Daughter says no visitors for three months

I remember that neither my mother nor my MIL were any help with breastfeeding advice. My mother suggested milk stout to increase the milk supply and my MIL asked whether I had enough milk! They added to the stress, although both meant well.

You were lucky paddyann54

Not all babies nor all births are like that.

My second yes, I hardly knew I had him!
However, the first one was a difficult birth, as for walking a mile the week afterwards, I couldn't have walked to the end of the garden. Not all babies sleep to a pattern either, however calm the mother is; they may have undiagnosed problems too.
I was grateful for help.

We're all different as are babies too.
What we can't do is predict.

Three months in a long life? Perhaps don't worry just wait.

luluaugust

I suspect your DD is wanting to keep MIL from popping in more than she wants, so has put a ban on you all, however, baby is not here yet and plans do change. If she has any stay in hospital she will see the other grans turn up and babies being admired. Would be interesting if you could let us know what actually happens in the end

I had just come onto this thread again to say exactly the same thing.

I don’t recognise the “babies are hard work” I came home with my daughter on the Thursday ,she was one week old,
On Friday morning we were up an organised to walk the mile to our studio where she spent her days in her pram.beside my desk.
She was there with walk breaks until playgroup 3mornings a week but spent half each day with me in work until she went to nursery at 3 .
I still managed to do the housework and cook every day and I washed all her clothes by hand.
I genuinely don’t understand why all these young and presumably healthy young women can’t manage a baby by themselves.
My daughter and I are and always have been very close .
My OH didn,t have leave…it was our own new business if we didn’t work we didn,t eat.

Essay
You don't have to be useful for domestic chores
or for anything else.
Stand up for yourself.
Be busy.

She’ll probably change her mind.

I’m wondering if your daughter is intending to join an anti-natal class like NCT.
If she does she will very likely make friends with the other women there, all of whom will be expecting at the same time as her.
Then once she has had her baby she will want to meet up with the other new mums to compare notes, show off her baby and this three months isolation nonsense will go out of the window!

I would put money on it!

Ideas change all the time. I remember in the 1970s, a paediatrician advised me to hand the baby round as often as possible right from the start, preferably leaving the room myself for a while myself "so Baby doesn't fixate on you as his only source of care and comfort". His belief was that, the more often (and earlier) children meet new people, the easier it'll be for them as they grow up. Back then, we believed that we'd naturally bond with our babies - nowadays, apparently we should be working at it by isolating ourselves from other people for a specific timespan. And soon some other "craze" will take off. Unless there's actually child cruelty involved, I can't see any harm in these changing points of view.
My mother was a real pain in the neck about advising me how to care for my baby (to be fair, she probably felt the same about me). On one memorable occasion, she actually shaped up to punch me because we held different views on the best way to clean a baby's bum! Because I stuck to my guns, she would bring it up (preferably in company) for years afterwards, as an illustration of what a terrible mother I was. I wouldn't wish that on you, Glam, so I think your best bet is to bite your tongue and let her bring up her baby however she thinks is best. As time goes on, those 3 months will just be a hazy memory.

Esmay

Congratulations ,but it is bittersweet for you .
It is their baby and their choice .

Hope for some nice photos and just back off .
I'm hugely disappointed in being a Grandma.
I'm only useful for domestic chores when it suits and inheritance.

I’m very sorry that this has been your experience.

It is not the same for everyone. I wouldn’t have got through the three months since losing my husband without our children and grandson. They’ve lost their beloved dad and grandad but have gone beyond to make sure that I’m managing even though we live 250 miles apart.

Congratulations ,but it is bittersweet for you .
It is their baby and their choice .

Hope for some nice photos and just back off .
I'm hugely disappointed in being a Grandma.
I'm only useful for domestic chores when it suits and inheritance.

NotSpaghetti I agree.
Basgetti yes it should not to a given that all grandparents are wise and offer help practically. A lot are but some are just a burden...especially the 'know it all' types.

Allsorts

Think its selfish and ridiculous, thank goodness mine were proud to show baby off.
However her rules just let them get in with it, in fact I would book a nice holiday. What if she has another child? It gets dafter. I would not make any comment or show concern, just say fine, let me know when you feel ready and carry on playing golf. They obviously do not think much of family involvement,

Petulance is not attractive at any age.

Our children had no choice in being born. That they chose to invite us into their own family lives is a privilege and it would do well for some grandparents on this thread to recognise that.

Congratulations on becoming a granny. It’s a lovely thing to be.

Luckygirl3

*So many women on this thread hoping the daughter won't cope without her parents and inlaws* - I do not think that is what I am hearing at all.

Just experienced mothers who know that family help can be invaluable, especially with a first baby, and this young woman might be glad of some input before the 3 months is up. Not hoping she will fail - of course not.

And all the advice is rightly to respect the DD's wishes.

As an experienced parent, I can testify that some grandparents are a pain in the bum and still require to be entertained and looked after.

Oh, and my lovely husband never “drove me mad”. Why on earth would he have? Our love had just brought new little people into the world.

As an experienced grandparent, wait until you’re invited and don’t offer unasked for advice or opinions.

The relationship after the birth I think depends on the relationships you have before.

MarieElla

Regardless of your grown up child's gender, the role you play in their adult lives depends on your relationship with them and their partner.

I agree.

I suspect your DD is wanting to keep MIL from popping in more than she wants, so has put a ban on you all, however, baby is not here yet and plans do change. If she has any stay in hospital she will see the other grans turn up and babies being admired. Would be interesting if you could let us know what actually happens in the end

butterandjam
Yes, it is a cruel, heartless comment. She is only 25 and is entitled to plan for her baby with her partner. It may be a mistake to exclude the parents. wider family, etc. but any kind, loving parent who knows their daughter well would be understanding and open to a change of plan instead of letting her have 'consequences'.

MarieElla

butterandjam
"Let her make mistakes and face the consequences"
That's cruel.
Lots of new mothers cope well without parents' support.
And surely if a daughter was struggling and asked for help regardless of what she said before the birth, any decent mother would be straight over!

"Cruel"?

You sound just like one of those "very opinionated and judgemental "women" you mentioned.

OP's daughter is not just excluding her mother, father and inlaws; for three months NOBODY can visit the baby.
No friends, no neighbours, other young mums, no local community support you found so helpful.

That's the mistake.

Unless her partner works from home, she's going to be a lonely socially isolated new mum.

That's the consequence of the mistake.

And surely if a daughter was struggling and asked for help regardless of what she said before the birth, any decent mother would be straight over!

That's the solution, which the new Mum and baby will no doubt arrive at together, all by themselves.

Don't be silly BlueBelle, it's not judging to comment on some of the nasty comments regarding the OP's daughter, it's calling them out.
And of course, I haven't a clue who anyone is and nor do you!
It's an anonymous online forum not the local cafe!

I find some of the women on here to be very opinionated and judgemental

Haha pot calling the kettle black there MarieElla you haven’t a clue who anyone is on here and yet you are judging them ….laughable .

I wonder if there’s a concern here about fairness to both sets of grandparents. If the new mum doesn’t want the in laws to visit maybe this has to apply to the other GPs.
One of my SILs is a wonderful husband and father. However when DD suggested I could go on holiday with them SIL
said it wouldn’t be fair unless his parents were also invited. DD wasn’t happy with this so no holidays for me!

GlamGolfGran

Thank you everyone for your responses. You've given a lot of good advice, and I also appreciate the emotional support. I definately am planning on respecting her boundaries, regardless if I agree with them or not. And I will try to be reasonably supportive in ways that do that. For all of you who say she'll change her mind once the baby is born - I hope you're right. But whatever happens, I have a full life that I love, and I'm going to focus on that. I actually have a weekend trip that will take place around the time of her due date, and my husband and I may plan another one. I'm not going to let the grass grow under my feet!

This is a very reasonable, level-headed approach! Congrats on the impending new family member .

lovethepuppies

That sounds like a healthy response GlamGolfGran. Three months is pretty extreme, even for those who take the babymoon approach. Is she anxious in general about health? Maybe she feels happier when baby has had vaccines?

If she has another, I think she'll find the experience quite different. You can't just hide away for three months. Somehow you also manage to bond with the second child.

Possibly Covid caused a lot of anxieties, especially in younger people and children.

It hasn't gone away and she may be worried about the baby being in contact with germs and viruses.

MayBee70

My son and his wife were totally indoctrinated with the NCT rules that they were told when they went to their classes. By the time they had their second child they’d realised that pre planned rules don’t work and when it comes to babies and young children you basically just wing it….

That was me!!
Rules must be obeyed with the first, rules more relaxed with number two and by the time number three arrived, I was positively laid back!

“Let me know when you’re ready for me to come round, darling”
&
“Let me know what I can do to help, darling”

Absolutely, Fara56.

Respect her rules but be prepared for when the reality proves to be quite different from what she imagines it will be.