A dil who needs advice ☹

SirChenjin Wed 11-Sep-19 11:52:37 No I'm not, that's just how your mind works. You are judging me from your own perspective and not reading what I wrote.

Anyone who has been on GN for a long time will have seen such things come up before from new posters and their friends. After they have got what they want they disappear, never to be seen again. I'm not saying this is the case this time, just saying that I have seen such things many times before. I have even seen one where some of us recognised the person concerned and knew that the truth had been twisted.

However, assuming every detail is correct, I cannot see how it helps good relations to retaliate in the first instance. Surely being kind is a better option to try before being harsh. It surprises me that anyone thinks it is not worth trying. Why make people unhappy if there is another way?

I would have said, GOSH you just took the very words out of my mouth. I was just going to say that to you. See how she likes it.

Nonnie I'm absolutely reading what you wrote. “Do you always 'tell' your DH what to do? Does he always do as he is told? Do you really want to confront her and upset your husband” "I worry that the next step will be telling her DH to choose between her and her MiL" and “Breaking up families should be a last straw and not be encouraged” – those sentences indicate you believe that the OP is putting her DH in a terrible position, that she’s effectively telling him to choose between her and his mum, and that actually, the OP should just be kind to her MiL (who is incredibly rude and insulting to her) because otherwise the next step will be a divorce and it will be her fault for being so unreasonable to her poor DH and his mother who really doesn't deserve 'harsh' (ie firm) words.

I agree with you Nonnie.
I wonder if all those recommending that umbrage should be taken, words should be had, threats should be made, etc have never in their lives said something very stupid that they later regret.
For all we know, the OP’s MiL could be on here next week asking for advice on how to repair the rift in the lute between her and her DiL.

No, I can honestly say I've never behaved in the way that the OPs MiL has (remembering that this isn't a one-off, stupid comment).

I wonder if all those recommending that the OP be kind are the sort of MiL to dish out hurtful insults to their DiL and then feign innocence when challenged?

She sounds nuts to me. The child is yours, not hers and she has access to the child, when you and partner agree to it. Remind her of this.

I get what your saying Nonnie but I have had several instances where this woman blatantly insulted me only to chalk it up, to I was only kidding and you take everything the wrong way. I am sick and tired of everyone co signing this woman's BS. Not to mention my husband was on the phone with her last night and was acting as if NOTHING happend she calls my husband talks about her work, my son and everything under the moon, but before she gets off the phone she says tell Kristina I said hi. She never calls me by my first name, she calls me my nickname that everyone calls me. She just wants her rude remark to be swept away, makes my skin boil. This may sound harsh but her only day off this week is tomorrow and I know she expects to babysit while I go to my appointment tomorrow I might just take my son with me and ignore her, give her a taste of her own medicine. Why treat the mother of her grandchild like this? I want to avoid her till I cool down, I shouldn't have to deal with my husbands mother when he's not around. If I sound cruel maybe she should watch her mouth. I have been patient enough with this woman and tbh Iam at my wits end

Why didn't you take the baby back and say, "Well, that's a nasty thing to say!"?

SirChenjin Wed 11-Sep-19 12:14:46 why do you think it is OK to tell her husband what to do? I would never do that to mine, I would ask him. I didn't mention divorce, that has come from you. I do think it could be a case of putting her DH in a difficult position, yes that is what is quite possible if she takes some of the advice on here. Presumably he is an adult and quite possibly loves both women, why should he be put in such a position if there is another option to be tried first. I rest my case it is in your head not my posts.

janeainsworth Wed 11-Sep-19 12:39:15 Absolutley.

SirChenjin Wed 11-Sep-19 12:43:50 you have a very strange outlook to assume that "those recommending that the OP be kind are the sort of MiL to dish out hurtful insults to their DiL and then feign innocence when challenged?" You couldn't be more wrong, some of us are a lot kinder than you. I have a great relationship with my Dils and that is because we are all kind to each other, no power struggles with us.

Tiny I think it is nice of her to "She never calls me by my first name, she calls me my nickname that everyone calls me.", she is treating you like a friend. What is wrong with that? Have you asked her to treat your differently from your friends?

Have you thought that she would think she was helping you by looking after your son when you go to your appointments? I think most of us who are able would make that offer out of kindness.

"She just wants her rude remark to be swept away" has she been told you think it was "a rude remark"? If not then she probably isn't sweeping it away, if she has she may find it difficult to know what to say.

How would you like your husband to speak to his mother? Do you want him to have a row with her? Would that make you feel more in control?

I think you had already made up your mind before you joined GN and just wanted others to agree with you. I think this because you don't appear to have given any thought to trying to be kind and resolve this in a nice way.

You rest your case?! You were the one who talked about breaking up the family. You seem absolutely intent on putting the blame and responsibility for this at the OP's door, and if your DH is happy to sit back and watch his mother continually insult you while you have to ask him to stand by you then I can imagine why you feel the way you do about this.

As you seem so keen to defend a woman who has been rude and insulting to her DiL I wonder if you see something of yourself in her?

Wow!! I would never dream of saying words like that to my dil. Totally out of order!! I love my dil to bits, she married my son and for that I am over the moon he has someone to love, and she him.

My late mil was awful to me for almost 20 years, so I understand what you must be feeling. I kept my distance but remained polite. I'm afraid there's no one size fits all answer to this, I just think you must protect yourself - if your dh is not around, don't see her; if she lives with you, take yourself to another space or go out for a few hours. Don't be afraid to call her out on nasty things, I did, and although she didn't accept it, I felt empowered to do so.

I wish you all the best lovely and hope there will be a better times ahead for you. Xx

Kindness is a sound approach in most circumstances. The snag in this case is that MILis a bully and she masquerades her aggression with ridicule, and offensive, snide remarks.

OP has limited choices.....by getting her DH involved there is the risk of escalation. The other choices are to look the other way or to confront. Looking the other way won't stop the bad behavior because in essence, that gives MIL a pass. OP already tells us that 'getting her to accept me' didn't work. That's because as I mentioned previously, bullies prey on vulnerability. That's why 'kindness' is unlikely to work or win MIL over.

The only deterrent to bullying is to confront the bully. No need to stoop to MIL's level. OP just needs to stop her in her tracts without being hostile or stooping to her level. If MIL still wants a row, she'll have to bear all responsibility for the consequences.

tracks not tracts

SirChenjin Wed 11-Sep-19 13:28:34 I see you can read but you seem unable to understand. Give me one instance of where I defended the Mil? I didn't I suggested what she might feel or think, I did not defend. Also it was you who mentioned divorce not me.

I actually had a difficult situation with my mil before DH and I married and we discussed it together and worked on it together. We were good friends as a result. I wouldn't dream of telling DH what to do but then I don't have to control anything.

I pass one of your unpleasant comments back to you "I wonder if you see something of yourself in her?" Perhaps you feel the need to control someone and have no kindness, your comments would appear so.

Nonnie, what you are failing to understand is that standing up for oneself is not being unkind.

It is hard to deal with people who are deliberately hurtful then claim ignorance/humour

On MN the stock response is "did you mean to sound so rude?"

May be worth trying that one in the MIL next time she says something mean

I understand you perfectly Nonnie, the meaning of your posts are very clear. As I’ve said before, you seem to have confused having a firm word when necessary (as it certainly is in this case) with control.

First congratulations on the birth of your baby
I can’t believe that a grandma would use the expression “resting bitch face” about a baby, or anyone else for that matter.
I too hate the word bitch. Tell her you find it offensive under any circumstances.
She should be ashamed of herself, so tell her. She is far too mature to use such language anyway.
Also I agree with other posters, get your partner to back you up, and also your fil, if he is around.
You must stand up to her over this, but try not to cause a big row.
I wouldn’t dream of speaking to my dil like that. Our relationship is too important.
My granddaughter is just like her mum and I tell dil so, and how lovely the baby is, just like her.
TBH I’m quite cross on your behalf. Enjoy your baby, and don’t let this nasty woman get to you.
Good luck.

Summerlove Wed 11-Sep-19 16:39:10 I didn't say that, why are you accusing me of something untrue?

SirC so you think telling one's spouse what to do is a 'firm word' ? I don't. To me it implies control. I prefer kindness and I'm sad that you and others don't.

One of my dils does some things differently to me and has ways of showing me her way. It never gets difficult because we are both mature adults who are kind to each other.

I'm sad you're sad Nonnie, and no - the firm word in this case was directed at the MiL. However, if my DH stood by and did nothing while his mum insulted me time and time again then I'd be having a firm word with him too (although he wouldn't).

SC I'm leaving this thread, I've tried to pour oil on troubled waters, tried to explain why and made a suggestion which could avoid more problems. If you and others don't want to listen and go looking for confrontation there is nothing more I can do. I will leave wondering why on earth anyone is encouraging the OP to confront instead of trying kindness. It is totally beyond me but most of the posters on here will leave soon anyway, they usually do.

If that's how you see things, then yes, it's probably time to leave. Bye

Nonnie I agree with you.
“Never attribute to malice that which can be ascribed to stupidity”
Not having a go at anyone on this particular thread, but so often on Gransnet posters who have a problem with someone in their lives are encouraged to be confrontational, to never think that the offence caused may have been unintentional and advised to set up barriers and boundaries rather than build bridges.

Now that's not very kind jane - tut, tut.

When people are horrid to others, like this MIL has been to the OP, they are to be pitied - only people that are miserable inside can be horrid to others. Having said that - pity her from a distance and avoid her as much as you can - don't let her toxicity invade your headspace, your home, or your DC's ears any more than absolutely necessary. I'd be getting a white sage smudge stick and clearing the room she was in as well, but then I'm a bit of a woo hoo weirdo