Feeling sad and helpless

If you ring the Macmillan helpline, they will be able to advise you on what to say to your friend..

My DH has inoperable cancer (he has had a few major ops before the cancer metastases). He has today restarted palliative chemotherapy after an 18month gap. He just wants “normality” from family and friends with normal conversations. I too just want normality. I would just be there to give her support if needed. Difficult situation for all.

I'm so sorry DaisyL I guess all you can do is listen and be there if she needs a shoulder to cry on and to offer any practical help.

I’m so sorry Daisy. Shinamae’s suggestion sounds very sensible. I’m afraid I can’t add more but didn’t want to just pass by. I will remember your friend in my prayers if I may. 💐

I think I really wanted to reach out to someone as she has asked me not to tell anyone yet and I will obviously respect her wishes and I tried to just listen and let her talk. Maybe it is my own sadness that is hard to deal with and that sounds terribly selfish as she is the one who is so ill, but the thought of losing another friend is so horrible.

So sorry Oldbat. I can understand wanting normality. 💐and if acceptable prayers for you and your husband too. I have quite a long list nowadays.

Not selfish at all Daisy. Completely understandable.

DaisyL - my sincere sympathies to your friend and you. What a sad situation all round and what a brave friend you have. All I can suggest is, spend time with her, support her as best you can. If she wants to talk about her situation, just listen. The husband needs to be taken into consideration. Have they got children / family ? I’m sure her GP will do what is necessary. Just be there if she needs to talk and offload. Cook something for her and her husband. All the best !

So sorry oldbat1. Trying to be normal is the best I think.
for all going through such awful times

This will have been a horrible shock for you, I'm sorry

Carry on your friendship as normal and just be guided by her, that is all you need to do x

Daisy I'm in the same situation with my oldest and best friend. I don't have much advice for you as sometimes I struggle with knowing what to say. I would agree that the Macmillan website has some good advice. I visit every week and take my lead from my friend. If she wants to talk about it then I listen. During the week I send wee messages that are fairly light to show her I'm still there. Sometimes I bring up things we did as children. I try to make her smile although my heart is breaking. All my best

My late husband was upset by people 'acting weird' - and harping on about his illness - when (yes Oldbat1) he wanted life to be as normal as possible, for as long as possible.

We thought that most people just don't have a clue about how to behave, so, in their worry or panic, just blurt out the first thing in their heads.

Maybe it's best to, like DaisyL, consider, well in advance, what to talk about?

My husband had to tell his best friend to be his usual self, saying 'It's not my job to comfort you - I have enough to deal with. Don't ask me about hospital visits, let's just talk golf and snooker. We are born and we die, so it's just part of life.' Still, the friend couldn't cope with his feelings and had to be banned from the hospital.

DaisyL, it isn’t selfish to feel upset in these circumstances. You sound like a good listener and my experience over the past year has me believing that’s most needed, most helpful x

I so agree - I have quite a lot of experience of volunteering at a hospice and I do know that people want to carry on being themselves and not as a cancer patient or a terminally ill person. when my husband was dying the one person I wanted to share the awfulness with was my best friend (my husband) who was the one person I couldn't really spend all my time weeping around him. I have offered my friend to be there whenever she wants to talk and I've offered to drive her to appointments if needed. She doesn't have children but has a sister, although they are not close and she also has nieces and nephews.. Don't live that near and she is a far better cook than me so probably won't offer to cook for her. To be honest I'm surprised at how hard this has hit me. Can't stop crying about it.

Daisy, she is your friend how couldn't you be upset?

any of us who have been one the receiving end of news like this know exactly how raw and stark it is having to hear your friend tell you this. You haven't had time to process it all x

When I was diagnosed with breast cancer my first thoughts were with family and friends and how I had let them down. I think you need to let your friend know, subtly, of course that you will be okay. You can do this by being upbeat and as normal as you can be.

Daisy, be gentle with yourself. Reading your words about your husband resonated so much with me, that was my experience as well. To be facing this with your close friend must be so hard and I expect it’s raising feelings from your husband’s death.
Look after yourself, rest x

Have been in a similar situation. I am sure you will say and do the right thing. Be guided by your dear friend, I am so sorry she is in this dreadful situation, sorry too that you now have to contemplate loosing your lovely friend. Thinking of you both 💐💐

When my husband was told he had malignant melanoma grade 4 and he had 5 years to live. Only me and our children knew he wouldn't live. He didn't want anyone to treat him any differently. So after the cancer was removed we let people believe he would be ok as he didn't need chemo or radiotherapy.

It wasn't until we had the terminal notice that we told people. And what he feared happened people did treat him differently and he hated it . He was given 4 months to 2 years. He lived just under the 4 months.

I can understand your friend not wanting people to know. Dealing with cancer knowing you have limited life span is hard enough without well meaning people asking how you are. And worst of all people avoiding you as if it's catching.

My husband wanted to get to his 47th he did and died 4 days later. 19 years next month.

We told family and friends. We were fortunate, Everyone was compassionate, sensible, supportive.

Whiff - 47 - so young 😥

I am so sorry to hear the news of your friend. It must be very hard for both of you. When my mother was dying of terminal cancer I read a lovely article about 'holding space for someone'. It meant that you were just there if they needed you, you didn't pass comments about their illness and you were just really gentle and patient with the situation and you spoke about pleasing and gentle items like knitting a baby blanket or a flower arrangement. Prayerful wishes to you and your friend.

My friend of 40 years has secondary breast cancer, she's 55. She fought it years ago, had a mastectomy and it came back during Covid. It is now in her bones and she just gets chemo every so often to give her a little longer time with her family.
Just be you, her best friend, the one who listens, the one she knows will be there for her no matter what. Its just a lot of love and support that she really needs now.

My DH lived for 4 years with stage 4 cancer and he remained relatively well until the final few months.
I think I was expecting his death but others were really shocked as he carried on as normal for so long.
I am sorry you have this burden to bear.
Sending hugs