Daughter in law lying to cafcass.

There is a lot of abuse, lies, deception and using the children as pawns it seems to me.

My working life was full of it.
Regarding cafcass, no, I'm sure it's not infallible but we lost a lot of experienced staff some years ago which can't have helped.

I can think of one case where the father was extremely clever, educated and manipulative and seemed to be believed at first - but, with support, I believe the child got the best outcome (with her mum). It took a long time though - as both mum and daughter had already been very damaged by this man.

Are you saying that fathers should admit abuse in order to prove they are telling the truth?

What a tangled web we weave indeed.

Hithere

We only know one side of the story here

Generally speaking, abusers claim they do not abuse and the other party is lying

People lie all the time- but lying about abuse is on a whole other level.

This is a very complex and serious issue that affects the lives of children.

This has been going on since February

www.gransnet.com/forums/relationships/1345152-Not-seeing-grandchildren

We only know one side of the story here

Generally speaking, abusers claim they do not abuse and the other party is lying

Good to read Nannee- only those who have gone through this can know the devastating impact it has. I wouldn't wish it on anyone...

I know what you mean keeping quiet it does feel like you're alone in taking on the system, it can be very isolating and very hard mentally & emotionally so it is good to know others, having gone through the heartache, the total disbelief of how the system confounds expectations of fairness, do come out the other side.
The hardest thing I found to deal with is the lack of impartiality, whoever gets it in first tends to be believed, whether it's the truth or not, which leaves the other party fighting to "prove" their version of events.
I'm glad the telling of our journey through this horrible, stressful time has given some comfort and hope. The very, very plus side is my granddaughter is now a wonderful 18 year old, so kind & thoughtful but so much her own person, no-one but she is ever again going to be control of her life - she's amazing!

I notice that your son and daughter-in-law are separated, not divorced. Are they proceeding towards divorce, and is the break-up pf the marriage due to one of them walking out? Is it this which has caused all the bitterness?

Nannee49

Fifteen years on from our family trauma with Cafcass and the whole family court system, I have to say it is absolutely not fit for purpose, Cafcass being the most malign in affecting the child's future.
My beautiful, supremely intelligent and aware grandchild has come through it but has been deeply affected by not being listened to - even though all involved in the decision process parrot this as their top priority - and the decisions made for their future.
I've often pondered that some enterprising law firm bringing action for trauma and damage caused might be the only way to effect change, the floodgates would be smashed open.
Keep fighting your corner easybeachit's a long haul but the day will comewhen the children will say enough is enough and simply refuse to comply or be manipulated by a flawed system any longer. They need your love and support even if they are unaware of it right now, it's so hard but try and keep the faith in your own way, there are some good suggestions on this thread.
Wishing you and your family all the very best

It may sound odd but in one way it is good to read this and realise we are not on our own in having these problems!
Sometimes you feel so isolated and begin to feel you are going mad, questioning yourself and your motives all the time!

I agree with the whole system not being fit for purpose- and certainly not child centred at all.

My GD is still young but boy can she make herself heard!
She was very put out that when she was at her mum's the Cafcass man asked her lots of questions but when she came to our house (my son lives with me) he didn't ask her any! She thought that was very unfair... he was with us for four hours, and never spoke to her!

Sorry ,I meant to say didn’t have to go through this

Nannee49
Thank you , I appreciate your comments and good wishes very much.
I just wish so many of us have to go through this when it could so easily be avoided.

Fifteen years on from our family trauma with Cafcass and the whole family court system, I have to say it is absolutely not fit for purpose, Cafcass being the most malign in affecting the child's future.
My beautiful, supremely intelligent and aware grandchild has come through it but has been deeply affected by not being listened to - even though all involved in the decision process parrot this as their top priority - and the decisions made for their future.
I've often pondered that some enterprising law firm bringing action for trauma and damage caused might be the only way to effect change, the floodgates would be smashed open.
Keep fighting your corner easybeachit's a long haul but the day will comewhen the children will say enough is enough and simply refuse to comply or be manipulated by a flawed system any longer. They need your love and support even if they are unaware of it right now, it's so hard but try and keep the faith in your own way, there are some good suggestions on this thread.
Wishing you and your family all the very best

I really feel for you Ladygaga. I hope it will all be sorted for you very soon. I agree that its also making myself and my husband ill with all the stress and worry. We just pray it will be sorted soon but im not optimistic. I will never understand why some women behave like this. Surely they must realise at some point as the children become older ( our grandchildren are 8 & 4) they will see and understand what is happening and she risks losing them..!!!!!
Its so very wrong they can try and alienate and constantly lie without any consequences. 😟

Thanks Smileless2012 , that’s my favourite saying. Let’s hope so - for all these spiteful, nasty women.

It looks as if your step son's wife is reaping what she's sewn LadyGaGa. Women like this aren't fit to be mothers.

I didn’t realise this was so common place until it happened to us. I’m so sorry it’s happening to you too OP. My step son has been accused of awful things by his wife. She has had him arrested twice in front of the children and he is still on bail. She has a non molestation order against him. There is a court order to say the children must live with their mum. But the children are 11 and 14 so are voting with their feet - everytime they were made to go back they ran away (they are older so know it’s all lies) they all live with us now, and the police keep coming round and accusing us all of kidnapping. In one day recently they came round 4 times. It’s making us both ill too it’s so stressful. I had such respect for the police, cafcass etc and believed in the system and that justice prevails. But no longer- the system seems broken. This very complex situation just goes on and on. We are lucky as the children are old enough to defy any order, so bide your time OP. My son’s best friend is going through the same thing and hasn’t seen his 5 children since before Christmas. Women like this also take away from the women who are really being abused and need help.
Keep going OP. Let’s all hope that justice does prevail in the end. Keep in touch with your GC. As they get older they will hopefully understand the truth.

I’m also sorry to read this thread. I’m shocked that it is accepted that “the behaviour is normal” and “nothing new”.

What a messed up system if a bitter or vengeful parent can influence such an important decision regarding the best interests of children, by telling lies, and get away with it.

No, it isn't a court order (although most court orders are based on the Cafcass section 7 report) but it is a recommendation that they can invoke this clause, even if, as you say, it is rare.

Maybe there are some impartial and experienced Cafcass officers out there, but the one we have just isn't up to the job and it seems there's nothing anyone can do about it...

Cafcass don't issue court orders.
And I think this is colloquially a "barring order". These are extremely rare. It doesn't mean you can't go back - just that you need permission to proceed. (If you know this, apologies).

I am sorry it seems to all be going wrong.

keepingquiet

Perseverence is onething- but Cafcass can issue court orders preventing fathers for reapplying to court until the child is 18 years old?

This is what my son has been 'threatened' with.

How old are the children currently?

Perseverence is onething- but Cafcass can issue court orders preventing fathers for reapplying to court until the child is 18 years old?

This is what my son has been 'threatened' with.

Good for your son for attending parents' evenings, and if his wife threatens to remove the children from sports day etc if he should attend make sure school is aware, as it would be recorded as an unauthorised absence.
A horrible situation for you all, but perseverance does pay off eventually.

This is par for the course, your son will give his side of the argument, children will have their say if they are old enough, court will decide. Unless there are very good reasons the mother will get custody of younger children, if she is aggrieved she can make life very difficult.

There is no logic to breakups, couples who seem well suited fall out, so do couples unsuited, grandparents pick up the pieces as best they can, best hope is the children stay local.

keeepingquiet still waiting after 12.5 years.

So sorry to read about what your d.i.l.'s doing to the children, your son and you and your DH Easybeach. Some good advice has been given here; I hope something can be sorted out.

I'm not still waiting for Karma- after 4 years I don't believe in it anymore...meanwhile my GC is used as a weapon.