Black Dogs 29

Thank you EllieAnne, thats very kind of you to reach out. I take night meds so get off to sleep OK, it's after that. How do you sleep, generally?

Wyllow I hope you had a good sleep last night and things didnt look quite so grim this morning. Most of all I hope the crisis people got back to you, or at least you have been able to talk to someone from MH today. It sounds as if your nearing close to not being able to cope at all and I know when your head gets really full and you cant take any more ,thats the time when these thoughts about getting 'knocked out' to stop it all come into your head. You just want it all to stop.
Hang on to the thought your psychiatrist will be in later this week and you can talk it all out with her- she understands and knows your difficulties and the whole situation with the Mr A fallout and how its affected you.
I dont really know what to say except we are here and listen.
You dont need to fall down that black hole again and you are a perceptive and strong person - dont listen to the negatives.
Sending love and hugs.xx

All you lovely kind and helpful BD's. x

I saw the Psychiatrist this afternoon and she and the Psycologist are going to document the trauma but also give what amounts to a charter reference based on Thor now 6 years of knowing me - ie I don't lie or invent, I have a very strong conscience, have a good hold on realities,I take on board others needs, I am known to support others MH wise et al.

Exhausted now to take it in. We discussed adding Sertraline but I'm on a lot of other meds and this would mess me up physically so not now unless I do drop in black hole as before.

I'll be back in later to hear about other BD days xx

Had a quiet day today. Have felt quite sorry for myself and worried about the toll the Fibromyalgia is taking on my body as the pain has been worsening but have no options so need to get on with it.
Felt very upset about my aunt. Yesterday her DD told her she'll be going into a care home( 2 week placement)- said aunt received it like a prison sentence. She wants to go home but cant walk without frame yet. Been thinking of her all day but felt better when told that ,after initial confusion she seemed happy when left there. We'll visit her Thursday.
Id looked up the home and the photos of the residents ,some various stages of dementia, well, it all looked a bit like an asylum for very old people ,some playing games. My heart went out to my aunt. Its all so sad.

DGS'birthday tomorrow. We got him a Skateboard he wanted. All going for out for tea tomorrow with his dad and my DIL and her little girl.

How is everyone?

Wyllow So glad you talked to the Psychiatrist- sounds like a good plan to get them involved and to let Safeguarding know how upset you are and that you have a history of a good caring attitude to others.
Leave it in their hands and rest mind and body now.

Wyllow oh dear I’m sorry you had such an awful episode. Good that you got to see the psychiatrist and that she is going to write the document you wanted for the safeguarding people. Hope it helps and you can be more rested tonight.
Sweetpeasue that pain you’re suffering must be awful. My friend had the same thing and I know it did take quite a toll on her. Plus you’ve had all the worry about your Dh. Now worry about your aunt too. I’m hoping she’ll settle and be comfortable, Have a lovely time with your DGS on his birthday. How old is he?
HVDY have a lovely holiday. Hope you can relax and enjoy.
Scaredycat have you been out today? It’s been much brighter here but very cold still.
Ellie Anne Dh and I loved Morse. We often used to re watch episodes. I have all the books here but haven’t read them. Must get round to it. DH bought them for me.

Doodle Thankyou for understanding.
Hope you've been OK today though I know its such a particularly bad time of re-living painful times.
My DGS will be 11. Going into Secondary school after summer holidays. Growing up so ( too) fast.

That was a really difficult day there, Sweetpeasue. Is there anything as regards patterns of pain that are triggers for it being worse rather than better? You use Amitriptyline, dont you?

There is another a-typical anti anti-depressant also used in small doses called Duloxetine which is used for fibromyalgia too
I’mnot recommending it mind, just know of its use for that: I was on it as anti depressant as a sort of experiment and as such didn’t really work for me but was a fairly benign drug.

It’s so sad with your aunt. She really couldn’t cope with home certainly for now. I just hope for a surprise that she will be sort of relieved in the end not to have to face homes’ realities not the idea of it from the past.

(My mum had a stroke and was in a special unit and used to beg my Sis and Bro to take her home but it was not possible at all.)

I hope the skateboard is immediately appreciated and enjoyed. It will be fun to watch him. And a lovely little family occasion.

I never read the books, either, Doodle. I watched on and off. I’d be interested if you liked the books better. Can you concentrate on reading? (How long for? I can’t so admire those who can).

Thinking of absent BD's xx

Good morning all. Not much sleep last night as the past took over my head. Heading back to bed. Hugs to all.

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5th attempt posting...spotless hotel, beautiful weather at 26 degrees, delicious food. Got sunburnt yesterday.
Wyllow3 Glad you spoke with the Psychiatrist. Hope she helps.
SweetpeaSue Sad about your aunt but it's not safe for her to go home really. Enjoy your GS's birthday celebrations. He'll love the skateboard.

Love to ALL BDers.

Oo, what a spot, HVDY - looks gorgeous.
Lovely sunset - but don't let your body get any more sunset pink ☺️
Postcards and pictures always welcome!

Purplepixie when you are trying to change things, which you bravely are, the past has a habit of re-appearing.

Its like your brain, with a new challenge, insists on a review

Go with it and your body is saying rest, rest if you can. Let thoughts come to "process", but if they are too upsetting, take time out and watch something on TV or distract otherwise.

I woke more rested than for some time: I wanted a hot sunny day and the nearby park... OK just even consistently sunny..... to go out for a little walk:

But instead realised the papers on my desk were getting knee high (only just a gross exaggeration) so been dealing with them.

Anyway its hopeless out, sun rain sun rain changing every 15 mins or so and chilly too.

Hi all
SweetPeaSue- hope your DGS has a lovely Birthday. A skate board is a great present- he,ll love it. It,ll be lovely to have tea together - a Birthday Cake too I bet!
Ah poor Auntie- it’s so distressing for you to witness her distress. But her mind is not working like yours so she probably muddles up her home and The home. If the home is a good one there will be lots of activities for her to either just watch or take part in and of course she is safe which is most important.
We are visiting our friend in the home tomorrow. We go with her DB and SiL who we,ve known for many years. It’s easier for all of us as she can change moods at the drop of a hat so we all help each other.
I,m sorry the toll your pain takes on you - it’s a horrible condition to deal with. Hope you can relax and enjoy the Birthday celebrations.
Doodle- we,ve been shopping today - lots of Birthdays on the Horizon! Yesterday I had a walk first thing- it was really nice out . I saw a lady with 2 dogs. One wasn’t any bigger than our cats but the other was a giant. Really furry and absolutely huge like a small Shetland pony. They just looked so cute together.
We did a bit of gardening in the afternoon- an overdoing it day😀
It’s difficult for you just now but you are always so kind and concerned for others woes. We all remember what you went through during that terrible time. Do hope you enjoyed Church today- it’s poured here though.
Wyllow- Ah your poor Mum having a stroke- it must have been so difficult for you and your Sis and Brother to field off her unhappy requests.
I,m a bit like you I,ve not been good at concentrating on books for a while. I have one on the go and I love it but it’s taking ages when I would have finished it already.
I,m glad you had a restful sleep- just what you needed. Hope you,ve scaled the paper mo7ntain by now.
PurplePixie- hope you,ve managed to quiet down your thoughts after a better sleep. It’s the Whatifferies isn’t it that prod your head.
HVDY- looks a lovely place and perfect temperature. Get some cream on those legs!! Nice pair of pins by the way.
So pleased it all sounds just what you needed- all that lovely food and all you have to do is turn up- just the job!!
Nadateturbe- how are you? Xx

Love to all - and those who just read

EllieAnne- not forgetting you- hope you’re doing OK this weekxx

Wyllow Yes, sun,rain, sun ,rain here too.
Sorry yo hear of your mum having the stroke and needing the care when wanting to go home. Its awful to not be able to do anything to help ,that must have been very hard indeed.
HVDY Oooh those legs dont need any more sun. Great legs, though! Thanks for the photos, enjoy your time there.
Purplepixie The past often seems to start reeling itself during the night , I find. So annoying and why does it usually seem to be the things we'd rather forget? Hope you got more rest in.
DoodleEllieAnne Hope you're OK.
Scardycatlovely posts to us all as usual. Thankyou. You well un derstand the way Dementia/Alzheimers works - its true moods can change quickly. Must be easier visiting in a group- it gets difficult at times ,with some halts in conversation. We're visiting aunt tomorrow.

Just short post as feeli g shattered. Book group this afternoon ,left early to pick up DGS from school and on to son's where he opened presents. Then meal out and birthday cake brought in. Left them ,DGS and StepDGD playing on their skateboards.
Hope all have a peaceful night.x

Sweetpeasue I know, one minute they’re babies and the next grown up driving and getting jobs. Hope your DGS had a happy 11th birthday. Rest tonight. You’ve had a full on day.

Wyllow it’s been a long time but I am starting to be able to concentrate on a book again. Not able to read for hours like I used to but at least I can find a book interesting again and can read some in the evening. Big improvement for me. I have to be firm with myself and not allow myself to get irritable or distracted. I just try to immerse myself in the book. I get mine online from the Libby app so unless it grips me in the first couple of chapters I send it back and get another.
HVDY what a lovely place. Looks beautiful. Relax and enjoy.
Scaredycat good idea to visit your friend with other people. It helps to keep the chat going and get over awkward periods.
Sounds like you had a nice day yesterday. Yes church was good today but we had the heaviest of downpours during the service that drowned out everything. Nice afternoon with two of the neighbours.
Purplepixie I had a bad night last night too. Bit like you but mainly deafening tinnitus of high pitch. Took me ages to get off. Hope you sleep better tonight.

I hope that your visit tomorrow goes as well as it might, Scaredycat. I hope your overdoing it day doesn't cost too much on the morrow...

Doodle - That is an enormous stop forward - well done on working on that concentration to read. What are you fining you most can concentrate on reading - I'd be interested to know.

That sounds like a fab time with the family, Sweetpeasue, but no wonder you are all done in.

I have been in my nightie all day: slept: yes the paper heap is now shrunk, and some plans made: my DS contacted me 5ish evening and he is coming to a conference next Tuesday so will stay at mine and we'll get a natter in when he comes here.

DS all to myself, It just never happens because really of DGD, L has always got to have someone with her so...

It means getting the futon out of the attic, as I have 2 bedrooms so bedroom 2 is sort of crafts/clothes storage as no room for that in my sunny back bedroom. (He'll drop off to sleep on anything).

It wasn't quite like that with my Mum. You see, we all expected her to recover when she was in the stroke unit
My Doc sis fully expected her to recover and went away on holiday for 2 weeks abroad and so on.

Also she didnt ask me, which is just as well as I was in one of my most depressive periods at the time tho I never, ever let on, but she was closer to my younger sis and bro anyway - but I drove over to see her alone twice a week or with then DH. then what happened was she suddenly had another stroke, was back in hospital not the unit.

I was the only one to visit at that time by coincidence; the last family member: the only one with any faith too (she didnt).

She had lost her speech and was tearing and clutching at the bedclothes angrily (or frustration - who can know?).

She managed to say to me "I want to go" No-one will ever know what she meant, but I just held her hand and said, I know, its OK.

She then died the next night and we all knew what her life would be like to her had she survived - horrendous. She'd been so very active and mentally all there.

Oh my I am so glad she never had known I'd tried to take my own life (70 paracetamol) a year before) and never known how bad I was.

So well I sort of feel - glad I did what I was able to? Not sad: glad she didn't have to live with the appalling situation she had fallen to.

That sounded so tough Wyllow3. I cried reading it.
I’ve had a tough day. I stayed in bed this morning and a friend phoned this afternoon. I’m hoping to see her in June. She lives 200 miles away. I didn’t feel cheered up. I couldn’t stop crying once I finished talking to her because I felt so lonely. DH stayed in his garage until teatime. I could have been a stranger sat having tea. He hardly spoke. I’m Fedup with this situation. I’m tired and lonely.

Oh wow purple pixie ! That’s why we rarely eat together. There’s nothing to say and I get stressed and don’t enjoy anything I eat.

We all have these stories tucked away Purplepixie which have shaped us. (That was a very ordinary one, was it not? Of far greater pain and anguish for her avoided after a long life)

I was just about to say what EllieAnne did with her in mind when hello EA inn you pop. (wave) Yes, living with someone who ignores you can be far far worse than living alone.

I often feel acutely lonely, but then something nice or better happens
and I don't have to worry about someone else's reaction or be made to feel inadequate.

At this point on BD Purplepixie someone often says, oh do try anti'd's. But it's a very personal choice. but not being able to be cheered up by nice things at all - well it is a bit of a sign for that sort of help if it carries on? BTW, being able to cry is very painful, but some find it all choked up, better out than in (in reasonable amounts xxx)

I am determined to get out today as was in all yesterday, tho very productive with paperwork and yesterday evening could feel myself slipping into yuk put on U tube songs and started moving around a bit and in the end had a sort of "move and singalong" Belted out some angry numbers and some softer ones.

I just hope anyone passing the house only heard the TV.

I did manage to get a bit of sleep then I sewed together my finished jumper. I’ll get back later. Off to sort out my next project and stop my head from going places that it shouldn’t be going.

Wyllow I tend to read thrillers or mystery. Not emotional things or things with loads of dialogue. I’m reading The Ark Files at the moment.
I find sitting down when I’m feeling low just lets me concentrate in being miserable, the more I move and do things the better I feel. I hope you belted out some good numbers.
Purplepixie that’s an amazing jumper. I love cable. Beautiful colour. Your life sounds very sad and lonely. Has your relationship been like this long? Do you ever do anything social together.
Ellie Anne not much of a life for you either, you live pretty much separate lives in the same house.
HVDY hope the holiday going well.
Sweetpeasue hope you and DH have had a restful day today with no troubling pain or problems.
I won’t be back in tonight I’m on duty at church., not sure how long the service goes in for . Just hope I can stay awake.

Wyllow Oh its times like those, when your mum was in hospital, that one never forgets. Im so sorry, I too remember my mum wanting to go home but never did. It must have been so very hard for you during your own break down - with your sis away too.
Keep listening to your music , so healing for you.
Purplepixie Your situation is so sad, like * EllieAnne*s and it must be a very isolating and lonely life. As Doodle says , has it always been so ? Having a meal opposite each other at the table with so many things going round your head yet being unspoken. Im so sorry sending uou a warm hug.
Amazing jumper - Ive never attempted cable - it looks so hard you must have a lot of patience.
Doodle We've not been too bad today painwise thanks. Hope your church service goes well and is not too tiring.
Scardycat Hope youve been OK today.

Saw my aunt and left her with eyes brimming at a table in the dining room where dinner was about to be served. Her room is basic. Most of residents all much worse than her. Can't write how awful it all is - Im beyond sad. ( her DD is trying desperately to get her somewhere else)

Love to all. X

Oh, It doesn't sound a good place, Sweetpeasue - I'm sure there is better - yes, DD needs to get onto it - it is complicated... is it a hospital discharge decision not a local SSD one atm?
Does your DiL who works with dementia iirc have any ideas?

Quick look up

"Top Recommended Voluntary Phone Lines"

Age UK Advice Line (0800 678 1602): This is a free, national, and widely recommended helpline available 8am–7pm, 365 days a year. They offer advice on choosing care homes, paying for care, benefits entitlements (like Attendance Allowance), and financial assessments.

Independent Age (0800 319 6789): Provides free advice on care, money, and housing, with a dedicated helpline available Monday–Friday, 8.30am–5.30pm. They offer detailed advice on finding the right care home and funding options.

(back later)

Wyllow Thankyou so much for offering all this practical help.
The thing is , its not my own place to offer advice and my cousin, aunt's youngest DD who is a very capable person ( and wife of a vicar) is doing her best in quite difficult circumstances. We dont communicate with each other on a personal level , but just ,at present, via occasional text. She let me know by text thus morning, that she didnt feel her mum was in the right place and it was too depressing for my aunt as the other residents had severe dementia. Seems its a place for only dementia patients.
Thankyou Wyllow.

Oh, she sounds really capable Sweetpeasue, in that role - I'm so very glad. There will be a lot of money complications to sort out.

I hope I have the courage and ability to sort out being in a flat and supported and so on in time and just not leave it. Easier said than done.
I have chosen the place and by losing a % on your house value they will sell you home and move you and pack and unpack and so on. (McCarthy and Stone)

PurplePixie that jumper is amazing and lovely and cuddly, you work so quickly, its seems no time since it was a ball of wool. All the best with Head Control xx

That was what I read Doodle in the long depression - thrillers - without too many feelings but good characters. I've got a lot of David Baldacci stashed away upstairs. (you tried him? Start with the Camel Club Series or King and Maxwell series..
...John Gresham.
The other big thriller writers. what I can guarantee is if I have to start reading them again, I will not remember many bits but just familiar enough. I was also able to watch Death in Paradise and Montalbano. ...Prego..Ciao!

I expect you will be very tired after church but I hope it was a good session there.

I'm so tired have almost forgotten most of today, as I didnt sleep in the afternoon, but it included the gym, a coffee and nice vegan roll in the Park, very short walk as it was sunny, and a half hour meeting. Did get the Statement from the psychologist and psychiatrist re MrA - will say more tomorrow...I predict my main problem at the Zoom will be GUILT poor MrA blah blah he did so many good things in his past and he's getting on now and misses the meeting so much blah blah.

I shall take the guilt dilemma to. Sis, who has a good dollop herself, part of the family inheritance. (I bet I'm not the only one in here with it)