Arranged marriage

Just introducing people in the hope that they will fall in love is hardly the same as arranging a marriage.
I worked with a second-generation, British born Indian woman, and she said her parents still thought things were just the same there as when they left 40 years ago, before she was born. She was never able to convince them that society had moved on in India. What I found truly amazing was that her mother spoke hardly any English - apparently her father thought it might 'give her ideas'.

I imagine an arranged marriage can work - forced marriage however is a very different kettle of fish !!!

Very old thread . Many on here dead.

Stansgran you are a cheerful soul! Made me smile and I am grumpy!

We have an Iranian family living near us and the older husband and wife had an arranged marriage but were at pains to explain that the wife was introduced to several eligible young suitors who she promptly turned down before taking a shine to her husband. Is arranged for the young men as well as the women. Their grown up children were also introduced to several young men, one married one of them and seems very happy, the other married an Iranian man she met at uni, but protocols had to be observed and the man’s family came to visit with their son.
They say is a marriage of two families.
I am not opposed to this, but forced marriages are an abomination. As is the marrying of a daughter to her rapist so that the family don’t lose face.

It isn’t just girls who are forced into marriage. I once had a client, a young man in his early twenties who had gone with his brother and parents to visit family in India to attend a wedding, However, when they arrived he and his brother found that the weddings were actually to be theirs! Neither had ever met the girls they were supposed to marry before. The brother accepted his fate but my client ran away back to England. Unfortunately his family took it badly and disowned him, sacked him from the family business and then told lies about his income to HMRC. He came to us in a very bad state but fortunately we were able to put him in touch with a charity who were able to help him.
Like others have said, if the participants are adults who are happy to go ahead with an arranged marriage and are given choices, who is to say it it wrong. But where very young people are forced into marriages it is abuse. In addition, very often the bride and groom are close relatives which sometimes results in children with disabilities.

they are called assisted marriages now aren't they? lots of time and meetings over years, girls afforded an education
times have changed thankfully

forced is a different issue

A friend of mine who arranged her son's marriage explained to me that there isn't the choice in non-arranged marriages as we might think.

We choose our partners from people we know, and that usually means that they live nearby, share similar interests, maybe work with us. It's quite unusual to pair up with someone very different - usually they have similar education and background - not always of course, but it's more common than not.

The partners that my friend chose for her son were similarly matched. They took into account religious sensitivities too, but on the whole it was about looking for someone who would fit into her family, and knowing that her son would fit in with his wife's family.

Stansgran

Very old thread . Many on here dead.

Oh!
Got caught out again. Is ok my posts are generally given the swerve so I doubt anyone will notice 🧐

Well, I can only say I’m glad my mother didn’t have the arrangement of my marriage! After I finished with a former long-term boyfriend at only about 19, she was forever lamenting, and telling me I’d never find anyone else as nice again!

Dh and I will have been married for 52 years on the coming 1st of June. ❤️

We choose our partners from people we know
Not necessarily at all I bumped into mine coming out the PO didn’t know him from Adam and we were of totally different cultures but we clicked (well we did for 12 years)
Don’t think any of my boyfriends were from my area or known to me or family Doodledog

I knew someone would say that, which is why I said ‘not always, of course’

Don't most people meet on-line these days?

A few probably meet at school or uni, or work.

My DS was introduced to his DW by uni friends who set up a blind date for them.
They've just celebrated 21 years married and 2 DC.

An old thread but I will chip in as I knew a lot of Asian girls who had arranged marriages. One girl was heartbroken as she had a minor disability so her family married her off to a man old enough to be her grandfather. She brought a photo of him into work and we all sat with her while she cried her eyes out.

Another girl was very Westernised and very beautiful. She knew she was set to have an arranged marriage and did not want this. She protested at home so her family then almost put her under lock and key apart from when she was at work. She had several brothers and they took turns driving her to work and waiting outside for her to leave off. I often wonder what happened to her.

Nowadays these would be called forced marriages. Young girls are still taken overseas supposedly on a holiday and married off. It is against the law in this country but it does still go on as anybody who is involved with these young women knows.

I wasn’t bought up in that culture, so I wanted to make my own mistakes, even if I got it wrong.

Which I did first time round, although I stayed until the adult AC had left for their own new lives.

2nd time around I got it right - but there’s no way I wanted anyone chosen for me.

I remember being horrified that clearly learning disabled young men I worked with were sent back to Pakistan to marry very young girls supposedly which would cure them. We were appalled at the prospect of 13 year old girls suddenly marrying these men and moving to another country/culture. It was these poor cousin brides we were all so sorry for. Result- an ever more disabled set of offspring. Ghastly situation.

Appalling isn’t it?
Arranged marriages where suitors are introduced to the family and if the girl likes one and gets to know him and later marries willingly is one thing, but forced marriages are quite another and utterly wrong.

In my grandparents' youth newspapers such as The Scotsman or The Times worded notices of engagements with the following opening: A marriage has been arranged and will shortly take place.

My grandparents were both well over 21 when they met and simply informed their respective parents that they had met the person they intended to marry and had accepted / been accepted by their intended.

A generation later, my parents did the same.

Even in my generation few young women, by which I mean those under 25 or so, had the courage to insist on marrying a man their parents disapproved of.

Frankly, I do not believe it matters how or where you meet your spouse. Marriage is a lottery, and if it is to succeed requires at times a good deal of hard work from both spouses. Non-interference from their parents etc. helps too.

Today's divorce rate rather points to the fact that love matches are no more likely to suceed than an arranged marriage. Whether this applied to past generations there is no way of knowing. Our grandparents' generation rarely were prepared to face the scandal divorce was in their day, after all, and those who regretted their choice did their best not to let anyone know that.

The liklihood is that if my mother had chosen my husband I would have been bored stiff, which I was not with the man I chose. On the other hand, if she had chosen my sister's husbands (she had three, in her time) my sister might well have been spared an adulterer, and certainly would have been spared two wife-beaters!

Not wishing to be prurient but my concern with an arranged marriage, especially one where the parties have only briefly met, would be the thought of having sexual relations with a man I wasn't totally in love with and to whom I didn't feel a strong physical attraction. I had a friend at school whose parents had an arranged marriage, they had met only twice before the wedding. Her mother assured her love grows where there is kindness and trust, but she said they wouldn't force my friend into a marriage she didn't want but hoped she'd follow the traditional ways. They moved away when we were 14 so I have no idea what happened.

Obviously it's better to fall in love and marry, to be expected to marry because your parents want it is still a forced marriage because if you didn't tge outcome wouldn't be good.
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In our coffee-morning group of 12 ladies, 10 of them were in happy, arranged marriages. The two of us, who were divorcees, had married our ‘college sweethearts’
Is that proof enough that arranged marriages do work ?

Arranged marriage is also referred to as matchmaking my in-laws married this way. It was the cultural way of life because of their religion at the time. Things have moved on since then and tradition is left to people's own interpretations.

I have many Muslim and Hindu friends - actually from different countries and they all had arranged marriages .
To Westerners it seems callous if not cruel of their parents to arrange it -sometimes from birth .
But having spent a great deal of time with them I have to admit that most are blissfully happy .
I don't pry ,but they are very frank with me about every aspect .
Marriage isn't just a contract between a man and a woman it's a contract between families .
Family is paramount .
Unfortunately this tradtion can be exploited-
when I see the horrific cases of murder of girls trying to escape abusive arrangements I feel that their religion is discredited.

And that's a great shame.

Arranged marriages, with genuine choice and consent if that's your culture...fine.
Forced marriage, underage brides , honour marriages...no.

Stansgran

Very old thread . Many on here dead.

or have changed their names. it was uite a shock to see my original name on this thread.