In a Dilemma

"We have not spoken since May and I have not seen my grandson although they live in my house. Any thoughts?"

My thoughts are how can that happen? Where are you when your grandson is around? I find it incomprehensible unless you have been confined to one room or he has.

I’m fascinated as to how the house runs if you can havnt spoken to your son ( living in the same house) since May.
Do you share the kitchen and bathroom?
Who buys food, who cooks, who cleans?
Most importantly, who handles finances.
Very strange.

I am curious as to how you cannot see people who are living in your house with you especially your grandson isn’t he running around
Are you shut in your own room I m really not liking the sound of this Do you go out at all please do see a solicitor if you can afford one or Citizens Advice Age concern anyone really for advice

No “normal” and decent couple would treat their mother like this, it’s bullying, gaslighting, call it whatever, it’s plain and simple abuse. If they’re living under your roof, you are entitled to respect, consideration, kindness and definitely a financial contribution. Please get help as others have suggested.

Do you live in USA? I find this so weird - how can you not see a small child who lives in your house? Are you living in a castle? Anyway, you need legal advice - this doesn’t sound normal or healthy.

Allsorts

This is elderly abuse. You and your sister report him. Make him move out and change your will. If you don't he will be be getting you out. It's hard to face but they don't care and
why would you think you could be part of their lives after five years being treating like some thing on their shoe.by a couple of scroungers. I!would sell up and get a retirement place and start going on holidays and living, not scuttling to your room. I just wish I could sort him out. ,I would not want him or his wife, family or not, awful bullies. It's not his house it's yours, make him get off his butt and get out.

Yes, this exactly. Sounds like coercive control / elder abuse to me. Talk to your GP and get referred to a therapist who will help you get out of this situation.
I'm afraid they need to get out of your life.
You can try to be normal with your grandson but they will probably block you - until he is older and starts to understand.

If I’m completely honest, imho, both your son and your DiL have a bloody cheek living in your home and treating you with such contempt.

You made an error and you apologised. You were not gossiping, you were sharing family news with a family member.

I’m pretty tolerant, but I wouldn’t tolerate this.

It will only get worse if you don’t address this.

Leave it til after your Grandson’s birthday, and yes of course you must see him, play with him and enjoy yourself with him.

Now, you might have explained, but do you have self contained accommodation in your house, and they occupy another self contained space?

O.M G! These people are insane!- why would it matter anyway if your sister,who is his aunt,knew DIL was pregnant? Why is it a secret? And how on earth have you not seen your grandson when they all live in your house? What do they do,hide him? I would give them a month to leave, and also report them for this strange behaviour- it cannot be good for your grandson to be in a house where he doesnt get to see his grandparent,yet lives in their home? And what about new baby? Will that be hidden as well? It all sounds very weird to me.

They live in your house but you haven’t seen them since May? Do you live in a castle? It’s your house, do as you want in it, don’t say in your room. I would be very tempted to ask them if you could all sit down and speak or resolve the situation or give them notice to leave.

This is absolutely awful. You must be constantly living in fear of upsetting this very entitled couple. Your life seems not worth living with the way things are. You have been given good advice by the people responding to your message. They are totally correct. You need to go to a solicitor to get advice and support, you are being emotionally and financially abused by your son and his wife. They are taking advantage of your kindness and using it against you. Why? Because they know that you will do nothing. Do you want the rest of your life to be one of silences, arguments, blackmail and unhappiness? You need to talk to your sister, ask her to accompany you to the solicitors and then explain everything. The way you are living is not normal and those who have said that it is elder abuse are correct. It is hard to accept that your own son is being so hurtful and abusive but he is. You need to get help.

Dont spoil his birthday,but after that ask them if they are going to let you see grandson on a daily basis like normal families(he is in your home after all?) And also to cough up some lodgings/rent money? If not give them a months written notice.Dont worry too much, im sure council wont see them on streets with kids.This couple are toxic.

OK I’ve read back and now I remember other issues.

Please clarify,

Is your son your only child?
Does your son legally own any part of your home?
Do you own your own home outright?

How many siblings do you have?

No wonder your nasty controlling son doesn’t want you talking to your sister!

This is elder abuse.

Tell your sister, then go to the police, just to lodge the complaint, then go to a very good solicitor.

To be brutally honest, it doesn’t matter anymore what you do and say, no one, should feel scared in their own home.

Do something and do it NOW! Please!

Contact Social Services that you are being intimidated by your family. They will support you under Adult Protection protocols without involving the heavy brigade. However, you must stick to your guns! Unfortunately many vulnerable people cave to pressure. I can imagine these two bullies will not be easy to put down. Do you have anyone in your life who will support you?

These people need reporting! I would tell social service as well because if theyre like that with you,what are they like with their child? Its all very weird behaviour. And yes i would sell up, as others said,so you can feel safe- get a nice little retirement sheltered place,so theres always someone you can get help from,if needs be.This couple are NEVER going to let you have reasonable normal access to your Grandchildren,theyre just bargaining tools to them.Live your own life unafraid.

Go through courts to get visitation rights to grandchildren.

Definitely abuse, you sound frightened in your own home you sound like a scared animal running and hiding in your bedroom
Please seek help and give us an update I think we re all behind you on this one

I think there is a lot going on here that none of us are aware of. It goes a lot deeper than the issue of the grandson. You will never be at peace Gurms until you address the difficult situation that you find yourself in. The difficult situation isn't just the here and now but obviously it goes back further and for that you may need counselling to help you through it. That also means standing up in the first place to your son and his wife. You've got to have and show respect for yourself before they will have any respect for you. It is important that you deal with the bullying before you are of an age or a capacity that you cannot deal with it. I find it difficult to know what to say, especially as you have asked for help before. You can keep on asking......the answers will be the same. Get respect for yourself and then you will become stronger and able to deal with it in your own way. You might not be able to control your son or his wife's behaviour but you can deal with how you deal with it and what you give. You don't ever have to put up with bullying or blackmail from anyone. Ever. If you don't deal with it now, I feel it may become worse in the future as now your son has a tool which he knows you enjoy (your grandson) to beat you with.

Gurms this may not have cropped up yet, but please do not set up the Power of Attorney documents with either your son or daughter-in-law named on them! 😳

Firstly why do you allow such disrespect in your own home. With regard to a birthday, my suggestion would be to set up online a premium bond account, a gift for his future.

They certainly wouldn't be living with me any more

Oh God you poor thing. You can see how this could happen. "Cab we stay with you mum while we get sorted" etc. Then, you find you're outnumbered and even an unwelcome visitor in your own home. Oh please tell me you didn't sign the property over to him! This is elder abuse surely? If you ask them to leave you may never see them again and only a mother/grandmother will truly know what that means. Yet I could see them asking YOU to leave if you're not proactive. I don't know about anyone else reading this but it made me feel so angry and yet so helpless.

V3ra

Gurms this may not have cropped up yet, but please do not set up the Power of Attorney documents with either your son or daughter-in-law named on them! 😳

Gosh yes! If indeed you have set anything up in terms of PoA please revoke it by contacting Age UK or Citizens Advice (or a solicitor if you can afford it).

They are living in your house, but keeping their son away from you, and apparently both your son and daughter-in-law are treating you like dirt under their feet!

What have you to lose by asking them to find accommodation elsewhere?

You are already estranged from them,

You are made so uncomfortable that you stay in you own room, instead of going where you want in what is, after all, your house.

If they move out, you will be able to go where you want and do what you want in your own house.

If they are not paying rent and their share of utilities' bills, home insurance etc. then you will be better of f without them.

Frankly, if money is an issue, you would be better off renting a room or two to a total stranger, who could be expected to treat you with respect.

I admit, I do not remember all the details of your previous situation with them, but honestly, it cannot get worse.

In your place, I would give them two or three months' notice and refuse to extend it, irrespective of how hard it may be for them to find other accommodation.

Has your DIL no family, they could live with for a change, if they either cannot find a house, or cannot afford one?

Please please don’t ignore all this heartfelt and extremely sensible and good advice.

Please speak with a trusted person NOW! Whilst you’re still able too.

You simply have to face the fact that your son is a bullying, coercive, nasty man.

Stand up to them, but have someone, a trusted someone, or even two people beside you when you do this.

Have you been hiding your son’s behaviour from your friends and family?

I understand why, but this needs to stop and it needs to stop NOW!

Could your sister move in with you to make you feel safe while you get them out?
It's hard to pluck up courage and take action. But you can, get help from the sources people have already mentioned. Good Luck. xx