Parents in law

Where does your partner stand in all this? Gather from your post, the issue is with his parents. Think he needs to intervene and support you. But failing that I think all you can do is stand your ground. Make it clear that she will not be going on holiday with them and stand by your guns if they go ahead and book any way. There may be consequences re your housing situation,but think they would be cutting off their noses if they make life difficult as you have control of when they see your daughter.

The quicker you nip this in the bud, the better your longterm outcome will be. I agree with GG that you are letting them do this and only you can stop it. I say this as someone who let this happen until my DD was 8 and by then, the damage was seriously done. I thought I was doing my daughter good by not fighting with my Mum about it especially as she was doing the caring whilst I was working. What a mistake! She's 34 now and it has taken years to gain her respect.
If they are undermining you in front of you, are they doing it when you aren't there? How are you going to manage a 16 year old who has no respect for you because her grandparents have taught her that you are powerless?
Make it clear that you are very grateful for their help with the rent but they either help without strings attached or they don't help at all.

I am sympathetic with OP to a degree.
I can see how something can begin as a wonderful solution to a real problem ie child care from loving adults who adore your child.
Then it creeps along with your acquiescence until you feel mean saying no.
I think you should make a stand. They have crossed a line. They think of you as a perfect Dil, I imagine, but maybe you say with a touch of humour that you'd like to spend quality time with your own child.
It may work.
Enlist their son too. He ought to know how you feel.
Once you move to your own place things will change.

I would simply tell in laws sometimes you forget you have dd as she is with them so much. Tell them no more holidays without parents for time being, maybe when child older. Ask them to babysit new baby. Time they banded with that child too.

Your partner needs to tell them to back off! They are his parents so he should be the one to do this..why not go on holiday in this country...look at Airbnb's or cheap deals in the holidays

I would like to know where your husband stands on this?
And be Thinking of moving as far away as possible tbh in the meantime I would cough "lose" and not replace your daughters passport.
To me they sound like control freaks & if any family member of mine treated one of my children differently they would be out of our lives for good..
Their not helping you by providing accommodation It's emotional blackmail ! Move asap!!

Your children, your rules and IL's need to understand this. His parents, he should speak to them.
No excuse for booking a holiday after you'd said you didn't want them to. If DH won't 'man up' then you have too learn to say no and stick to it, however unpleasant you may find it. Otherwise things may get even worse.

Why have you suddenly objected to them taking your daughter away, after allowing her to go numerous times previously?
Is it because you have realised they have more influence over her than you do? Don't allow them to interfere in your parenting: simple.
How realistic are your savings? Can you move away, because until you do this situation will become increasingly more difficult.
Where does your husband stand in all this?

And finally, why haven't you bothered to respond to any posts?

Who has her passport? If I was you I would destroy it. That way they can't take her abroad. That has to stop. How dare they undermine you. What does your husband do. Is he not supporting you? Also I think it is time you found somewhere else to live. It is this or let your daughter become a very spoilt and totally unmanageable child. Sorry to be so blunt... x

As soon as possible....move! They have an empty, sad life and it isn't your responsibility to fill it. Tolerate and gently ease the clutches. Good Luck.

They are actually bullying you and totally undermining your role as the childs mother, it’s pure manipulation and so disrespectful to you. We’ve all given in at times for a quiet life but ultimately we then make a rod for our own backs. If I was you, I’d put the kids to bed and then both you and your husband together, a united front, should be calling them in for a meeting, and laying out some stringent ground rules, before it’s too late. If they give the child everything she wants, of course she will want to stay with the grandparents. You must learn to be assertive, as you in turn will need to teach this to your daughter so that she stands up for herself in life. You can’t help it if you are kind and soft, however, you are making your own life very difficult .... I wish you well.

The ILs have previously taken your 4 year old DD away for holidays, you were happy with this as you allowed it to happen numerous times. Why your sudden change of attitude?

It won't be long before your 8 month old is wondering why they are not included as much as your daughter. I presume your daughter will be starting school soon and then they won't be able to see quite so much of her and they might take an interest in the younger sibling. I think you do need to get your OH on your side and explain that you want to see your little girl a bit more in the holidays and perhaps you could all have a cheap (camping?) holiday just the 4 of you? She is your child and although I know you feel grateful they can't tell you what to do. They should be supporting you at all times, especially in front of her - if they don't agree with something they can always mention it another time and not in front of your daughter, but really it's up to you. I would suggest you start to encourage your daughter to see more of friends her own age, especially where you get on well with the mother and you and she can have a nice little social life together. As for the baby they really should be taking more notice as babies change so quickly - I don't really understand how they can favour one child over another, as I love all my grandchildren equally.

Where is your childrens passports?
They should be under lock and key?
Refuse to hand them over.
Suggest that unless you all go your children stay with you.
Or tell them that you have alternative arrangements.
Your DH needs to put his foot firmly down!!

I know how you feel. When my children were young my inlaws were besotted especially my mil. My husband was an only child and it was like my children were hers and not mine. They would take the children out all the time, saying they were taking them off my hands. I didn't want them taken off my hands. Then one day mil was extremely late bringing second child back from playschool whilst I was looking after newborn baby. She had taken her to the park and couldn't understand why I was worried and stormed out. FIL arrived and tore me off a strip! We didn't see either of them for 6 months when it was the christening after we invited them. I wish we hadn't. As time went on I realised I would have been better without these manipulative people in our lives trying to get the children to love them best.So you are in a tricky place that you need to get out of. You will only get more resentful as they continue to undermine you which they will. If you could move elsewhere it would be so much better and just invite them in controlled circumstances where they cannot take over. You do need to talk to your DH to see if you have his backing. Even where you are you are entitled to privacy and respect. If you have been using them to child mind try not to or else they will feel they have the right to interfere. Good luck.

I guess it boils down to a simple choice.....

Same place, their rules, their grandchild

OR

New place, new rules, your child!

It's got out of hand and you need to stay firm don't let them take over. You need to sort his now.

It's only natural for dgps to bond closely with their dgc, and if effectively you're all living in the same house, this is going to be even more so than usual. The other thing is, the bond seems to be much closer with the firstborn GC. I've seen it many times and even experienced it myself. The GPS just have to try not to let it show!

I would worry in your situation what's going to happen when you finally do move into your own place. (My own dgs5 often asks to move in with us, but we have to laugh it off. You won't be able to do that).

A bit harsh GabriellaG she is asking for advice, as many posters do, not criticism. It's a delicate situation she needs to stop these bullying in-laws without upsetting them too much. Personally, I would have to set them straight and tell them that the attention they are paying your daughter is having a negative effect on her behaviour. Make it clear that you are her mother and what you say goes to both your daughter and your in laws. Be kind but firm, explain, as you've explained in your post, that you REALLY don't want to upset them but as she is your daughter you feel that the with attention they are giving her you feel that you are losing her.

I have a friend who’s inlaws favoured her son and completely ignored her beautiful daughter. They two would take him on holiday and on days out and never did her daughter and when they both died they left everything to their grandson and nothing for the granddaughter.

I hope OP is still reading the good advice here and has not been too upset by the one cruel reply. It takes a lot of courage to open your heart on here and is unforgivable to be hurtful.

Bit over the top I think put your foot down. Tell them no and let them know you mean it.

I think you need to find somewhere else to live, though I know it's hard when you are saving for your own place. Either that or a family conference where you air your views and get them to see how hurtful and destructive to your relationship with your four-year-old is. I can see what could happen, in that the child will see their grandparents as the good guys, and you the bad, and that can be damaging. And what happens when the young baby grows and sees how they are not the chosen one? Yet more upset lies in store there. What does your husband think, or is he just happy to let everyone get on with it without supporting you, who should be his main concern along with his children?

I just wonder what will happen when you have saved enough to move, are you planning on staying nearby or further afield? You need to sort this now as it will cause bigger problems later.

A bit harsh from GabrielleG, what MrsRJx has stated is she knows she needs to be more assertive, but wants advice on how to do so.
I agree with what many others have said, involve your DH and let them know how upsetting them not supporting you is making you feel. Tell them that you appreciate all they have done but that she is your daughter, but you need to set boundaries for your daughter. She needs to learn how to respect mummy. Also point out that you can see that this will cause a problem between the siblings later on because the baby is bound to feel left out when she's older and wonder what she has done wrong. She may even feel jealous of big sister.
Be strong, get DH on board and stick to your guns.