Dear all,
I come to you after the advice of a dear friend.
I really need your help to make the relationship with my one and only DIL better.
Some background : I am 68 years old married to my DH (dear husband) (dear husband) 70 years old since 44 years and we have 2 children : DD (dear daughter) (dear daughter) 42 who has no children and DS (dear son) (dear son) 38 has a GF 32 that i will call DIL. They have my only grandaughter B, 8 months old, the light of my life.
Me and DH (dear husband) (dear husband) live in Europe. DS, DIL and DGD, live abroad 6 hours by plane from us.
My DIL is clever, beautiful, kind, funny and generous. Well, that was before the arrival of my grandaughter.
It started during pregnancy when she would not take my calls or answer my messages. It was so not her to do that ! She is very talkative usually. She had a very high risk pregnancy and i was worried. She was in bedrest at her mother in Europe while my DS (dear son) (dear son) was still abroad working. So i would call or text her everyday asking some questions about some medical stuff or just to tchat. She would not answer and send a text every 2 weeks or so to write :"everything is fine. Hope your okay!". Almost always the same text.
My DH (dear husband) (dear husband) and I asked my DS (dear son) (dear son) what was happening and he only told us to leave her alone.
Since then, our relationship got worse.
They decided to have the baby in Europe in our town and it has been decided that after the planned c section they will come rest at our place. (Where they live health facilities are very bad, it is a third world country). We were delighted to have our DGD home !
It was terrible as first she said she wanted 24 hours with no visits at the hospital. Then she would not let us take the baby to cuddle or spend time with. I understand she was very possessive of this baby as she has suffered previous losses.
But she would not even talk to us or very little. She was suddenly so aloof and cold.
She spent her time breastfeeding. It seems that she was breastfeeding non stop. Breastfeeding on demand she said. I have never seen that in my life. Or sleeping with the baby !
One time we were at dinner and the baby started crying. She took the baby to calm her but i wanted to help. So i woke up and told her to give me the baby. She just said no. It was really inconfortable and my son said nothing !
I pardon her because she seemed very tired after the birth !
After 3 weeks, my DH (dear husband) (dear husband) and I had to go the the mariage of my nephew in the Caribbean. But when we came back they had rented an appartement elsewhere ! We did not see our DGD during 10 days. We saw her during 1 dinner and then my DIL and DGD left to her mother in another town.
When she was at her mother, DH (dear husband) (dear husband) will text her and she will respond very sporadically. After 9 days without news, he texted my DIL's mother asking some news. Let's thing i know my DIL sends him a very mean text telling him to back off !
We only saw them 3 months later last Christmas and she was still very aloof almost mean.
I admit the mistakes I made during this week but i don't think it was that terrible.
I put an orange in my DGD mouth during one meal. She jumped of her seat and screamed at me "she is exclusively breastfeeded. I told You!". My DS (dear son) (dear son) started to get mad at me too. God it was just an orange !
I said 2 things and my DIL overreacted :
1/ Sometimes I call my DGD " my daughter". My DIL looked at me in the eyes with a scary look and told me "one thing needs to be clear : she is not your daughter, she is mine". I told her as she is my son's daughter, it is like she is my daughter. My son tells me i'm ridiculous. I think my DIL is. It is just to be affectionnate.
2/I told her next time they come, i will put the baby bed near the back of the room. She can't cosleep with her mother at 1 year old ! They have to get a bit detached.
She cut me while i was speaking and said in a non-friendly voice " i am sure the parents have a say in where their baby sleep".
I understand that sometimes as PIL (parents-in-law) (parents-in-law) we can be overbearing and sometimes pushy. But i only see them 2/3 times a year. And i feel like i can't enjoy my DGD. I walk on eggshells with her. I had never spend time alone with my DGD, her mother is always around.
Since they are abroad, we try to facetime once a week but she rarely participates in our talks with my DS.
My son told me she is going to fly to Washington DC (daycare, dear child) (daycare, dear child) for 2 weeks for business. And she is bringing the baby and her sister will come to babysit. I am sad she did not ask me as i do not work anymore. But i told her nothing.
Don't get me wrong, i love my DIL and she is a good mom. But i think she is a bit possessive. I have the feeling she is backing off the relationship and i want to do something.
I have 3 questions :
1/ Can someone explain me the behaviour of my DIL ? She seems frightened by our love.
2/ They are suppose to stay 3 weeks with us this summer. How to make her feel confortable and like her old self ? Talkative, funny and gracious ?
3/ My DS (dear son) (dear son) told me my DGD has a nanny and sometimes they go out at night and the baby stays with the nanny. We have the hope to babysit our baby this summer. How to make DIL confortable with this idea ?
Thanks for your help.
Grandmother M.
. Take a step back and apologise, you could try to explain how much they all mean to you and that the excitement was the cause of your overstep. Leave it with an offer of a safe happy relaxed place for them to visit in their own way on their own terms and that if you are asked you will only be too delighted to help. Stay strong. Best of luck. X