Daughter in Law and false accusations

BlessedArt

I don’t dismiss any parent when they are concerned about adult males and children. True or not, as a mother I err on the side of caution.

She can choose to keep her child away from your husband. You can choose to not provide childcare.

I agree here.

Err on the side of caution.

It's usually I'm afraid to have to put up for a fight for my children sadly this is can be the case .

*toward his child or spouse.

To add, in this day and age I just don’t take anyone’s wife’s word alone when it comes to inappropriate male behaviour. The amount of women who never suspected anything untoward from some offenders is astounding. DIL could be the most difficult person in the world and I will always give the parent the benefit of the doubt when it comes to safeguarding their own children. Mothers today are hyper-aware and much less willing to excuse or turn a blind eye to certain male behaviour.

Regarding the son, he knows he’s married to someone so dangerous the whole “afraid to lose the kids” argument in 2026 doesn’t hold much weight. It’s usually “I’m afraid to have to put up a fight for my children” like decent parents should and do. No one would be able to accuse my husband of a terrible action toward a child and my son goes along for a quiet life.

I don’t dismiss any parent when they are concerned about adult males and children. True or not, as a mother I err on the side of caution.

She can choose to keep her child away from your husband. You can choose to not provide childcare.

Silverma

I agree, if he had made such comment, it would be completely inappropriate and the matter would have to be addressed and dealt with. However, he did not make any inappropriate comment. I am very sure of that. There are always two sides to a story. In this case though it is simply that my DIL is lying. We have got caught up in this through no wrongdoing by us.

Is this the proof that OP's dh didnt say that comment?

Just making i am in the same page with the rest of the posters

I totally sympathise with the OP.
We are in a situation that has similarities. We have no idea how to deal with it. We have never come across anyone who behaves like this and are afraid to do anything that might make the situation worse. This means we retreat to be on the ‘safe’ side. Very ,very sad.
I wish you well Silverma

Silverma, you say there are no accusations about your granddaughter - are there accusations regarding your Grandson? Or are they solely to do with your husband’s alleged remark to your Dil, made several years ago?

Hithere, I think the OP has given a pretty clear insight into her DIL’s personality, and we have no other source of information. And people have asked why the son isn’t doing anything about the situation, and the OP’s answers give further insight into the relationship/personalities of both son and Dil.

This isn’t necessarily a case of the woman not being believed, or the man being untrustworthy with dil or children. The OP is rather guarded, and it would be a mistake to jump to conclusions. Posters can only consider the information given, which in this case is quite limited.

The poster will not necessarily think her husband has not made the comment but she has not mentioned his response to that or being banned by his DIL from caring for his grandson at all.

Questions are being asked to establish the facts before judging personalities.

Forgot - this is not about the grandkids, this is about getting to clear this comment and if possible, rebuilding any kind of relationship with the parents.

We do not have enough information in 4 posts to give feedback here from OP + drip feed.

If this happened, this is a serious issue.

Of course the MIL will think her husband did not do it.

Generally speaking, not applicable to this post, the victims of sexual harassment and abuse, it takes them years to speak up and take action.

Also, women, when they speak up, are not believed.

As usual, it is a war between the women in the house and the men are quiet as mice.

Why no posters have asked:
1. What are the personalities of FIL and DIL?
Has anybody else raised concerns about DIL/FIL's comments told to other people?
How does FIL/DIL react to other people, apart from DIL/FIL? Is he/she easy going? happy? reserved?
Both questions apply to both

Of course they don't have to be answered in the forum - it is just questioning the echo chamber.

2. Why is not son doing anything about it?
No, losing his kids is not an excuse

How has your husband responded to the account of the remark he was accused of making in 2021?

Do you have evidence that she has reported it to 'The Children's Centre', which is exactly.....?

Were you informed about this remark in 2021 or recently?

What is your son's response to all this?

You, your husband and your son cannot allow these allegations to go unchecked. I suspect they are aimed at her husband and you both but you need to establish exactly what she is saying, who she is accusing, and to whom is she saying it. My feeling is that these are threats, nothing more, and your son is taking the easy way out by not confronting her bad temper.

I wish you all the best in sorting it out Silverma. I can only say that you might be wise in seeing your GC alone for the time being, as that is what their mother has insisted upon. You can also seek advice from social services for advice on protecting yourselves against any further accusations.

I think I am asking for advice on how to deal with the situation we have found ourselves in. Many of you have advised against visiting alone, some have advised to visit alone to keep contact with grandchildren. I think I will have to seek legal advice and go from there.
Its a very difficult, strange situation which my husband and I are not experienced in. We quite like drama free life. Obviously the main priority is the children.
I thank you all for your comments and advice. It really has helped me try to make sense of it all. Thank you x

I agree, if he had made such comment, it would be completely inappropriate and the matter would have to be addressed and dealt with. However, he did not make any inappropriate comment. I am very sure of that. There are always two sides to a story. In this case though it is simply that my DIL is lying. We have got caught up in this through no wrongdoing by us.

Yes but as Delila says MOnica ,could Silverma starting to have her GD again have triggered the current situation with how the DIL feels.
I think LtEve has a valid point too.
And all acknowledge we don't know all the details.

LtEve

To be honest if my FIL had commented that he wished me and his wife could swap places I would have been utterly disgusted. It is a totally inappropriate comment and I would think twice about allowing access to my daughter. I probably wouldn't have said anything but I would have put obstacles in the way of regular meetings.
Obviously in this situation we don't know all the details as we are only hearing one side.

But how do we know he did say what she claims he said? The sort of person who makes that kind of remark is normally not the kind of person who makes one remark and never makes another and, as others have said. She was happy to leave her child with him for 5 years before saying anything.

Silverma, could you clarify please - is your DIL concerned for her son’s welfare when being looked after by your husband? She claims that your DH made a risquè comment about her several years ago, yet both you and your husband have cared for your gransdson regularly since then with apparently no objection from your DIL.

Did the minor disagreement about caring for your granddaughter trigger the present situation?

To be honest if my FIL had commented that he wished me and his wife could swap places I would have been utterly disgusted. It is a totally inappropriate comment and I would think twice about allowing access to my daughter. I probably wouldn't have said anything but I would have put obstacles in the way of regular meetings.
Obviously in this situation we don't know all the details as we are only hearing one side.

What is your DH saying about all that is going on?

butterandjam

*She claims that my husband made sexually suggestive comments to her once in 2021. *

Then she allowed him to have regular access as carer, to her m and f children for 5 years?

She'd have trouble convincing Social services, police or a court of that !!!

Agreed.

Silverma

She claims that my husband made sexually suggestive comments to her once in 2021. When my son asked her to explain further she was vague, only saying that he said something like he wished she and I could swap. She is stating that this puts her and her children at risk. She has also texted the same to me and to a local children's centre.

Assuming you kept the text, it seems you could perhaps call Social Service, deline you and DH to be near the children until this is sorted.

Welcome to the echo chamber.

He has suffered her emotional controlling abuse for a long time. He knows her accusations are lies but feels he has no choice but to go along with her demands to keep her from turning on him more. I do not understand her agenda in all of this.

Her latest accusations about your DH are the next step in this abuse of your son. He should get some legal advice regarding the way forward and protection of your DGC.

The accusations are not about granddaughter.