Help with DIL

Felice Was I wrong, he seemed to think so?
My question to you is: how do you live with this man?

Mrskipling One of my daughters has a very good relationship with her mother in law, and I believe this is because her mother in law always took an interest in my daughter as a person, and seemed to be fond of her, well before our grandchild came along. I would say if you treat your son's girlfriend as a person in her own right, and not just as a mother to your grandchild, you stand a better chance of a good relationship.

And even then it can be a bit hit and miss! He can't help it; he's a monologist rather than a dialogist.

No, you weren't wrong, felice. Some people only understand social niceties if you either shout at them (tear strips off) or if you write it down. There are many things that, if I just say them, simply don't "go in" to DH's brain's language comprehension centre, but if I write them down he gets it.

I've concluded recently that he can't learn anything new from the spoken word. Ideas that are new to him or that have simply never crossed his mind (think domesticity ?) have to be written down before they sink in.

I tore a strip of my SO on Thursday, he was really shocked.
He is a very pernickity eater, eats spare ribs with a knife and fork, and forget BBQS. He will not drink from a paper/plastic cup no matter where he is.
Well he was having dinner with his DIL, DS and DGD(3).
His DIL took a drink from her glass without scrubbing(no exageration) her mouth with a napkin, and he gave her a real lecture, also picking out some other 'table' habits he disapproved off.
I was horrified, he is not her father, and in front of her daughter in a Restaurant.
He lost his older son in a car crash 13 years ago, and I tried to tell him he would be losing this one and his beloved DGD if he did nto keep his mouth shut.
Was I wrong he seemed to think so ?

OP you said that everything was perfect at Christmas but that is when DIL changed. But you also when writing this post had no idea how overbearing, demanding and entitled you are to her child until it was pointed out by many other posters. So its very likely to offended her and have been offending her for some time but never realized because you don't see any of your behaviour as abnormal or rude.

As you know, demanding a new mother "give you her baby" when baby is crying is ridiculous. You're the last person baby wants. Baby wants their mother. This theme of entitlement and thinking you are a co-parent is what has caused your rift. You kept harassing DIL for texts and updates, medical information and pregnancy information and she wanted you to leave her alone which Is why she scaled back in responding. I would've done the same. As you know you didn't make a baby with your son and you are NOT the child's mother - so if you called baby "my daughter" then if I were her, I would suspect you are psychologically unstable, coupled with the fact you really think you're entitled to make parenting choices as if you were in fact a parent, would solidify in my mind that you were not mentally stable enough to look after baby. The rest has been touched upon.

If you were my MIL the damage done would be irreparable. You need to write a very sincere apology - not "i'm sorry I made you feel" but "I'm sorry I acted unreasonably. I'm sorry I was pushy, over bearing and tried to make parenting choices. I know you are baby's mother and you make all the rules and choices for your baby exclusively. I will confess I was overly excited and absolutely overstepped my boundaries without realizing. Moving forward I would love to have a good respectful relationship with you but understand it will take time for me to repair the damage I have caused. You don't need to respond to this email if you choose not to - I'm going to give you space as a family and apologize for all the hurt that I caused and take full responsibility. My actions were inexcusable. I wish your little family all the best. All my love, grandma."

And then leave them to it, the ball is in their court. It leaves a big impact on a DIL to be treated like that by a MIL and leaves a very long lasting negative impression. No doubt she feels very anxious and uncomfortable around you and no doubt you have made her cry many times with your behaviour. You need to acknowledge and understand that to move forward.

The old saying still rings true 'when you have a daughter you have a daughter for life,but when you have a son you have a son until he takes a wife' & as most of us must have or had mother in laws,so, we should know exactly how our DILs feel. (Of course I'm not nearly as bad , interfering. judgmental as mine was lol??!!!

Exactly.
And I didn't start off as this mean unmerciless bitch. This is 4 years down the line of 'oh you don't have to do that'
'Please don't go through my clothes'
'Please don't do the dishes, I'll do them later'
'MIL, please stop, I appreciate the thought but I'm private and I don't like it'

To
'MIL I've told you to stop. Why aren't you listening? This is my home and you will do as you're told'

Well, I guess your mum knows you quite well, bibbity, and is likely to know what will be acceptable and what won't.

Mothersinlaw generally don't know their daughtersinlaw very well at all by comparison. Something else mils need to keep at the forefront of their minds at new baby times.

Sorry, mils, that's just how it is. You know, reality. You can't just go barging ahead.

Execution not education!

ThatBags I completely understand what you mean.
I think the most important thing is the education of the offer.
So walking into my room and finding clothes folded on my bed by my MIL freaked me out. She had gone into my room without my permission.

However my mum coming around and saying why don't we go chill upstairs, put the TV on with some tea and get some clothes folded was fine.

I know it makes me sound crazy. How ridiculous to get worked up over someone doing the dishes and folding clothes. But I was very recently post partum and I need space and calm and someone not respecting that really really irritated me.

I don't do washing up Thatbags, I cook and my H always washes up!

doing the washing up and some other household chores were what my DD needed me to do when she had a new baby, so that's what I did. and the washing which seemed endless

Whoops! Sorry, meant bibbity!

barny, I chuckled about your washing up response. I was using my own experience: doing the washing up and some other household chores were what my DD needed me to do when she had a new baby, so that's what I did.

I think go with the flow is the best advice. We are supposed to get wiser as we grow older so we should use our learned sensitivity to others' needs to help us relate to new mums, either daughters or daughters-in-law.

All these grans and about-to-be grans with relationship problems seem to me to have forgotten what a roller coaster of emotions one has after a birth, possibly especially after the birth of one's first child. It's a kind of initiation. I think we need to make massive allowances for that, i.e. the back seat and shut up approach.

There's a lot of talk in the media about the problems associated with patriarchal power. I think matriarchal power, which, it seems to me, most of these mil-dil problems boil down to, is just as bad and just as potentially damaging. We would do well to bear this in mind when we become grandparents.

Don't just do the washing up!

It infuriated me when my MIL would start doing my dishes or going through my washing. I'm a private person and I found this intrusion horrible.
She had to be told multiple times over years to back off until I blew and told her not to be so bloody rude.
She said she was just trying to help with doleful eyes
I told her she wasn't helping. This was my home.
Go with the flow. Ask if there's anyting that can be done. Can cups of tea be made? Do they need anything picked up from the shop?

? Good post Thatbags

PS Oh, and do the washing-up.

If you haven't learned how to behave by the time you're a grandma, then god help anyone who has to 'deal' with you.

What's all this "don't know how to behave" nonsense? What a ridiculous thing to say. Just behave as you would to any other important visitor to your house who isn't related to you, or as you would in the house of an important but not blood-related acquaintance with whom you want to keep relations smooth.

Do not assume you have any rights (because you haven't any).

Be polite and unassuming at all times (i.e. keep your opinions about child-rearing to yourself).

Be helpful, e.g. getting cups of tea for a breast-feeding mother, or bottles of water if she prefers. The main memories I have of BF is feeling thirsty all the time.

There are very few people who don't know how to be polite and how to keep their opinions to themselves so there's no excuse for being pushy and opinionated and having wants (you will call them needs) that you feel should be satisfied. It's not about you! Take a back seat and shut up.

Don't know how to behave, indeed! Ridiculous!

Mrskipling I think you'll be OK as you're already anxious to get it right, so are aware of the sensitivities of the future parents!

It's not a bad thing to be miles away, it means you won't be tempted to just pop-in and overstep the mark. Just let them both know in advance that you'll wait for them to say when it's OK to visit and that you'll stay in a hotel, if that suits them better.

Several people have suggested that this is a wind up, but I don't agree. The OP seems genuine to me. It's just that there is such a wide gap between her expectations and those of her son's girlfriend that they can't understand each other. The cultural differences might be partly the cause.

I can't add to the good advice given here. As others have said, apologise then back off and give them some space. But I wanted to at least support the OP by saying that I believe in her genuine surprise that her approach to date has not been welcomed.

Grandmaeurope, I can sympathise because I am awaiting my very first grandchild. My son and his partner are not married. Her family live near her and we live many miles away. So a similar situation to yours in some ways. I don't know what my role as granny is meant to be. I don't know what they want from me and I don't know how to behave. I'm anxious to get it right. So I can understand how upset you are that, in your case, it hasn't gone well so far.

My advice would be, don't take offence at the bluntness of some of the comments here. Just use them to understand that other people may have a very different attitude to parenting, and a very different expectation of grandparenting, than you do. Work with your son and his girlfriend to find out what they want from you.

Good luck. I hope things improve for you.

You can't say your DiL is "interfering" in how you relate to HER child. It's up to her to decide how she wants to bring up her child, not you. Sorry, but you really do need to back off here or you will lose all contact with her, your son and your grandchild.

Grandmaeurope, in your earlier post you said what your husband did and that she seemed "mad at him too, even more mad with him". What did he say or do? because this is not just about you but the whole family dynamics.
I understand that you are willing to build bridges but if your husband holds other views you may have a battle on your hands.
You keep referring to your DGDs mother as your Daughter in law, but she is not, she is your sons girlfriend and this leaves you in a very tenuous position.