Struggling with Son living abroad

Our son is our only child and has lived far away from us a few times in his life. He is now a mile away because my husband is ill and because he and his wife (who are now divorcing) needed our help with childcare and housing. I would say the same thing that others have said, which is that what is most important is our children’s happiness. Our son was not necessarily happy when he was far away for various reasons and that was more of a concern for me than the fact that he was far away. I’m not trying to use “the grass is always greener” cliche because I don’t think that helps. I’m just saying that the best thing that our children do is to make happy and productive lives for themselves. Would we like them to do it next door to us, sure, but that doesn’t always work. I remember the first time our son went away for two years my dad said that I must have been a terrible mother because he went so far away - he was a very provincial guy who lived his entire life in the same small town where he grew up (apart from when he was in the army during WWII) and that generation believed you stayed close to home. I replied that I felt I’d done a good job as a mom because he had the independence to move away. I’ve seen an item online that is a lamp and each person can touch theirs and the other person’s will light up - it’s a way of letting the other person know they’re thinking of them and sending love. It’s not the same as FaceTime or Skype and it’s a gimmick I guess but I thought it was sweet.

You were the ones who moved abroad in the first place, though. Even though your son was young he felt the pull of home.

Be happy for him.

My son went off to the USA some years ago to marry a girl he had met through a gaming site on the internet. Although I was worried initially he was in his 30's and old enough to know what he was doing. They are now happily married and I have two grandchildren in the USA. I am so grateful he has finally found someone he can be happy with after four engagements that ended unhappily here in the UK. I no longer need to worry about him as my D-i-L takes care of all that We keep in touch over the internet and I am hoping to get to visit them this year. He cannot leave the USA because he has not completed his citizenship yet and would not be allowed back in if he came here to visit. My advice would be to try to enjoy what contact you have and keep the thought that he is happy and settled in your mind as that does count for a lot xx

My daughter and family live in the USA, and we have seen them once in 5 years. We are restricted for health and financial reasons, and I would be over the moon if I could see them every year!

Frankly, the sense of loss never really goes away but, like most things, you get used to it. WhatsApp is a wonderful thing, and helps to keep everyone in touch.

I would like to thank Patticake123, Roweenaa, Thumbertbear, Hetty58, Sue500, December girl, Juliet27, Suslane, Not Spaghetti, Susie q62, Grandmaof2, BusterTank, Matelda, Debz7172, Querty, DotMH1901, Nanamar, Pelican, Minerva, GreenGran78, grandtanteJE65, mizzymazda, millymouge, Guineagirl, GrannyAnnie2010, MariaEliza, Dinahm, Davida1968, annep1, Bluecat Madmaggie and Lucca for your kind comments and not making me feel worse.

Bluebelle you are 100% right. Totally back him and have actually been encouraging another of our children to seek work abroad. Such a big adventure and we want them to follow their dreams.

jura2 - yes in the EU so we are lucky it's not as far as many. Thats a bonus.
Sodapop yes the answer is not with us moving to his place as we still have others in Education and the reason we left there has always been the right one.
Bluefinders - great suggestion. That would be ideal.

Ehlantine21 - nail on the head there. I've been feeling low as we are just after a recent tragedy in the family which our Son has found hard to be away from.

red1 - yes that old saying must have been 'invented' for a reason. How very true.

icanhandthemback - yes you are completely right there. Thank you for making it clearer.

Thank you for your positive comments and especially for not kicking me when i'm down!

There are a few people on here who are always ready with the ‘snap out of it.......others are worse off.......you have been just as bad’ sort of comments. I can’t understand why they can’t just butt out, if they have nothing helpful to say. Some people just make themselves feel better by making others feel worse, I think.
99% of Gransnetters, though, empathise with other people’s situations, and try to be helpful/sympathetic/cheering to the person who has posted their problems. The other 1% don’t even merit a reply, especially a polite one.
Best wishes for the future, Jojo. I hope that you find contentment, in time.

Hope I will be sympathetic to jojo1515 .
DS 1 lives aboard and has right of residency in that country. He lives there because of his job and says he will never live in the UK again.

We see him maybe 3 times a year and we do miss him, but we know he is happy there. We FaceTime every week, and I feel close to him emotionally at least.

I just worry about the fact he is single, but again that is his choice and I don’t question him about it. I think I would be happier if he did have in-laws, but that’s just how it is.

He likes to keep in touch via FaceTime with his 2 nieces, and though they also see him only 3 times a year, they adore him. We try to have a weeks holiday together once a year.

It’s just life. We have to let our children follow their own path.
I am just grateful that we are not estranged like some families, and are here for each other should the need arise.

I understand part of your upset is not seeing your grandchildren, but a friend of mine with her family in Australia keeps in touch with FaceTime, and it gives her pleasure making little, frequent presents for them.

I truly hope you will be able to come to terms with your separation. You are not alone in your situation

Thank you GreenGran78. Having in the past taken negative comments to heart and seeing someone close take their own life because of it, I have learnt to see that those people are bitter and sad in their own lives. They get pleasure in bringing someone else down to make themselves feel better.

We have always accepted our sons decision to move and we 100% wish him well. We did it ourselves and I admire his confidence to do it himself. But it was the emptiness I was feeling, as is my husband, that we decided to ask others for tips on how to cope. Some lovely people on here have given us that strength.

It is very difficult but it is what it is. Skype, Facetime, What's App makes it a little bit better as they don't cost anything and with What's App you can just pick the phone up and speak to them as you would if they were just around the corner. Try not to get too bothered about him being near your extended family - difficult I know if you haven't had a good relationship with them in the past. With them being nearer to him than you are means he will always have family close by (frogs and all) should any emergency pop up. My daughter has no family member living nearby, neither from our family nor her husband's and with a 22 hour journey for us door to door (and an extremely expensive one) it can get a little worrying but I try not to as there is absolutely nothing I can do except maintain contact and have an internet relationship with my (only) grandchild.

I think allowing yourself to grieve a loss is important. Loss of the face to face contact, hugs etc. It is a loss. Maybe there's some anger too, seeing the extended family be smug.... But eventually you will be ready to choose new options and perhaps see opportunity where now you see only disappointment.

My son moved to SE Asia after university and lived there for 10 years, married an Asian woman and quickly had four kids. I used to visit whenever I could or between jobs. Then hey presto, one day he came back with the entourage and landed in our two spare bedrooms while he retrained. Now we are 8! Crazy chaos ensued with children 6, 5, 4, 2 who had to find schools, be cooked for, looked after. We are now in the third year and my husband is not keen but my son can't afford a house for all his brood. So we plod along. It's great to have them all here but sometimes a bit overwhelming although now all at school. But I'll miss them if they move back to Asia. Secretly I hope they won't for a few more years.... but if they do, that's their life and choice.

I have a married daughter who has been abroad now 5 years. She initially said she’d return but it has never happened. They have outstanding jobs, bought an apartment and are now trying to start a family. I do believe they are “settling in” and will not now return. If they do, it would be a gift but not expecting it anymore...
To address your emptiness—
I found peace when I finally let go of my expectation and assumptions that I we would continue to have family closeness, holidays and be an involved grandmother one day. Clearly my daughter’s choice wasn’t to scrap that but life has a way of “getting in the way” sometimes. It doesn’t always turn out the way we dreamed it. And then we get stuck. I do have my other two kids and now I additionally invite friends on holidays to fill those spots. There are those who never had children or whose kids are afar etc. I could retire now but since there are no grandchildren to devote my time, I continue to work at my own business which I enjoy. Sometimes we have to make do and be flexible. That therein lies the Coping. Your dream and your son’s were not the same but you can make the adjustment when you let go of your initial expectations. It will take time to figure out how but you can do it. Good luck and my blessings.

I’m in a similar situation as my son lives in Australia with his Australian wife and their two children. His wife’s parents bought the house next door just in case they wanted to move there! I miss him very much and he is not the best at staying in regular touch. However, we are able to see him every year and he is always really pleased to see us.
It’s hard not to be able to share their lives and know that you miss out on so much. However, I tell myself that he is happy and I remember how happy and proud he was on his wedding day whenever he looked at his new wife.
I find one way of coping is to know when I will see him again and try not to think about if there will be a time when we can’t travel.
I get a bit cross when people tell me how lucky I am to be able to have “holidays” in Australia.

Nanamar, I never knew about these lamps, thank you. Sone children have a lot of adventure in them too. Something I would never say is the reason they live away is that you were a bad Mom. Quite the contrary you and I have done our job well, least that is what I tell myself on my good days and the fact we let them go with our blessing means they love us more.

Humbertbear I read yesterday that ‘our grown up children are people we used to know’.

Wow, I've never heard that before but it really strikes a chord with me. It is so true!
They grow up and (boys in particular, maybe?) become different people.

I'm lucky that my sons have ended up back near us, and we see each other regularly, but as adults, they really are different people now from the children that I knew so well.

It’s always difficult I think when children move abroad. Thank goodness for Skype etc . My son has lived abroad for six years now and is unlikely to move back to UK. At first I felt that we would rarely see him and contact might be lost and I was quite unhappy. That has not been the case, I was very wrong, we regularly Skype and also use WhatsApp a couple of times a week, I like to keep him included in any family news, also visit as much as is practically possible ( he is a four hour flight away). He is very happy where he is and has a good life, he is independent and very capable of looking after himself, your son sounds exactly the same, keep in contact and visit as much as you can, and feel proud that you brought up a brave independent young man making his way in the world.

Its a sad fact that families now live miles apart. I grew up living in a house with extended family and consider myself so lucky to have had that experience. It was so hard for my mum when my sister moved to Canada in the late sixties. Then we never had email, skype and whatsapp to keep in touch. Phone calls were reserved for birthdays and xmas as it was too expensive.
They kept in touch with weekly letters to each other. As the years passed by and phone calls became cheaper they spoke more regularly and every week in her fimal 10 years. I too moved to a different part of the country and every school holiday was spent driving to stay with my parents. I regret moving so far, not because of them, but because of my husbands elderly grandparents. They adored our young family and from weekly visits they dropped to a couple of times a year. That seems selfish to me now. My dream was always to retire to France and part of the reason for that choice was its proximity and cheap flights to the UK meaning I could divide my time and maintain regular contact and visits to my children and grandsons in the UK. That is being made harder by brexit and changes in the law which mean that children cannot be taken out of school in term time even for a few days making it impossible for them to visit every year because of the cost of travel in school holidays. So we go to the UK more than we would choose.Do you speak to your son every week? If not my advice would be to ask if you could have a regular weekly phone call. You phone him one week. He phones you the next. Its good you have a good relationship with his partner and have daughters living near you.

My daughter (a musician who teaches the violin) married and moved to the UAE 7 years ago. We were able to visit once, but my husband’s disability has got much worse and he can’t travel now. She comes here for several weeks in the summer (it’s school holiday time and really too hot over there), and we Skype frequently. We still miss her of course, but when I was a child my sister went to Australia on the £10 emigration scheme. We didn’t see her for 20 years! Letters of course, and a 3 minute phone call (booked with the GPO months in advance) each Christmas. Skype is absolutely marvellous! We do it on our phones so we can move around so she can show us things and we can let her see stuff too. How my parents would have loved to have been able to do that!

My oldest son has lived in America for almost 18 years now. Of my four children, if I’d had to guess which was the most likely to emigrate, it would always have been him. He had a fascination with America from being a small boy, although I hadn’t anticipated he’d meet an American girl in the UK and marry her!

It was hard at the time but as my Dh and I and our two DD’s were about to move to Indonesia ourselves, I had not a leg to stand on! My son is an American citizen but is still very British in his ways and he loves coming ‘home’. I think as a family we’re as close as we’d have been if he’d stayed in the UK, although he’s now been away for so long I can’t really imagine how his life would be here in Britain.

My eldest son, daughter-in-law and 2 grandchildren 4yrs and 1 yr old live in Tokyo. Like many of you I communicate via FB Messenger and Skype on the phone etc. I am in my near mid 70s but still work - I'm self-employed and HAVE to work to pay the bills -BUT I also enjoy what I do, and would be unhappy without it. I see them all about once a year - but my youngest son (38) who lives and works in London I also only see around once a year too.
I can only re-iterate what others have said is -basically - find something for yourself to do and begin to love yourself - your children have grown and need to be able to do their own thing. It doesn't mean that you don't love your son, like all of us we'd do anything for our children, but we have to get on and live our own lives. Things are hard at the moment with the Virus and may get harder but keep in touch with your family and friends, - and I gather you have others nearby - I don't! It's important to be your own person to be able to love others wherever they are.

JOJO1515 when my son decided to live in australia with his second wife, they moved to where she had grown up with their new baby... I was so very disappointed that they had chosen to return to australia, but it was their lives.. then my second daughter decided to emigrate to canada, and that broke my heart although I still have three more children in england... but I get over to see them every other year, and despite being not well with various needs, I manage to have a great time when I go... I knew it would be hard not having them near me growing up with the children, but we facetime and write and see each other every two years... it is hard, but they have a super lifestyle that they would not have had in england, so bless all of them- we had our chances, now its their times!!

My daughterinlaw does not reply to messages right away , she does not have a job , or takes a week to do so . It seems very controlling but all I want to know is how my two littlegrandaughters are and their mum and dad. Any folk out their with similar experiences ?

I guess it’s not that important to her to reply to the occasional message. Does your son reply more quickly to your regular messages to him?

My daughter married an American lad and went to liver in the USA. I did not come to terms with this, and in fact could not say goodbye to her. He was a lazy oaf. eventually the marriage ended and she came home. No kids though. I was so happy when she came home
.
Now she is happily married, 2; gorgeous kids, living about an hour's drive away from us.
So there is hope!!! Lots of love xx

Jura- oh dear, we’ve just spent 5weeks with our daughter. Hope we didn’t overstay our welcome! Actually yours was a very good point.
We are always aware that our Aussies have a life so try not to swamp them with our company when we are staying with them. We take ourselves and them, if they want to, off for a break or two.
We are leaving on Wednesday and I’m trying not to think about it, that horrible time at the airport.
Still JoJo back to the messaging and FaceTime, and the family in the U.K.