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Welcome to the *Gransnet Café. This is a non-judgemental space for you to pop in for a cuppa with some virtual friends, seek out advice for a particular problem, or share an update on your life - important or trivial. Feel free to have your say and chat about your day, but please leave any arguments at the door. If you're struggling to find someone to talk to in real life, or are simply looking for a bit of a chat, this is the place for you.

Daughter and Grandchildren

(7 Posts)
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suzi57 Tue 23-May-23 15:19:38

About a year ago my daughter left her husband. He has mental health problems and she was finding it increasingly difficult to stay with him. Her and my two granddaughters moved into our spare room. I’m finding it hard to cope with the constant noise, mess and disruption this has caused myself and my husband. I fear she will not move out until at least one of us has died. The eldest granddaughter is Autistic and has ADHD. She has uncontrollable outbursts of emotions, sometimes anger and other times euphoria. She has similar problems to her father. My youngest granddaughter is lovely and quiet but has a problem with pulling off wallpaper and writing on the walls. I have tried to talk to my daughter but she seems happy just to not have to worry about living with her estranged husband. I don’t know what to do, I don’t want to loose them but on the other hand I can’t cope much longer with the constant disruption and disrespect of my home. (The whole house is like a tip!) Any advice would by welcome.

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Grandmabatty Tue 23-May-23 15:24:53

Give her a date by which time they have to move out. Help your daughter to speak to local authority housing department. If she is owns a house with her estranged husband, she needs to contact a lawyer. You say you don't want to lose them, but you stand a better chance of maintaining a relationship if they are in their own home. This is not healthy for anyone

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Hithere Tue 23-May-23 15:51:30

Thanks for helping your daughter and kids

What is your daughter doing towards moving out?

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Hithere Tue 23-May-23 15:56:16

Is this the same daughter and sil from 2017?
www.gransnet.com/forums/relationships/1236004-Daughter-and-Son-in-Law-dilema

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Shropshirelass Tue 23-May-23 16:05:39

I moved out of an abusive relationship with three children who reacted in different ways. My parents collected me and took me home with them. Looking back I was not coping, was rock bottom and welcomed the support. My parents never complained, it was a big upheaval for them, but I had to respect their home while I was there, it gave us stability whilst I built myself up again. I stayed for a few years whilst I built up my own business and belief in myself! I would not have coped without them and am eternally grateful for always being there.

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M0nica Wed 24-May-23 11:15:21

Set rules. It is your house and they live with you and need to obey any rules you set. This can include keeping things tidy, helping with housework, cutting down noise etc - and your daughter making an effort to find herself independent accommodation.

Initially you will need to constantly nag and tell them to do things, but eventually they will do things just to be free of your nagging and itmight encourage your daughter to look for new accommodation.

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HappyZebra Wed 24-May-23 14:27:24

The youngest granddaughter might be playing up a bit - losing a father figure no matter how is probably hard to process.

You can buy long rolls of drawing paper - might be worth getting one of those and encouraging her to colour / draw on that instead? Though she may be doing it for attention too because she feels a bit vulnerable.

I'd encourage them to go outside more too. Do you have space for any second hand play equipment in the garden? Or ask if you can take them out.

In terms of mess - do they have any storage to tidy things up into? My house was bad until I bought some units then everything had its place. I'm not saying it's okay to be messy - just easier to be tidy with a dedicated area for things. Otherwise like others have said, encourage dialogue around how long this will be and talk to her about what is actually bothering you.

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