Not living near daughter

I can see no reason for you to discuss your feelings with your daughter. What would be the point? She can't do anything to resolve the situation for you bar limiting her mother in law's access to the baby and I truly hope that isn't something you see as a solution.

Instead of aggrieved about them having chats you're not involved in, can't you try to feel glad for your daughter that she's got some nearby support?

The only possible solution is to remove the geographical distance but even then I suspect that you might still struggle with feelings of resentment since this issue seems to run so deep with you.

I've always thought that the more people a child has who loves them and takes an interest in them, the better.

You're acting like a spoilt brat. I feel sorry for your daughter at what should be a most wonderful time of her life. As a mother, you should be putting her feelings first -at this rate she's going to have two babies to contend with ! Stop looking for problems that aren't there.

I am a bit stunned by this thread! The OP has expressed how she is feeling and after quite a few posters have acknowledged her situation and made sensible, realistic suggestions for managing it and her feelings, or talked about her own experiences she has said that no one gets it, she has decided to walk away from her daughter and goodbye to Gransnet!
silvercat if you are still reading then maybe the advice about finding ways to manage your situation IS something for you to consider. You give an example of buying a pushchair and your SILs comment about his mother and it not being too heavy and can we imagine how you felt! Well, I imagine it emphasised to you the situation you are in again...but you are in it!!! A too eavy push chair is a sensible consideration ...otherwise you woud waste the somewhat stretchd money on something that cant be used when I could have been saved toward a trip to see them!!

I think most posters DO understand how you feel and are trying to help you see a way through for yourself. Hopefully you might be able to look again at the advice and ideas and work out your own route , once you have accepted the reality.

Such a terrible shame to deny your GC the chance to have two Grandmas.
Two of my GC live abroad and I have a very different relationship with them than those that live close by. They have a large extended family there and I am so glad that their ‘other’ Grandma is on hand to support them all doing all the things that I can’t and is so loved by them all. The children know me as Granny London and now they are a little older we FaceTime now and then and it’s exciting to them to have this whole other family in the U.K. that they visit occasionally. The little boy who’s 6 tells me he’s coming to live with me when he goes to Uni here lol.

You aren’t only denying yourself if you cut them off but also your daughter and her family. Please rethink the situation do you have a husband/partner you can talk about it to?

Did you threaten to cut yourself off from your daughter when she went to live away? Presumably you maintained a long distance relationship with her. No reason why this can’t continue with the added bonus of a grandchild.

I can sympathise with you as I am in a similar situation. My son has two children who live three hours away from us. The other Granny is single and visits them often. We see them much less often. I too found the other Granny domineering.

However, I made up my mind that I was going to be the fun Granny. I concentrated on quality not quantity. I now find on the odd occasion we do visit we are greeted with open arms and our grandchildren hate to see us go.

Meanwhile I have worked especially hard on my relationship with my DiL and her mother. I can honestly say that the other Granny and I are friends. The more you moan to your daughter the more she will resent you. Bury your feelings and you may find they go away.

If you still feel you must walk away so be it but it is a hard road to go back on and you will regret it. We none of us have perfect lives, the secret is making the most of what we have.

Silvercatuk don't cut off your nose to spite your face. You are going to alienate your family you are being. The mother in law lives by your daughter so is obviously going to be more involved. Do you want your only grandchildrens to think of you as bitter and unwelcoming and not wanting him or her, they are not responsible girl where they live.. If you had a good relationship with your daughter why would that change? It seems they have to live on egg shells because they don't live near. There is Skype, text, emails, lots of ways to keep in touch including the phone, what about those without grandchildren, or those with grandchildren the other side of the world. You are making this happy event all about you. Those of us with much loved grandchildren living near but have been denied any access would give anything to have contract,

Hope you excuse the typos , they were not there when I posted, I think there is a gremlin at work.

Thanks for all your input. I don’t think a single one of you understands how I really feel

Have you not read the replies? Have you not realised that probably as many grans live a considerable distance from their grandchildren as near them, and some on the other side of the world?
That we all speak as people who have experience?

Your “solution” to keep away from the situation, is a knee jerk reaction and will only make you unhappier.
Your situation is far from unique - but what you make of it is up to you.

Why be jealous of the mother in law, be happy that your GC has a GP to take them for walks and play with them.
I am a mother in law who has been the babysitter and closest in an emergency but always take a back seat when DILs parents visit. I always talk to GC about the other GPs in a positive light and make sure they are always remembered.

What do you think your grandchild will think if you don’t make the effort to see them ? They won’t think you were hurt but that you couldn’t be bothered to make the effort/didn’t love them/they weren’t good enough/ they’d done something wrong etc. The possibilities are endless none of which will make them feel ok or be happy. True love means caring about another person more than yourself and putting them first. Put your daughter and grandchild first and try hard to make it work. Try cutting back a little on your expenses and save all the time for another visit. £250 is a lot of money but it’s not a fortune to find. Don’t miss out on a relationship with a grandchild it is priceless.

It's not the MIL's fault that she lives where she does. A baby needs people who love them. If you go into this situation feeling angry, resentful and upset then how can you love and enjoy your new grandchild.

It is up to your daughter and her husband (not you) to decide how much her MIL, you, and anyone else are involved in the baby's life.

Don't overthink this situation. Just be happy for your daughter's new arrival and don't look for troubles that don't exist.

I can feel how upset you are Silvercatuk but whatever you do don't cut yourself out of their lives. You gave birth to your daughter. Keep in touch with her through her pregnancy, ask how she is, how everything is going - don't let your resentment show through. Send things for the baby before and after the birth with a letter/card and when the baby is born keep in touch, ask after the baby, arrange to go over when you can.

Things will work out, you are making things worse for yourself by turning this over and over in your mind. Whatever you do, don't break off from your daughter, you will regret it later I can assure you.

Good luck with everything.

What a shame that you feel as you do and no-one seems to be able to help you, although everyone has tried to do.
I am the Granny who lives near by, is hands on with all the Grandchildren, the one who has to tell them to eat their teas, put down their ipads, put their shoes on, hurry up.etc
It's not all fun and games as you imagine.
Then along comes "fun Grandma", who has them for the day and spoils them and gives them everything they want and takes them on trips and to the Zoo. The one they get excited to see as they know it will be a treat.
You are that Grandma silvercat, the "fun Grandma", so don't throw it all away.

Silvercatuk I am very sorry you are feeling like this. I sincerely hope that you can have a reasoned conversation with your daughter before too long.

May I offer some practical hints? I am an inveterate backpacker which enables me to go where I want at affordable prices. I do not, however, assume this would be a solution for you. However, there are B&B's where you can park your car for a very reasonable price before catching the ferry as a foot passenger which last time I went was under £20. There is a perfectly reasonable bus service on the island if you are willing to put yourself out a little (apart from when the races are on and the roads are closed.) With a little research and forward planning you can overcome the barriers you are telling us all about.

I manage round the world trips with everything on my back and as you have a daughter on the island I am sure she will offer the use of washing machine etc. So that's another consideration out of the way. If you need to take more than a backpack and feel you could not cope with a case, there are always people on the ferry to help.

If you also plan your movements around the island carefully people will give offer you lifts if you ask graciously, and the judicious use of a taxi will sort out the rest.

On the other hand (and this may seem a tad cruel) there is a world out there where there are other things apart from your children and grandchildren. I mention this because like other posters, I feel you will become estranged if you do not remedy the situation. Then you will have no choice but to carry on through life alone.

My mantra when travelling alone has always been to be respectful and SMILE. That attitude has opened many doors for me, made lifelong friends and led me to experience things others can only dream of as they sit at home thinking they cannot do things.

I genuinely wish you well, but at the end of the day the remedy is largely in your hands. Striking a defiant 'not fair' attitude is both immature and unreasonable when there are ways around it. But deep down you know that really don't you?

I can understand why you feel envious of the other grandmother having so much more involvement with your little grandchild when he is born. Remember that this lady is going to help your daughter and the love and support she gives her and the child can only be positive. Children don't have a limitless supply of love and as the child grows he will be able to form a loving relationship with you too. When mine were little, I lived abroad, in the days before Skype and Whattsapp, but I kept their gran in their minds by letter and phone and they always loved her dearly. Now I have a grandchild and my daughter sends me Whatsapp pictures and videos almost every day. It's so much easier to keep in touch now. You can start a group chat with them. Tell your daughter how you feel if you must but keep it light and enjoy the fact that you have a grandchild.

Time and time again people are saying they can understand your situation and they can because so many of us are in similar situations, be very careful how you speak to your pregnant daughter she has made her choices and you must accept them somehow. How nice that your SIL is even thinking about any problem his mum may have with the pushchair!

Such a practical and sympathetic response Izabella I just hope OP has hung around long enough to read it.

I do plan on telling my daughter how I feel but knowing my daughter she will want to brush it all under the carpet

What alternative response do you want from her? What can she possibly do?

It sounds like you are very angry with your daughter for living near her MIL.

The best and most sensible option is for you to visit as often as possible, phone and skype them, write and send postcards and photos to the child, and make the time that you do spend with them worth it. How do you think most people in the world who live far from their children get by?

Though to be honest it sounds like you are going to choose to throw tantrums out of jealousy and spite, which is obviously going to push your daughter away from you, so that you can then be angry and feel justified and hard done by.

I bet you brought your daughter up to have a mind of her own . I also bet she would listen to your advise more even if it's over the phone . As for seeing grandchild , do have a computer ? If not invest in one , then you will be able to Skype and see your grandchild everyday and wouldn't miss out on thing . Or wait for a family member with a smart phone and Skype while they are there . Don't upset yourself , I'm sure your daughter would feel really guilty if she knew. I hope everything turns out well for you .

I'm afraid you are the one who is throwing away your relationship with your daughter and grandchild. There is a lot of technology available now so you can see and talk with your family very regularly, and so your grandchild will recognise you when you do get to see them in person. Make the most of your opportunities and be a loving grandma and mum, and you won't miss out. It's up to you to put in the effort, and then you will reap what you sow.

Why not get cheap flights instead of taking your car. Or get a foot passenger ticket on a ferry. Even buying a senior railcard would enable cheap travel to Liverpool and ferry across. There will always be obstacles if you look for them.

You can get easy jet flights from London for £47 or from Manchester for £60.

I feel this is a good example of self-fulfilling prophecy.
You imagine estrangement, obsess over it by actively looking for any little comment that supports your fears. You then grow your fears into jealousy and resentment, blinding yourself to any solutions or thoughts of making the best of the situation. You refuse to acknowledge that there could be pleasure in building a relationship that isn’t exactly what you would prefer.
All this bitterness, resentment and jealousy makes your family glad they don’t live nearer and grandchild grows up thinking you are bitter, resentful and think more about yourself than them.
End result Is estrangement brought on purely by your own prophesies.
As many other wise people on here suggest, when you can’t control the situation or circumstances, you can try to control your reactions and behaviours.

Izabella has given practical advice if that is what you want, silvercat. Alternatively, there are cheap flights to the Isle of Man from a number of UK airports, if it is practicable for you to leave your car behind. Would your DD or SiL meet you at the airport? The ferry is not the only way.
Have you also thought that your DD and your GC could visit you instead?