S.U.M.O.

Better than wrestling with her feelings?(see what I did there?)
Best of luck to her, it can't be easy.
I wonder what the reaction would be if you posted that on a "why me? " thread

I've not heard of that as a specific method of recovering from something like this but I can see some merits in that philosophy although everyone needs to get things off their chest. I think a mixture of both things might work but it is hard and it must be difficult for you to watch them suffering.

Alea

It's the way I've tried to live my life. The family laugh at me because I'm always saying: nobody died, get over it.

annsixty how awful for your D and her C. A break up is bad enough but to have him go so far away. I don't know about the book. I would say it will take time but she and the C will get through it. Meantime it might be helpful if everyone involved knows what has happened. When my marriage broke up my Cs went through a bad time and school was sometimes difficult, when they knew what was happening they were very sympathetic. On a brighter note, time passes, children grow up, they accept things and they do move on. Hugs for you all

Thank you all.
trisher my GD is 13 and very close to her D but to be fair to him he skypes every night,however it is early days,he only went two weeks ago, they have been separated 18months and school are being very supportive.

Annsixty so sorry to hear this.

There is a certain truth in this quote by Tupac Shakur, if you can do it.

“You can spend minutes, hours, days, weeks, or even months over-analyzing a situation; trying to put the pieces together, justifying what could've, would've happened... or you can just leave the pieces on the floor and move the f**k on.”

I should imagine that the C are grieving, and I think that that takes time to process.

Or alternatively........

www.bbc.co.uk/programmes/b070dksr

Does S.U.M.O. involve brushing things under the carpet?

I once worked for someone who said ROI (rise above it) everytime you said anything about anything- irritating woman!

The author Paul McGee - aka the Sumo Guy - spoke at a work seminar I attended a few years ago. He was terrific, a fabulous motivational speaker, I bored everyone for months afterwards with quotes from his book and had This pinned to my office cork board for ages.

There's probably nothing new about his viewpoint but he was extremely effective at putting it across.

Love the alarm clock one, baubles!

Shut up and move on is a pretty crude maxim. There is something valuable in talking to others about a problem; it may help to achieve the "move on." It is when this continues for an inordinate length of time that it is counter-productive.

Pity, I had that on my bookshelves until recently and would have sent it happily. It's an inspiring book but meant for work situations, not really (in my opinion) the sort of book you'd recommend for the end of a relationship! Each to their own I suppose.

Doesn't it matter how old the children are?

annsixty unless there's a children's version of this book, then I don't agree it's suitable for this situation. For your daughter maybe, but children.

They are 16 and 13 Wilma GS 16 very mature, GD not so much.

I don't know...

I have read the blurb for the book and really like the sound of it for adults, but even teenagers need help understanding their feelings. Maybe their Mum should read it first and then encourage them to talk about the thoughts and feelings the book generates whilst they're reading it.

It sounds like good advice on life for adults, but I'm not sure when someone needs this kind of advice. Maybe sooner is better than later. I don't know.

PS Might buy it for myself!

Work situations, yes, but where deep feelings for a parent are involved SUMO doesn't sound like the best advice. As long as they can maintain a relationship with their father, even by Skype, that could help them work through their feelings, especially with help of others.

In fact, I doubt that your DC are the only ones going through this and often their peer group can be very helpful in this kind of situation. School could also have a counsellor, or recommend one, if they are having difficulty coming to terms with it.

School are being good and have counsellors who come in on a regular basis. But it was their GP who recommended this
book, he had come across it during some training so we shall see what happens. D intends reading it first.

I think it's a question of timing, there has to be a grieving time after something like this but after grief you have to move past loss otherwise bitterness creeps in and it can affect the rest of your life. We have all seen the destructive behaviour that can happen after divorce. I feel there is a time in most situations where for your own sake you just have to accept and move on.

Counselling can prolong grief and be as traumatic as the actual events leading up to it. It is not something I see as particularly helpful although many claims are made for it and CBT and Mindfulness.

You can waste a lot of time going over things that can't be changed and to no good effect. It is good to talk, to people who are available to you when you need them not artificially available by appointment.

Getting over betrayal is the hardest probably because of the deliberate nature of the hurt you have suffered, in the end whatever recovery happens, happens in time and at a pace to suit the hurt.

I found literature as helpful as anything else for my own hurts and clients (former mental health worker) hurt and grief are part of the human condition after all.

never heard of this before. Just briefly researched it on iternet. Apparently these are the principles:

There are six S.U.M.O. principles that are designed to help you create and enjoy a brilliant life:

Change Your T–Shirt take responsibility for your own life and don′t be a victim.
Develop Fruity Thinking change your thinking and change your results.
Hippo Time is OK understand how setbacks affect you and how to recover from them.
Remember the Beachball increase your understanding and awareness of other people′s world.
Learn Latin change comes through action not intention.
Overcome the tendency to put things off.
Ditch Doris Day create your own future rather than leave it to chance. Forget the attitude que sera, sera, whatever will be, will be.′

Not at all easy to translate into supportive action for the children. I suggest that Relate might be able help by atleast discussing in counselling how and which principles might be helpful in this situation etc.

All the best Emily

My mum should have had access to this book, fifty years after my dad left her and four young children with little or no money, she still thought he he might come back. If only she had moved on her life might have been a lot better, as it was her three daughters tried to make her happier for the rest of her life. So yes,move on, make a new life for yourself who knows if you try it could be wonderful. Please don't be unhappy, for your own sake and your children's. The best is yet to come. an old cliche but inspiring, stay strong.