Am I being unreasonable?

anotherGran/NotanotherGran - your view on this topic is welcome.
Quote: "It’s too much stress just to appease my parents..."

This fast-paced world in which we live makes us feel like we must always be doing, fixing, keeping up. Myself, I like to have my grands at my house so that I can show them things. Perhaps an old photo of their dad (my son) when he was a tyke. I do think that it can be boring at "Grandma's House," but there is value in children entertaining themselves -- whether with siblings or cousins.
Alas, life is not perfect. The slower pace of life is gone. I blame cell phones.

This is from the perspective of the small family. We have a four year-old and a half year-old. I am a stay at home mom that helps my husband with his construction business and we have a small chicken farmer trying to open. This has been a big conversation between my parents and I.
My parents are retired empty nesters, and they want us to go to their house for, a pool party, or to come “relax”, come to our house we’ve been to your house X amount of times now.
But just like other commenters on this board, when I’m at my parents house I feel like I’m just sitting there twiddling my thumbs while what feels like 5 million things I need to do at my own home is piling up. Also, it’s a 45 minute drive there, so on the way there my kids fall asleep, now our nap and bed times are completely thrown off for the day. It’s an 1.5 hour ride round-trip that’s a huge chunk of my day, so now it’s visiting time plus an hour and a half of driving, nap is messed up so now kid is cranky, then we get home late bc we always leave later than we need to and now dinner is thrown off, bed time is thrown off and it just bleeds into the next day. I don’t understand why my retired, empty nester parents can’t come to me to make things easy. For most parents it’s never as simple as oh just jump in the car and go over there for 2 hours and go home.
And I tried to do it for a long time- years I spent trying to go over there once a week and it’s just not feasible for me. It’s too much stress just to appease my parents in the name of “fairness”. Fair doesn’t mean equal.
Villager’s help, they don’t keep score.

But this is completely my own scenario, may have nothing to do with you

Also, my username is supposed to be NotAnotherGrand (to show that I’m not a grand, i’m an active parent on this board trying to gain insight into what/how my parents may think)obviously at the age of 42 I can’t use technology already, so I have no clue what the future holds for me.

Thistlelass

I have not said anything. It was lovely to see them. Yes I do struggle with my housecare and I get embarassed when stuff is lying around that I have not managed to deal with. I am on permanent treatment for Major depressive disorder. I have B12 deficiency and do my own injections. My legs are heavy and tired and I take frequent sit downs. I have hypothyroidism. Most recently I have holes/tears in my retinas. So I do tire easily and find it difficult to keep clearing up. My daughter-in-law was saying today she reckons it wont be long.until my 11 year old granddaughter decides to get the bus down to see me. Now wouldn't that be lovely?! Maybe now they have done this I can more naturally talk with them all about bow happy this leaves me feeling.

I have no health or stamina problems, I often have stuff 'laying around' causing me no embarrassment at all. My husband and I live here.

Perhaps give yourself grace.

Thank you. I hope things maybe get a little better for you too. Can be very difficult to get the right balance.

Thistlelass -- "My daughter-in-law was saying today she reckons it wont be long.until my 11 year old granddaughter decides to get the bus down to see me. Now wouldn't that be lovely?!"

WONDERFUL! So happy things are moving in that direction.
I do see what your view. I, too, enjoy having visits from my DC or DGC. But it really doesn't happen much, and I live with it. I respect your comments about financial restraints. I hope you will scale back the cost of a meal...and if DS or DiL notices, you can take the opportunity to say, "I'm trying to watch my expenses."
I wish you well. Depression is a hard thing. Sometimes, we just wish for a little "more" in our lives. I hope you find it <3

I have not said anything. It was lovely to see them. Yes I do struggle with my housecare and I get embarassed when stuff is lying around that I have not managed to deal with. I am on permanent treatment for Major depressive disorder. I have B12 deficiency and do my own injections. My legs are heavy and tired and I take frequent sit downs. I have hypothyroidism. Most recently I have holes/tears in my retinas. So I do tire easily and find it difficult to keep clearing up. My daughter-in-law was saying today she reckons it wont be long.until my 11 year old granddaughter decides to get the bus down to see me. Now wouldn't that be lovely?! Maybe now they have done this I can more naturally talk with them all about bow happy this leaves me feeling.

I’m a bit confused as well to be honest about what you want.
You say you want them at yours but don’t like the mess they make and that you’re not really very well.
I presume the family are aware of your health issues and are sensing that you don’t want them for long?
You also seem a bit resentful and prickly about what you do for them and the cost involved - do you think they are picking up on that?
Best way forward is to actually talk to them about what you would like as it seems to me you are giving out mixed messages.

That’s great. Maybe they have a bit more time as it is a Bank Holiday weekend? Or did you say something?

I'm not really sure what you want. You want them to pop in, but you don't want them at your house because of the mess and you aren't well. I'm confused ...

Just to say I have just had a pop in visit from my family.

I'd beware of telling them how you feel. Might be a risky move.
It's unlikely to result in what you want.
Don't rock the boat.
Might fall out.
Take care.

You sound a bit prickly OP.
Could you ask them to go halves on the cost of the meal.

Me seeing my grandchildren has nothing to do with luck and everything to do with working at the relationship with mum and dad. I do think of stepping back from the cooking but it is part of the routine which has brought me closer to the kids after having been very ill. I guess I will keep plugging away at things. But any grandparents not acting to deepen the relationship are not helping their position.

I think you make a good point, ASHANTY

You’re lucky to see GC regularly as many of us don’t have that luxury.
I understand you want family to Pop in to see you, but have you told them that?
I also understand it’s easier for you to cook & care for GC in their own home (as they’ll have their own things there) and you don’t want the mess of them coming to your home. But this is maybe why they don’t visit.
Just my opinion

I would quite like my son to visit on his own, yes, as we have good conversations together. nanny2507 I could drop in on them any time I wanged really. I just would like to have them in my home from time to time.
I'm not bored! I have a very active mind and am intetested in what is going on around me. I currently volunteer for Victim Support and am looking to do more hours, possibly for Marie Curie. I wish I had time to be bored 🙂

Bluebell to say that she should pay for that meal 1 day a week is a bit short sighted. You have no idea how much money this lady lives on and a meal for 5 can cost a lot. But I would give my right arm to have my daughter to ask me over. I moved house to be closer and the invite, without having the GC, rarely happens. But I will take what I can and if having the GC and being there that night is it, I'll grab it. Its not them being rude or mean they are probably just so busy with work and activities for their children that time runs away xx

You say the cooking you do is good for you as it doesn’t happen at home so I’m confused as to what the problem is then . You see your grandchildren and your son and daughter in law. I presume it’s because you want them to visit you

You are saying they both work, your son from 7.30 am they go away in the camper at weekends, I am sure the children have after school hobbies they catch up with you once a week, when would you like them to drop in exactly, what more would you have to say, that isn't said then , if it's going to be the same conversation over again wouldn't that be boring? Is it because you find the other days long and boring? Try and find a hobby or group to help you overcome that even if it's a coffee morning / afternoon or bingo, if you ask at your local library what is going on I am sure they have a list. Do what ever you are able to do, give it a go. Honestly your family will appreciate you all the more. Also I know £20 sounds a lot but it isn't to feed a five it isnt.

I wouldnt see anything wrong with your son popping over now and again in his own. I see all three of my children on their own at various times. Its much easier than trying to fx it up with everyone.

Everybody is aware, for example, that I could not have thd children overnight at my house as just too much for me. I need to say that I value picking the kids up after school, doing the meal etc. I do find it a bit expensive tbh but just keep on going as the relationships are important. There is only me in my house. There is no spouse backing me up and it can be a fight financially. I own the house and am responsible for maintenance/upgrading. I would mean for them all to drop in and would not single out my son to visit on his own. People on here seem a little on the disrespectful side with regard to other people's finances. I think I have done fairly well to keep this arrangement working for about 3 years 🙂

Im trying to get your vision of hiw you want it to be.

You want them to pop in unexpectedly, have a cup of tea and a chat and then leave?

Just your son? All of them.? I cant really see that working with the children. What would they be doing for forty minutes or an hour while the adults drank their tea? It might work with just your son but then that eats into the time at at the time he has to spend with his children at the weekends.

Maybe be quite clear about how you see it working before you tell them what you want.

It looks to me that they realise you cant really cope with the GC at your house and that's why there's this arrangement in place.
If you get fatigued and don't like mess at your home its best you stick with the way things are.
You dont have to spend £20 on a meal but to be honest that's not a lot t feed 5 people.If you were to take the children out after school you could easily spent that amount and more.
Maybe have a chat about it if you dont want to carry on with this or just dont want the expense of the meal...you could just pick the children up from school and give them a snack and leave when their parents arrive home

I cook a full mezl for everyone because my son has been working manually since 7.30 in morning. Carpenter. And DIL also has a good appetite. The cooking at their house is something I view as good for me as does not happen at home. My grandchildren have tried out various recipes I have made. Not always successfully 🙂 Yes I do sometimes take them out to the Cinema. All three of us enjoy that. I think I am going to have to bite the bullet snd try to tell them how I feel.

Do you take DGC out? Or is the only social interaction at their house with you cooking? If so the £20 a week is cheap if you consider the cost of outings! Soft plays, cinema even a park trip with possible cafe or ice creams