Nothing left to give...

glammygranny tears pricked at the back of my eyes when I read your posts ......

So I'm not going to repeat the advice others have given you. As to your OH, some men are partners in every sense of the word. For others my experience is that they are thoroughly spoilt and seem to have no shame in doing literally nothing!

Explore your options. Just don't wait until it's too late. You deserve more x

I think the solution can only come from you. Your work isn't going to ask you to do less, and neither is your husband in any way which means he will take some of the burden.. look at your situation as a 'problem' (which it is) and use your solving skills to improve it.

Having seen first hand how stressful it is working in the NHS just now I think you are amazing without all the other pressures you are taking on. It's difficult to let go, when the way we function is often "hard wired" from childhood but it has come to a head for you where you feel burnt out and know you can't go on like this - you are only human after all. Be kind to yourself. Try and talk things through with a trusted friend (or counsellor) to help you sort things out in your head and decide on survival strategies. Something has to change and you may just need a bit of help in sorting out what. Big hugs.

Good idea Marionk. You work for the nhs and they have very good supportive services for staff. Use them like others do.

Sorry op you are going to have to let someone else "organise you"

I think you need to step back and realise that: you are not indispensable, nobody is, and replacing/supplementing you in the workplace is not your problem, it is your employer's; if you want things doing 'your way', then do it yourself; recognise that the floor not being swept right now is fine. The perfectionist OCD helper-controller looks very different if you live with one. I grew up with one - I learned from my mother that cleaning was more important than me, that what other people thought was more important than integrity, and that no amount of air-freshener can shift the whiff of burning martyr. Do you want to have those close to you view you in this way? Probably not. Embrace the fact that the world doesn't need you, that you are not important (nobody is) and get on with learning how to be content in a world of imperfection. By the way, the husband might be responding to nagging with indolence - it is what I do. Ask me, and I will do it. Nag me, and I will deliberately drag my heels. And with cleaning domestic stuff, it can wait if I am going something more interesting - why is that a problem?

How I agree with Nannotograndmas comments. I retired after 45 years in the NHS from a responsible role. Stress was a contributing factor and the feeling of not being valued. The service didn't stop because I wasn't there. My peace of mind and well being improved immeasurably though. The NHS isn't always good at looking after it's own.

I don't know how you have stood it all this time. Did he really tell you not to be 'cheeky'? Treating you like an uppity teenager - you,a professional woman with a responsible job in a leadership role. How dare he speak to you like that? Can you arrange for a cleaner to come on a day when you are off work? I'm sure he would make it very uncomfortable for her (or him) if she arrived for work when he was in alone and maybe he wouldn't let her in. And next time he asks if the oven is on, tell him you are going out for a meal and he can come if he wants. Or say you have arranged for a takeaway delivery. You deserve it - he doesn't.

Yes you need to look after you or you will make yourself I'll take a holiday take time out for you go part time or leave and get something else as much as you love your friends and your mum you also need to love yourself and look after you No one else will This is your life live it that's the best advice I can give you Good Luck X

Gosh I'm totally overwhelmed by all the replies. It's my morning teatime so I thought I'd have a quick look on here. Thankfully no clients to see today so I'm totally in control.
Well! I went to Tesco (other supermarkets are available) on the way home and got something that could be pinged in the microwave. Got home and as I walked around counted 4 mugs and 3 glasses in various rooms (scream 1). Into the kitchen and a cold coffee cup on the table (scream 2). Into the shower room and a pile of dirty laundry (why oh why he didn't just turn left and out to the garage with it rather than right to dump it on the shower room floor is beyond me. It still needs to go to the garage to get washed! (scream 3).
I decided I'd have a nice shower after I ate dinner so I was sitting drying my hair when hubby got home. I pointed out that I had walked round the house picking up the cups and glasses only to be told "well you leave your glass on your bedside table". Yes I do and I replace it with a clean one each evening! I do not however leave wrappers on the sofa and cups and glasses round the house. Just once I'd love him to say "yes I know you find this annoying so i'll try to remember to put the dirty items straight into the dishwasher.
I was quite proud of myself in that I took the time to write 2 lists... yes 2! 1 was of what I'd call quick jobs and the other requiring a bit more effort. Hubby is home all day today and doesn't have clients until tonight so lots of free time. He saw the list this morning! I simply said "well you do say you have a head like a sieve and can't quite remember all that needs doing so I'd made the 2 lists to help you out". His face was a picture.
radicalnan Hubby's business means he is mostly busy in the evenings as this is when his clients want to see him so no he's not feeling neglected. If anything that's my cry as it's a rare weekday night when he is free before 9pm. I accept that's his livelihood so we do try to go out for a lunch on Saturdays.
We actually managed to be sitting down together at 8.30pm last night and were going to watch something together. My phone rang and it was my friend who is terminally ill. I picked it up without thinking and it transpired her husband thought I was in hospital as he'd seen something I'd posted on FB and got the totally wrong end of the stick. I tried to keep the conversation brief and made the excuse I'd save all the chat until I saw her on Friday evening. Truth be told I just wanted to lie stroking the dog and watching telly. I had a lightbulb moment and thought "you know what I don't have to answer every phone or text message straight away. I've no decided to not answer my phone after 8pm. Let it go to answer machine and then if it's urgent I can of course call back. Small step but one that will mean I have some me time in the evening.
Jaycee I've called my daughter several times when something has been wrong and instead of understanding I'm told I panic too much and that it will be ok. I'm told that I shouldn't worry. Daughter is fine if I am the one being agony aunt but can be very cruel and caustic in the way she speaks to me. This has been picked up on by others. She's the same with other people to. She thinks and states that being blunt is the only way to stop people walking over you. So in effect she is the complete opposite of me. It's her way or no way and boy does her poor husband know this only too well!
The Union rep is coming to see me at work next Tuesday. I have more or less made my mind up to wrap up my outstanding cases and leave a clear list of outstanding tasks and then see the GP on Wednesday and get signed off for a while. I'm lucky to have some savings and was really considering taking myself away for a solo mini break somewhere. I was going to tell hubby that I'd switch my phone on each evening to speak to him to let him know I was ok but that I wanted to take a few days to just be on my own. I quite fancied Palma but after seeing all those queues on the media I'm not so sure. As a byline Hubby's passport is up on 09/10/17. I've told him this several times but he's done nothing about it. I've decided I'm not saying another word until around early November when he will start to talk about all the last min deals to the canaries and I'll remind him we can't go as he has no passport. I don't even know if you can get from Ireland to the UK these days without a passport so that should be interesting. I've read my own posts back and I honestly don't recognize the grumpy bad tempered mare that I appear to be so I know something has to give or i'll burn out completely. It's bad when you find yourself jealous of a colleague who fell leaving the office and is now off with a broken leg. I actually wished it had been me as I'd (in my own mind) have a more legitimate reason for being off than simply citing stress.

annodomini I'm constantly told I'm cheeky if I say something he doesn't like. I fully admit to having a very dry sarcastic sense of humour but then dear hubby knew this when he married me!
grumpyoldbat No my cleaning is most certainly not more important than real live people. I just could not sit down with the dinner dishes still not in the dishwasher and the pots and pans lying in the sink. I'm not OCD to the point that floors are done daily, everything in straight lines and everything sitting perfect. I just fail to see the point of putting a used item in the sink when it then needs to be taken out of the sink and put in the dishwasher or not taking dirty laundry straight to the basket in the garage or leaving cups/plates/etc lying round. I like a tidy house but not a clinical one. I have dogs so that's proof lol that the house is lived in and they totally rule the roost and I'm happy with that. If I had time there are a million not so important things that really need doing but I've accepted they are on a very long finger and I never mention them. Given the chance of a free day to do housework or a free day to walk around the gardens of a lovely national trust property the national trust gardens would win every time. When my kids were growing up I was lucky enough to be a stay at home mum until they went to school. We had a ball together and I don't for one minute think they'd ever tell you a pair of rubber gloves and the hoover came before them.

I do so sympathise with your plight. Happened to me years ago when I went back to work fulltime and was undergoing training at the same time. I was doing all the housework, cooking, shopping and working full time and studying in the evenings.
One day I asked my son (aged 11) to tidy up his bedroom. He said "That's your job" and to add insult to injury my husband laughed. I asked my husband to mow the lawn one Saturday and he was most indignant and said he was taking son to the Air Museum and that they were entitled to leisure time!!!!! Presumably I wasn't!
Rebellion set in and I booked myself a week's leave and went away to Devon in a B & B. I had a wonderful week, meals provided etc but I left a letter spelling out what was wrong. I had been worked part-time at a local school a few minutes away so it was a shock having to travel 20 miles every day. I pointed out that I was now working full time, and there were three people in the house all needing food, clean clothes and a clean environment but only one of us was doing anything about it. I mentioned the remark from my son and how hurtful it was that he laughed. I also made it quite clear that if I came home to a messy house my absence would be permanent. It did the trick. The house was spotless and they both apologised for their thoughtlessness. We sorted out lists of chores and if they didn't do it then it didn't get done but they were pretty good really.
Time to rebel my dear, and stop carrying the whole world on your back. To be blunt your husband sounds as if he could do with a kick up the rear end.

Have you used up your holilday allowance this year? If not perhaps a break is all you need - The Scottish Isles are supposed to have had more sun than the South of England during Jult, you could take the dogs?

Then you may feel that you can cope with the work, if not, you may find a way round it. OK you are best at problem solving but can you explain the solution to an assistant to work out the details and action (under your guidance)?

Husband is another issue - sooner or later you will retire and be at home all day with him. It does not sound like either of you will enjoy it - one long nag for your husband to put up with, continuous irritation for you over untidiness.
Husbands rarely change, can you? Mindfulness, relaxation, yoga....might help. Do you have a room that you can make your own, that you can keep tidy and retreat to? Can you just let it go? Perhaps if someone else does not move the cups to the right place he will do it eventually? Or, try some steps like only doing washing that is in the right place (garage) ignoring his piles on the floor. Tell him this in advance. (Orr does he do the washing?) I am sure you can work something out once you have got over your exhaustion. That is a priority. Second may have to be learning to live with untidiness and laugh about it!

Without the full support of my husband I honestly can't imagine how I would cope with the stresses and strains you describe glammygranny - and if my husband was the source of much of the stress I would be very disappointed and angry. Luckygirl's advice regarding CBT is very good; a close relative is benefitting enormously from this at the moment.

Oh glammy I think he's my husband's secret twin brother.
Passport! Got the application form, completed it for him. Told him to get passport photos. Told him where nearest booth was. Photos never materialised.

Reminded him! Ignored again and I know why. He doesn't know how to use photo booth. I am serious. On all other occasions I would be there, putting money in, adjusting the seat. Hardly rocket science.

The outcome is that for the first time since I've known him (50 years) he doesn't have a passport.

Mustn't grumble ..... ?????

Without wanting to sound flippant I think you need to heed your own advice and find yourself a mental 'cupboard' in which to hide. Take time to stare at a few walls. In a way it would appear your husband is right, you can't sit still and relax, can you? There's lots of great advice listed above but I don't know if you'll take it because I don't know if you can step off the merry-go-round. You know you're a great problem solver so re-read your original post and answer yourself then put theory into practice. Hope you can make that first step as it sounds like you really, really need to.

Glamygranny you MUST look after yourself before your body tells you to stop, which it sounds as though it maybe soon.
Maybe as other readers say, pay someone to do things around the house, this may make DH realise he needs to help, also it may embarass him to have someone else come in and do what he is capable of doing, it would be cheaper if he did it instead!
Good luck, try to think of YOU, and get some help. Sending hugs to you.

Our house is full of empty glasses and tea mugs - every now and again one of us gets the urge to round them up and put them in the dishwasher.

I mention this just so you can see that many other people are not irritated by this - it is just life.

Arrange a Tesco delivery so you don't have to keep popping into the store in between work and home.

Organise for your phone to provide caller identity - then you will know whether it is someone you do want to speak to right now, or are happy to have them leave a message.

Well done for setting in train some time off - why do you see stress as not legitimate as a reason? It made my DD so ill she could not get out of bed at all!

Time to rethink your life - you have hit the buffers and it can be a moment to make positive changes.

I think it would help if you had a clear idear in you mind of how your liglfe should be organized. Make bill pying and oil ordering as automated as possible. Do not shop for groceriies. Write out ameal plan for the month and have grocery delivery weeklyvat a time your husband is in. Go to Occupatioal Health and get some counseling in work time to explore your emotional losses etc. be quite firm you deserve a good life and now you must put yourself first not others. Good Luck

Glammygranny - you seem to be coming up with all sorts of reasons to carry on doing all the things you have posted about in the first place.

Why are you taking on these extra burdens and ignoring your own health and sanity? Is it because you like to be needed?

Years ago, when I had a strong urge to volunteer in my spare time despite having a demanding job, I was stopped in my tracks by a priest who advised me that I couldn't help others until I had first helped myself.

I have followed this guiding principle ever since.

I know it is hard to stop yourself from helping loved ones and close friends but just because they are loved or close friends doesn't mean that their needs should take priority over your own.If they care about you they will understand that you need to take a break occasionally.

Even if you are the only person who can be there for them all (which I doubt), step back from it all now before you crack up completely. Go away and have that mini-break and relax for a change.

Don't you think you deserve it?

A good book to help refocus negative thinking [including the idea that we have to do it all in order to be accepted] is 'From Stress To Stillness' by Gina Lake.

You don't have to be a high flying specialist nurse to be loved op - you don't have to be super organised and be there for everyone. You deserve to be loved without doing anything. Just as you are.

I like to imagine it as if you are a caveman and you went out every single day to hunt and then to feel good you feed everyone else first so after a time you'd no longer have any energy to be able to hunt anymore and everyone would suffer. It's ok to feed yourself first.

In fact a large part of emotional maturity is to learn to feed yourself first.

GrumpyOldBat you're not such a GrumpyOldBat are you!

I think your post went over the OP head.

GrumpyOldBat I agree with you nobody is indispensable I worked for nhs 40 odd years when I left my colleagues bought me lovely things and said their goodbyes matron never came to say goodbye . You are just a number and you are soon replaced so advice to you glammynanny is to see your dr and occ health take some time off before you drop. Reading your last post it looks like you are making a start eg not answering phone .tell hubby you are going to employ someone to help in house if he says no then make a list of what you expect of him . Take care of yourself someone would be found to do your job if you became too ill so stop worrying a about that !!

"...I am a specialist within my team so the only one who is trained to do the role I do. It's not something that someone else could just pick up as a lot of specialist training and exams needed.."

glammygranny So how do they cope when you go on vacation? Sounds to me like you need one....badly!

You need to have some much needed time off...I'm thinking along the lines of a quiet beach in some remote paradise with room service and plenty of R&R. If you're that hard to replace, they will be very happy to see you when you return!

rizlett - the caveman analogy is a much clearer and less selfish-sounding example of what I was saying about the need to put yourself first - thank you.

There is another example from the safety instructions when you are on a plane.

Parents/carers with young children are advised to put their own oxygen mask on first before helping young children to do so.

I was surprised the first time I learned this but quickly realised why.

I hope glammygranny gives this some serious thought.

As far being the only one trained in a specialist role, it is a failure of her managers, not her, if they have no contingency plans for her absence.