Daughter doesn't want me in her life

Hi Wendysue, I take on board all your comments and have been through them many times. There is a key to her behaviour. I sent a Christmas card to people she thinks I shouldn't. Her relationship with her son is not good, I get on well with him, see him rarely now he is grown and flown though. Any problems they had, I tried to keep out of, but I could see both sides. I was told never to see him, but if he turned up I couldn't turn him away. He came rarely. I let them know I loved them all. She can go forever without contact and has said many times she wouldn't care if she never sees anyone, including her son that doesn't do it her way. I genuinely think that I make her ill because she can never shake me off, like others. But I have hung on in there, for despite everything there has been good times, she is and always will be my daughter who I love, I have always hoped it would get better. These outbursts of hers are out of frustration, for her health I need to back away, if anything happens to her when she is so hysterical I would never forgive myself. I feel worn out, so goodness knows what it does to her. The difference is that she has my lovely gd and her husband, many friends and the money to take of anywhere. I can hear in my head my late fathers words, she will break your heart, how right he was. So I have this time to back away and give her what she wants. You can tell by the time of this post that it is keeping me awake still, but this time hopefully it will get better, because I am thinking in my head, it is for her as much as you, I have to do it. Posting has helped me so much by writing it down, so thank you for that.

Luckylegs, I'm so sorry your relationship with your D has soured to this point. My heart is with you.

Is there a key in what she said in her rant as to what's going on? Some hint of what sets her off? Maybe something that could help you know what you could do to begin to reverse this situation? Or maybe there's a clue in what it was that precipitated the rant?

If not, then I think what you're doing is the best idea. You need some space from her and, as hard as it may be to hear, she may need some space from you, too.

I don't know what her health issues are, of course, but if you feel the tensions between you are affecting her health, then that's another reason that I think it's good that you're backing away. Or did she back away first, stating her health as the reason? I'm not clear on that.

Anyhow, I also agree with PPs that you have to think of your own health, too. The constant stress you mention could damage it after a while. So for your own sake, I think you need a long reprieve.

It stinks that this means losing contact with your GD. I know that must hurt very much. Hopefully, it will help to continue sending her cards and gifts. Please don't count on a response though. Sadly, I've known other GPs who have tortured themselves, constantly checking for a card or a letter. Send whatever feels right to you, if anything, and then let it go, if you can. That letting it go part may be too hard, I suppose. I don't know but I understand if it is.

(((Hugs!)))

lucky why do you say D and Sil are lovely people? they don't sound like lovely people to me even if they have lots of friends. Even if you weren't the perfect mother -and who is? that is no excuse for them to treat you lke that. Begin by seeing them as the egoistic people they are and don't apologise.
If you get a chance to see your grandaughter then take it but don't let yourself be drawn into a shouting match with your daughter, and don't give them any money or help either.

its a sorry situation amd I feel for you lile we all do on GN

I do what Iam64 says. It is easier to expect nothing and to keep out the line of fire of tirades of nastiness. As we get older we need to protect ourselves from any more damage than age alone does.
SPF

Luckylegs9 my heart aches for you and for all others in the same position. I agree that sending a card, keeping the door open, is a good idea. I do know that if I was in that position and sent a card I'd be glued to the phone/letterbox hoping for a response.... always hoping.

I hope you can move on in some way... make the most of 'what is' and know that not everything is 'our fault'.
We deserve some peace in our lives, not always possible with family strifes, best wishes.

I agree with Iam64 on this.It seems that for whatever reason( all different ones probably) sone sons and daughters have taken against their own parents, it's extremely sad.?

Sorry to hear about this distressing incident, that seems to have been the final straw for you lucky legs. Creating some emotional distance, whilst continuing to send cards or a gift on special occasions leaves the door open without you putting yourself in a position where further emotional damage can be caused.

I think it has always been rife Luckylegs9. When I look at my family and even DH's I can see a pattern. My father never spoke to my half sister now 80 after she became pregnant outside marriage although I am in contact with her now. My brother disappeared from my / our family life and only reappeared when my mother was dying. He disappeared again to reappear 20 years later when he needed a transplant. DH would not bother with his brother who was disruptive and often very unpleasant apart from Christmas and birthday cards. I'm puzzled by my dd1's indifference to us . I make excuses telling myself that she has a controlling husband but I'm not entirely sure.the sorrow that these people cause- it's like ripples in a pond. A friend is going to the town today where my DGC live and I remarked to her that she could be walking past and smiling at the sight of two lovely children who are my DGC without knowing and yet I haven't seen them in a year. I shouldn't have said that but it came out without thinking. And it saddened her. I often wonder if DD ever thinks that her children may hardly ever speak to her. And how would she feel.

I am not sure what your daughter's health history ist, Luckylegs, must this sounds so very much like my stepdaughter, who has been diagnosed with Bipolar II. I did not know much about this and had to inform myself, but basically it is what used to be known as manic depression, and my stepdaughter sounds very similar to your daugther.

Her anger is addressed mostly at her parents, i.e. my OH and his ex-wife, and there have been times where she has "banned" both of them out of her life for months and years. She will have nothing to do with my son either and sees her sister maybe once every two years.

All of these people are perfectly reasonable normal perople, but she does not see it that way, depending on what mood she is in. She may need help?

I'm so sorry Luckylegs, and just before Christmas too.

As Luckygirl has said, sometimes for the benefit of one's own physical and emotional well being it is necessary to take a step back to allow healing to begin. It is a very difficult decision to make and of course isn't the right one for everyone, but you sound exhausted and over wrought by everything at the moment so it might be the best thing to do for now.

There are so many who suffer as we do with the pain of separation and I wish for us all a peaceful Christmas.

Thank you all of you. Will keep a very low profile from now on, I would never confront her again, but I will say if ever the time comes in the future should she gets in touch that, her behaviour towards me had made me feel ashamed and worthless, I bought her up to know right from wrong, she forgot somewhere down the line, becoming bullying and controlling.l. At the moment I just do not want to see her. I am going to try and be happy with my friends, perhaps book a holiday.

So sorry for those suffering in the same way, just wish so much it wasn't so rife.
Thank you once again and good luck to those that live with the pain of separation.

I think that there have been other posters who have concluded that the pain of trying to maintain contact and the detrimental effect on their health has been too much to pursue. It must be a very hard decision - but you have a life to live and fun to have, and in the end that may be the only route for you. You could just send letters to keep the door ajar for your DGD.

If your DD does not have the courage to confront her problems and to discuss them with you, then there is nothing you can do to make her.

I wish you lots of luck and hope that you can move forward and enjoy life.

My daughter cut herself out of my life many years ago, but I have always continued to send cards and gifts so that in the future if she decides to make contact again she will know that the door is always open. We didn't have a falling out ourselves, but there was an issue with my family members that she couldn't cope with. I do sometimes get cards and in the past I have had an occasional phone call from the children on Christmas Day - it's very hit and miss though so I never take it for granted. Last year I was delighted to receive a Christmas card from my daughter with a family photo on the front.
Luckylegs9 my advice would be to keep up 'letterbox' contact so that in the future your grandchild/ren will know that you continued to have your daughter's family in your heart and on your mind.

Luckylegs When you apologise you could possibly make your D even angrier. She can't tell you what you have done wrong, because it's not your behaviour it's hers. Your SIL's parents and family are probably feeling the same way as you.

I would do as J52 and NanaandGrampy suggest. No doubt your GC when older, hopefully not before, will probably be treated to you D's outbursts too.

Your D and SIL are not lovely people at all and their friends would be shocked to know how they treat their families.

The wrench would be not seeing your GC, it must be devastating for you. You really have my sympathy.

It is a very difficult thing to come to terms with, I have had to do it. But in the end you come to realise the stress concerned is simply too much to put up with.
My eldest son has had no contact with us for over 6 years, he used to make the excuse of needing shopping to see his brother by going into where he worked (local Argos store) but he cannot do that since he finished there 18 months ago. I kept in touch with the grandkids for a year or so but they never made any effort to contact me, no thanks etc for presents. Never liked his first wife and think she probably didn't help things where the children were concerned. So I don't see any of them either, eldest two in their 20's so they could easily make the effort too.

Luckily my younger lad is not of the same mind.

I'm so sorry lucky I'm sitting here with a burning resentment in the pit of my stomach, thinking 'bitch, bitch, bitch' about my DiL. I can't do right for doing wrong. When we visit even though we stay for only 1 day we're resented, if we don't visit we're wrong. She only comes here if she wants to visit her family nearby. Never spends any time with our family, I was invited to go and see them, but only because they wanted me to be the 'post women' and bring back presents for this end of the country. But what can I do?if I say anything it'll make my son unhappy, so here I sit waiting to develop a bloody ulcer thinking "I HATE BEING A MOTHER INLAW" grrrrrrr so I can totally understand how you've just reach your limit of endurance. I'd be reluctant to cut ties completely though. Will you send cards and presents, and perhaps do what we do and ask to take the grandchildren away/ or out for the day and give them all your attention for the time you have them? I just wish I could stop the " over thinking ' and churning up all the old slights she dished out. I think that's the answer, to change our mindset but how we do it is a mystery to me. I hope there are other loving family around to lessen the hurt.

I agree with J52 , don't shut the door totally.

Cards, maybe a postcard to your DG when you're away ( I know ours love that) , birthday cards and gifts.

Just anything that keeps some sort of communication going however one sided.

I can't imagine how you feel but maybe this time of year is amplifying the pain so take a little breathing space for yourself.

If it brings you any comfort, you are not alone. Your daughter sounds like my sister. I long ago cut her out of my life and my mother has more or less done the same. I agree that you cannot put yourself through repetitive pain and stress. Not everyone can cope with family relationships.

So sorry to hear of your plight! . You must look after your emotional health. This is particularly hard at Christmas, when the idea of a perfect family gathering is proffered and seen as the 'norm'.

Maybe, a low profile and just allow yourself some recovery time might help. Be civil and neutral, send cards and gifts and keep in contact when it is appropriate.

It must be really difficult for you, try to be brave. (((Hugs)))
X

Luckylegs9 your post brought tears to my eyes and left me speechless. I sincerely hope you find a way round this. I would find it almost impossible to live with.

Luckylegs, I feel your pain, but also I sense resignation from you. Maybe it is time to step away and protect yourself. I'm learning that there's only so much we can put ourselves through before it affects our health. I'm lucky to still have very regular contact with my son, although I haven't actually seen him for eighteen months, and I miss him so much. I've only seen my two year old granddaughter twice since she was born, so I don't really know her, which breaks my heart. Her mother is making sure I never will. I won't put any pressure on my son - which she knows - so I am backing away to protect us both. For you

So sorry, that answer was in respect to the post by Whitewave, not thinking too clearly at present. My daughter put the phone down after stating she wanted nothing to do with me, severing contact was for me to write and phone up apologising for I don't know what, which I always do.

Ninathenana. She will not even talk about it, if I ever tried to broach the subject, she shouts and the phone is slammed down, if in the room with her she would make a fuss and tell me to get out. I have been warned by sil never to ask questions as it is out of bounds.

& (((hugs))) Luckylegs
I really don't think anything I say will help but just wanted to say I really feel for you and I hope somehow in time you'll have peace of mind.

It's the not knowing what you've done wrong that puts you in limbo, doesn't it?

Take care and look after yourself x

Before you take such a drastic step could you not try some sort of mediation between yourself and daughter?