Poor relationship with daughters' boyfriends

My advice....
Bite your tongue, sadly we can't choose our off springs partners.
DH never liked ex SiL but never said anything until DD worked out for herself what a waste of space he is and threw him out.

Be extra nice to him. If she sees him in contrast with her pleasant family, it will nudge her to get rid of him, but if you seem to be running him down she will rush to his defence and then you'll be stuck with him.

When my three were younger, there were a few girl and boy friends who I fervently hoped would not become permanent, but after a short while they vanished and have been replaced by the best set of DiL/SiL I could wish for.

How old are your daughters, and are the boyfriends live-in partners?

Good advice Elegran, we had one or two (or more!) where we had to grit our teeth, but smile, make them welcome and be nice to them and hoped they would go on their way!

I'm 99% with Elegran and rose quartz who advise you to bite your tongue and be pleasant. JackieB you say you don't want him in your house and that made me wonder if there are any serious anxieties on your part about possible drug/alcohol/violence issues.

I quite like the DC's ex-boy/girl friends now they are married to other people
And we still feel sorry about 'the one that got away'

You can't choose for them!!

Rest assured, JackieB, we've all been there, whether regarding a BF (or GF for some parents) or a friend. I'm not clear, though, on whether or not you're talking about 1 DD and 2 BFs or 2 different DDs, each w/ a BF you don't care for. Maybe it's just me, but please let us know which it is.

Anyhow, I agree with PPs about being pleasant and biting your tongue. Exception being if one of these BFs is doing something that affects you or your home, such as tracking mud in or disrupting meal times. Then, IMO, you can - calmly and politely - ask him to stop or ask DD to speak to him if that feels more comfortable. But otherwise... shhh...

Like Iam, though, I'm wondering why you don't want the one BF in your house. If you have serious concerns, such as drugs, etc., then I might give slightly different advice.

Sorry for slow response, I'm new to this!

Boyfriend 29, with youngest daughter 22, came to our house a few Christmases ago (we are far apart geographically) and was rude (and untidy). He is very immature, arrogant and lazy, and not one bit interested in either myself or my husband. Why should I put up with that sort of behaviour in my own home? Have had conversation with my daughter about it but she said "He is the nicest man I've ever known".

Boyfriend 37, with daughter 31 - they have one child together and another on the way. He had a breakdown when first child was born because he "couldn't cope". Instead of looking forward to new baby, all the family are dreading it.

I hear the wisdom about biting one's tongue, but repression/suppression is not good for one's health?

Sorry if I'm sounding harsh and uncaring, but I'm at my wits end, and desperate to do the right thing.

I didn't like my son in law when my daughter first brought him home. I was wrong and we get on very well now. It's a good job I didn't say anything to anyone other than my husband!

One friend of mine, when she didn't like a daughter's boyfriend, made a point of inviting him to the house as much as possible so that her daughter could see him with other family members - and highlight how he didn't fit in! The tactic seemed to work.

Tresco - clever lady!

Perhaps Boyfriend age 29 behaves differently when he is at your house - perhaps because DD reverts to being 'daughter' instead of his partner? and he feels his nose is pushed out of joint.

Boyfriend (Partner?) age 37 may be more mature now - does he have a good relationship with the child he already has? I am not sure what sort of 'breakdown' you mean - a complete mental breakdown or a 'not facing up to reality now I'm a Dad breakdown'?

All you can do is be kind and supportive and keep smiling. Perhaps you can offer to have the little one so that they have some time to adjust to the new baby.
You can scream when you're on your own (it helps!).

Good point re 29 year old. (He introduces DD as his partner.)

37 year old (partner) - probably somewhere in between the two. I have my grandson quite a bit (he is an adorable, laid back, 19 month old) but most offers of help are always received in a negative manner, eg I will offer to have grandson, but there is always a but "Yes, but I'm still tired...yes, but I still have to go to work tomorrow." I feel like there is nothing I can do to help. What a mess!

Thank you for your thoughts

I don't see a mess, I see two girls who are very happy with the partners they have chosen. I would just be happy that they are happy. Enjoy your grandson and the new baby ( when he/she ) arrives, and don't worry about their relationships.

As a thirty two year old divorcee with three children I know I was not my parents in law's ideal girlfriend for their twenty two year old son. However, they bit back their reservations and made a decision to support their son in his choice of future bride - and we have now been very happily married for almost thirty years. I have always appreciated parents in law's decision to be supportive in spite of their misgivings and I delight in the fact that they eventually became two of my closest friends. It took them quite some time to really get to know me, but they were always prepared to make an effort and I shall forever be grateful. I love them very much and know they love me too.

JB1, you are right, suppression.repression is not good for your health. You need to be able to step back from what is happening so that you manage how you feel rather than repress it.

What has worked for me is to sit by myself, or go for a good long walk and have a good internal rant about what is working me up and then at a certain point, stop, take a couple of long slow breaths and visualise all my pent up feelings leeking out of me through my fingers and toes. I then go and do something pleasant or relaxing; a new magazine and a lemon tea usually works for me.

If you have someone you really trust and who is tolerant you could use DD's technique, which is to ring me up and rant to me. After a while I begin gently to steer the conversation into calmer waters until she has calmed down and talking about cups of tea. The whole process takes about an hour.

The other thing to do is just step back and let his bad behaviour flow over you. Just tell yourself that the visit is only for two or three days and after that you needn't see him again for quite some time.

Just love your DDs and love the men who make them happy. They chose them for themselves and not for you so give them credit for managing their own lives and let them do as they will without interference. Shut your eyes to any mess for the short time they are with you and enjoy the fact that they like you enough to come and be 'family' with you - many people would give their eye teeth for that!
Working mums are always tired so sympathise and find out if there is something you can do to help take some of the pressure off. This should not be 'all about you' except where you can make a positive difference to them - you never know, they may suddenly decide you are a lovely person to be around and lots of things could change for the better.

It can take quite a while to properly know these men and for them to know you so you may be surprised by finding how nice they really are sometime in the future.

When I posted I didn't realise they were long-term partners, I just thought they were short-term boyfriends.

Synonymous is right, and could you get to know their parents, wider families and all become friends?

That's a lovely post ga