Grandchild dislikes me

I think health plays a big part in how much grandchildren want to be with us. Let's face it when they are little they want to romp and chase and do physical things a lot of the time and play games sitting on the floor. Kids are totally self centred when little. If it's not fun they don't want it! Simple as. I wasn't able to do those things with my own granddaughter and it did make for a less attached relationship. Even now that she's 8 she's very attached to my daughter and I'm someone mostly on the sidelines. It doesn't mean she doesn't love me, just I'm not as important. She was not a cuddly child, quite the opposite but recently she has spontaneously hugged me more and I know she loves her visits here. I make special meals for her and she knows that I love her. They do change with time. The secret is to take the lead from them , not force them into our ways. And yes, it has been painful at times.

I think, just be kind and consistent, try not to put any pressure on him/her. Always greet the with a smile.

My first grandchild didn't like me much when she was younger. The family live in another country so I hadn't seen too much of her for first year. However, I was asked to come to stay and help when 2nd one was due. I was definitely last pick - she would tolerate me when no-one else was around, but if anyone else appeared - other GM, uncle, aunt etc, I was completely ignored. Even after staying a few weeks, and sleeping with her at night, she would go to anyone else in preference to me!

However, that changed as she got older and now she seems to enjoy my company and doing things with me. Her brother, however, is still quite distant - he's one of those who doesn't really like physical contact, so I know not to even try and hug him, and only hold his hand if necessary - crossing road.

?for you Donna.

Donna. No excuse - not looking for sympathy-just talking about state of mind. Life is never easy. Guess I am disappointed in me not being the mother or grandmother I wanted to be

On the basis of your understandable state of mind, then you need to stop "beating yourself up" about mistakes made and look to how go forward not making the same mistakes, which you will be able to do.

You have realised that you "screwed up" which shows that you are a thoughtful and sensible person who is able to self reflect! That is NOT someone who is a failure! It was a mistake, partly for the reasons I outlined above, but its not the end of the world, it doesn't make you a complete failure and most of all what you are dealing with at the moment is very likely to be a big part of the reason why you are feeling and reacting as you are.

As Monica says, it takes courage to admit that your approach to something was less than perfect and to come back to an open forum to do it. That also shows that you are very far from a failure. You just made a mistake

I hope that your appointment with the Dr tomorrow goes as you would wish.

Yes, it takes courage to admit on an open forum that your approach to a problem may have been less than perfect.

I think you are already well on your way to a lovely relationship with your grandson.

By the way Donna, very few have the good grace to come back as you have. That shows you’re a far better person than you give yourself credit for. I’m sorry I was snippy with you - we never know how another may be suffering and just assume that apart from the issue they mention all’s fine in their world. So please accept my apologies, lesson learned. More?.

Life is never easy. Guess I am disappointed in me not being the mother or grandmother I wanted to be.

No, it's not.
We all think we could do better and if we don't we'd be arrogant and foolish.

? with the diagnosis.

I wish you well Donna and maybe thats why you are insecure.
Take a step back,children don`t like feeling suffocated.

I’m so sorry and hope you get good news tomorrow. I’m sure you are a good and caring mother and grandmother. Just try to relax and go with the flow.?

My apologies for the unclear explanation. At times, people assume everyone knows the things they know.

Wow. Yes, I am insecure. Yes, I screwed up. No, I don’t plan on being inappropriate again.

I see my cancer docs tomorrow for the results of a biopsy. No excuse - not looking for sympathy-just talking about state of mind.

Life is never easy. Guess I am disappointed in me not being the mother or grandmother I wanted to be.

So he is 4!

1. Sitting next to you in a restaurant! That is no big deal at all - in that particular moment he wanted to sit next to someone else. Next time he might want to sit next to you! That is what 4 year olds do!

2. Crossing the road - loads don't want to hold hands at 4 because they THINK they don't need to...they do of course! So non negotiable - he holds hands or you hold his jumper /hood/whatever - his choice which one but absolutely no lee way that it WILL be one of them!

3. Comparing how how treats you to his other grandparents by asking him if he would behave like that with them - completely inappropriate for a 4 year old, who is basically learning to negotiate relationships in different ways with different people.

4. Asking why " we aren't friends" to a 4 year old - well other 4 year olds might ask each other that but you are an adult and his grandparent! Why would you ask him that at 4 years old?

5."Person non grata" as you call it may well be partly because you are continuously drawing attention to his behaviours (or your interpretation of his behaviours) towards you ...and a 4 year old who is beginning to assert independence and learn about how he can impact on others may well be testing your reactions, as you have successfully highlighted your concerns to him!

I think you need to think very carefully about why you are seeing his behaviours as being about YOU! Why are you interpreting them as being about YOU!

I am not saying any of the above to be unkind...I think it is really important for you and for him in building a relationship that you think really carefully about all of the above and then make a plan for developing your relationship and tempering your responses for the future. Remember he is only 4 years old, that is very little!

DonnaB5959

Sitting next to me was at a restaurant.
The holding of hand was to cross a street and for his protection. Sorry I was unclear

Oh, that's different.
Yes, I remember picking DGD up from school and she refused to hold my hand crossing the road. She said thank you but she knew perfectly well to look out for traffic and so I grabbed her coat instead. I'm sure she didn't like me much at that moment but I didn't ask.

Yes, that question is even inappropriate for an adult.

Why didn’t you make that clear at the outset Donna? Makes a huge difference to how your post came across and what everyone’s taken the time to say. Yet another post with half the story. So he wanted to sit next to someone else at the restaurant table. So he wants to look grown up and not be seen outside holding hands (tough, it’s for his safety)? So what? He probably tells the other grandparents how wonderful you are. Stop pestering him with questions which a child of his age can’t answer.

I have two delightful GD. One is over the top tactile and the other snuggles up very very gradually and in her own time if at all but I don't think for one moment either cares for me more than the other. Just amazingly different personalities I guess.

Instead of hands, I have to get my kids' tshirt, pullover, dress, etc... when crossing the road.

I think your gc is behaving accordingly

We went to a Grandparents' Day school assembly once and DGS1 and 2 presented us with the "Best Grandparents" certificate....with strict instructions that we had to pass it on to the other GPs. Next year DH was awarded the "Best Grandparent" certificate featuring him alone. My day still hasn't come, but I think they like me really.

Don't take it to heart, OP. Children hate to be interrogated and put under pressure. Just relax and enjoy his company.

Honestly, they seem like normal behaviour for a boy his age.
My girl kicked up an almighty tantrum about holding my mums hand to cross the road at that age.
(In front of the one person I had prayed she wouldn't- of course!)

Sitting next to me was at a restaurant.
The holding of hand was to cross a street and for his protection. Sorry I was unclear

Thank you for your thoughts. He is 4. Given the responses I am embarrassed but hopefully I have time to turn this around.

I have always found that just standing back and letting the grandchild make the relationship is the best. Thinking back to my own childhood, I loathed adults that demanded love and affection, no matter how subtly.

My DGS went through a stage as a pre-schooler and when starting school, when DH was everything, and he would divert round me to get to him and showed no interest in me at at all. i just left it to him. He is now 11 and is loving and affectionate with me.

Dare I say this problem says more about you than him. Why does your self-esteem depend so much on the affection of your grand child. Deal with that and the problem will probably resolve itself.

I can remember telling my grandmother that I didn’t like her when I really loved her. I was three years old and was being looked after by her as my brother was being born. I remember standing at the bus stop that would take me home and carrying on like anything and screaming my head off.