Looking back

Maybe you should buy her something now RosieLeah and tell her she's evens now!

Thirty years ago to the day my son was knocked down and in a coma for ten days not knowing if he would survive. He was knocked down by a car as he dived into a busy dual carriageway to grab his older brother's dog.

I had bought his brother the dog in return for promising to study for his GCSEs. He was careless about looking after it and younger brother took it for walks.
How bitterly I regret buying that dog. Stupid stupid thing to do. I should have known better.

But you know it wasn't my fault he had let the dog off the lead. It wasn't my fault the driver wasn't watching for hazards. I have to remember that.
He has recovered and is happily married but will always be affected by injuries.
We can't spend our lives carrying guilt. It would destroy us.
We make the best decision we can at the time.
You must remember that Ellie Anne .

It is important to distinguish between feeling seriously down because of your life circumstances and clinical depression.

I'm sure we all feel guilty about something we handled badly. I know I made mistakes with my own children, and the effects are still there. It's just that at the time, we do what we think is for the best. It's only later that we realise we could have handled a certain situation in a different way.

Also parents are often blamed unfairly for something which was beyond their control.

One day during the summer holidays, my elder son came in all excited because he had learned to ride his friends bike. Of course, then came the inevitable question...mum, can I have a bike?
We were very short of money and I had been saving to buy myself a new pair of boots. It was just enough to buy him a second-hand bike. Of course, I should also have bought my other children something so that they were equal, but I just didn't have the money.

My daughter has never forgiven me.

Talk to someone Ellie Anne.

Rosie Leah it is mainly to do with circumstances that I feel unable to change. Also my 3 AC have problems and I worry that my upbringing of them may have had some bearing on that.

I agree with RosieLeah , although I have heard there is clinical depression which is helped by pills?

But I'm not a fan of pills for depression generally. I think they may help the symptoms but don't get to the root cause. I prefer to talk to a counsellor if I decide I need help.

Feeling guilty for things we may have done wrong is common enough but not to this extent so you do need some help I feel.

There are a couple of times I have told my children and my brother that I'm sorry for particular things I have said or done and they have laughed and said they had no recollection of it at all.

None of us are perfect. We all make mistakes. Generally things we do are the right decision at the time. And we're all guilty of opening our mouths and putting our foot in it.
Don't be so hard on yourself. If you were such a horrible person you wouldn't be worried about it.

When my DS was struggling with depression, I told him to write down, before he went to bed, at least one good thing that had happened that day. It only needed to be something small like enjoying a sandwich or getting a bit more work done. I think it helped.

As for your concerns (and I sometimes have similar thoughts because we all do those things) well, you can't change the past but you can change the future. Don't get all apologetic with people about things you've done, just try to behave in the way you would prefer - and perhaps keep a list of those things you feel you've done better.

Taking anti-depressants doesn't actually cure anything. Whatever caused it in the first place is still there. What exactly is causing you to feel depressed? Is it something in your present circumstances....some event which you haven't come to terms with...something someone said which upset you? If you came off the medication because you didn't like taking it, or had side-effects, you need to deal with the depression in a different way.

When we're depressed, our thoughts turn inwards and we dwell on negative things. You need to turn your thoughts outwards...concentrate more on things outside your own sphere...get involved in something new.

I agree it t may not have been the best decision but achieving something difficult is still something to be proud of..

Sorry to say but I think it was a silly thing to do by taking yourself off of your anti-depressants and not something to be proud of. I'm shocked by the above post to be honest.
You say you took yourself off them because you felt flat and emotionless (a symptom of depression) and on a low dose of medication. I feel that you perhaps needed a higher dosage or a different antidepressant.
The self doubt you're having now and dreading going back to your doctor seems to me like depression.
I'll stand corrected
If you have a leaflet in your medication box. Read it and I'm sure it will read something on the lines of don't stop taking the medication unless your doctor tells you to as your symptoms may return.
Is it not possible to ring your surgery at 8am for a same day appointment with a doctor? You really do need to talk to him/her for advice. Perhaps ask your doctor for therapy to talk about your past. Please get help. Take a friend with you for support. You'll be glad you did and yes, I talk from experience.
I hope you soon feel better. xxx

When I was running a support group, I used to encourage everyone to keep a Confidence Book. In this they wrote all the things they were proud of being and doing.

It amazed some of them to see just how great they really were - even though almost all felt exactly like you to begin with.

The fact is, we all remember our shortcomings and unless we are put on the spot, don't willingly admit to the kind, sweet, thoughtful and loving things we've done.

I can’t understand why my family and friends still have anything to do with me at all.

But they do, don't they? That in itself shows they don't share your (temporary I hope) low opinion of yourself.

So why not get yourself a little book and begin writing down all the things you can see are positives. To give you an example, this is what I would write at the start of my list.

I'm proud to be a Yorkshire woman
I'm proud I'm a woman
I'm proud of being a mother (whether I'm a good mother I leave to my sons to judge)
I can make people laugh sometimes
I can bake/knit/cook/still see a bit/hear/walk
I've had many wonderful, exciting jobs in my life
I helped my very elderly, disabled neighbour when she was dying.
I can sing
I made shortbread for my friend Judy
I helped an older lady take her shopping to her car
I wasn't rude to a cold caller (It's little things as well as big things which matter.)

If, like me, you were brought up not to boast, for the purposes of this exercise, you have to forget that - your book is private anyway. No one but you needs to see it.

Ellie Anne Top of your list might be:
"I came through withdrawal without too many problems" What an amazing thing.

Do you have any idea how hard that is? Yet you've done it! Congratulations. Really, it's a hard, hard thing to do and not everyone manages it. YOU DID!
What a courageous woman!

Don't sell yourself short, or put yourself down.
There are enough people out there willing to do that without our being mean to ourselves.

So please consider making a Confidence List which you can read when one of these negative moods come on you (and we all have them, believe me) it will help you see the truth and not the 'perceived' you.

I posted previously that I came off them myself because I was feeling so flat and emotionless. I had started cutting down because I was running out and had a long wait for dr appointment. The dr was rushed and not at all interested so I just did it myself. It wasn’t a high dose. I can’t face going back to dr.

Agree you could see GP just to discuss whether it is further withdrawal symptoms, however, I wonder if some of this isn't something that comes with ageing, the brain mulling over past life events. Take care and good luck.

You say, "I have come through the withdrawals without too many problems.", but then you go on to describe a definite problem! You have not quite succeeded to get through it all yet - I second the advice to go to your GP. If you came off the anti-depressants without his/her support, perhaps you did it too abruptly.

These sort of negative thoughts are symptomatic of depression of course. So maybe see the GP and discuss the withdrawal, which I hope you did under supervision.

Did your GP monitor you whilst you stopped the medication?

Oh Ellie, how awful for you. It could be delayed withdrawal symptoms.
Listen, we all have regrets about the past. I feel I was a very strict, harsh mother. And, I was. But this is how I deal with ....I did what I thought was best at that time.
You obviously have a lot of family and friends around. They would run a mile if you are what you think you are.
See your GP as soon as you can. You shouldn't let these negative thoughts overwhelm you. I think you are a very sensitive person - enjoy the present