Arranged marriage

A story from decades ago, which has stuck with me.
A young Italian woman spurned her suiter, was kidnapped, then assaulted.
The expectation was that she would regain her honour by marrying her abuser.
She refused, and backed by her parents, very unusual at that time, took him to court.
The bit I remember was footage of her walking to court, and the locals coming out to surround and protect her from being shot.

Entirely depends on the circumstances. Educated, independent woman with free will, that’s her choice.
A much younger girl with no agency being married off to an older man, big, fat No.

Another ( very) old thread!
An arranged marriage is not necessarily the same thing as a forced marriage. In the case of the former, that is entirely their business.
If the latter , wrong and as I understand, illegal in this country as in many others.

As others say, an arranged marriage is fine as long as both parties are happy with it, and it’s more like an introduction.

Young men and women, usually still teenagers are taken to India or Pakistan for a ‘ holiday’ and are married off there.

Last year in India there were not far off 7, 000 dowry deaths where brides died.

It may be illegal but it still happens.
Likewise dowry was banned in India in the 1960’s but is still up and running in 2026 both in India and here and no doubt in many other countries amongst Indian communities.

Forced marriage and underage marriages are illegal not just in the UK but also in India and Pakistan. It's of note that in four American states there is no minimum age and in one it is 15 and there have been "marriages" of girls as young as 9! From 1978 in India the minimum age for marriage of a woman is 18 and 21 for a man whereas it was still legal for 16 year olds to marry in the UK until 2023 and it's still legal in Scotland.

Stansgran

Very old thread . Many on here dead.

or have changed their names. it was uite a shock to see my original name on this thread.

Arranged marriages, with genuine choice and consent if that's your culture...fine.
Forced marriage, underage brides , honour marriages...no.

I have many Muslim and Hindu friends - actually from different countries and they all had arranged marriages .
To Westerners it seems callous if not cruel of their parents to arrange it -sometimes from birth .
But having spent a great deal of time with them I have to admit that most are blissfully happy .
I don't pry ,but they are very frank with me about every aspect .
Marriage isn't just a contract between a man and a woman it's a contract between families .
Family is paramount .
Unfortunately this tradtion can be exploited-
when I see the horrific cases of murder of girls trying to escape abusive arrangements I feel that their religion is discredited.

And that's a great shame.

Arranged marriage is also referred to as matchmaking my in-laws married this way. It was the cultural way of life because of their religion at the time. Things have moved on since then and tradition is left to people's own interpretations.

In our coffee-morning group of 12 ladies, 10 of them were in happy, arranged marriages. The two of us, who were divorcees, had married our ‘college sweethearts’
Is that proof enough that arranged marriages do work ?

Obviously it's better to fall in love and marry, to be expected to marry because your parents want it is still a forced marriage because if you didn't tge outcome wouldn't be good.
.

Not wishing to be prurient but my concern with an arranged marriage, especially one where the parties have only briefly met, would be the thought of having sexual relations with a man I wasn't totally in love with and to whom I didn't feel a strong physical attraction. I had a friend at school whose parents had an arranged marriage, they had met only twice before the wedding. Her mother assured her love grows where there is kindness and trust, but she said they wouldn't force my friend into a marriage she didn't want but hoped she'd follow the traditional ways. They moved away when we were 14 so I have no idea what happened.

In my grandparents' youth newspapers such as The Scotsman or The Times worded notices of engagements with the following opening: A marriage has been arranged and will shortly take place.

My grandparents were both well over 21 when they met and simply informed their respective parents that they had met the person they intended to marry and had accepted / been accepted by their intended.

A generation later, my parents did the same.

Even in my generation few young women, by which I mean those under 25 or so, had the courage to insist on marrying a man their parents disapproved of.

Frankly, I do not believe it matters how or where you meet your spouse. Marriage is a lottery, and if it is to succeed requires at times a good deal of hard work from both spouses. Non-interference from their parents etc. helps too.

Today's divorce rate rather points to the fact that love matches are no more likely to suceed than an arranged marriage. Whether this applied to past generations there is no way of knowing. Our grandparents' generation rarely were prepared to face the scandal divorce was in their day, after all, and those who regretted their choice did their best not to let anyone know that.

The liklihood is that if my mother had chosen my husband I would have been bored stiff, which I was not with the man I chose. On the other hand, if she had chosen my sister's husbands (she had three, in her time) my sister might well have been spared an adulterer, and certainly would have been spared two wife-beaters!

Appalling isn’t it?
Arranged marriages where suitors are introduced to the family and if the girl likes one and gets to know him and later marries willingly is one thing, but forced marriages are quite another and utterly wrong.

I remember being horrified that clearly learning disabled young men I worked with were sent back to Pakistan to marry very young girls supposedly which would cure them. We were appalled at the prospect of 13 year old girls suddenly marrying these men and moving to another country/culture. It was these poor cousin brides we were all so sorry for. Result- an ever more disabled set of offspring. Ghastly situation.

I wasn’t bought up in that culture, so I wanted to make my own mistakes, even if I got it wrong.

Which I did first time round, although I stayed until the adult AC had left for their own new lives.

2nd time around I got it right - but there’s no way I wanted anyone chosen for me.

An old thread but I will chip in as I knew a lot of Asian girls who had arranged marriages. One girl was heartbroken as she had a minor disability so her family married her off to a man old enough to be her grandfather. She brought a photo of him into work and we all sat with her while she cried her eyes out.

Another girl was very Westernised and very beautiful. She knew she was set to have an arranged marriage and did not want this. She protested at home so her family then almost put her under lock and key apart from when she was at work. She had several brothers and they took turns driving her to work and waiting outside for her to leave off. I often wonder what happened to her.

Nowadays these would be called forced marriages. Young girls are still taken overseas supposedly on a holiday and married off. It is against the law in this country but it does still go on as anybody who is involved with these young women knows.

Don't most people meet on-line these days?

A few probably meet at school or uni, or work.

My DS was introduced to his DW by uni friends who set up a blind date for them.
They've just celebrated 21 years married and 2 DC.

I knew someone would say that, which is why I said ‘not always, of course’

We choose our partners from people we know
Not necessarily at all I bumped into mine coming out the PO didn’t know him from Adam and we were of totally different cultures but we clicked (well we did for 12 years)
Don’t think any of my boyfriends were from my area or known to me or family Doodledog

Well, I can only say I’m glad my mother didn’t have the arrangement of my marriage! After I finished with a former long-term boyfriend at only about 19, she was forever lamenting, and telling me I’d never find anyone else as nice again!

Dh and I will have been married for 52 years on the coming 1st of June. ❤️

Stansgran

Very old thread . Many on here dead.

Oh!
Got caught out again. Is ok my posts are generally given the swerve so I doubt anyone will notice 🧐