Adult children and illness

Since I became ill and long before my diagnosis my Sons have both been brilliant, we talk openly about everything. My youngest takes me to all my appointments even if it involves taking time off work and the eldest lives abroad but rings me virtually every day to see how I'm doing, we talk for around an hour at a time and cover everything under the sun. If I want to talk about my illness (not likely) they are happy to talk about it in detail, more than me. It's me that's bored with the whole thing and would talk about anything rather than IT.

it's not just children who seem uncaring. When I was diagnosed (BC like you) I mentioned it in my next letter to my father, he totally ignored it, later I was given early retirement on health grounds, again I told him, got no response. Also, soon after my diagnosis I lost touch with a close female friend, same age as me, we'd been meeting at least once a month and spoke by phone every week, but then she started making excuses, soon we weren't meeting at all. A few years later she phoned, wanting advice/help about something, and admitted that she'd avoided me because she didn't know what to say or do. So I think in some ways it's a universal reaction, though obviously for you it seems particularly hurtful because it's your own children. Anyway, concentrate on your own health now, you need to keep your strength up.

Once again excuses are made for adult children who seem at best thoughtless, at worst uncaring. It appears to be the lot of grandparents to care for and help their families but not get any help when they are in need. Have we raised a generation of selfish adults. Not a generalisation as I'm sure there are exceptions but from recent threads on here I find there is a lot of take from adult children and very little give.

It’s sounds like they just want to pretend it’s not happening rather than being intentionally dismissive of what you are going through.
I was diagnosed with a breast cancer in 2015 and at the time had one son at uni and another living it home with his then fiancé, we were totally honest with them about it all but we also tried to carry on as normal so it wasn’t something they had to talk and think about all the time.
My own mum had died from it many years ago and it was horrible having to face up to your mum going through this and realising that they are not invincible, as they don’t live with you it’s easier for them to skirt around the issue.

I know it’s hard as you want to talk to them but don’t take their attitudes to heart, it’s how they are coping wth it, ours knew they could ask anything but we didn’t bring it up unless they did. We raised a glass of bubbly with them when treatment ended , shared a group hug and got on with life!
All the best with your treatment Xx

Cancer is a very lonely illness. People don’t know what to say to comfort you so they say nothing at all which can be hurtful. I have DDs both AC. One is very caring and asked me all the time if I was ok. The other one always asked me but didn’t want to know all the details. She later told me it was because the whole thing terrified her even though she knew it hurt me.
Just carry on looking after yourself and try not to be upset with them. As adults you’d think they would know better but at the end of the day, you’re their mum and they’re your kids. Good luck

Perhaps they are worried they will get emotional in front of you / down the phone when talking to you about this - many family members / friends think they have to be ‘strong’ at all times. Macmillan Cancer Support have a freephone support line 0808 808 0000 that anyone can use for advice and support. Sometimes it’s easier to start the talking with someone not emotionally involved

Hello dragonfly. I understand completely how you are feeling. In 2017 I was diagnosed with stage3 bowel cancer and had an operation, plus chemo. My son came to see me after the operation, but after that I think he thought that I was coping. He didn't phone me or call to see me very often, but I know he cared deeply. My daughter said she couldn't give me the support I wanted. I felt I got the best support from people who had also had cancer and knew how I felt. They are the ones who know how you feel. I wish you well and hope your treatment goes well

I did not tell my DC about being diagnosed with breast cancer until my DS had left the country. He was going to a new job abroad and I did not want him torn as to whether he went or not. Have not told him this but he was a bit upset about not being told about the illness. Told DD at the last minute and she was fine but no family were really a help to me. I was mad at DH as he told all his friends long before I told anyone and I had wondered about their attitude to me . He found them to be a help but really nobody was to me apart from my GP who phoned up and asked if I would go and see him. All he wanted was to talk things over . I thought it was very kind of him but turned down the offer of more appointments perhaps I should have taken them but I like to deal with things myself .
I am sure you will be fine Dragonfly but expect to have bouts of being down . I found radiotherapy to be draining but it was OK. Being faced with the prospect of a recurrence ( turn out to be a false alarm ) I felt I could have gone through it all again.

ps Dragonfly as I said before, hope your treatment plan is minimal but if you do end up having radio/chemo please feel free to PM me as I have some tips. My family carry the BRCA gene so we've had a lot of trial and error over many years with how to cope with things.

Maybe your DS doesn't want to talk about a breast problem. Maybe if it was cancer of the leg say he would talk more freely???

I think most people, whether our AC or friends are scared silly of the very thought of cancer. This leaves them not knowing what to do or say to anyone who is suffering from any form of cancer.

I think the onus is on you to tell them that you have had the result of the biopsy , what it was, and what is going to happen next.

I really hope the results aren't too scarey, but whether they are or not, please tell your children that you would find it easiest if the subject is not totally ignored between you, and ask them whether you can talk about it to them.

If they find it impossible to deal with, ask the hospital to refer you to a support group if they haven't already done so, and keep posting here, where there are many of us who understand what you are going through.

Actually, ask to be referred to a support group even if your family is as supportive as they can be.
All my best wishes for a speedy return to health - no form of cancer is as serious as they formerly were.

So sorry to hear of your diagnosis dragonfly You don't mention what your treatment plan is yet but I hope what you are dealing with needs the minimum of treatment and you are soon on the road to recovery.

I have 3 sons who were late teens/early twenties when I was diagnosed. They still lived here so couldn't really avoid what was happening. But they did seem to feel awkward discussing it. I don't think it helps that it's breast cancer and men can sometimes find that awkward to discuss. I'm a very open person, so they got all the facts anyway but I could tell they were upset and worried and a bit quiet about it.

Your DD's are most probably worried sick but trying to act like nothing has happened as they don't want to upset you. They probably think if they start crying and become emotional they will make you feel worse. So are carrying on as though nothing has happened but secretly fretting inside.

I certainly wouldn't get upset about it if you usually have a good relationship with them all, as even in these enlightened times, people often feel uncomfortable discussing illness.

for you and a big hug and take comfort from all the replies on this thread that we're all still here to tell the tale and give you good wishes.

I’m sure your son and daughter care very deeply about your breast cancer Dragonfly but I can understand your need to talk about it with them. I think Cherrytree59 has hit the nail on the head in that she couldn’t bring herself to talk to her mother about her breast cancer possibly because it made it real and she didn’t want to think about a future without her DM. That explanation makes a lot of sense. Things may change when you have had your surgery because that will.probably make it real and unavoidable. If you can’t talk to them about how you are feeling perhaps their partners could, or failing that your DH. At this time your emotional well-being is just as important as your physical well-being so if you continue to feel the way you do it needs addressing in some way.

Hello dragonfly. I was diagnosed with breast cancer that had spread to the lymph glands, 5yrs ago. I live about 140 miles away from our nearest DD and 260 miles away from our furthest DD. I went through mastectomy with removal of lymph glands, chemotherapy, the first session of which resulted in me being rushed in to hospital with sepsis; radiotherapy which badly scarred my lung; and then years of oestrogen inhibitors with debilitating side effects.

None of our 3 DDs really wanted to know. Occasionally one would phone, but almost always to ask about a problem and hardly ever was I asked how I was - until recently.

I don't know how you could do it but if you were able to email me, (I don't use messenger) I would be very happy to chat with you. I have run a cancer support group here for 4 years, mostly for women with breast cancer.

It is a really tough road to walk along, but be patient with your children and they will come along the road too, in their own way and own time.

Take care of you!

When my Mum had breast cancer, I was in my twenties with two young children.
I regret to say I tried at all costs to avoid talking to my DM about her illness.
I would accompany her to hospital appointments, take her out and often cook meals for my father and young sister coming home.
But I just could not bring myself to talk directly to my DM about her illness,
Possibly because it made it real and I did not want to contemplate a future without her.

dragonfly I'm sure your AC care deeply

when my DD found out she had breast cancer aged 31 i wanted to run a mile id not long lost my mum dad and brother , you need to speak to them and tell them as hard as it is for them YOU NEED their support even if its just a phone call to see how your feeling, my brother ran away from my mums illness as he couldnt stand seeing her the way she was , it was only when she passed away he realised id spent every waking moment with her that he realised he should of been there . let them know how you are feeling amd you would love their support x wishing you all the very best with your treatment and recovery xxx

Great post Maw - the thing is, you never do stop worrying about your 'kids'. Instead, you get to worry about them PLUS your kid's kids lol. And I don't think most children can bear the thought of their parents mortality.

I missed a word out there - DD has been an absolute stat!

I had much the same experience with my DD - she refused to accept her Dad had dementia, & that I was struggling with it. However, he died last year of cancer, with Alzheimer's as a secondary cause & since then has been an absolute star! I think you need to let your children know how frightened you are, & hopefully they will rally round.

Think your AC can't cope and or are frightened of upsetting you. If there is a Maggies Centre near you go in, they are great at listening about anything that is worrying you about how you are coping with your illness. It doesn't have to be directly related to treatment etc. Or even some of the cancer charity helplines, they too offer a similar service. You are not alone, there are a lot of people who will listen and try to help.

I'm sorry to hear about your recent diagnosis dragonfly I hope you get the treatment and support you need.
I understand adult children being afraid when a parent is ill but with apologies to dragonfly this is quite a selfish stance. Surely adults can overcome their worry and support their parent, they don't have to actually be there but phone calls, messages face time etc can all help. This is another thread where adult children are only concerned with their own feelings.

My youngest DD was just the same when I was seriously ill last year, she just didn’t want to face it and I think the possibility of losing me was too much for her! The other two did talk about it with me and with each other and although not easy for any of us we were able to have difficult discussions in case I hadn’t pulled through! The point I am making I guess is that everyone handles these things differently and it’s quite likely that your children just can’t face thinking about your ill health but as someone else said would be there in an instant if you needed them.

As others says it's too painful for them to acknowledge. The word cancer strikes fear into the heart of everyone, in fact my mother in law couldn't even bring herself to say the word. In this day and age the prognosis is very good. My sister in law has had cancer for the last twenty years, since the age of 40, all over her body and still she lives life to the full. Speak to them about it, email your daughter telling her where you are with it now, if you speak to your son try saying lightheartedly, 'honestly you always change the subject'. Until they know you're slightly upset by their attitude they're not going to change. Try to be positive, difficult though it must be, when you speak to them, you being confident will at least give them some comfort.

My very dear Mother and Father-in-law were happily married for 67 years, and were really close. After she died, he never mentioned her. We would reminisce about her but he never joined in. I can only suppose he found it too painful. I think it's the same kind of thing with your AC, Dragonfly. I had breast cancer in 2016, and know how frightening it is. Take heart, many supporters on here, never too busy to listen.

My MIL and BIL were like this when my late DH had his diagnosis and indeed during his illness right up to the end. It wasn't that they didn't care - they did very much, they simply couldn't cope. It did feel very isolating as you say and their visits actually added to the burden. We felt we had to be 'up' for them all the time - very tiring.
Healthcare professionals who specialise in your illness will therefore be of great help to you and I advise you to use their services. We all need a shoulder to cry on. If there's a Maggie's centre near you, I've heard they're good.