Black dog 21

Hi all, sorry been absent but came away to our caravan and some family members staying on the same site too. Our internet is poor at the best of times but it’s barely there at all this week because of the amount of people on site. I haven’t therefore had the chance to catch up properly but just popping in while I can to say I’m thinking of you all and hope all are doing ok. Back Sunday so will catch up properly next week. Just hope this posts🤞. Love to all xx

Candy No need for concern about not posting. We're glad you can be away after all your time taken with work.
Nadateturbe Sorry your eyes are still so bad. It must be so annoying and hard for you . Hope it doesn't spoil your enjoyment of art too much. Thankyou for your concern. I've been fine today, just so worried about DH.
Scaredycat What thoughtful post to all and your words to Doodle made me cry, they were so heart-felt. I just don't know how you got through such an absolutely terrible time and you don't show any resentful feelings of your lot in life. You are so understanding of our worries too. x
Wyllow I wish so much you could turn a corner and things were a little easier for you. Of course it would be good for you to believe that carer could help but it's not necessary- please give it a try . It must be so wearying waking up every day and feeling as you do. I hope tomorrow you feel as if what the health worker says about having someone help you a little feels worth a try. x
Doodle Sending love as always and hoping you find strength to get through all of this. Just want to give you a hug and wish I could do more. x

Hope everyone has had the best day they can.
I'm fine today and thankyou all for caring. Just DH still. It's not just headaches it's like he can't think or move at normal speed or think straight because of the complete fatigue.
Setting off for the wedding venue tomorrow morning and will stay overnight after evening 'do'. So worried about DH.
Take care all.x

nadateturbe I so agree with you. We worry so much about things at times when we should just enjoy the occasion and not be so anxious.
HVDY no it’s not daft at all. Yes I do cuddle his clothes. I have often heard people say what they’d give for a few more minutes with their loved one and I now know what they mean. It’s not that I’d tell him anything I haven’t said a hundred times it’s just to be with him again.
I’ve had a reasonable day today. Been really busy which has helped. Had both our sons round for a bit earlier which was nice. Looking at old photos.
Whiff love your fox. That is so good.
Wyllow I hope things went well today. Please don’t give up hope. We have to keep going even if we don’t want to.
Scaredycat glad your GGD had a good day. My DGd makes cakes too.
Thank you for your kind words. It is hard to get through every day but some days are easier than others. I realise I haven’t fully accepted how things are yet and I keep trying to put off thinking about it as it makes me panic. Family are being wonderful. You’ve been through so much yourself it’s kind of you to think of me and help with your own experiences,
Ellie Anne I agree with Scaredycat I am back in the antidepressants and I’m hoping they are going to help as they have before.
Candy lovely to hear from you hope you and your family having a lovely time at the caravan.
Sweetpeasue please do try and relax and enjoy the wedding. Once it is over you can make your DH the priority and get him to be seen. Do hope the wedding goes well and you enjoy it,

Caught up all xx and now to tired to write. Hard to say if a worker will help or not, its a process with assessments etc.

Love and night night xx
koko all xx

SweetpeaSue What a horrible time you had, with the bowel problem and vomitingas well. I hope things have settled now. The little cat is a brown colour. It's a female, and obviously not owned (unless the owner is very uncaring and neglectful).

SweetpeaSue Hope all goes well with the wedding, and that you and your husband can enjoy the occasion. It will mean a lot to your son and his new wife for you to share in their happy day.
Wyllow3 How did your day go? I hope having a worker will help you. I hope you'll benefit from having extra help. We all want you to recover.
ScaredyCat You and your family went through a terrible time. Your strength is clear and yet you care so much about others.
Doodle Thinking of you, as I do every day. Your loving family will help you through everything. You'll all support each other.
Nadateturbe Hope your eyes are feeling better.
Candy6 Hope you're having a lovely time at your caravan. Nice to meet up with family there.

DH and I are going to spend the day with our eldest GD (almost 13). It'll be nice to spend some one-to-one time with her.

Love to ALL BDers today x

HVDY its lovely that your GD wants to spend time with you. You're obviously great GPs.

I do hope you're enjoying today .Sweetpeasue.xx

nadateturbe Thanks. She lives with Son1 and his GF, but they were both at work all day, so she would have been alone. How are you feeling today?

How's everyone been? DH and I picked up GD1 at 10.30, brought her here, played board games, and then had lunch at a pub. Went to an indoor trampoline place - she enjoyed it. It was packed and very noisy. Went to B&M, got a few things, then took her back home and played with their lovely dog. Just got in.

I’m wondering how the Wedding went and hoping so much that you had a good day Sweetpeasue .
Wyllow I hope something helps you soon. I’m feeling very low at the moment and it’s now easy is it. x
HVDY what a lovely day you’ve had with your DGD. I bet she enjoyed being the centre of your attention. I hope she’s more settled now.
Is your other DGd still with her mum?
nadateturbe hope you’ve had a good day.

Doodle Yes, she's a lovely girl, getting on well at school and home now. The other GD still lives with her mum, but is with her dad (Son1) all weekend (4 weekends on the trot now as mum has got a boyfriend ). How are you today?

HVDY I’m pleased both your DGDs are ok. Family is so important.
To be honest I don’t know how I am. I have thought in the past how I’d cope without DH but I never imagined anything like this. I suppose I didn’t want to face it. I’m still not facing it. I try to think of something else if I get upset rather than face reality. I am tempted to drink myself to sleep every night but don’t. Mornings are worst. Night times bring a glass of wine and hopefully oblivion for a bit. The thought of years like this is terrifying yet I know that is what it will be. Sorry, I bet you wish you hadn’t asked now 🤣

Candy- must be lovely all together at the caravans. Enjoy the weekend- hope it’s warmer there than here- it’s freezing.
SweetPeaSue- hope you,ve had a lovely day at the Wedding.
Wishing your Son and his new wife a long and happy marriage.
Doodle- better not to think of the years ahead- just the immediate days ahead. Of course you have imagined what it would be like but nothing really prepares us for these devastating times. Yes if you can distract yourself and think of other things it helps- it takes time to learn a new way of life.
The Art classes will help - and you will find it very absorbing.
Not to mention meet some nice new people. Hopefully the weather will get better and you,ll be able to recover your own physical strength in the warmer days.
HVDY- what a nice day you have had with your DGD.I,m glad she is doing well - your Son must be very proud of her.
Hope your legs aren’t so troublesome now - how is DH?
Wyllow- hope yesterday went well - it must be tiring for you. Lots of emotions and talking too. As HVDY says we all want you to recover and care for you so much.
Goodnight to all and peaceful sleepxx

Doodle I've heard other people say similar things. My brother says he feels as though he's grieving, although his wife hasn't died, but is slowly "disappearing" with Alzheimer's. He's 77. Having a glass of wine to help you sleep is understandable, and if it helps you to sleep or get through the night, why not? I selfishly hope that I go before my husband. I honestly think about you every day, even though we don't know each other - it feels as though we do. I admire you greatly. Your lovely, friendly nature must mean you've made many friends. Lean on them, and accept any invitation or offer, even if you don't want to. I expect your faith will help, too.

ScaredyCat She's making a lovely young person, thanks. My legs are fine, but one hip is agony. It feels like a trapped nerve. I'm going to try to get a GP appointment on Monday. I'm hobbling about. My husband is now on a very strong Vitamin D tablet (prescribed) once a week, as it was very low, due to the thyroid problem - his appointment has been postponed until July. How have you been today?

HVDY you’re very kind but the reality is I don’t have many friends. I spent all my time with DH and we were seldom apart. I’m do have one good friend near by but need to join in some things so I can keep occupied in the days to come. Church is a good place for me at the moment. Everyone’s been so nice.
Yes I know what your brother means, it’s how my SIL felt when my brother had dementia. It’s hard for family.
Have a lovely weekend with yours.
Scaredycat yes I’m hoping to pick up a bit in the warmer weather. I can’t do too much yet as I still have another operation to come due to stuff in my lungs. Don’t know when that will be yet but in the meantime can’t exert myself. Good excuse for no housework 🤣

Doodle everything you are feeling is normal whatever that is..Grief is overwhelming especially whens it the other half of yourself. I have said half of me died with my husband and still only half a person. It's been a blink of an eye since Mr D died. It still hasn't sunk in yet this is your life now. I was 45 when my husband died and the thought of spending the next 30 years on my own terrified me . But it's been 20 years now and the time has flown by. I had offers from other men but I have never wanted anyone but my husband. He is my one and only my true love . We did most things together . He did go out for a drink when the children where older and I had gotten used to the pain increase and the limb jerks . But he hated anyone driving him so he only had half a pint . I called the 4 of them the old gits drinking club . The other 3 where 10-15 years older than Mr W.

Having the family over while it was lovely for you in one way but it masked your grief because you put a brave face on things. I used to wear it cuddle my husband's jumpers just to feel like he was holding me. I used to touch my lips and close my eyes and imagine his passion. I slept with a cuddly snowman he won at then GP surgery Xmas raffle just to hold something.. I still hate the empty side of the bed . Before I moved here in the early years of grief I always knew I had a bad night because I woke up on his side of the bed . Which made the grief worse.

You will come to accept given time and I don't mean months but years that this is your life now. But I know how proud Mr D would be of you and he would want you to life the best life you can . But that won't happen yet it takes time. As you have a faith try and take comfort in that.

You and Mr D most likely made plans for the future we did. But we still have the past but the present and future you had planned has gone. And it's so hard to make a new present and future. Give yourself time and take it a day at a time. And don't hide your grief as you will only hurt yourself more.

HVDY dementia killed my mom 4 months before her body died . She became violent but it was out of fear. She didn't know who she was ,where or who I was she thought I was her mom. I grieved for my mom while her body was still alive .

Estrangement that's a living grief but there is no end to that until I die. But the grief for my husband far out weights what my son has done.

But without love there would be no grief. It's the price we pay for loving. And it's a price I gladly pay for having 29 years and married 22 with my husband. Some people live their whole lives and never know true love and finding the other half of themselves. Grief effects you emotionally, physically and mentally. But you can live with it but it takes years . But can still be overwhelming it still overwhelms me at times even now but I don't fight it.

Love is the strongest emotion of all stronger than hate. It's not just love for and from others but you have to love yourself. Took me years to learn to love myself and was happier when I did.

Sweet dreams .

Doodle thank you for telling us like it is - now no regretting it! Probably it’s a survival thing distracting, not facing it all the time.
And yes scary looking ahead I understand: hang in there dear Doodle …..you have those glasses of wine - I do think of you ..koko like you say to me.

Good to hear of caravan things Candy

Sweetpeasue when you come in I hope the wedding was "got through" I expect you are very tired.

HVDY what a super day for GD1 and you both. I'm sorry your hip is so bad and hope something can be done.

Waves Whiff and Scaredycat and nadateturbe such thoughtful posts.

Sorting a worker - which I'll have to pay for - long process more next week, and not sure. Its an agency but a good rep, but matching right is not straightforward, not cheap but it means consistency.

Meanwhile still stuck on basics: trying to koko wash, not able to ring family, food, need to ring doc, everything falling behind, not moving enough getting so stiff yet "whats the point". Thank you for your kind wishes all this is part of my day but oh the days so long.

Warm waves to all other BD's who werent in today xx

Read your posts in early hrs this morning and my heart aches for you Doodle and Wyllow. I realise how brief life is here and how precious our loved ones are . As much as wider family are loved our husband's are a vital part of us , and after wedding ,in bed in early hrs I hugged my DH and cried to think I might one day lose him. I'd had a panic attack as room was claustrophobic and DH said read GN to take mind off the closing in walls.
Anyway just to say wedding went well and drove home today with DGS ,had him for a while before taking him back to his mum's. We're crashed out now but just wanted to pop in and post. Will catch up with you all tomorrow.
So much love to you all. Xx

Sweetpeasue so glad the wedding went well. You can relax now and concentrate on getting your DH well.
Hope you had a good nights sleep.
Wyllow I’m so pleased you’re able to share more with us some days. Take it as a small sign of improvement. Hoping your worker helps.
Whiff of course you know exactly how I feel. I’m sort of managing but I’m still in the stage of If only. If only I hadn’t dont this. If only he hadn’t dont that. Of course we never know what would have happened if an alternative path would have been taken. The thing that really gets to me is the desire to have him hold me again. It breaks me every time I think of it. I can cope with most things but that is the killer. I know I can’t change it but it’s such a need in me I can’t seem to get it out of my mind. I look at pictures of him and videos and find them comforting.
I’ve had my haircut today which is good as it was so long and tatty.
Hope everyone has a good weekend.

Doodle it's all the little things that hurt the most. The dent in the pillow next to me. Shouting do you want a cuppa. Why do you manage to get holes in indestructible socks in one day. Hearing him breath,cough and even fart. All silly things really but they mean so much. And not having a cuddle or hold hands . All things that I took for granted .

Doodle life doesn't seem real but once the funeral is over it makes it real and then it hits you he's really gone. In my old house I heard every night at 6.30 on the dot him drop his briefcases in the porch and shout hello Whiff and I shouted hello Hubs then he would grab me and kiss me. I have lots of photos of him but no videos or anything with his voice. I hear how he phrased things but not his voice.

The need for Mr D never fades and only gets worse as the years go by. If we didn't love them so much it wouldn't hurt like it does.

But I would rather hurt like this than never to loved him so much . My life is empty without Mr W but it would have been even emptier if I hadn't had him for as long as I did.

Doodle it's worse for you as you had many more years with Mr D. So the need for him is worse . But you have to feel that loss if you try to stifle it will only get worse and hurt you more. Your eyes hurt so much from crying and you get a pain in your chest from sobbing . Grief gives you physical, emotional and mental pain . It's a pain that never goes away but it takes years to learn to cope.

You are putting to much pressure on yourself by trying to be brave . Eventually the rage and anger will come but don't fight it but use to get through everyday . It may take weeks or months but it will hit you . Don't feel like I did when it hits you. I thought I was wicked it took me a while to realise it's all part of grief.

It's the price we pay for love as without love there wouldn't be grief.
But true love is worth the pain.

*Sweetpeasue I'm glad the wedding went OK. Your DH maybe was wise about the distraction.

Doodle heard and understood -so very raw for you and bewildering.

Wave to Whiff and your story.

Not a good day

Night night all xx

SweetpeaSue Glad the wedding went well. Was the reception nice? Buffet or meal? You can relax a bit now and then help your husband get better. He's right about doing something to distract you from the panic attack. A GP once told me to breathe in and out of a brown paper bag.

Doodle Oh, Doodle, I can only imagine how much you miss your dear husband. Perhaps once everything has settled down a bit, you might join something in order to meet people. I haven't got many friends, either (I worked alone as a home care worker, and didn't keep in touch with people). I've got 2 genuine, long-term friends, but one has just moved 22 miles away. I'm glad you've got videos to remember happy times. I know you had some lovely holidays. Whiff gives good advice and has had experience with what you're going through. Love to you x

EllieAnne I hope you're able to get out this weekend. Will things be easier next week when certain places are open again?

Wyllow3 Koko, day by day. You'll get there in the end.

The pain I thought was in my hip is actually in my groin (where the crease of hip/groin is) and has been incredibly painful. I've been hobbling about in agony, just from room to room. I must get to see a GP tomorrow. I'm ashamed to be examined because I'm so damned fat, but I must.

Candy6, ScaredyCat*, nadateturbe, Whiff and ALL BDers - hope you manage to have a decent day x

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Our happy little Chubby Chops

Hvdy she is lovely. That pain sounds as if it is coming from the hip.
Sweet pea sue I m glad that the wedding was successful.
I’ve not had a good week . I still feel I could disappear and no one would be bothered.
The house needs attention, the garden is untidy and I can only do so much.
Spoke to some people at church but they have no idea how I am feeling.
Doodle Wyllow and all who are suffering mentally physically and emotionally my thoughts are with you.

Whiff So sorry for your ongoing loss
Whiff. The actual sound of a loved one's voice is precious and at least I have some of my dad singing though mum's voice is a memory quite strong because I hear it if ever I think of a Jim Reeves song as she would sing to those.
Grief is certainly a physical pain too and life is cruel for someone to be taken 'before their time' though we can never have long enough.
Doodle Think of you every day and so wish things hadn't turned out as they have. I'm glad you have your memories of your DH in the sun outside hospice. There are always 'if onlys' I think ,when's someone's gone and it's oh so final, but as you say. who knows where a different path would have led? There can never be enough time. I don't have the experience of losing a DH , though I remember holding my mum's hand at the end and trying to hold that physical contact in my memory, knowing I wouldn't again. The longing to have your DH's physical embrace must be unbearable .I'm glad you have those videos and they offer a small comfort. Virtual hug from me.xx
HVDY The photos are lovely-shes a little darling. That really does sound like it's the hip . My DH felt the pain in the groin for quite some time before his hip replacement. Hope you get to see your DR tomorrow for some help.
Wedding meal was a sort of buffet thing but because I'm such a beige plain eater I'm not sure what everything was. Ist plate was brought round with bit of pork pie , meat terrain thingy,ham, what looked like scotch egg but had chicken stuff in, black pud (given to DH with the terrain thingy). Then buffet plate where there was sausages, burgers, lamb chops, barbecued pork ribs, goodness knows what that I didn't have with potato salad. Coleslaws. Then other fancy meat stuff on the night with roasties and I don't know. Noticed DGS had tiny marshmallows on his plate. I never ate on the night I felt too full. As I say. my palate is quite boring .😂

Back later BDs