Black Dog 24

Doodle Just seen your post.
How kind and thoughtful of the man to order a replacement of your lost silver heart and not charge. There are good people out there and it does one good to know it.
Rhankyou for your concern - we just have to keep on. I've been counting the days and wishing days forward for appts all last year , which means not living in the present, to a certain degree- always thinking of the light at the end of the tunnel. This next Vascular appt and Hand Surgeon one are important so I hope we'll be taken seriously as the last Vascular appt was a complete waste of time and a huge disappointment for us , aswell as our GP.
I'm glad your bereavement counselling was worthwhile and you got on well with her. It must help so much when people have their own experience and others experiences of such a huge loss. Warm hug Doodle. x

Doodle Forgot to mention- what is it you're sewing?

Doodle Thanks for your message. Glad the counselling helped you, people keep telling me I should have counselling, but having to go through the whole sad story and events, I just can’t bear it. Yes I work every day, around school hours, the girls have good and bad days at school. Sorry to hear about your heart from the bracelet but what a kind man, kindness is much needed isn’t it. It’s good that you are able to get another heart, that it’s possible.
Sweetpeasue thank you, yes worries definitely go round my head when I try to sleep. Sorry to hear about the stress and worry about your DHs appointments,and for him, hope the next ones help and they can do something. So hard isn’t it to stay positive all the time. I had to do that.

Elvera1 You must have needed that sleep. I wake up during the night and often lie there overthinking things for an hour or more. It's maddening. Are your girls pleased to be back at school, seeing friends? Are your cats related? All the cats I ever had were rescues or strays.

Doodle DH and I are very greedy (that's why we're so fat) and he eats beige food, nothing very healthy at all. We're going to try SlimFast (I bought a couple of tins) twice a day and one proper meal, no snacks in between. It was kind of the man to say the heart would be sent free to you.

SweetpeaSue Your doll sounds so charming. Will you give her a name? My symptoms point more towards Asthma - worse in the evening/night, a dry, unproductive cough, so I'll see how I feel in a couple more days. Glad you had a slightly better day.

My brother texted me (he only ever does so when he's got a problem), said his wife's care home is closing at the end of this month (they have been in "special measures" since October and were even mentioned on the local news and in our local newspaper). The residents are being moved to a place in South Nottingham (I'm North, he's West, so is his wife at the moment). Tried ringing him, 4 times. Straight to voicemail (he's switched his mobile off).

Now I've got conjunctivitis as well. .
Hope ALL Ders hae a restful night x

HowVeryDareYou2. I have a lot of trouble getting to sleep, once you wake up in the night it’s hard to get back to sleep isn’t it.
The girls are pleased to see their friends but not getting up early lol.
Yes our cats are brother and sister, we got them from a neighbours cat who’d had kittens. I’d never looked after kittens before, they certainly were fun, running along the back of the sofa, up the curtains and chasing each other around!

Oh no not good news. Not good that your brothers not answering you either. Very frustrating not knowing. Hope you manage to get through.
Conjunctivitis is horrible isn’t it, hope it clears up soon.
My eyes have been irritated a lot lately, keep watering all the time. People keep thinking I’m crying. They’re a bit better now.

Dry January hasn’t even started yet 🥃

I’m glad you had a little something to drink so that you slept better, HVDY. I dont think you’ll change your brother alas! DH has been doing so well with the machine. Losing weight is hard. Just caught your post about SiL and the home - so sorry xx

Nice to get that walk on the beach, Lucyd and that the sun shone. (It’s clockwise) should do it more. I hope you dont get burst pipes.

It’s a lovely thing to imagine, Scaredycat, the little houses. Hard those times when you want the energetic Scardycat back.

The drive sounded scary, Elveral, well done.

I’m sorry your counselling has ended, Doodle. She sounded very caring and honest. Good sewing there. How nice of that man! wishing for “answers” for you and DH this time.

Sweetpeasue Runswick Bay and Robin Hoods Bay is a favourite. When I was 18 I worked at Raven Hall Hotel in the hols and it was posh country house stuff back then. Hugs for the aches.

As long as you need a little drink ellieAnne dont be hard on yourself.

I did get out to the supermarket, the roads a bit dodgy but OK, got 2 ready meals again, tum not too bad, but mood so weary and low still - hair loss, weight on cos of meds...how it is...just hang on in there with me

Night night all xx

I don't feel as if I'm coping. Everything as become so difficult, the things I could do now. I can't and my only family , is my son who tells me to move by him in a village with no amenities, but he wouldn't be seeing me unless it was an emergency. My house is needing attention and I will now have to pay for garden. I should move to a flat or retirement place but I feel I would be more depressed without my garden to look at and all tge stress of estate agents.
I know many of you struggle with your emotional health and other health issues and mine must seem petty.. I think being on your in when. you are used to doing things and company us more damaging to health than anything.

Hi all
HVDY- what a great success the CPAP machine has been for your DH. He must be really pleased.
At least if you try the Slimfast together it won’t be so bad- will that be beige too?
Oh dear that’s a worry about your SiL home. It must be so frustrating trying to communicate with your Brother. You do your best but you have enough on your plate - it’s ultimately his responsibility. But I know you are fond of your SiL and want her to be comfortable and accessible.
You sound a bit run down health wise- conjunctivitis on top of everything else- Life can be a b…..r can’t it.
Elveral- must have done you good to have a better sleep.
You are very brave coping as you do- snow driving is not easy. But each achievement helps build your confidence.
I felt the same as you about counselling- I tried several times but as you said having to recount terrible events repeatedly was not for me. Having your girls and a job you enjoy is good therapy in itself.
I think you are doing really well - those what ifs and worries that go round and round in your head in the dark hours will ease eventually but as many of us here find they are never far away.
Doodle- yesterday was just too nasty to go out wasn’t it. I,m glad your counsellor has been a help for you- she sounds kind yet practical. Of course the grief will always be with you and there will be times when it will hit you like a sledgehammer but you will find a kind of peace and joy in life again. You have a great capacity for humour too I think.
What a lovely act of kindness from the ‘heart’ man- it,ll be comforting to have your little heart back again.
Hope,the weather is OK for Church tomorrow- is it warm in your Church?
SweetPeaSue- your friend described exactly’pools of light’ that’s what it is. It’s funny isn’t it but as soon as you put a face on anything it becomes a little person. Can’t wait to meet your little doll.
Your solar balloon light sounds interesting- we just got some stick in lights that look like star bursts. All we need is the sun now 🌞
I,m sorry you both have so much discomfort but pleased you have been able to get out a bit again.
EllieAnne- you can always wait and try a dry February!! Be kind to yourself .
Wyllow- glad you could get out to the shops and also that you are still trying some different foods. Nice to have a treat sometimes.
Winter does make us all feel more weary I think- the endless gloom and cold is draining. Don’t worry about a bit of weight - it’s better than getting too thin.Did you try the hair thickening stuff?
Definitely hanging on in there with you . It feels like now the spectre of Christmas and NY have gone you are not so overwhelmed.
Hope your nice carer is back soon.
Allsorts - I feel for you. Everything is getting on top of you and causing you distress. I think you’re right a move to a small village with no amenities wouldn’t be a good idea although it’s nice that your Son is concerned for you. As we get older we need everything nearby .
The retirement flats are lovely . My friend has a Churchill one and it really is light,bright and comfortable. There is a communal garden and lots of trees and a balcony to enjoy the nice weather and watch the world go by. It might be worth a look at one.
Your worries are not petty and what you say about loneliness is so right. There are no comparisons,no judgement,no unkindness here - I,m glad you came in.
Love to all

Elvera1 Getting up early when it's dark out isn't nice. My GDs (13 and 10) are up at 6.30, then have a mile to walk to school (they go in different directions to different schools). Our first cat was a 3-month-old kitten that someone had let out in a thunderstorm, and she used to climb the curtains too . I often moan on here about my brother - I could write a book about him! Hope your eyes are less problematic. Mine water (optician said I've got dry eyes) and I have Blepharitis too. Hope today has been good for you.

EllieAnne Don't deny yourself any pleasures. Have a drink, eat some chocolate, whatever makes you a bit happier.

Wyllow I've got some teddy bear fleece sheets and put one on the bed last night. So soft and cosy, I slept for about 6 hours straight. Well done on getting some meals. We're all hanging on with you. I wish we all lived near to each other, I'd be offering you my help.

Allsorts Loneliness must be awful. How about contacting AgeUK for a companion? They can often match a volunteer to people like you and do once-a-week visits or even just a 'phone call. Being in a retirement flat that is warden-aided might be a good option for you. You'd have your own place but have close nighbours and a warden (they're usually part-time, I did that job) to call in to see you if you were unwell or needed something.

ScaredyCat The CPAP machine has made a huge difference. I'm going to have chocolate SlimFast, he'll have a banana one. My brother is impossible to help, so I'm not going to keep texting and ringing. He can contact me (or not). You are so kind and thoughtful towards everyone on here . I hope your day is going well.

LittleGirl was here at 7.30. After breakfast and a play, we went to the playgroup at the care home. She loves it there. We had lunch at home, she refused to have a nap, and then was collected at 3. All tidy and quiet here again now . Love to ALL BDers x

Good Evening Everyone.

Unfortunately I’m still spending a lot of my time in bed with this lurgy. I have just got up for a change of scenery, beginning to feel like a hermit, looking like a tramp so have showered and washed my hair!! Hopefully will turn the corner soon.

Lovely to keep up to date with all your news.

Elveral, like you once I awake in the night I find it so hard to get back to sleep, I become very anxious and negative about the life I have now. Do you find being back at work is helping, sometimes routine is a good thing. Hope the girls continue to go to school and have support when needed from school…I hear what you say about counselling, it does bring back some traumatic memories…
Sweetpeasue…..I certainly agree with you about opening up and bearing our souls on this thread….its wonderful and helps us all.
Doodle, you sound as if you’ve been busy, good for you, hope it’s helped. I’m going to our village panto next week, DH and myself always went, very funny and lots of ad libs. I hope you’ve really benefitted from your counselling, can you go back if you need to. We do have some sort of ‘support group’ in the village but I’m not sure that’s for me….
HVDY I hope your DH continues to make progress, do you like cooking, trying new healthy recipes?
Willow3 I’m sending you much love and strength, keep posting on here, everyone is here to support each other.
Lucyd…..I love a walk on the beach, both my AC live by the sea and it has helped me beyond words to walk along the beach, particularly when DH was in the hospice….
All sorts…sending love and strength to you.
I do apologie for not mentioning you all by name but send you all love and strength. ❤️💐🙏

Sorry but not good to write much tonight.
Just want to thank everyone for kind words and support in your posts.
Also thinking of all BDs old and new friends too, and sending love and hoping you have a peaceful night and relief from heartaches and worries.x

Sweetpeasue I’ve got one of those lights. Had it for years. It’s out on my balcony now. Is yours a colour changing one? Mine is and is glowing lovely purple at the moment.
Distraction helps with all sorts of thing but you’re right your DH shouldn’t be in pain like this.
You’re still having aches and pains too. All this stress isn’t helping. Getting closer to the 21st.
Make sure you have all your questions ready and all the things you want to say. Just re reading your post is it work trying to get your DH’s GP to put down some questions for the vascular consultant to answer, You really need to get to the bottom of this. Sorry I know you know that.
I’m sewing a table mat for my friends birthday.
HVDY you must go to the Gp about your shortness of breath. Evening and night is one of the questions they ask. If your inhalers aren’t helping they need to know. Please do not wait to see if it gets worse. Asthma attacks are serious and you want to avoid that as much as possible.
Hope your DH’s appointment went ok.
Elveral I think counselling might help you. It’s not necessarily going over everything again but you have been so busy taking care of the girls and working I wonder if you’ve had any time to grieve yourself. Perhaps it might help you.
Wyllow good you got out and did some shopping. Don’t worry about everything all the time. Maybe concentrate on what you can do and not what you can’t control. If the meds are making you put in weight and lose your hair but you need them then you need to try and think more about getting to a point where you can cut down. My meds make me put on weight too. Sorry I’m not nagging I just care about you.
Ellie Anne dry January is not happening here either. Have you resolved the issue with your DH?

Allsorts no problems or worries in this thread are ever thought of as petty or trivial. All are equal. If it causes you distress then it’s important to you.
It is a bit of a predicament. Do you have friends or activities around where you currently live. If so, moving near your son if he’s not going to see you isn’t much help.
What about a retirement home with a communal lounge and garden. Perhaps visit a few places and see if you can find something you like. Some places offer a trial period or do rentals. If you’re not sure maybe you could try renting your house out and renting a place for a while to see how you get on. You have my utmost sympathy. Being on your own is no fun.
HVDy I did slimfast diet once and it was quite successful. Sorry about your SIl. Not nice for her to have to move. Will it be far to visit?
Scaredycat thank you so much. I needed a positive word today. It’s been one of those sledgehammer days you mention. Not a great deal of crying just a few times but a real sense of worry about how i can keep going. It’s an emotion I can’t even describe but I expect you know only too well. A sort of what is there in life for me now plus so much thinking of DH and how much I miss him. Everywhere I went today were reminders and each one had me struggling. I’m nearly 8 months along this journey now and still rock bottom some days.
It’s so good to hear you talking about finding peace and joy in life again. It’s hard to imagine now but hearing it from you does help. Thank you so much.
NannyG4 that’s how I feel too a lot of the time. Yes I can go back for more counselling if I need it. When you say support group in the village do you mean for those bereaved? I go to our church one and I must say find it very comforting to be with other like minded people.
I quite often frighten myself how much the future bothers me. What on Earth am I going to do with myself every day. I have no idea. Plus the just missing DH. That alone just makes me miserable. We’ll get through together somehow, other do and so will we. Like Scaredycat says we hope for peace and joy in the future.
Sweetoeasue I’m so sorry you feel so bad tonight. Sending you a big hug.
Nadateturbe Candy and others not mentioned. Hope you’re getting on ok.

NannyG4 Sorry you're still not well. Having a shower and changing your nightwear might help you feel a bit more human again. Hope you get better soon. I like trying lots of different foods, but DH doesn't. There are about 6 things he'll eat, so it gets very boring. I used to have Gousto and Hello Fresh at one time, but he didn't like anything . I kept the recipe cards so I'll have a look and buy the necessary ingredients.

Doodle I am Asthmatic, although only affected when I get a cold or the weather is cold. Thanks, I will contact the GP again in a day or 2. Going to hospital with Son2 and him being an in-patient many times as a child was very frequent (12 times in one year alone one awful year). SIL will be 12 miles from me, 8 miles from my brother. The home looks lovely on their website. You're doing so well, but it must be hard for you. Your loving sons and grandchildren, as well as your friends and neighbours, will keep you going. They all need you. As Wyllow says, Koko. x

SweetpeaSue Thinking of you, hope you're back on here tomorrow and have a better day x

DH is out with Son1 this evening, so Jaffa and I have been having a quiet evening. Love to ALL. x

Shouldn't be posting again but have read such genuinely caring words that I'm so grateful for.
My living situation is quite bad- neighbour attached to our semi is a dire situation- noise. DG extremely angry today and worried about his BP.
Just thankyou again for caring words. I don't know what I'd do without them
Today had phone call from previous counsellor that I was so frightened of leaving at the time. She had come back to work after Christmas and had seen letter from my previous GP ( now retjred) to a Gynaecologist that was complicit in cover up. She wanted to know how I wanted to deal with it. I assured her it was a copy and it was OK to destroy.
Thing is I had a bit of a meltdown just hearing her voice. She was so kind to.me at such a crucial time. I went over ever6that happened in the cover up of the things that went wrong. It was such a harrowing time that I went right back , just by hearing her voice.
Made me realise just how bad I was at the time and how desperate I was. Also how bad the medical profession can be.
I'll never ever forget, yet I realise I'm much further on about feeling a victim.

Having said that, I really do feel my DHs health has deteriorated because of witnessing my own pain. I , in return, have now got ( waiting to be diagnosed by specialist) Fibromyalgia , which think is because of extreme stress of DHs health.
I'm so glad BD has been here for me.and just thankyou for all your help.
Night all.x

I've just read and followed all your posts today. So much honesty and understanding. Doodleyou express it so well

Left it too late, back in tomorrow, had an ostrich dressing gown day, carer tomorrow just hope not snow/ice to stop getting out.

Lots of hugs, see you tomorrow BD's.

NannyG4 I often worry about 'opening our souls' on this thread, but somehow it helps to be able to say things we can't to others in our lives. Also, with others in lonely situations, there are no ' others'.
Oh I do hope you will be feeling better soon. I hear on the news so many poorly people coming down with illness this time of year. Take care of yourself.
* Doodle* Sending you lots of love.You are so good to think of others when you are struggling so much. Wish there was something I could say to help. You have my prayers ( though hard sometimes to keep faith, yet I somehow do).
Wyllow I hope you manage to get out today with carer. Wondering if it's the new one or the one you are more familiar with and you really get on well with.
Allsort Sending love. So awful to feel lonely. One can feel lonely when one is alone with problems but I can only imagine the loneliness when you are alone without your other half. Doodle is so right in that everyone is equal here as to their own fears and worries. It doesn't matter what it is , we all care. It must be so hard for you. Fwiw I think you are right to be wary of moving to a village without any 'amenities' . You need to have others around you. ( says me, who has a habit of isolating myself!) Sending a hug and hope you have a better day tomorrow.

Hvdy the situation isn’t really resolved. After he’s been nasty like this( his voice changes and he sounds like a different person) he just acts as if nothing has happened. He brought up me shouting at him but I only do that because he doesn’t hear but I don’t often and it’s frustrating because he won’t use his hearing aids. It’s not an angry shouting but i won’t do it again.
Return the situation is worse now.
Yesterday I was helping at my church thing and struggling to put a face on. I did speak to one friend but she doesn’t get it.
My friend with the family problems is in hospital. Been losing weight and hardy eating for a while. There seems to be a blockage. Waiting for test results but I don’t think it’s going to be good news. She’s 84 .

Thank you all for your kind suggestions. I'm such an independent person and don’t accept my limitations, once I feel in a better place I shelve my worries.
A lot of you know Whiff, who through this forum has become a very dear friend. At the moment she is having a rough time, so it might be a day or two before she is posting but will be reading our posts, I send you my love Whiff and know this hurdle you will get through like all the others you have had, I know everyone else feels the same, so get well soon dear friend.

Oh dear Whiff we are all here for you. You are such a brave lady and have been through so much. I hope whatever it is that roubles you has a good outcome soon and you are feeling better.
Thank you Allsorts for letting us know.
Sweetpeasue is your DH angry about the noise from next door? Have you tried contacting the council if it’s that bad.
You are both under so much stress at the moment it’s not surprising you cried with you counsellor. Is there a chance you can speak to her again? You have come a long way since your early days of posting so don’t forget that.
Ellie Anne I do hope things settle down between you and your DH. Do you think it’s possible it’s a misunderstanding you shouting at him to make yourself heard and him just thinking that your shouting. I’m so sorry about your friend I know you care about her. I hope it’s not bad news.
HVDY hope your breathing is better today. I’m pleased your SIls new home looks good on the website. Let’s hope it’s good in real life too.
Scaredycat I’ve been to church this morning. I find it a big help being able to light a candle and pray for DH and others who are suffering. It’s too cold here for a walk today so I’m taking my friend to hospital for and X-ray and then we are going to the new hospice shop to check it out,
Hope you are doing ok and keeping safe and warm x

SweetpeaSue What kind of noise from next door? Shouting, music, children? Could one of you go round and have a quiet word with them? Or complain to the council? I understand what you say about how you suffered medical negligence and damage. I've been the same but am over the anger and fear of it all now. There is no other way to live than to somehow comes to terms with things that happened.
You're doing that but in your case, you were left with lasting physical damage. I do hope you and your husband have some better health soon, I really do. You both have so much to cope with.

Wyllow3 It's so cold and frosty out, it's not worth going out unless really necessary anyway. I hope you have the company of the carer you like today, though.

EllieAnne My DH and I shout at each other now and then - I think it's down to being frustrated/bored with each other and spending too much time together. It's a shame your husband doesn't go out much occasionally. Has he got any friends and/or hobbies that would get him out of the house? Hope it isn't bad news for your friend.

Allsorts Whiff is a strong lady who overcomes obstacles with courage and determination. I wish her well.

Doodle I was coughing and wheezing for hours last night (not so much during the day). Thanks, I'll do an e-consult tomorrow morning.

Saw my friend for lunch at a garden centre. Chatted a lot. It's very frosty out, gritter lorries are out and about already today. Hope ALL BDers ar ok x

*Allsorts, thankuou for letting us.know about Whiff.
Whiff Wishing you all the strength and love it takes to get over whatever this hurdle is. You've had so many in life and sending a warm hug.

Been to GP today and been advised to up my Amitriptyline a bit to see if it helps with the pain that might be Fibro. He says my explanations of how it's disrupting everyday life is ' textbook' ( his words)- appt with Rheumatologist in June.
HVDY Hoping you get some feedback tomorrow - your asthma difficulties must be so exhausting and robbing you of much needed sleep.
Thanks I am so much further on with how the cover up affected me- It was when I heard the counsellor's voice unexpectedly ( been well over a Yr now) it reminded of where I was back then and I was shocked to realise how bad I was , so the memories were very scary.
Doodle Hope you've had a nice afternoon with your friend today.
The counsellor I had was not in the NHS MH system and not qualified psychologist or psychiatrist like the place I've been over the last year. It was an independent place - very limited time allotted for people .She was a lovely lady .

Difficult to say too much about noise problem from next door. One of their children with very limited abilities due to neurological illness and bangs a lot ( which we understand) but metal gates on doorways and our dividing walls so thin.... Also have 3 dogs that don't get exercised and lots of barking when left.
DH taking BP readings for a week for GPs because of extra medication and it was top figure of 192 yesterday when dogs were left barking.

Sorry , I wish I could address everyone but so tired. Sorry if I've gone on - just trying to answer.

Sending love to everyone and wishing you all strength and peace.