. Could be entirely plausible though, a 36-weeker doesn't look *that different from a 40-weeker if he/she is big & bonny - and I'm assuming that people aren't going to be obsessed with precisely when the due date actually was, a few years down the line.

Send them an e mail. Don't be a victim, your life, your baby. I would not want them in my life, it's not often I say that about parents. You wanted this child, so make sure it is bought up in a happy home.

ah aggie... hmm... I have been considering being rather vague or possibly lying about the due date! If I "get it wrong" by 2 weeks then we might be able to say "oh maybe visit after Christmas instead, the child might not be here by Christmas if it's late" which would actually give us a good 5-6 weeks' grace at least...

Don't.t tell them your due date ! Ring them after the birth maybe a week later ?

For your own sanity you need to have a good outburst on your own in a corner about the whole situation. Then pick yourself up, walk away, and get on with allowing lots of positive vibes regarding your future life as a mother fill your days.

Jane10 - if I call them out on their criticisms/rudeness in front of other people, such as saying politely "sorry, but that's not actually true" or "sorry, I don't think that's really an acceptable thing to say" or "sorry but I don't think you have any evidence for that" they will always laugh and maintain I'm terribly oversensitive and chippy, can't take any form of gentle teasing, can't take criticism, always have to be right, etc. They often do that in a very socially "nice" way, maintaing the upper hand by being very cool and funny. My mother is a past master at the tinkly little laugh.

However if I call them out when it's just me and them, they'll defend their criticism, tell me I'm a bloody idiot/ worthless/ stupid/ ugly graceless brat who has never achieved anything of use, etc.

Many of my father's ex-colleagues who used to know me have dropped my parents socially, and at least two of them have said that they find my parents' treatment of me extremely ugly to watch. One of those couples now makes an effort to see me and DH socially without my parents being involved.

My parents' friends are now almost exclusively relatives or friends of my mother's who I don't really know. My PIL don't really like my parents, fairly obviously, but see it as the done thing to maintain civil social ties with them.

Provided I can keep on top of depression and keep looking at my parents' responses in a rational light, I should be OK. Fingers crossed.

Congratulations on your pregnancy ,my thought is that you sound so self aware.Although my mother was not overtly unkind she always ran me down .It made me determined to be different .And now as,a,grandparent I'm trying to support my daughter as much I can .

Absent - you're totally right about stress being bad. As I think going no contact would actually be too complicated (see above re social stuff between DH's and my families) I hope to manage it by having as little contact as possible with my parents and sister, putting what they say to one side and not taking it to heart, etc - and by putting more effort into the relationship with DH's parents and sister!

Paola - we'll try to have as normal a relationship with DH's family as possible. Inevitably if they are made to feel welcome and mine are not, there will be some fallout, but we hope we can deal with that together.

I don't really have a relationship with my sister - she has swallowed my mother's line about me completely, sees me as an embarrassment, tells her young daughter that I'm strange, etc. Niece now wants little to do with me and DH, other than to get presents from us. BIL likewise has nothing to do with us, makes digs about me being socially incompetent and a bad cook and not leading a normal person's life, etc. As per my parents, I maintain a polite veneer of contact when we visit their city, email them a few times a year, and otherwise try to have as little to do with them as possible.

As for time round the birth - we'll just have to hope that our suggestions of later visits are taken on board, andthat if they're not, then that the hospital can lock my family out of the ward (they do that all the time) and my midwife can scare my family away from social visits once we are home. Midwife is fairly encouraging about knowing how to manage "difficult" relatives bombarding weepy new parents!

I wish you could relax and enjoy your hard won pregnancy and didn't worry about your parents.
Maybe they think they're being somehow funny and their attitude to you and your undoubted successes is a cover, a sort of inverted pride? Maybe they're just horrible people and not worth your concern. Its interesting that they seem to have nice friends though (your in laws)
Whatever -good luck with it all!

If these were my parents I would actually send them a separate email, asking them to stay away during your pregnancy as you wish it to be stress free. I'd not reply to any abusive reply they are likely to send either.

I wish you a happy pregnancy and a safe delivery.

Weathering storms has never been my strong point - I tend ot descend into mute depression and suicidal thoughts, and the only way out is usually to remove myself from whatever the situation is - this will be the first time I've had to stay right in the middle of the storm, and where being stressed about things is precisely the wrong thing to do.

Stress in pregnancy is extremely bad for both mother and baby. Removing yourself from the situation – destructive parents – is you best option rather than staying right in the middle of the storm.

Oh dear that must be horrible to live with! I wonder if you can confide in your in-laws. Do you live far away from your parents? I hope it's very, very far...

What is your relationship with your sister?

As for the actual birth, if your mother, for whatever reason, decides she wants to be there for the birth, I would simply say firmly that you want no-one except your husband around (I get on well with both my daughters but was instructed to arrive a day after the birth for the first two, and before for the third as they were abtoad and I was needed to look after big brother). I have a niece who took bookings for visits after her kids were born...my parents didn't get to see their great-grandchildren for several months (though relationships are good) and thought the niece was weird. I was filled with admiration that she had the guts to do what she wanted, rather than what was expected.

Focus on yourself and your wonderful pregnancy...forget about who you may offend. This is about you.

What suzie said. I wouldn't keep in touch with such 'bloody' people. You are not morally obliged to tell anyone about your pregnancy. It's entirely up to you who you tell, if anyone. Unless your inlaws socialise with your parents I don't see why them knowing and your parents not knowing matters.

Thankyou all for your understanding! I was expecting to get a bit of a pasting on here.

I fully intend to be kind, uncritical, supportive, provide useful guidance to my child and try to get to know him or her as an individual - rather than as a disappointment.

Suzied I maintained a relationship with them for many years because I thought I was the problem, not them. By the time I realised that a lot of it was down to their own hang-ups, I knew DH and his parents knew mine well, and our sisters also know each other well (though DH's sister thinks mine is bonkers - unsurprisingly!) - and it seems just too difficult to walk out of my family's lives altogether. So we just maintain very distant contact, and visit politely when we're in the same country. My mother occasionally has a rant at me about how she doesn't see enough of us (only ever in front of her friends though - she's far more concerned about what they might think, than about why they might think it) - but I think we all know that more contact isn't a good idea. DH's parents maintain social contact with mine, but DH's mum in particular knows well that my relationship with my family is not good, so doesn't really push the social contact when DH and I are in town.

The fact that your mother didn't bond with you is not your fault, it is HERS ! She sounds a completely unnatural mother and an absolute nightmare. Well done you for everything you've achieved in the past, how dare she and your father be so awful about everything. Many congratulations on your pregnancy you've found to your cost nature doesn't always go to plan. I think I would have cut these parents off years ago and I speak as someone who was estranged from her parents for many years.

Do enjoy the rest of your pregnancy and your baby when it is born, you will be a lovely mother just because your mother wasn't /isn't and you'll want to be different from her. Tell her when you have to preferably in a distant way and if she says anything say well as you're not interested you don't have to ever visit that'll be fine. Do you want her to say the same things to your child as she's said to you? Maybe this is your chance to get out of this situation? I wish you loads of luck, just because they are your parents you don't have to love/like them or put up with such behaviour

These folks sound ghastly - why are you bothering to maintain contact with them if they are causing you so much grief? A card/ email should suffice. They probably won't like that , but it sounds as if they won't like anything, so,accept that and move on would be my advice.

thanks absent. I guess we'll just write a mass email to family, and follow it up straight away with a phonecall to DH's parents - the night before DH's parents arrive at our place. Then everyone has been told at the same time.

Weathering storms has never been my strong point - I tend ot descend into mute depression and suicidal thoughts, and the only way out is usually to remove myself from whatever the situation is - this will be the first time I've had to stay right in the middle of the storm, and where being stressed about things is precisely the wrong thing to do.

However and whenever you tell them it seems that they are not very likely to rejoice in the news of an impending grandchild. Perhaps you should write them a short note informing them and leave it at that. I certainly wouldn't telephone or tell them face to face if they are going to run true to the form you have described.

Far more important is for you to ignore their probable negative attitude and enjoy the remaining weeks of your pregnancy and the first weeks of motherhood, especially as these have been so hard to achieve.

A good wishes.