Dear all,
I come to you after the advice of a dear friend.
I really need your help to make the relationship with my one and only DIL better.
Some background : I am 68 years old married to my DH (dear husband) (dear husband) 70 years old since 44 years and we have 2 children : DD (dear daughter) (dear daughter) 42 who has no children and DS (dear son) (dear son) 38 has a GF 32 that i will call DIL. They have my only grandaughter B, 8 months old, the light of my life.
Me and DH (dear husband) (dear husband) live in Europe. DS, DIL and DGD, live abroad 6 hours by plane from us.
My DIL is clever, beautiful, kind, funny and generous. Well, that was before the arrival of my grandaughter.
It started during pregnancy when she would not take my calls or answer my messages. It was so not her to do that ! She is very talkative usually. She had a very high risk pregnancy and i was worried. She was in bedrest at her mother in Europe while my DS (dear son) (dear son) was still abroad working. So i would call or text her everyday asking some questions about some medical stuff or just to tchat. She would not answer and send a text every 2 weeks or so to write :"everything is fine. Hope your okay!". Almost always the same text.
My DH (dear husband) (dear husband) and I asked my DS (dear son) (dear son) what was happening and he only told us to leave her alone.
Since then, our relationship got worse.
They decided to have the baby in Europe in our town and it has been decided that after the planned c section they will come rest at our place. (Where they live health facilities are very bad, it is a third world country). We were delighted to have our DGD home !
It was terrible as first she said she wanted 24 hours with no visits at the hospital. Then she would not let us take the baby to cuddle or spend time with. I understand she was very possessive of this baby as she has suffered previous losses.
But she would not even talk to us or very little. She was suddenly so aloof and cold.
She spent her time breastfeeding. It seems that she was breastfeeding non stop. Breastfeeding on demand she said. I have never seen that in my life. Or sleeping with the baby !
One time we were at dinner and the baby started crying. She took the baby to calm her but i wanted to help. So i woke up and told her to give me the baby. She just said no. It was really inconfortable and my son said nothing !
I pardon her because she seemed very tired after the birth !
After 3 weeks, my DH (dear husband) (dear husband) and I had to go the the mariage of my nephew in the Caribbean. But when we came back they had rented an appartement elsewhere ! We did not see our DGD during 10 days. We saw her during 1 dinner and then my DIL and DGD left to her mother in another town.
When she was at her mother, DH (dear husband) (dear husband) will text her and she will respond very sporadically. After 9 days without news, he texted my DIL's mother asking some news. Let's thing i know my DIL sends him a very mean text telling him to back off !
We only saw them 3 months later last Christmas and she was still very aloof almost mean.
I admit the mistakes I made during this week but i don't think it was that terrible.
I put an orange in my DGD mouth during one meal. She jumped of her seat and screamed at me "she is exclusively breastfeeded. I told You!". My DS (dear son) (dear son) started to get mad at me too. God it was just an orange !
I said 2 things and my DIL overreacted :
1/ Sometimes I call my DGD " my daughter". My DIL looked at me in the eyes with a scary look and told me "one thing needs to be clear : she is not your daughter, she is mine". I told her as she is my son's daughter, it is like she is my daughter. My son tells me i'm ridiculous. I think my DIL is. It is just to be affectionnate.
2/I told her next time they come, i will put the baby bed near the back of the room. She can't cosleep with her mother at 1 year old ! They have to get a bit detached.
She cut me while i was speaking and said in a non-friendly voice " i am sure the parents have a say in where their baby sleep".
I understand that sometimes as PIL (parents-in-law) (parents-in-law) we can be overbearing and sometimes pushy. But i only see them 2/3 times a year. And i feel like i can't enjoy my DGD. I walk on eggshells with her. I had never spend time alone with my DGD, her mother is always around.
Since they are abroad, we try to facetime once a week but she rarely participates in our talks with my DS.
My son told me she is going to fly to Washington DC (daycare, dear child) (daycare, dear child) for 2 weeks for business. And she is bringing the baby and her sister will come to babysit. I am sad she did not ask me as i do not work anymore. But i told her nothing.
Don't get me wrong, i love my DIL and she is a good mom. But i think she is a bit possessive. I have the feeling she is backing off the relationship and i want to do something.
I have 3 questions :
1/ Can someone explain me the behaviour of my DIL ? She seems frightened by our love.
2/ They are suppose to stay 3 weeks with us this summer. How to make her feel confortable and like her old self ? Talkative, funny and gracious ?
3/ My DS (dear son) (dear son) told me my DGD has a nanny and sometimes they go out at night and the baby stays with the nanny. We have the hope to babysit our baby this summer. How to make DIL confortable with this idea ?
Thanks for your help.
Grandmother M.
Sorry - my question was to Husband of Candelle.
Daily Skype sessions? Oh my!
I doubt we speak to either of our DS more than once a month max.
I think you're lucky that your DIL is still sending you pictures to be honest especially as your DH has emailed her twice in one week. Why would he do that, for heavens sake?
You are far too over invested in their lives and I think you need to find new interests.
If you were my MIL, I'd keep you at arms length too, sorry.
So it's not April the 1st ( that's a day when we play jokes)
I take it that your post isn't a wind up ( that's when people post stuff just to annoy people) as you have given more information.
In that case you are a seriously scary Mother in law. If I was your daughter in law I would change my phone No, email address, move house, in fact anything to keep you away from me and my child.
As a retired mother, perhaps you invested too much in imagining how it would be to be a grandmother. Things will improve if you go gently with dil
Sorry, but I have to agree with the other Grans, leave them alone, and enjoy your GRANDDAUGHTER when you see her.If it is a cultural difference then it can be difficult, but the DIL must be able to look after her baby as she wishes. Sorry if we are all being too hard, but we just want to help.
Crumbs! I feel claustrophobic just reading the post! As my GC have got older I've always said, my house, my rules when they come round but as babies I've always asked the parents what the routines were and asked if I might try this or that. If they've said no, then so be it. It must be hard if you don't see your GD much but that's the way it is so just enjoy her and don't take over.
Sorry, this thread seems to have back-fired on you. I can sympathise, but really you should back-off. Obviously your dil wants to do this her way. My two dils breast fed up to 1 year too, most modern Mothers do these days. You just have to accept they do things differently now.
Try not to involve your son in this. He is pig in the middle at the moment and he will resent that role. He will support his wife! If you want to be on good terms with your dil you will have to be patient and allow them to come to you. If you insist on trying to get your own way you will never be allowed to see your dgd and you do not want that do you.
Sorry this has happened to you. It is hard, but you must accept that you ARE NOT the baby's Mother. She already has one. You are her Grandmother.
I understand where your dil is coming from.
Grandmaeurope.My sympathy goes to the mother of your grandchild.
Let the poor girl bond with her child.
You will lose them both so hold back.
My goodness woman, you are a waking nightmare. I would not let you over my doorstep, back off or you will lose your family.
Grandmothers have no rights to their GC so should tread warily so as not to antagonise the parents.
I am at my Daughters now. Her baby is two days old. When I look back at my behaviour with the first Grandchildren I realise that I interfered far too much as I thought I know best. I called them 'MY BABY' on occasion.
Luckily, I am her Mum otherwise I would have been shown the door.
This time, every time I am tempted ( and I have been tempted already) I clamp my mouth shut.
The OPs DIL will have a very full life with a small child. She needs to not call her and ask too many questions.
I also came laden with presents. This meant that they sometimes didn't have the pleasure and opportunity to buy something them selves. I got TOLD.
Some things have changed though. Last time I suggested a dummy might help and swaddling. I got told off....guess what....the baby has a dummy and it gets swaddled.
The best way to find out how to behave is to go on Mumsnet. It is full of threads on this subject.
Best of luck OP as you fall madly in love with your GC. I hope they realise that your behaviour was through love and concern.
Tread carefully. Grandparents have to earn the trust of their daughters/daughter-in-laws and sons/son-in-laws before they will let you care for your grandchild. I'm sure all (or most) grandparents have had to learn to take a step back, bite their tongue sometimes and respect a different generation's way of parenting. New parents want to do things their way, quite rightly, so all grandparents have to follow the parents' rules! That is the way even in the closest of families. Hopefully in time you will have the opportunity to develop a warm and loving relationship with your granddaughter.
Sorry to hear your problem. This sounds very much as if your daugfhter in law suffered from depression before before and has now worsened. Her confidence is obviously very low and any queries and help (very well meant) are felt as undermining by her. I'm sorry to have to say but my daughters would soon tell me to back off if i gave as much attention as you do to child and mother. You so obviously want the best for your family but please take a holiday or just offer tea/dinner in a few weeks. I am mother of girls who have children and i never offer any opinion unless asked as am soon put in my place (rightly as i wouldn't like my mother to interfere). Your son may be very worried about his wife and doesn't want to worry about you too. Hard i know but hell is paved with good intentions. I do wish you well.
It's a joke. It is said that grandparents and grandchildren get on so well together because they have a common enemy.
Husband of Candelle
This woman's post has nothing to do with love of a grandchild, it's all to do with control.
Doesn't sound to me as if the daughter in law has suffered depression, she has suffered from (well meaning) interference
This just cannot be genuine
You said that you told your DIL to give the child to you. You need to make sure you are only asking (about anything to do with the child) not telling.
I think you should apologise for the errors you made (probably not by text), mean it, and make an effort to hold back and to relax.
Otherwise the advice on here seems sound and pretty well unanimous which is very rare for this site. I can understand why some people are questioning the genuineness of your question as I would have thought that writing it out would have made you realise where you are going wrong.
Still, if it is genuine, it is not too late to put things write as long as you change your ways quickly (and don't be too pushy with the apology either).
No-one has mentioned that if you do have the chance to babysit your granddaughter it is important not to smother her with too much demonstrative affection as she is growing up. That can alienate a child too.
I'm inclined to agree with Mermaid. It's almost as though this post was designed to wind up GN. In the OP you say you FaceTime once a week then later it switches to Skype once a day - changed to once a week.
Call me insensitive but I'm skeptical about the authenticity of this post.
OMG I can't believe anyone of our generation would tell the next generation of parents how to do things! I wouldn't even talk to my own daughter like that, let alone a daughter-in-law. You only have to read articles in magazines and papers to see how different things are these days, whether we agree with it or not. I can't believe anyone has not heard of breast feeding on demand or co-sleeping. Sorry to be harsh, but your whole outlook and attitude needs changing, which might be hard if it is a cultural difference.
Hello Grandmaeurope, I sense that you have something missing in your own life for you to want to be so involved in your son's family life. I also sense that you are having to try hard not to interfere which must be very stressful for you.
Maybe if you develop your own life and activities, maybe do some voluntary work or learn something new, yoga or relaxation, then you will naturally find a new focus of interest and your focus on your son and his family will find a less intense level.
I have noticed that in all relationships a sense of desperation/neediness in one of the parties just pushes the other further away. Be busy, wait until they contact you next time, be happy and pleased when they do and tell them about your own new found interests and LISTEN to them. Maybe this will help or not. Later on when there are more children they will probably be glad of some time to themselves and then you may get asked for help. If you get a chance in the summer just listen.... don't offer advice and don't even say 'in my day' it really isn't helpful. I hope things get better.
I have said to my DD and DiL 'I am here if you need me' from the beginning and I have my DGSs (both now 2yrs for the odd days and nights). It is lovely but exhausting(especially as I have a full time job)so be careful what you wish for!
1. She is not interfering...she is the childs mother and sets the rules
2. Why are you deciding the sleeping arrangements even if it is your house ...none of your business if they wa t to co-sleep! Why do you think you have a right to decide that, tell her and expect her to be ok with I?
3. What possessed you to give the child orange when she is exclusively breastfed?
These are 3 examples of things you could directly apologise to your Son and DIL about, when telling them that you love them and your granddaughter dearly and asking them specifically how you can rectify things, make things better between you etc etc. And the you have to a)accept their replies b) not argue with their replies c) follow what they want to the letter...graciously!
If you do the above maybe you stand a chance of not driving them say completely!!
.."driving them away completely"! Oh and why do you keep repeating the phrases in brackets?
I am overwh
I agree with most posts on here, just reading your post was to full on and demanding. Take a step back!!!!!!!!
Registering is free, easy, and means you can join the discussion, watch threads and lots more.
Register now »Already registered? Log in with:
Gransnet »Get our top conversations, latest advice, fantastic competitions, and more, straight to your inbox. Sign up to our daily newsletter here.
