unfaithful husband

Thank you. I shouldn't take it out on others.

Sorry to hear that wot

No, sorry. . I've just had bad news.

How do you know wot? We know nothing about him and how this has come about, do we?

Dirty sod

Ladies, I cannot thank you enough for all your comments, advice and very occasionally harsh words. You have no idea how much you have helped me. It would take far too long to tell you the why's and wherefore's, how I found out, etc. etc. of this sorry story. And really there's no need for me to tell you because we would go on and on and on talking about it. It's been enough for me now, I am going to get on with my life, live it to the full and enjoy every minutes of it (as much as I can). Next time I have a glass of wine, I'll toast you all for being there and supporting me. Cheers

I wonder of the OP would feel better or worse if he visited prostitutes and paid for his fun?

At least a prostitute does not want him - only his money.
The 'contract' entered into by a prostitute and her client is clear.

This, on the other hand is not as we don't know the details i.e. Does he love the other woman? Is he likely to up and leave his wife? When they married 14 years ago was sex on the cards or was it only for companionship?

And once again I say how wicked of him to allow the OP to find out.

I'm sure some women whose husbands visit prostitutes do know though and choose to turn a blind eye since it takes the heat off them as regards having sex.
At least they know he's not going to run off with his 'lady of the night', not at eighty anyway, and I think their main concern would be that he doesn't die 'on the job' EEK!

Apologies for the crudeness

We really are from different plants aren't we

All I can say cc as a pensioner (retired 10 years), living independently, is perhaps. But when you don't have a lot of time left you shouldn't waste it

trisher I suggest that a woman of 74 has self-respect created in a different era from today and on a different basis. To suggest that OP should share your outlook is unrealistic and your post is cruel. As a pensioner (probably retired for 10 to 15 years) she is in a more vulnerable position than a young wife woman might be, with their opportunities start their life afresh and earn their own living.

I know, but sometimes it has to be done and those women survive and become stronger. They build independent lives and have self confidence and self respect. If they enter into new relationships it is as an equal partner not as an inferior who expects to be kept. Surely something we should all aspire to in the 21st century.

Very nasty trisher

I don't understand why you feel so betrayed, he's being unfaithful, you think he is a meal ticket, you deserve each other! Women have walked out of marriages with young children and nothing but the clothes on their back. You at least would have a pension.

vampirequeen, good post

vampirequeen very good post.

Vampirequeen, what a sensible post.

Tit for tat isn't the answer. Nor is leaving him. Wonder what stories he's telling her about how his wife doesn't understand him or that he'll leave you for her etc. To me physical infidelity isn't necessarily more than just a "grass is always greener" feeling. Certainly insist that if he is going to be socially active, you equally need "me time", seeing friends, taking up new interests etc. And I agree that in this day and age you need some financial independence, even if it's just a basic bank account in your name with the agreement that he pays in a nominal sum, say £25 weekly, from your joint pension (if you don't have money of your own, he will doubtless be getting extra money for your needs, so this is only fair). My pension goes into my own account and I transfer weekly a nominal sum into our joint account from which all household expenses are paid. DS pays a weekly sum in cash for his keep, which is DH's own money - no questions asked. Good luck

If the affair has been going on for a couple of years it's unlikely that he's even thought about leaving you. When I was on a dating site I got to know a few men who loved their wives but had needs. I never got into relationships with them because I wasn't looking to be a mistress. However I also knew a few women who were also married and loved their husbands but needed that 'little bit extra' as one put it.

Apart from the sense of betrayal, how do you feel about your husband and your marriage? Do you still love him? Does he make you feel loved? There is more to marriage that sex and fidelity. Marriage is an emotional relationship too. He obviously still has sexual needs. Perhaps he's found an outlet because he doesn't want to make you feel pressured to do something you can't/don't want to do.

Sex with the other woman doesn't necessarily mean he doesn't love and respect you.

If your marriage is OK apart from this then why ruin it by taking revenge for his infidelity?

You say you don't share a bed with him. Perhaps he just misses that closeness. If when married, one person is not interested in sex or sharing the marital bed, must the other person just have to put up with it. Since being widowed, years ago, I have never had that closeness again, I live with it because he was my sole mate and I wouldn't want anyone else.

Gosh I seem to be reading this a totally different way to everyone else You say you haven't shared a bed with him for years .... there is so much more than sex to sharing a bed, surely the cuddles, going to sleep in each other's arms, the warmth, the nighttime chats , the closeness, perhaps he's looking for what you don't seem to want in the relationship, not necessary sex for the sake of it . You don't once mention the word love just that you are financially dependant on him and don't want to rock the boat to spoil your being looked after You say he is still kind and caring towards you and obviously keeps you in the way you want so why are you upset, you obviously don't want a sexual relationship so why be upset that he does and has obviously found the love he's missing, I presume it's the deceit that has hurt you, would it have been better if he'd asked? What would you answer have been ? this is coming from a woman who has been cheated on in marriage and would normally be coming down like a ton of bricks on a straying man

I agree with others on here. I would get myself a secret account and squirrel funds away. Try and get him to sign the house over to you and make sure he has a will in your favour because he's 80 years old and if he's having sex twice a week he won't last much longer. In the meantime do what Wot said and get Exlax for his cocoa.Try to remain calm and not get stressed, remember revenge is a dish best served cold. Good luck and please let us know what happens.

I haven't read all this thread but there have been some quite aggressive reactions. It seems to me that in many ways this man sounds as if he is a good deal more considerate and thoughtful to his wife than many of the husbands we hear about on here.

The poster has said that she and her husband have not had a sexual relationship for some time. Of course, she is quite entitled to not want this but obviously her husband feels differently. Would it really be any more considerate for him to have revealed that he was in a sexual relationship and she could either like it or lump it?

If you were happy before you found out, and have companionship and friendship, and you say he is good to you, is there any chance you can come to terms with it? Is he not telling you because he does not want to hurt you, but is one of those men who needs a physical outlet? If so and there is still affection between you, and you enjoy being together, can you settle for that, leave things as they are, treat yourself to a few things you want without feeling guilty and go out on your own with friends sometimes (if you don't already). But if, very understandably, you can't help feeling resentful and hurt, and this knowledge has destroyed the feelings you had for him, then just have it out with him and be prepared to live without him. Only you know how you feel, but don't act in haste, give it a few months and you may feel differently. Once you tell him it may be out of your hands. Perhaps the secrecy adds a bit of spice or perhaps it is a constant worry for him that you will find out and he will lose you. The other woman might just want sex without having a man around full time, or she might secretly hope you will find out and leave him, and then she can have him full time. Once it is out in the open, nothing will ever be the same again. Many women have lived with the knowledge of their husband's infidelity, and been quite happy, but you don't have too. It is a trade off for what he gives you, only you know what you want out of the rest of your life.

Agreed wot- but then it's best to leave if respect has gone imho.

IF you can cope with the hurt he is causing, stay with him and give him what he deserves........ stay and be a kept woman and enjoy the proceeds, when he is tired of her then YOU will have your day. I feel for you so much especially if you love him, what it is with some men, never satisfied with their lot, maybe as previously mentioned she is after his pennies, DON'T give her the opportunity, play along with him, what a B"@:* he is. Hopefully you will "come out on top" eventually.

Good Luck my dear, keep your "pecker" up
Us women are with you xxxx

It's such a painful thing to know, J8. It happened to me with my ex, but I was young at the time, so more resilient. Even more painful when we get older. In my case I think it was mainly due to his having a high sex drive, plus being bipolar, when mine was fairly low. But we're all different.
I agree with those who say that at 80 he's unusual if he still needs sex regularly.
But I don't know what advice to give, except that if it was me, God forbid, I would want to speak to him about it.
This has made me think again about how important kisses and cuddles are.