Over protective daughter in law

Well done for flying, I'm not sure I could be as brave. I think your daughter in law is being very unreasonable. My daughter and daughter in law were both grateful for a little respite by letting me hold the baby at certain times, especially knowing I was only visiting for a short time and didn't live local to them. I actually held my grand daughter (one of a twin) 20 minutes after she was born.

Exactly, if you're all grandparents now then you can remember how much of a change it is. Sometimes you feel on top of the world, i did with my second, with my 1st i felt like a car crash for about a year after.

That fierce force, especially when breastfeeding. Its an intimate thing. So for OP to hold babys hand when doing it she must think alot of the OP.

She doesn't say how old the baby is, weeks? Months?
I really hope her husband didn't say anything to his wife. I'd of hit the roof.

I had PNA (post natal anxiety) and when anyone held DD i felt my chest tighten, i could feel my hands sweat and couldn't relax untill i'd got her back. Maybe your DIL has that? Its common.

How different we all are
I was happy to hand over my ebf babies to anyone (well nearly anyone) to hold. Neighbour's teenage daughters visited me in hospital and were absolutly thrilled to be trusted .One of my happiest memories.Such a relief not to have a limpet on my chest. Went to weddings when each was six weeks and nearly got killed in the rush for cuddles (most of my friends had children years before me and couldn't wait to hold a relatively new born I assumed they knew what to do..)
But I was quite old and reasonably confident (though not necessarily in my parenting skills)
You did after all manage to raise her husband without damaging him
Perhaps there are other issues which will get sorted before you next meet up

I'm not surprised you're upset Tynsall, you must have been so looking forward to seeing them and having a cuddle with the new baby. My DD, SiL and new GS live in the US. I visited when he was a month old (I stayed only 10 days) and I took it for granted that I'd hold him and push him in the stroller, which I did. It meant such a lot to me in terms of bonding with GS that I feel for you missing out on that, especially having gone all that way.
We can only speculate on your DiL's odd behaviour - stress of being a new mother, anxiety about the baby's health, poor (or faddish) advice on mothering. At least you know it's not personal if she's like that with everyone.
In the US I went with DD to one of the baby's paediatrician appointments and the very nice doctor actually said to avoid passing the new baby around to strangers because of germs - not something I've heard advised over here. I know you're not a 'stranger' but I just wonder if your DiL has had similar advice and got it out of all proportion.
Hope things improve as they relax into parenthood. As others say, there's lots of ways to keep in touch online and it does help you feel a bit closer.

Lots of good advice as usual. Well done on conquering your fears regarding flight & visit. I do agree if baby is very young it may not have been the best time to visit but I don't know reason behind timing.

I am not a great one for fussing over babies prefer them when they start toddling around & watching their personalities develop

When my step-GC were born it was a cuddle (I had to or else look disinterested) & back to Mum, I hate to see babies as "pass the parcel" which seems to happen & Mum becoming distressed

When DD had my DGS I was same, loved him to bits but did not need to constantly cuddle at baby stage, as he grew older I loved playing with him & always have lots of kisses & cuddles even now (he is 6) he's always telling me how much he loves me

Hope your next visit when he's older will be better - take it at his pace & I'm sure you'll be rewarded, hope you have lots of SKYPE time so you become a familiar face to him

I think it's sadder how many women refuse to breastfeed their babies.

A whole month and you didn't get holding the baby for a cuddle ? I'm afraid I would have been asking for one and Im not a confrontational type of person but that is just ridiculous and your son should have said something. My heart goes out to you. Hopefully things will be better when you go out again.

I didn't want anyone to touch my first baby except my husband and my own mother! It's simply a fiercely protective instinct which will ease off given time. Having said that, I did grit my teeth and allow others to hold him but I wanted to reclaim him the whole time. My own daughter was exactly the same. It's sad for you that they live so far away and you made such a supreme effort to get there and then felt rejected but she can't help having that natural protective reaction.

I remember my mil in her later years, saying that she was most upset when DS1 was born and I got him ready for a walk (we lived with them at the time) and she asked if she could take him and we went together. I had no idea that she wanted to take him out on her own, never occurred to me. I didn't know about grandparent/grandchildren relationships then. I can't understand why she didn't say - I would have appreciated an hour on my own!

So perhaps you should speak up.

"She was like it with everyone ". And would only let her husband care for the baby so it wasn't just you she didn't trust to care for her baby and your son did let you have a cuddle when he could.

Having yourself needed hypnotherapy and CBT to get on a plane which many people would find illogical and strange, then you must understand your DIL 's fears for her baby which you find illogical and strange. Could not have helped her having a stranger in her new home at a stressful time when she needs peace and privacy. You were also her husbands mother so maybe she would see you as taking up her husband's time when she most needed him and she wasn't use to sharing him with other family. (Been there).

We don't know the babies age but it sounds as if you visited too early and maybe it would have been better to wait until the baby was 7 months and sitting. A month is along time to have a stranger in your house,

You mention the granite work surfaces and this is the most unlikely thing to get damaged but they are very expensive and she is use to living in this emaculate home. Wait to the child starts toddling. We have all experienced someone spilling something on our new carpet.

Keep in touch by Skype or FaceTime or similar and put it down to experience. Give her a chance and she will let you take a toddler for a walk.

I feel really upset on your behalf Tynsall I only have one grandson but my daughter thought it was important he have as much contact with all his extended family as possible. It does sound as though she does have problems is it possible you could form a better relationship by e.mail just chatty interested notes about your DGS . THEN AT LEAST SHE MAY BE BETTER NEXT YEAR.

Congrats on all your achievements Tynsall a new GC and a long haul flight-Well done. I think sometimes it is difficult for new mums now. We had our family to give advice and help, they have books and baby gurus. Being the MIL is difficult both for you and your DIL, she doesn't know you and she doesn't know how you behave with babies. Surrendering that tiny precious person even to someone you know can be difficult and sometimes the mum just can't do it. I'm not suggesting that you would behave with anything but care and love but parenting styles do differ. My own DIL was very careful with me when she had her first baby. I always did everything she asked, handing back baby the minute she asked, patting back if she suggested it, etc. Basically it wasn't vastly different to the way I would have acted anyway. By baby Number 2 she knew I would do very much what she would do and was very pleased to hand him over and have a rest.
Try not to be too upset this baby will grow and be there for cuddles for a long time. Save up your pennies and go again when he is a bit older your DIL might be very grateful for some help then.

A gran is entitled to the normal respect and politeness one would give to any house visitor. To my mind that doesn't include consideration for her expectations with regard to my new baby (supposing I were the new mum).

What I'm saying is exactly the same attitude that I had towards my own daughter, including in my house rather than hers. In my view the new mum is entitled to every consideration.

A visitor, especially a visitor one hardly knows, even if she is one's husband's son, is entitled to no more than common courtesy and civility. If she expects more then, in my view (and, yes, I know others think differently), she expects too much.

So, yes, I guess I'm saying that I don't think the gran's feelings about the baby in this situation need to be considered. The new mum's are paramount. Even my mum understood that and she is not the most sensitive person I've ever known.

Should there not also be some respect Thatbags for the grandmothers feelings? Is she not entitled to the same thought and care no matter if this is a first or last visit?

I'm sorry But I share Oldgooses stance - a whole month and not ONE cuddle .... that's just cruel. She wasn't trying to run the 'parents show' just have a moment to bond with a grandchild on the other side of the world. Its not like she can pop round next week and try again.

I appreciate this was a new baby but millions of women all over the world give birth every day . We'll have to disagree I think this was 'precious' behaviour from a grown woman who surely with her new born in her arms must have known the value of just one cuddle ?

The OP's problems that she overcame so impressively (well done! ?) are irrelevant when it comes to how she relates to her daughter-in-law who is a new mum.

I guess my approach is that every consideration and acceptance of quirkiness, stressedness and the like, are deserved by a new mum and dad. For me that's all there is to it. That weird time passes fast enough.

I actually don't think it matters what relatives "expect". I think it is unreasonable to "expect" anything except to be very, very sensitive to a new mum's needs and idiosyncracies, even when one doesn't like it. Grans and other relatives are not the important ones in these situations. We all need to put our wants and expectations on the back burner and accept how the new parents want to run their show.

If that means they happily hand over the baby to others for cuddles, that's fine. If it means they don't do that, that's also fine. People are not all the same.

I'm wondering if the OP had ever met her daughter-in-law before.

Yes, it is normal to feel protective toward a new baby but lets get real here. Poor Tynsall overcame her fears of flying, spent a lot of money and travelled a long way to see her Grandchild. She deserved a cuddle of that child and her son and daughter-in-law were being over the top and very selfish toward her. I don't think I would have been able to keep my mouth shut. Treating her like some sort of intruder and someone who is unable to hold a baby properly is insulting.
OK the next visit might be better, but there is nothing in the world like holding your tiny grandchild, and not to be able to do so must feel like torture.
You are a better woman than me Tynsall.

I know it is hard because they are so far away (and congratulations on the flight!)and it feels hard to just bide your time. But I think that is the right advice - much easier to do if they were just around the corner.

The fact that you had travelled so far when you find that hard means that you might have been hoping for everything to be perfect at the other end - and this puts pressure on the situation.

My DDs were happy for me to hold their babies from day one - BUT....I am their Mum and they know me well (with all my faults and virtues!) - I am not an unknown lady who has jetted in from thousands of miles away!

You do need to give her time - she will come round and I am sure there will be some jolly skyping sessions and future visits.

Congratulations on the arrival of your GC!

I agree with other posters in that this new mum is anxious and in need of support. Attachment parenting (if that indeed is what she is consciously adhering to) is very different from what most of our generation will have experienced.

I think there are several clues here from the OP. A "very new daughter in law" - so I am assuming as well as a new baby there is a "new MIL" or unknown quantity for the DIL? A great stressor in any situation. A very new DIL also implies (I may be wrong) a newish relationship between DIL and husband. It could reasonably imply she was not actually planning motherhood just yet, and I have no way of knowing. However, all would add to a stressful situation. You do not mention if her own mother is around. Also a need for hypnotherapy and CBT to enable a journey would signify a certain degree of stress and anxiety for the OP. (I am so impressed you managed it and please do not take this as criticism, I am merely trying to set a scene of "surround stress and anxiety"

There is no way we know the DIL's personality and you do not say if this type of behaviour exhibited itself prenatally. Either way all you can do is communicate via Skype or some other method and offer non judgemental support. Advice in Canada is different for new mothers but she will have access to professionals there who will pick up any psychological issues I am sure. They will be aware of any risk factors for PND e.g. of new house, new (ish) relation ship and new baby, plus medical history and family dynamics.

Finally, caring and loving someone brings all sorts of complications to our lives and the distance factor is making things worse for you. There will be many other grans coming along offering you support and advice which hopefully will enable you to put some distance between this awful situation and your feelings. I wish you well, and please come back and post as often as you need.

Well done on overcoming your fear of flying to make it out there.
How old was your grandson at the time?
I must admit that I find it very strange that you weren't even allowed to push the pushchair; wonder when that's going to change?
I wonder what she's like with her own parents. Surely grandparents are looked on as a massive help to young families or maybe I'm living in a former age?!

I'm with you f77ms . I thought that first cuddles were very special and its a shame the OP was denied that .

I presume she was invited for the stay and did not just turn up unannounced? If so I don't think it unreasonable during that entire to expect a cuddle or two. Maybe even to be allowed to take the baby out in the pram , even with DiL if not alone.

I'm sure she tried to be as unobtrusive as possible and help out where she could. Maybe if she had been allowed some interaction with the baby her DiL could have caught up on her rest or just had some down time.

A huge shame in my opinion .

Well done Tynsall, to overcome your fear and make such a long flight was brave indeed.
I agree with other posters the young Mum would be stressed with everything happening, she needed to keep some control over the situation. Think this was probably the case with the worktop issue as well.
Of course she may have PND but think things may resolve themselves as she becomes more confident.
It was a stressful time for both of you , I am sure at your next visit things will be better.

thatbags You had sensitive relatives ! I thought it was normal for relatives to come and hold the baby almost as soon as it was born. I was delighted if friends and relatives wanted to be involved in the new baby`s arrival and wanted a cuddle .

On the whole I think it's better, especially if one has to go a long way and get over a fear of flying in the first place, not to impose oneself do a long visit to new parents until the newness has worm off a bit. Give them a chance to find their feet and a rountine with their new born little dictator.

It is normal behaviour, especially if the mum is a highly strung person anyway, and anyone who's anxious about a granite worktop sounds highly strung to me.

People are allowed to be highly strung when they have a new baby.

I think some of us have forgotten that we probably were too. I reckon I was even though one of the midwives at the hospital (where I was for five days with DDs 1 & 2; remember how they looked after us back then?) thought my first baby was my third or fourth because I seemed 'natural' (whatever that means) with feeding her. I reckon it was more DD1 being natural with me! (And her liking mother's milk).

I don't think it's in the least unreasonable for a new mum to want grans, etc to back off.

She does sound over-protective of the granite worktop

This attachment-parenting style is very popular - I'm not a great fan but think it alarmist to be talking about PND because DIL is being a bit precious.

Maybe your trip was badly-timed