Always a Gran

This thread has been a right niggle in my mind and I’d like to know how it turns out.
For me OP has 2 options.
Take umbrage and not go. Thereby missing out on a lovely evening and being the one who spoilt it.

Or, be happy that you were included and celebrate with a precious grand daughter on her very special day.

Lots of Grans on here who don’t have any relationship with their GC through no fault of their own.

I know which option I’d choose. In fact option 1 would never enter my head.

Tell her you’ve cancelled your previous arrangements and are happy to join in the celebration. Don’t pay any attention to those on herewho are fuelling your hurt by their own angst.

Like you, I would feel extremely hurt as I would see it as something deeper, like questioning your choice of DP. So I would try to find out the reasoning behind this decision, after all, as Urmstongran says, your DGD has only memories of this GF. If she doesn't want him there, or more likely your DD, there are issues to resolve. If it's a question of expense then that's fine, or you could offer to pay 'for her birthday'. In any case I'd go anyway, and paste on a smile, but wouldn't be happy about the snub to my DP.

If in doubt act with understanding and love - its our 'dramas' which cause our pain and here is a wonderful opportunity to just be simple, and not look for meanings which are probably not there at all. You are wanted by your DGD and your DD - what a wonderful gift, which others would love to have. I am sure you love them and they love you - I hope you go and enjoy celebrating with them, and no lingering doubts.

I second that. Today I spent time with my son and grandson. No DIL, no DH(= stepfather). It was a lovely opportunity, not to be missed.
I hope the OP can view this event in the same way.

They have tried, perhaps clumsily,to be diplomatic by inviting you both to an event later. There are some family occasions when the people we love just want, maybe for one evening, to have the people they love most around them. Those are very precious times, not easy to explain to others who they might also love in a less intense way. We recently had an evening meal with our son and daughter( at my daughter's request) She lives in a different part of the country. Now we adore our SIL and DIL and also our grandchildren and would not hurt them for the world but what are the chances of us seeing our own little nuclear family and just being the four of us in our lifetime? I think it has happened two or three times in the past 30 years. It was a wonderful evening and one that I will treasure for ever. I think we all felt the same. It does not infer a lack of love or respect for any of the others in our lives.

Please listen to wise voices who say exalt that you were included in their tight family circle of just parents and children. You must be very special and if it were me wild horses couldn't stop me donning my best and celebrating with your special 'girl'. Slap on a big smile and enjoy yourself twice - this time and at next party with dh. Your comment about your daughter never calls just emails gives me a little insight that maybe you are hurt and harbouring a little resentment and this seems to have inflamed your reaction to this? I married again but my husband much as I love him knows and understands the unbreakable bond with my children, who after all I've known longer than him! Don't make it 'him' or 'them' choice. You will regret not going . Let us know what happens.

He is outside the family, why would he be invited to a private family party?

OMG this man has been part of the family since the granddaughter was 3y old! Likely she will have NO memories whatsoever of her biological grandfather. He’s been grandmother’s partner/husband for 15y! Sounds more like the adult daughter (mother of the 18y old birthday girl) has issues here. Hmm.

paddyann after OP has been married for 15 years I would consider her DH as family but we all have our own thoughts on what constitutes "family"

sarahellenwhitney my feeling exactly, my DD would have invited my DH rather than her F to events. It seems strange to me that although you have kept asking about arrangements for DGD's 18th your DD only tells you at the last minute that you're invited, on your own on a Friday night. I would feel very hurt but then I was never excluded from any celebrations for DH's family or him from my own family events.

he's not her dad or the grandfather so why would he be included in a "family" event ?

Nanny41.
Were it me I would feel hurt that my daughter could not bring herself to include OH in this event. Does she not get on with her stepfather? are you not entitled to have a life after her own father.
Put yourself in his position. How would you feel.?Can you not ask DD why she does not want OH there?

I’d take it as a compliment that they want you all to themselves for this one special night. I often see people without their other halves, not because I have a problem with them, but the chat and the atmosphere is different when it’s not a couple.
It’s a shame you can’t see the joy in being included in a special group of people that love you.

Your daughter will have a vision of what it is all about and I guess she would be clear that she has no intention of upsetting you or your husband - as is shown by his being invited to the later event. She would probably be amazed at your interpretation of the invitation, and the risk is that you create some family friction here, without meaning to. Friction which was never there from your daughter's side. Your granddaughter would miss you being there and will only have one 18th birthday! So I agree with others - go and enjoy the event! Let go any lingering story about all this - we can never be sure of someone else's thoughts and you could give the benefit of any doubt to your daughter and have a lovely time together.

I really think you should put your pride (and your negative thoughts) in your pocket and celebrate your GD's 18th with her and her parents. If you don't there won't be a second chance.

I'm afraid I would be going to my granddaughter's 18th. Could you ask your daughter why your husband isn't invited. If they are paying for the meal, maybe they just want to keep it for a few people, especially if there is another celebration?

I think that icanhandthemback has made a very good point.

The people that they want at this meal are the very closest _blood- relatives of the birthday girl.
By extending this to include a non-blood relative, albeit Grandma's DH, they increase the likelihood of upsetting other blood relatives, who might be upset they haven't been invited too.

Given that there is to be a big celebration for everyone, at which he is welcome, is it really that big a deal?

Speaking from personal experience, sometimes it is hard if you just want your Mum and not her partner at a small family gathering, it doesn't mean you are being horrid, it just means that you want your Mum to yourself for a bit. Treat that as a compliment rather than a swipe. Your partner is invited to the bigger celebration later, just feel lucky that daughter and Grandaughter want you on your own for a bit. I feel like this about My own Mum, partner gets invited to most things, but just sometimes you want your own little unit with shared memories etc.
Just my ten pennorth !!

My DH would be delighted not to be invited, in similar circumstances. We often visit our own families separately. We go together for a really big occasion, but not generally.

The OP has the chance of a close family event, which I would jump at, and also a bigger do, including her DH. Best of both worlds.

We are sort of assuming the wider family thinks there is something wrong with OP's partner but it could be that there is another person who they don't want to invite so they are saying "family" only. Like couples who don't want particular children at their wedding so find the only way to avoid causing offence is to ban all children.
Surely straight forward communication without recrimination is the answer. I would put my GD first on this occasion and my DH would accept that even though we tend to think of my GD as his and vice versa. My DH's thoughts would probably be along the lines of a/ whatever kept me happy and b/ it was a lucky escape for him

It does seem a bit mean to exclude him. he must have known her since she was 3.
I don't know how long ago her "real" grandfather died but she can't have many more memories of him that she does of your husband.

If and when she marries, I am sure you will always include her husband in any invitations.

I think you have done the right thing. Why would they not want to invite your OH after 15 years? Your GD has known him for almost all of her life and assuming there are no other family issues of course he should accompany you or you don't go.
By all means ask why they wish to exclude him, but it does not sound reasonable based on what you have said.

Seems to me every family has some strange family dynamics. If you have already emailed your daughter back and said no, say you had a change of heart and go. It sounds like your daughter does not actually have an issue with your husband if she is inviting him him to the 2nd event.
And I would just happily assume it's not cost but that your grand daughter just wants her parents and you at this dinner. And that's OK and maybe that's also why your daughter was so slow with the invite is because maybe she knew it might hurt your feelings.
Lots of guessing on my part but the fact that he is invited to the 2nd larger event might mean they like him but that your grand daughter may be missing her real Grandfather on her birthday.
So please go it's her birthday and it is her day so let her have it however she wants it with no ill feelings.

I must say I look at this rather differently. To me it is an enormous piece of cheek to expect anyone to want to go to a function that they have expressly been asked not to bring their spouse to!

You live with your husband, not with your granddaughter. Shame for her that her parents have no manners, unless of course, there is a good reason for them not wanting your OH there, but as you will both be going to the later celebration, I would let granddaughter do without me at the small party, if I were you,

I agree with Madgran.
It seems rude to me to invite only one of a pair, unless it’s a gender-specific ‘do’ such as a pre-wedding hen or stag.
So I’d accept the invitation for the sake of the gd but would politely and reasonably ask why OH wasn’t invited. If it’s ‘close family only’ it’s sends a message that he’s not accepted as family, which is sad for future family events.
Are other married-in partners also excluded?