Whats wrong with me?

You may not want pity but goodness you deserve sympathy.
I have no idea of what further investigations will help give you peace of mind but I sincerely hope that there will at least be some action and a resolution on your dreadful debilitating symptoms.
What does stop us putting an end to it all? I often wonder when I hear of perhaps one surviving parent when the rest of the family has been wiped out in some dreadful accident. I think many of us would turn our faces to the wall.
Children or grandchildren or anybody who truly needs us usually provide a reason for living . I vividly remember being a gnat's whisker from stepping in front of a London bus after our baby son died, but couldn't bring myself to leave DH with no one. There will be other members who have found the strength to go on after their own tragedies.
However, I think,you need to seek active help both medical as well as perhaps some sort of counselling where you can say things that you cannot share with your family. Waking each day with a feeling of dread says to me you are suffering from depression, over and above your health worries. OR it could be an aspect of your illness. Please get help, a kick,up the backside is no use to a man with two broken legs.
In addition, you are ILL, is there no way you could relieve all the pressures you are under by at least giving up your job?

All sounds dreadful gilly no wonder you feel so down. Sounds like the MS is having a flare-up and a visit to the neurologist in order.

Are you on tranexamic acid for the bleeding - that's known to cause bad headaches, as happened to me; maybe the GP could vary the dose?

gillybob, please go to your doctor ASAP. You at least need to be signed off work. Could you consider take early retirement on the grounds of ill health?

I am not well at the moment and can't imagine trying to do the stressful job (in a bank) that I used to do whilst feeling poorly.

Just off to the dreaded place (work) so a quick reply to Riverwalk to say I am on an unusually high dose (twice the usual) of Medroxyprgestterone (Provera) to try and stop (or at least slow down) the bleeding before my scan. Yes I know such a high doses could be causing the damned headaches.

There is no way I could give up work Maw We have a mortgage and lots of debt ( just to add to the worry) .

Nothing to add, but I didn't want to read and run

Please see your gp about all this and if possible get signed off for a week or so to give you time to rest. All good wishes.

Poor you gilly you really sound at the end of your tether.
You need to see your GP but you really need a break from work, and I know that isn't easy as it is your own business, but you can't carry on or you will have to give up anyway.
I wish there was a quick fix for you but that is wishful thinking. I can only send best wishes to you.

Other than the good advice to go your GP is there anyway of tackling some of the contributing things?

You say you hate your job - what can you do there? Can you change any of the bits you hate? Look for something else maybe?

I began to hate the last job I had before I took early retirement and got through each day by saying to myself ' I'm just here for the money'. I stopped over performing, just went in, did my job and got through each day. Its not ideal but maybe you need to think about the small stressers and see what you can eliminate?

Good luck

gilly oh dear, I really feel for you, I know those feelings too. At least (hopefully) you can come off the tablets after the scan?
I think you need to see your gp again, you can't always "get a grip" on your own, you need help.
Sending a hug xx

gillybob is it at all possible that you could just jack in the business, declare yourselves bankrupt and get a job stacking shelves in a supermarket or something? I know you have debts and a mortgage, but when you hate your job as much as you do and it's having such a detrimental effect on your physical and mental health I'd seriously take advice to see if there are any other possible options you have. I often read your posts and feel great sadness for you; I only ever had one job (fortunately a time-limited secondment) that I really hated going to and I know I couldn't live like that and thrive.

gillybob I don't know the answer. Perhaps it is a mixture of a flair up of your illness, side affects of medication, worry and stress. ( could you be anemic if you've had blood loss) I do understand some of how you feel because before I retired in march I often woke up full of dread. Coping with a stressful job as well as family concerns and being physically pushed to the limit and I didn't have any underlying illness. Retirement has helped massively. I don't know your situation but could you at least cut down your working hours if your self employed half a day a week say. I know you've probably thought of all the scenarios and my advice isn't helpful at all. I hope you feel a little better soon

gilly (((hugs)))
Will pm you.

gilly, can't really add anything more than has already been suggested, but am thinking of you and wishing you well. Feeling as you do must be so horrible, and I sympathise, been there a little, but not as you. Do as you have been told and see the Dr. Show him/her what you have written so clearly here, if saying it in person could be difficult. But know that there are lots of friends on here that are willing you on, mentally and physically. Just look after yourself. {{{hugs}}}

I think you do need to see your GP, at the very least to get yourself signed off for a while so that you can regroup, get your health fully reviewed and get your head round things.

Round here there is a service that helps people with long term illnesses to come to terms with what is happening - a friend of mine found it very helpful indeed.

A chance to stop racing off to work and to stand back is what is needed to give you a chance to overcome all this.

Gillybob If you heard this account from any one of your employees you would be falling over yourself to help them and certainly put them on sick leave for the foreseeable future, no matter the cost. Are you less valuable than them?

In the longer term - I know of a small business who managed to sell out to their main customer, a much larger firm, who were happy to take over the management role, with the factory and workers continuing as usual. In fact they pumped some money in and expanded. The owners were able to clear their debts and retire but soon got bored and took on part time jobs which they enjoyed. Worth considering?

Gillybob, my heart goes out to you. You have always been the one who has been there for everyone, going above the call of duty so many times. It's alright my saying for you to start thinking of yourself more and try to back off a bit, as I know from my own experience that it's hard to do.
What the others have said is so right, though. You need to go to your GP again (is counselling perhaps an option, even?) There comes a time when we have to learn to be more selfish. There's only one YOU, so you have to take care of yourself. Xx

Nice to see you posting Marelli . I hope all is well with you and yours.

I agree with Marelli, you are always there for everyone else gillybob. Don't be hard on yourself. Hope you feel better very soon.

Ah, annsixty, that's so kind of you. Life over the past year has had its problems (as life does), but we've turned a corner and feel much stronger and more able to cope should life throw more horrid stuff at us again. Xx

gillybob you mention Provera (progesterone) for the bleeding so I assume you still have periods.
It may help you considerably to ask about hysterectomy...yes...I know...an operation.
BUT....not having to cope with periods/bleeding/hormonal ups and downs may help in the longer term with your MS.
Give you respite and help a lot with the (undoubted) depression that you are experiencing.

Gillybob please go see your dr I've nothing to add to what others have said take care of yourself ?

Pain killers give you headaches. I know my pain is not as bad as yours but I have had to stop taking all my painkillers. Yes, the pain is bad at times but I feel much better with a clear head

I hope you feel better soon, gillybob. I know how stressful it is to be running a business from which you cannot step back because bills have to be paid even though it feels like a millstone round your neck.

I'm not going to tell you to 'get a bloody grip' but sending some positive vibes in the hope you will eventually see light at the end of the tunnel.

Take care of yourself.

You are so helpful to all in your life. I really think you need to step back and let others do for you. I read that your GC spend many nights because of DS and DILs schedules to work, maybe the parents could find a way for themselves for a few weeks and give you rest. To keep on when you are not feeling well will not help you feel better. Please go to your GP, ask about depression, drug interactions, and sleep deprivation, please.