How can I help my daughter?

Just give her a hug - it will all come right in the end I am sure. She knows she is out of order and will begin to bond with this little babe when it arrives.

madq I just wanted to add that your relationship with your daughter must be wonderful for her to confide in you. Lots of expectant daughters wouldn't. They'd be wary of a negative reaction. Somtimes we need to speak our thoughts out loud even though we don't really mean them. Once the words are out we feel better. That may have been what was happening between your daughter and you. Your a 'safe' vessel for her secrets and thoughts.

I remember one of the nurses said to me when I had DS 'Is your first child a boy or girl?'. When I said we had a girl she said 'Oh what a pity - all those lovely girls' clothes are going to be wasted now you've had a boy'

Me and my daughter gave a sigh of relief when we realised that she was having another boy and said 'at least we won't have to get another pony' [I think I was more relieved than her given the fact that I'd ended up doing most of the pony looking after than she had]. One thing that worried me was that, much as I'd loved reading Thomas the Tank Engine books over and over again first time round I felt that I wouldn't be able to show the same enthusiasm again. As it turned out grandson number two showed no interest in Thomas; for him it was Spiderman [which I refused to read anyway ]. And you save a fortune in clothes and toys etc.

My DD was initially disappointed to find that she was expecting another boy. However, she soon turned it into a joke and wondered who would now inherit "all the jewellery!". Incidentally I think that she is far closer to her second son than the first. I`ve even discussed this with her and she hasn't denied it. I disagree with thatbags regarding telling madq's DD that she's being silly. You can't tell people how they should be feeling just because they are not what you think they should be. People are entitled to their own feelings and I`m sure madq`s daughter will work through them. Supportive warmth and laughter are a good way ahead. We still look wistfully at the lovely little girl`s clothes in shops but DD happily moves on to select rugby tops and blue wellies. I`m sure all will be well for you and yours madq

Thanks for all your comments and advice fellow nans/grans/grandmas. I'm sure she will love baby to bits and all will turn out OK. She knows deep down that she is being silly/selfish and feels very guilty about it and ashamed of herself. Once the hormones settle down I'm sure all will be well. I was just so worried that I was looking for reassurance and wondered if anyone else's daughter had experienced the same feelings.

I used to think that I loved DC1 so much I could never love another baby in the same way. Then someone told me that each baby arrives with its own bundle of love - I am sure that this little one will bring enough with him.

Sorry if my previous post was blunt, but people who have suffered constant miscarriages and/or the loss of a child, or who cannot have children, will not understand this attitude.

Madq Maybe the way to help her is to be blunt. It is obvious when you decide to have second or subsequent baby that the odds for each sex is around 50-50.

As others have said she should be thankful for a healthy child no matter what sex. Many would love the chance.

I'm guessing your daughter found out the baby's gender at her twenty week scan in which case she's only half way through the pregnancy and there is plenty of time for her to get used to having another boy. At this stage I really wouldn't worry about it too much madq; being disappointed at this stage doesn't mean that she won't adore her new son when he's born.

.....apologies; I didn't read the OP properly. So perhaps she did secretly long for a sister or felt swamped by brothers. Maybe her brothers fought a lot when they were teenagers and she can see that happening with her tow boys?? There's something at the bottom of it all if you can just talk her through it, I'm sure.

I think you need to talk her through the reasons for her disappointment. For example is it just that she wants to buy pretty clothes for the baby? Or that she feels she won't be [looking into the distant future] involved in her daughters wedding or not so involved with the birth of her grandchildren. You can then talk her through those things and point out things that she may not have even thought of. She may not even know in her own mind why she feels so disappointed in which case talking about it could be quite cathartic. Do you have another child? Perhaps your daughter always secretly longed for a sister and wanting a daughter is part of that feeling [you could then show her the thread where people point out that they didn't get on with their sisters anyway].

Agree with thatbags so many people want children and cannot conceive or lose the baby for many reasons. She should be thankful to have another healthy boy on the way.

Surely tell her to count her blessings and point out the many pleasures her first born has given her. My DiL has two little boys and I know would like a girl but sense prevailed and they are having no more (my DS has to estranged children from his first marriage) Enjoy what you have I am sure she will fall in love with him once he is born.

DD1 was so desperately ill after she had DGS that it has been impossible for her to have another child.
I think she would have been happy to have had a football team of boys (or of girls) but alas it is not to be.
Tell her to count her blessings.
Or put a label on him like Paddington Bear. We will collect him.

Sorry but this makes me

The sad thing is that if she had a little girl it might not be the sort of little girl she's imagining. I spent all my primary school years wanting to be a boy and dressing as much like one as you could in the early 50's. I played with guns and trains and always played with the boys at school. I didn't turn female till puberty kicked in. There were certainly no pretty dresses. doll's tea parties or any nice little girls coming to play!

I had a boy and a girl but all three grandchildren are boys and they're all lovely!

It just goes to show that technology does have its drawbacks. This is one of them. In our day we would have been dissapointed for just a short time then would have come to terms with things fairly quickly and fallen in love with our baby. I think you need to be kind to your daughter.You can bring out all those old cliques but I doubt they'll be helpful. She's probably racked with guilt as well as dissapointment. I hope she feels differently when your grandson is born if not it will be rocky for a while but when he does that little 'dance' babies do (you know, they lock on to your eyes, you lock on to theirs they smile and your filled with an incredible feeling of love) she will fall in love with him. You may have to do a lot of babysitting of your oldest grandchild to facilitate your daughters bonding with her baby but I'm sure all will be well in time. Let us know how things pan out and keep biting that tongue and gently reassuring her.

They could be wrong of course- I have known it happen!

It depends on OP's relationship with her DD. I get on really well with my mother, but she would have given me very short shrift over something like that. Sometimes it is just better to tell it how it is and with a 50/50 chance you are better not having one if the gender is really important.

I agree with previous posters that this problem is caused by knowing the gender before the actual baby is in your arms. Then you love the baby not the idea of a particular gender. My third pregnancy after two boys was a surprise, but I decided that the third would be a boy too ( my grandmother had 7 boys consecutively and then four girls too) The ultimate surprise was when the midwife told me to stop referring to that little girl as "he".
At the risk of sounding smug or unkind, I agree that a certain amount of tough love is necessary. Too much sympathy and the OP daughter may well feel encouraged to reject this child.

I had 3 girls first, in the days before you could find out the sex beforehand, and when my MIL came to visit me in hospital the day the 3rd one was born, her first remark was "Oh no, not another girl!" She had 12 grandchildren at the time, and only 3 were boys, there were more later, but she made me feel awful. We went on to have 2 boys after that, and she had 8 grandsons in the end, out of 18 grandchildren.

I don't think it would help if you pointed out that her DBH is to blame, as the male determines the baby's sex .....

I think that Anya has the best advice.

I think it is such a shame that they find out first-it would be much better to wait and fall in love with the baby they actually have!
People have so much choice they expect it in everything.
I am afraid I have little sympathy-I would tell her the odds were only ever 50% and then tell her to count her blessings!
I think it wonderful that people can't choose. The next thing they would want is the 'right sort of girl' i.e the one who is going to be mother's best friend-another thing that you can't tell-it is all pure luck!!
I have a friend who tells me that it is sad that I will never experience the mother/daughter bond-she seems to gloss over the fact she doesn't get on with her own daughter.
If she does start a thread about gender disappointment on MN she needs to take care where she puts it and not on AIBU as a lot of people will point out, in no uncertain terms that she is.
However-OP I should put all that diplomatically. I do hope that she can get over it as soon as she sees the baby.

Let's hope this is the worst she has to worry about.

My advice would be say nothing. Your DD needs to come to terms with this on her own.

One can say Don't be silly kindly.