Boundaries and "knowing my place"

Oh Pil, my heart goes out to you.
I too was a second parent to my eldest DGS until he was 7,when he and his mum (DD3) moved out of my house to live with her new husband. I did bedtime, cooking, baths, activities and nursery and school runs along side my own full time job as a lawyer for a charity! I was exhausted but when they left I was really miserable for several months, especially as their new house was a 40 minute drive away and I no longer saw DGS every day!
But I did get used to it,and made myself draw back a little to give them a chance to all gel together. I threw myself into other things.
My DGS 1 still is very very Close to me and we have a lovely relationship which will always be special, as will yours with your DGC

You sound like a lovely mum!
I had terrible MH problems after my DD1 was born and was so greatful for my parents picking up the slack I couldn't.

The amount of guilt and pressure I felt was horrible. I felt like I wasn't a proper mum and I was letting my DD down. Mom guilt it a real thing! My DM loved it being a hands on nan and I felt like a car crash.

Obviously over time I got better and became a 'proper mum' but that guilt for not being 'proper' is still there almost 10 years later.

You are very much needed as a Nan, I think it's amazing what you have done for your DD and she will forever be greatful but I bet that mom guilt is still there and she's trying to make up for the time she lost.

What concerns me here is that you've described using your GC as a replacement source of joy in your life.

I cannot say for certain, as only you can know this, but my concern is that you may be either attempting to run away from your husband's problems, or making your GC your reason for living.

Neither of those things is healthy. Your GC cannot be the only source of joy in your life. They need to have their own lives. I'd suggest finding some alternative activities, such as volunteer work or a hobby, that can occupy your time. If your husband's moods are becoming a problem, you might also benefit from some counselling. (Caregiver role strain and caregiver burnout are major issues for people caring for loved ones with physical and/or mental illnesses. This is why home care, for example, is expected to assess the health of the caregiver in addition to the patient.) A counsellor may be able to help you determine additional ways to cope.

Oh Philippa, I feel for you. I'm no second mum" to my DGC, but I am the go-to babysitter. As they get older, they need me less and less, of course. So I've been through the same, but at a slower, more gradual pace. IDK how I would fare if they just stopped the childminding all of a sudden.

IMO, you have a really good grasp of the situation, and posters here have helped you to move forward. It will take some adjusting, but I feel you can do it. Good luck!

Thank you all! Such lovely people, you are! And it really helps to hear your stories, your suggestions.
I'm feeling better already :-)
Just to clarify to a couple of posters: my life is very full apart from the GKs.... I work freelance and am pretty busy, I have lots of family and friends and it's just this feeling re less involvement in the kids' life that has been hard, not that I have nothing else in my life.
And with regards to H's depression, it's definitely a big challenge. It's been going on for most of our lives together but lately things have been worse so he is having the meds increased and hopefully that will help.
Hugs to you all
P60

I do understand how you are feeling.

For various reasons we are playing a bigger than average role in one set of our grandchildren’s lives, the oldest one in particular, we have become very close to, and because of certain circumstances, we worry about her more than the others.

I would love for things to straighten out with my daughter, because at times we do feel our lives aren’t our own, but I know when that time comes, I’m going to have mixed feelings, and although I know things aren’t as they should be at the moment, I’ll miss the role we play in their lives

March, it is fantastic that you have made such a great recovery but do not be so hard on yourself. Your little one will see you as her loving mum and has the benefit of a close bond with your mother too. There is so little out there to support new mums with mental health issues (or even mental health issues in general I feel). Your mum will be proud of you and your recovery, and no one but you is blaming you for being unwell.
Philippa60 - you have done a great job helping your daughter back into the place she belongs - and like March, she probably is full of remorse and regret. But now you can celebrate as you have picked her up, dusted her down and set her on the right path to being a mother again - as loving grandmothers do.
Try to think about yourself now, and of course your husband. Turn your attention to improving YOUR home life. Try to notice the small bonuses that come from a bit more freedom and a bit more time. Enjoy your work...
You have demonstrated that you are strong, and although this may be a tough phase initially, I’m sure you will be called upon to help out now and again. For now, give your daughter the chance to recover fully. The grandchildren will not forget you and there will be happy days to come, I’m certain.
Wishing you all the best.

You have done an amazing job, stepping in with the GKs when their mum couldn't and now D is more back on an even keel with better working conditions for her (well done for her for negotiating new employment conditions) , it is understandable that she will want to take back her role as their mum.
So sorry, but it is time for you to step back a bit that understandably will leave a big hole in your life - now it's time for you to invest a bit of time in yourself! Firstly, I hope that your husband is getting the right help, medication etc for his depression. I don't know your age, but would it be possible to get a part time job or take up a craft, meet up with friends for a coffee or what about enquiring if your local primary school is looking for someone to listen to the children read ?

Namsnanny - I'm in total agreement with you but the fact of the matter is, our Grandchildren are NOT our children, they're only on loan to us for a short time or such times as our services are no longer required. It's not a generational thing either, it's the way it's always been. In the meantime, getting on with your own life and re-structuring your days to fill in the gaps that the Grandchildren make should be heralded with cries of 'yippee, time for me again!' and not tears of sadness and cries of woe.

Oh to have had that time with my grandchilren. You are so lucky. My two are 4 and 2. Never even touched the two year old. They live about an hour away but i have no transport and they dont visit even when invited. Have had counselling and have accepted that i will never have a relationship with them and have started to write about my childhood and then will continue with my life up til now and they will get it when i die with any money i have left. That gives me comfort that they will get to know nanny even tho i wont be around. So thank your lucky stars you have experienced what you have, be grateful for what you are getting now and in the future. Husband might find Mind helpful and they also want volunteers.

Try to be happy that D is better. The school holidays will be here very soon, so why not offer to take some pressure off her then, having a family barbecue, giving her time off every Wednesday, or similar.

The bond you've built with them will last a lifetime. You will never be an ordinary gran, you will always be a special gran.

Me too, but under more pleasant circumstances. We used to look after them for 3 days a week when they were babies and toddlers, but now they are at secondary school.

The relationship was very close, and now they are establishing their place in life. We have to console ourselves that they are growing into good decent people, and that is, in part, to our love and care as well as that of their parents.

We still see them, not as often as we would like, but that is how it is.

We now fill our life with other things, such as campaigning for causes and volunteer work using what skills we have. It suffices, and means we have interesting conversations with them now.

Lots of replies- which tells you that your circumstances aren’t uncommon. Nevertheless, it pulls at the heart strings. You know how things are meant to be now but it’s so painful. Perhaps you can acknowledge that pain. Let your husband and daughter know that you are feeling this transition keenly, now. You don’t need to go on about it extensively. And then,try to find some sources of enjoyment. It won’t replace your time with your grandchildren but it will help you to move along a bit...I think what is so hard to bear as you get older, is that life does hold a lot of stresses and sorrows....they aren’t always obvious...and the younger generation isn’t the only sector of our population that struggles. By being able to gently express our suffering, we help ourselves....and others...we all have to age..

You have been a fabulous support to your dd and it is because of you she was able to regain her health, save her marriage and take back control of her family life. You have done your bit. You have obviously enjoyed the role you took up but now your dd is well she naturally needs to take back control. Why not offer to babysit once a month so they can go out together. Could you offer to look after kids for a week in summer so they could have a romantic break alone for a week? Could you perhaps now try to focus on your dh and his depression? Your dd knows the support you gave her when she needed help most and will not forget.

As a very involved grandmother myself, I can totally understand where you're coming from. You're obviously a bit younger than me if you're still working, so at least you've still got plenty to occupy you. I'm looking after dgd atm as her mum has gone to have her nails done! I would agree with the pp who said you could offer to have the dgc while their parents go off on holiday. A cruise? The Maldives? What about the other dgm, how does she manage?

Yes, plenty for me to keep busy with and I will do even more, also great suggestions about managing expectations with D and arranging for the kids to stay over when they want to go away. It's a little too stressful for H so I might rather sleep at their place (alone).
The other grandparents live a little further away and are more "classic" grandparents rather than the kind of replacement parents we were.
Sweet story: my 7 year old G-son (then 4) said "you are my spare mother" and when I asked what is a "spare mother" he said (age 4!!!) you know, AMA, like when the car has a problem with a wheel and there is a spare to replace it, you are the spare for Mum.....
So poignant!
I am of course thrilled that my D is back to full functioning and enjoying being a proper family of 5 with her H and 3 kids, but I do still feel the "loss".....

Do something for yourself that interests you and you enjoy - sport, travel, art etc. You will be a more interesting person. Let them wonder what you are getting up too for a change!

I can totally relate to this! My daughter moved to be nearer to us when her son was 4 and a baby on the way. Her husband is away for 2-3 nights a week so we spent a lot of time with them, days out, etc etc. Then when the youngest went to school, it all changed overnight. My daughter, who doesn't work developed an all consuming hobby and we were put on the back shelf unless the children needed collecting from school etc. It was hard at first, and I felt a bit like the OP, but now I'm used to it I'm glad that they are now more independant! I still see them some days after school and in holidays, but there's still a bit of emptiness there. But then I think that some of my friends hardly see their grandchildren and think how lucky I am!

Understandable, empty nest syndrome. Felt like it when my children went to uni and every time my grand children go home after spending school holidays with us. I, like you, was surrogate mother to them while my daughter was going through a rough patch. I threw myself into DIY, I would recommend an absorbing hobby or charity work, you sound as if you've a lot to give.

Oh Phil, without reading any of the other replies I can tell you that I now see my grandchildren as an escape from my stultifying home life with a husband that goes nowhere, does nothing, and generally watches tv 15 hours a day. I also am exhausted by them sometimes...but even though I’m needed just two days a week, I can’t help wishing it were more. Now my daughter and SIL are in middle of separating after 12years ( kids 12 and 7) and I find myself hoping that more caring jobs will come my way! Not a nice way to acquire the desired result ...but my sanity is reliant on ‘my little family’ as I call them. I dread when the youngest gets to an age where she won’t need nanny to take her to school and pick her up. I don’t know answer to you feeling redundant Phil, but I do know how you feel. At least you still have a job and a good circle of friends .

I understand how you feel. It's a normal progression and I am pleased that your DD has sorted her life. If you want more involvement how about you suggest taking the children out or have them over at weekends to give DD a break. Maybe take the children for swimming lessons or to something they are keen on. But I agree with other comments - make sure you build your own social life. Take care.

I know how you feel P60. You do feel a bit bereft when you’re made redundant, but enjoy your free time now as best you can without the responsibility. As the grandchildren grow up you’ll find they won’t forget the times you cared for them.

Much the same as others, lots of care and visits whilst the GC were small but now the majority are in their teens much less help needed but delighted that DGS3 came by himself for the first time yesterday and had lunch with us, reminiscing about coming to us on Mondays and Fridays for 5 years. It is difficult to let go or find you are not needed so much.

I guess it's like 'empty nest syndrome' - time to step back and face the inevitable - relationships with kids/ grandkids will change - and it takes time to renegotiate relationships and adjust to the changes, and that can only be a gradual thing...Doesn't make it any easier though!