Rising rate of divorce amongst older couples.

Hi and welcome ShowerGel. Unless your DH is willing to and wants to get help with his alcoholism and change his lifestyle then you must think very seriously if this is a lifestyle that you want. There is so much support now to help alcoholics but this must be done by him.

Something else to think about is, take your time to get to know this other man thoroughly before committing yourself to another relationship. The last thing you need is to jump from the frying pan into the fire.

Good luck. Only you know what you want in life and follow your instincts.

Thanks Agus.
DH shows absolutely no desire to change, he doesn't recognise it as a problem - "I like a drink, what's wrong with that?" is his response.
He sometimes can't recall things that he has been told - I no longer say "I told you that yesterday" - he can be a danger to himself (gas left on unlit) and he gets paranoid about unannounced callers to the house, especially if they are male.
He doesn't like me being away overnight (I sometimes have to go away as part of my work) and is upbeat if I phone him in the morning (before a drink) but is maudlin and sorry for himself if I phone in the evening (his drinking starts at midday and goes through until early evening, when he normally falls asleep).

I am keeping the 'frying pan/fire' thought in my mind and not making any plans to set up home with the other person - to be on my own would be better for me these days. I've no desire to start all over again.

When DH once said a few years ago "If I live as long as my mother that would give me another 30 years" my heart sank at the prospect (always assuming I was able to match the longevity, which I probably won't). Then more recently we were discussing moving house (he couldn't do it) but asked me if I wanted to live by myself - I lied to him and said 'No' but it feels like I should have been truthful.

Sounds like he is in denial then and if that is the case, you are flogging a dead horse. Unless there is a strong reason for you to stay in this situation, it may well be time to consider what you want your future to be.

Sometimes a good mantra to remember is, I cannot change my past but I can change my future.

I have worked with alcoholics and I know many who became well but others who were in denial and didn't see this as a problem, regardless of the affect they were having on their families.

I am in the process of getting divorced after 41years of marriage. I finally decided I had compromised enough when my husband rowed with my Sil and refused to go to my daughters house. He then became more and more difficult because he wasn't seeing them as much as he wanted and he gradually became more and more verbally/emotionally abusive to me. When on two occasions he then became violent I decided enough was enough. I realised he was never going to change his behaviour. I,m relieved but it has been/still is very stressful as not all resolved yet. He has always been subtlety controlling and wants to change now he says but no actual deeds re this, because I think he,s actually annoyed I am daring to leave. I wish I,d done it before and my DD are delighted I finally am. Think of yourself for a change and good luck.

Power to your elbow, Twice. The feeling of liberation afterwards will be wonderful. Difficult at the time, but staying is far worse than getting away from it.

TwiceAsNice Best of luck for the future

That phrase 'subtely controlling' struck a chord Twice - I mentioned that DH has a degree of Narcissistic Personality(NP), which means that he thinks he is always right and if people are not in agreement with him then he dismisses their point of view. Years back, in the days when we used to watch TV in the same room, if I was engaged in a programme and he wasn't then he would say 'Are you watching this?' which was his way of saying that he wanted to switch it off. I used to concur but then started to assert myself and say 'Yes, I am' which had the potential of triggering a rage from him or he would start talking over the programme, giving me his view on the topic. Me being engaged with something other than him does not fit with a NP view of the world.
Add in the alcohol and it is a toxic mix.
Before I met him he did go to an AA meeting - the NP aspect meant that they could not teach him anything, he knew everything.
If you wonder why I have stayed for so long together (we have been married for 17 years) I am minded that the NP has played a part in my own development - he has been supportive of my career, my successes support his choice of partner ('look what a grand fellow I am, my wife achieves because of me, she was envious of my achievements [i'm not envious] and so she set out to emulate me'). So I have had a fulfilling career and it has helped in funding a nice home and a variety of hobbies.
I do not have my name on the mortgage though (even though I am paying it at the moment) and I know from experience how hard it is to walk away from the time, love and effort you put into the bricks and mortar that surround you.
Sorry - gone on a bit.

Hello there Showergel. We live this life once and the thought of moving into the later stages of it, is a time for some reflection and a good look at where we are, and where we're going. Your summary of your partners personality, and alcohol dependence suggests you have an accurate image of him. Separations and Divorce are exhausting when we're younger so I empathise with you. You say your coping ability is diminishing, no wonder. Living with an alcohol dependent narcissist would do that, wouldn't it.
Take care of yourself, it sounds as though the emotional separation is becoming well established, good luck with the next phase

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Nana reported

And me on three threads!

Three now! My sympathy is running out.

Thank you so much for your support whenim64 and Agus, much appreciated. ShowerGel controlling behaviour is so hard to break because partners make you believe it is you who is being difficult. My soon to be ex husband could actually "lecture" you into making you think you were wrong. I work in mental health and am now convinced he has a personality disorder but some relatives and friends are astonished I am leaving as they see him as "charming" because of how he portrays himself to others. It is very hard to make others change when they don,t see they are doing anything wrong. Our daughters always felt he was only pleased with their achievements if it made him look good and he supported me through a lot of academic study to change my career because he thought it gave him a "clever wife" I think. It is to my advantage now as I am well able to support myself financially. I feel there is more stress to come when the divorce is finally complete as it will give him control back to be difficult with me but we shall see. I hope ShowerGel you can make a good decision for yourself to have a better life I am amazed sometimes I am doing this the emotional blackmail has made me feel guilty on occasion but I have lots of support from my daughters and closest friend. I wish you loads of luck for the future!

Are you sure we are not married to the same man Twice? We seem to have had a parallel experience!

I agree with Kate13 When I wa 60, 7 years ago, I left my husband who had(has) become withdrawn from society, and I went to live in a bedsit.My husband is not a bad person(but likes a drink), has absolutely no friends and never goes out.
I was fed up, and lleft. He never rang me to ask me to come back,but rang me to pass on messages from my friends who hadn't known where I was.I met a young man who lived in the next room;he was gay, and a great scource of company at times.I carried on with my life, but realized the things that were pulling me back home was not my husband, but my garden and my piano,(which, obviously I had to leave behind.After 9 months I returned home.Now, I mostly do my own thing, found lots more interests and Ime hardly ever in. Life is great!

I have been reading about 'emotional separation' today and I know I have been experiencing this for years. Despite not having firm plans in place I don't know how long I can go on without having The Conversation with DH.
Not a good time of year for all of this, is it?

showergel, like you I was emotionally separated from my ex for many years. Before I had 'that conversation', I had a free 30 minute meeting with a solicitor. I then knew exactly where I stood, and how our assets and pension could be divided. However, the biggest mistake I made was to go along with a 'gentleman's agreement'. I thought my ex was an honourable man, but as soon as another woman came into his life he wanted to deny me my right to a share of his pension, resulting in a long drawn out court battle.
I would urge anyone in this position to get all their ducks in a row before making the escape.
Good luck to all, I can only tell you how much happier I have been for the last 14 years, living alone in my own little house. I had not felt able to face retirement together in the marital home.

shysal, I love your advice to get ducks in a row before the great escape. Showergel, whilst you are right to say it isn't a good time of year for all this, it is a time of year that raises emotions, and that can sometimes be a wake up call about relationships.
Liminetta, I'm so glad you have your garden and piano back. Your escape to the bedsit was a courageous move and it sounds as though it gave you the emotional space to decide what next.

I liked the idea of 'getting all your ducks in a row' too - it's made me think quite a lot and I am starting to draw up a 'to do' list (solicitor, estate agent, man and van, etc).
My exit will be compounded in that I have an ageing dog too that will need to come with me - she has always been regarded as my dog and she trails around the house after me rather than DH.
When I split with Ex1 I went to live in a bedsit - it was a good space for quiet reflection. It won't be an option with a dog though.

Showergel after you have made the decision's on your "to do list" drop into AgeUK for any advice re your rights on maybe "Social Housing" many of the Housing Associations allow a dog to be kept with you,it's well worth a try. Best of Luck to you.

In social housing, it may stipulate 'no pets', but many housing officers and tenants appear to forget to read that bit .. Tenants move in, suddenly they have a pet, which no one notices. Best of luck Shower. Where there's a will, there's a way.

glammanana I hadn't even considered 'social housing' as an option. When I split with Ex.1 I did put my name down (I was in my early 40s then) and the only letter I got from them was 'do you want to remain on the list?' - I had saved for a deposit on house by then so it wasn't needed.
Now that I exist on pensions I am guessing I may be in a different position.
I've realised that I will have to e-mail solicitors for an appointment as time on my own is limited to dog-walking and shopping, unless I go and visit my DD.

best wishes showergel.

G
ood luck and best wishes Twice and Showergel

Thanks to all - I have an appointment next week with a solicitor. Best wishes to Twice too.