New grandparent

I didn't really know my granddaughter as i wasnt allowed much contact with her, due to her mother, my son's girlfriend. The baby was taken into care when she was 15 months old, and was placed with foster carers, too long a story to relate, but because my son was not married to dgf her mother he was not allowed custody of

It was my daughter who asked me if I minded being called Frances by the baby, she thought calling me Granny was very aging for her!! It might also help the other grandma who might be hoping to be called Granny and worried you also want that name. I would suggest you say to S and DiL that you read about names for Grandmas in a magazine and thinking about would like to follow what they suggested and use your Christian name. DiL might be very relieved she can now offer the name of Granny to her mother. I understand all the royal GC call the Queen Granny!

Maybe you need to see a counsellor and discuss your feelings. In the meantime you need to be a help and support to your family.

We're all different, and who can say what's "normal"? I'd just focus on behaving in a manner which doesn't upset anyone. Yes, perhaps there will need to be some play-acting involved, but isn't that better than causing a rift in the family?...

I have never had the desire to be a grandmother either, so don't worry. It doesn't make us bad people! There are just as many people in the world that don't want children. It is fortunate for me that my son is gay and he and his civil partner have no intentions of adopting children. My husband has 7 grandchildren and I always spend a lot of time and effort buying little things to keep them occupied when they visit and then take a back seat. You would never know that I'm not interested. From the many posts I read on gransnet, there always seems to be a problem around grandchildren (childcare issues, relationship splits etc). I don't think I could deal with all of this at this time of my life. I'm free to do as I please, when I please.

Sorry about break.
his daughter, he and i applied for joint custody. After a long battle with S.S. and visits to court we finally got her when she was 2 years 8 months old, and I was 60. I must admit I was very worried about it, but from day one everything was great. She is now 22 and still at home. I absolutely love her. And she is more like a daughter to me. So give yourself time to get to know your grandchild. Try not to let his or her parents how you feel at the present time, because your feelings could change as soon as you get to know the little one, and you wouldn't want to have a rift between yourself and your family.

I do love all my GC - I have just had my 7th and I'm only 55!
But equally, I do understand that you might not want to be a major part of this one's life. I had my first when my youngest child was only three, so I've never really had that break.
I was 21 when I had my first child and 42 when I had my 5th - so I have never had a break.
However, you did not choose to have this baby, your son did. You've done the children thing with him and his brother and you do not have to do any more than you choose with this little one.
But there is something quite magical about your child having a baby and I think you will grow to love him/her. But please don't beat yourself up about it!! xx

Mortaff - I do feel for you. I am childless and have never encountered many little babies in my family. I too wonder if people will see that I am not keen on picking them up, as I am unfamiliar with them.

Some very interesting responses to your feelings which I too share. Just look forward to the fun along the way as the baby grows into a small adult.

I think facing up to becoming a grandparent is a bit of a milestone for some as it means we are no longer the busy youthful parent of a family however I'm sure in time you will find your new GC a joy but just like motherhood it doesn't always happen immediately just guard against letting your son know your feelings as he would I'm sure be hurt and it could have repercussions in the future

Don't worry about the 'granny' tag. Can you think of something you'd be happy to be called? My Mum HATED being great-nana and upset my daughter by referring to herself as Nana. We had a chat and came up with G-Nan, which she lived and said it made her sound like a rapper! I like it too and if I'm ever lucky enough to become a great then I will also be G-Nan.

I feel for you in the difficulties you are finding in connecting with your grandchild. I felt much the same after the birth of my first daughter, and being distressed about it made it harder, but one day I fell in love with her and never looked back. I pray the same will happen for you.

Not everyone falls in love immediately with a baby - it's a bit of a myth that they do. I found it quite hard work with both my own children until they started to respond back to me but I do/did love them dearly. I haven't felt all gooey about my grandchildren as babies either, but again I love them very much and have always been pleased to look after them. My advice would be to not worry so much, you have years ahead of you and more grandchildren to come (possibly) You may well find that when your grandchild smiles when you talk to him/her or reaches out to you when you are near them you find those missing feelings spring into life.

Hi, I think we are all so different and we can't help how we feel. I can remember in my early fifties sitting in the staffroom listening to all the enthusiastic "grandmas!" And thinking pleased none of my children had procreated! I felt it set the seal on being OLD! I also agree with all of the comments about young babies. I was always pleased when mine began to smile, sit up crawl etc. I am sure Motaff, there will be plenty of baby worshippers longing to hold the new baby! I am sure too, when he/she becomes a little person you will love him/her to bits! Now with 6 dgc I spanning the years from 4 to 27 (I'm quite old but don't feel it!,) I love them all to bits. I'm sure you will too.

Meant to say about the name thing - my mum was going to be Grandma but became Nana which was how she said it! I decided to be Nana but the grown up grand daughter calls me Nan - she thinks it's more trendy! My son's mil has called herself Glamma! For obvious reasons!

Mortaf there are different phases of parenting so I suppose grand parenting too. Some parents/grand parents love the baby stage others struggle to find a baby interesting yet when that baby becomes a toddler find them more interesting as toddlers talk, others are better when the child grows up a bit and you can take it out and have stimulating conversation with them, others love the teenage years when you see how they will take their place in the world. No one is brilliant at it all and we all have our favourite ages/stages. Perhaps as the child grows you will bond with it later as you did your son. You decide what grand child calls you just put your preferred name in its cards etc. and your DS will follow your lead. It is more fun than you might imagine right now but you have years ahead to find out and remember a grand child is not like a child; you can hand it back to DS when you have had enough.

Mortaff There you go then.
You admit you eventually bonded with your own so please please give this forth coming little might a chance?

I was thrilled to become Granny at the age of fifty, but my own mother, who had suffered psychosis after my birth, had no interest in my children. She didn't want to hold them or cuddle them and only really liked them when they were teenagers and were able to sit with her when my father went out, as she was in poor health. As a side note, responding to another poster, my own grandmother decided that she was to young to be a grandmother when I was born and she was 56. I had to call her by her first name, with which I was very uncomfortable. I'd much have preferred to call her grandma.

Hi Mortaff - becoming a grandparent is a big life change, isn't it? And that can bring on anxiety and depression. I was super anxious when my granddaughter was born, and I didn't handle things very well, to be honest. I should have gone to the Doctor to have a chat and a checkup a lot sooner than I did. He prescribed something for anxiety and depression which really helped. Also, you may be gong through peri-menopause, or even menopause, which also can bring on depression. Have a chat with your doctor - ask for a double appointment time so you have a chance to really talk with him/her.

Babies can be uber boring.perhaps you will feel more for him later

I cannot pretend to know what makes you not want to be a grandmother - but those words struck me - YOU don't want to be a grandmother - is that about you or the baby? It's about you The baby makes you a grandmother, and that is not what you want... is it s status that you don't see in yourself?

My granddaughter calls me 'Magic Granny' - what better title could anyone have.

My sister in law does not like babies. She had two, but admits she would have rather had them presented to her as adults, she did not like the baby bit - perhaps you are a little like that.

Forget the word Grandmother - that generates images that perhaps you don't like. Maybe you can ask your son and his wife not to call you Gran/granny/nan/ nana or anything like that - think of another name that suits you and your personality, or suggest that they call you by your christian name or nickname and that might reduce the idea of 'Grandmother' in your mind.... Good Luck!

Thank you all again for the mostly very positive comments although some fail to realise that I wrote my first post in a fog of despair. Of course I will not reject the baby and will strive to respond to her in an appropriate manner until such a time she becomes a person with her own right and we can interact properly. Whilst still apparently being in the minority, I can see that there is plenty of time to grow to love her as much as I feel I should. It will be ok (and by it I mean life) ?

It's funny that I read this today. I don't have grandchildren yet but I was at work this morning and overheard two ladies talking about being free of their grand kids 'for now' until they start looking after the next one and I had this sudden feeling of dread. A thought went through my head -"that sounds awful" I thought. I'm so pleased my girls are almost flown and I don't look forward to looking after their kids. I think everyone has a right to feel the way they do. My sister's mother in law told her in no uncertain terms that she wasn't going to look after her children and she never did, they visited but that was it really. Maybe you'll enjoy them more when they're older, just don't feel bad for feeling that way.

As a rather doting GM I was sad to read your post. You chose to have children - and you appear to love them - so I hope you will come to love your grandchildren. They can be messy and tiring but the love and hugs make up for everything. You don't have to be called grandma - choose something else - it's only a name!! I'm sure your children would be upset to know you feel this way - try to hide your feelings and thoughts from them. Did your parents feel this way when you had your children.

Mortaff, Of course I will not reject the baby and will strive to respond to her in an appropriate manner until such a time she becomes a person with her own right and we can interact properly.

You will do well, being a granny is not a fit for lots of women. My sister has never watched her GC, visits them once or twice a year, and is fine to how it all settled. Interacting properly will come in time.

Morfar. ....Good luck with your life as a
Grandma......I hope you unravel your feelings.....it may take time but I think you'll be OK.

Little girls can be fun and loving towards their Grandma so you have a lot to look forward to.

In the meantime it may be worth the expense of talking it over with a family therapist ?

Keep all the avenues open with both generations. 'I'm not really a baby person' may be your refrain. Do all the things you feel a gran should do e.g. buying toys or whatever. Wait until little one starts talking to find a name. Fortunately for me (by accident) I'm called Granny followed by my name, then I hang onto a bit of my identity.