How involved were you with your children's weddings?

I was asked to help with my daughters wedding dress ... what this actually meant was that I paid the whole thing plus alteration fees! She got married after a year back at uni doing a post-grad so wasn't earning at all. It was nice going on the dress search with the bridesmaids.
Apart from that they arranged everything else, church, venue, photographer etc. We gave a very generous money gift for a wedding present.
Step-Daughter had her wedding in the US so we just had to turn up for that, as well as give the same generous money gift of course!

grannywonder I think your soon to be DiL is obviously going to do what she wants but is trying to make you feel involved rather than the neglected mother of the groom.

I went shopping with DD to choose her wedding dress, which was a very nice cream one from Monsoon (She paid for it herself) DS and I did the catering between us, she organised flowers and I ran round Truro like a scalded cat to find a hairdresser who would do her hair with a couple of days notice!

I'm another one who thinks FDIL (future DIL) is trying to be nice and inclusive (so many grooms' moms complain about being "left out" of the planning!). It may seem as if she's deliberately doing the opposite of what you say and I understand if you're beginning to be irritated. But please remember, she is probably also getting advice from her own mother, plus, perhaps, one or two of her bridesmaids. Besides, it just may be that the two of you have very different tastes and ideas.

Both my DDs sought some advice from me when planning their weddings. But while one of them took a few of my suggestions, the other didn't end up using any, LOL! Both of them had beautiful weddings that suited them and their grooms. Did I ever have a moment when I was disappointed that they didn't opt for some suggestion of mine? Sure. But in the end, I knew it was all ok. You will, too, I'm sure, once the wedding day is here.

For now, I think you should go on answering FDIL's questions, but maybe just briefly. But don't expect her to follow what you say. Or maybe, when you can, throw it back on her. Like if she asks what song you prefer for a certain number and she mentions a classic one and a more modern one, you could simply suggest that she decide what kind of vibe she's going for - traditional or trendy. But please don't put too much weight on this. Just enjoy the wedding and the fact that your son is getting married!

My daughter married 2 and a half years ago. She involved me in attending the hunt for the wedding dress and fittings and she discussed many aspects of her wedding with me, but in an informing, not consulting way. I helped financially, but I did not expect to have any 'say'. When it came to inviting guests, I was asked if I would like some of my friends to attend - I never made the assumption they would, so this was a nice bonus.

I can think back to my own wedding day and how my parents assumed control of guests and food, even though myself and my then fiance were paying for most of it. I resented their heavy-handedness and I remember the guest list was very much made up of their friends and acquaintances for the main event - our friends came along in the evening. I am glad my daughter had things the way she wanted.

It seems your DIL -to -be is trying to make you feel involved and that shows she is sensitive and wants to build a good relationship with you. Maybe you can set her at ease and say 'Thank you for asking , but it is your day - do it your way .' She will probably breath a huge sigh of relief and feel very thankful and it could forward good relation immensely.

DD1 - a contribution to the reception. It was a lovely laid back affair.
DS2 - the bride's mother was in charge! She eventually let us pay for the photographs. We did pick up the pieces after.
DS1 - was held in Japan, we contributed and attended but felt outsiders, as we were.
DD2 - we contributed and it was a much more formal affair but very enjoyable.
DD3 - we were not invited - only the groom's friends were invited. We did contribute to the party later and picked up the pieces after that one, too.

Involved in DD1s wedding. Everything was their choice but they were happy to listen to ideas. went with DD to choose her dress and bridesmaids plus a number of other outing to do with the wedding. She came with me to buy my outfit. We contributed a set amount of money.

Very involved with DD3s wedding last year. She and SIL were happy to ask and receive ideas. I accompanied her to choose her dress and bridesmaids. They chose invites, flowers, table décor, and other decorative items but I made them. I loved doing that. We also contributed an amount of money.

Both girls were careful to include MILs as much as possible. Both weddings were different but as enjoyable.

I was pondering this question again * Grannywonder* and part of your post was that you wondered why she asked your opinion then didn't take it.

Part of the definition of opinion is :

a view or judgement formed about something, not necessarily based on fact or knowledge.

So maybe, as other people have written she's asking a number of people for their opinions and then making up her own mind? Or as my own DD2 sometimes does she's looking to see what other people might think of her decision before finalising her own thoughts on a matter.

I know I ask for opinion sometimes but at the end of the day as I have to live with the result I always make up my own mind as I'm sure you do.

I agree , I think she's trying to be inclusive and make you feel you're part of the process and in some ways maybe to share her enthusiasm and excitement ? And that's such a nice thing because I am sure there are millions of FDil who don't include their MIL to be at all.

Why not just go with the flow? Give your opinion when asked but don't worry if its not taken , I'm sure the end result will be a good start to your relationship.

My lovely DiL is the only daughter of very generous parents. Her mum was so thrilled about the prospect of the wedding that she took over and, as I didn't live nearby, I didn't mind that one bit. It was a most enjoyable wedding and I felt only minimally guilty about being a non-contributor.

my parents completely took over my wedding day and I was only allowed to choose my dress and the bridesmaids', not even taken to view the venue for the reception!!

I was involved with my DS and DD weddings - and made the wedding dresses for both brides. I made sure I was not stepping on my DSs future MIL s toes, and we toured Cornwall together looking at the venue etc and having fun. Traditionally it is the bride's side of the family that 'does' the wedding but this has changed dramatically in which everyone contributes a financial input so they all have a say and quite right too.

But I feel it is a courtesy to stand back and let the bride's family have the last word.

Grannywonder maybe your future DIL has asked everyone involved what their opinion is on various matters - out of thoughtfulness and fairness - and maybe in the end having considered everyone's opinions has simply gone with what she favours.

Just have a great day and enjoy. Really it's the bride and groom's day, and about them getting married hopefully for ever.

Such a palaver for one day! Let them get on with it.

DS2 married first and although we were kept involved at every step basically they and her parents organised it all and we made a financial contribution. Quite a big wedding and lovely.
DS2 married very quietly after many years of cohabiting - we were only informed about 6 weeks before. It was very low key - register office and just immediate family and they paid for it all. However it was a lovely happy day.
DD married near our home although they live some distance awAy so we were involved in a lot of the organising which turned out to be quite stressful! They paid about half and we paid most of the rest - her Mil made a contribution but was not much involved though we kept her in touch with what was going on At every stage. I went with DD to look at wedding dresses - but in the end she chose one shed found with her chief bridesmaid! We went with them to look at venues and to choose flowers - they always made the decision, not us! We disagreed on music( it was a civil ceremony!) but she had what she wanted. I don't think in the end she used any of our ideas although we were alwYs consulted and often agreed. In fact she said to me at the start 'mum, we are organising this jointly so don't book anything without consulting me!'). Anyway it was a lovely wedding in the end! Quite big but less so than first which was a church wedding.
They were all different and luckily all seem To be happy still.

I have been very lucky.Both DsIL asked me to go with them & their Mums to choose the dress & weddng fayres etc. We were involved all the way through- mind you I was a wedding cake maker so I had to have some input into those!! We paid for evening reception both times if I remember rightly & of course they got the cake for free! Labour of love.
I have been very lucky in my DSs choice of wives & I love them both.
I was expecting to be side lined as I was MIL not Mum but didn't happen- having said that I never offered any advice not asked for.

She is trying to involve you in her plans it maybe out of politeness but nevertheless just be glad she is asking your advice even though she isn't acting on it being the mother of the bride groom is a minefield tread carefully.

When my son got married I was advised by a friend (tongue in cheek) that the role of the grooms mother was to wear beige and keep her mouth shut. Well I wore beige anyway.

I was quite involved with DD's wedding 23 years ago, I went to exhibitions with them and looked at venues and cakes. I paid for everything except the rings and groom's suit and so DD allowed my input, we agree on most things anyway.
DS's wedding was totally different, I had no input at all and made no financial contribution, I just sat back and waited for my invitation. To give DS and DIL their due it was the best wedding I have ever been to, and that includes my own, it was just perfection.

It must be hard to feel as if your opinion isn't valued but she IS involving you by letting you know what is going on. Take heart in that it is only one day in what could become a rich and rewarding relationship between you and her. I adored my Parents-in-Law who weren't involved in our wedding planning as they lived in another part of the UK and it was the 1970's and things were a lot different then anyway.
Enjoy the day and go with the flow. It will still be memorable for you all.?

Mine haven't bothered getting married, DD and partner together for 15 years, with 2 sons and DS and partner 8 years with 1 son and 1 daughter. Youngest DS still at home so possibly a wedding there in the future?

My wedding was like yours, Loopylou , in that, as my father was paying, my parents were calling the tune. My very dear PsiL offered a contribution, but I don't know if it was accepted! Thus I was very concerned that my DDs and partners should have exactly what they wanted, without pressure, and I think they did.

How lovely that's she's trying her hardest to involve you, even if she doesn't take your advice she means well. How exciting for you all, sounds like the start of a nice relationship.

As so many of us know the Mil, Dil relationship can be a difficult one, so yes just go with the flow, smile away and enjoy yourself. I hope you have a very happy day.

Weddings were the only time I ever wished I had daughters. We only offered opinions when asked but felt that in one case the other mother was pulling all the strings from a long way away as they ended up with a wedding very different from the one they said they wanted.

I think the others did their own thing without interference and am pleased that we didn't get involved in any arguments. Our DSs all married into families with no money so we were the major contributors to the costs which we didn't resent and simply gave them the money to do with as they wished.

One DiL did send me a photo of her in her dress and tell me not to show anyone else so I think she understood that I might feel a little left out.

It's probably her way of involving you. I expect its all mapped out and in the excitement of all the talking about it and telling you about it she doesn't realise what she's doing.

Enjoy the excitement while its all going well.

For the record. we paid a significant contribution, was kept up to speed on anything and everything and just turned up when required. Suited me perfectly.

DS2 and his partner have been together for 22 years, having got together with a joint 21st birthday party. I have tried to compensate them for never having had a wedding and the usual presents, by giving them the kind of gifts one buys for a wedding. Their two sons (8 and 10) want them to get married so that they can have a party.

like many of you, we were invited to our own wedding. not even really consulted on anything - flowers, number of guests, venue - we did have a church wedding, and I did choose my own dress!

For DD, we were also invited to it. DH paid for drinks, I made all the wedding cakes, about 5, and did the flowers, but they paid for the flowers. DD and SiL paid for everything else. I was also asked to make "flower-fetti" out of flowers from our [then] HUGE garden.

We also paid for hotel rooms for her two brothers [and DS1 was flowen by us from Argentina], adopted grandmother, DS2's ex andhis son, etc.

It was a lovely event, but I felt a little left out as I had expected to do a little more of the MoB stuff. Everyone else had a great time, so was happy with it.

Enjoy wonder - your DiL to be is involving you, since she is keeping you up to speed, just ideas past you rather than "advice"...

DD - very involved as both DD and SIL away from home at time up to 2 weeks before wedding. Consulted on all major decisions and made wedding dress, bridesmaid dresses and cravats ( whilst teaching full time - not sure how I managed that!)
DS - very little involvement as they married in Scotland so not on hand. Made financial contribution and paid for honeymoon. Really enjoyed a magical wedding with very little stress!
Thoroughly enjoyed both weddings but can understand why you might feel left out of weddings of sons. Just enjoy the day.