gentle parenting

Fallingstar

As far as I understand it gentle parenting means sitting down with a child after behaving badly and talking them through what was so wrong about what they did and the possible consequences i.e. ‘hitting Lucy must have made her sad, which is not a nice way to feel is it?’
I don’t think it means ignoring bad behaviour.

Friends of ours used this method with their younger daughter.
I'm not sure if it is the right way either.
She does carry a lot of guilt now, perhaps because she was always made to feel guilty during long earnest discussions pointing out gently what she did wrong and the consequences of her actions.

I found a short reprimand in a calm but firm voice "You know it was wrong to do that. How would you like that done to you? Apologise to Lucy and don't do that again, please."

My own children seem to have grown into caring, law-abiding citizens and still seem to like me!

Babsbada

On the bus yesterday and man got on with 3 children. The children were beyond noisy and rude. Shouting, screaming, running about and changing seats and knocking into other passengers. He was well spoken and middle class and the children looked to be around 9, '7 and 5. He didnt even attempt to check their behaviour. I 2as very tempted to say something but didnt. Would you have done? If so what?

I would, and have. In buses, restaurants, trains, cinemas, shops., planes.

I have never heard the term 'gentle parenting' before, I thought all parenting should be gentle. From what I've read here it seems to be an excuse to NOT parent. Children need to have boundaries and if the parents don't set them then who will? By the time they get to school they might be quite unmanageable and even unpleasant as in several instances above.
Children need kindness and love but imo a part of that is readying them for life outside the home, socialising competently and knowing boundaries.

Thank the lord my daughter has similar discipline codes as I do and my granddaughter has grown into a polite, respectful young girl. A friend's grandchildren, 8 and 3, are described by their mother as sassy and independent- I call them rude and undisciplined. I can't spend long in their company as I have to bite my tongue so hard.

I have had to bite my tongue more than once with a lovely DIL who decided to gentle parent her youngest daughter. I don't agree with offering advice unless specifically asked for it so had to keep very quiet on this one and it's been hard.
This GD of mine was a super little girl until the time when she started secondary school. That's when her Mum started gentle parenting. In the 3 years this haphazard way of parenting has been going on she has turned from that darling girl into what I can only describe as a monster.
How her school has put up with her, I have no idea. She is everlasting in isolation or detention for insolence, fighting, refusing to work and wearing false eyelashes and nails when the school has a strict no make-up policy. She refuses to tie her very long hair back in Science and DT where naked flames and machinery are used.
Now 14, she goes out at weekends, dressed in such scanty clothes. She never tells her Mum where she is going and doesn't answer calls. The police or other parents have frequently brought her back home. No punishment is meted out as she threatens to smash the house up if there is.
My DIL asked me just once what I thought of gentle parenting and would I have used it bringing up my 5 children? Having been directly asked I told her exactly how I felt and how worried I was that there were no guidelines, rules or repercussions for her behaviour. I worry myself silly that she will get assaulted, raped or get pregnant.
Her language towards her Mum and older brother (17, brought up with strict rules and a delightful young man) is from the gutter.
I love her dearly but, my God, it's hard. She has never raised her voice to me and it won't pay her to because I don't do gentle grandparenting! So sorry for this rant.

I would have had to say something to any noisy children. I have even had to approach
Noisy adults spoiling our evening with very loud voices.
INSIDE VOICES PLEASE always!

On the bus yesterday and man got on with 3 children. The children were beyond noisy and rude. Shouting, screaming, running about and changing seats and knocking into other passengers. He was well spoken and middle class and the children looked to be around 9, '7 and 5. He didnt even attempt to check their behaviour. I 2as very tempted to say something but didnt. Would you have done? If so what?

Fallingstar .... exactly right.

But some parents have interpreted it as making sure that children are never challenged or resented with anything negative. Bonkers!

As far as I understand it gentle parenting means sitting down with a child after behaving badly and talking them through what was so wrong about what they did and the possible consequences i.e. ‘hitting Lucy must have made her sad, which is not a nice way to feel is it?’
I don’t think it means ignoring bad behaviour.

Luckily you live 2500 miles away!
The fact they can behave at school says a lot, their parents aren’t doing themselves or the children any favours I’m afraid.

Dear me, I would be cutting my visits right down and when the children were around I would just ignore them and say nothing, just ask mundane questions of the adults. You do not need to be treated like this. It is blatantly disrespectful and your daughter should be stepping in. Give me the child at 7 and I will give you the man.

sharon103

I wouldn't let any child treat me this way. They are downright rude.
Please or offend I would say something.
What are they like at pre school and school?
They will find out later in life there are rules. Especially when they go to work.
I brought my 3 up with respect and manners.

Apparently they are very well behaved at school. The 6 year old is apparently the class clown but nothing that has been identified as a problem.

I wouldn't let any child treat me this way. They are downright rude.
Please or offend I would say something.
What are they like at pre school and school?
They will find out later in life there are rules. Especially when they go to work.
I brought my 3 up with respect and manners.

Smileless2012

I'm sorry that the time spent with your D and GC was tarnished by the children's bad behaviour Tigerlily.

As we are constantly constantly reminded here on GN when it comes to GC it's the parents' rules that matter, regardless of what GP's may think of them, or as it appears here, the parents' lack of rules.

This really isn't your problem, it's your D's and s.i.l.'s and if they can't see that it is now, I'm sure they'll realise in the not too distant future and maybe the next time you visit, things will have improved. I certainly hope so.

Yes I agree that it is their problem which is why I didn't say anything. I'm just trying to sort out how I feel about it and find out if this is a common occurrence with todays parents.

LOUISA1523

That is lazy parenting...or non parenting .....gentle parenting has boundaries and consequences

Yes it does, and done properly, it’s a great technique.

I'm sorry that the time spent with your D and GC was tarnished by the children's bad behaviour Tigerlily.

As we are constantly constantly reminded here on GN when it comes to GC it's the parents' rules that matter, regardless of what GP's may think of them, or as it appears here, the parents' lack of rules.

This really isn't your problem, it's your D's and s.i.l.'s and if they can't see that it is now, I'm sure they'll realise in the not too distant future and maybe the next time you visit, things will have improved. I certainly hope so.

It’s lazy/non parenting. I feel sorry for the children, it must be a terrifying world to live in when there is endless choice and no boundaries in place to keep you safe.

Well ... if this is how your daughter deals with this so be it. However, you do not have to, if it is directed towards you then say something, how else will they learn right from wrong and what is acceptable behaviour and what isn't. There is a big difference between kids being naughty and kids being downright rude.

LOUISA1523

That is lazy parenting...or non parenting .....gentle parenting has boundaries and consequences

Absolutely agree! It's hard to understand why any parent would want to raise an unruly, rude child.

That is lazy parenting...or non parenting .....gentle parenting has boundaries and consequences

Sounds like you are in the USA?

6 year old going to ‘pre school’?

I know someone in the extended family who did this.
By the time the children were more than toddlers, three boys, no one in the family would babysit for them or have them to their house alone.
The marriage broke up eventually,don’t know why and the boys went to live with their Father so I lost contact and never asked about them.

Gentle parenting can be interpreted in many different ways and clearly the extremes (as with the extremes of anything at all) are undesirable.

It need not mean failing to set boundaries, which are the necessary structures within which a child can feel safe to learn and grow - and become a sociable human being.

Sane gentle parenting can be summed up as trying to put oneself in the mind of a child with all their lack of experience and puzzlement about the world, and their developing emotional regulation abilities.

So - you have a rule, say - you are not rude to people. A gentle parent will model this behaviour by not being rude themselves and when a child fails at this they will ask themselves why the child has failed - what made them do this? They can then address that whilst at the same time holding fast to the principle that the action was wrong.

Say a child has a temper tantrum at being asked to do something they do not want to do. You can get annoyed at them and punish them for it, or you can ask yourself why it is hard for them ... "I know it feels annoying that you have to do this as you really wanted to watch TV and are fed up about it, but you must do it because ......."

Children need those boundaries - gentle parenting supports those whilst also recognizing that they might be hard for the child.

Tbh I would call that lazy parenting,not gentle

I so agree, gentle parenting I’m all for, allowing children to be unruly, rude and badly behaved, isn’t, imo, gentle parenting.